Now or Never

The next morning Hoseok wakes up from an alarm and he realizes their leader on the other bed had put his alarm in order to wake up in time. Today is the last day of their concert in Seoul.
Hoseok sits up in his bed and throws the blanket off. He feels his whole body stiff and his head is still feeling dizzy. He grunts as he feels his whole body being painful. His muscles hurt with each move he makes.
“Wake up!” he hears the voice of Kihyun from the kitchen, knowing he is already making their breakfast. The smell of porridge hit his nose and he gets up, walking in a slow speed to the kitchen. As he opens the window he sees Changkyun walking  to the kitchen as well in the same sleepy mood as he is.
“How was your movie?” Hoseok asks and Changkyun told him it was a good one, but a little bit scary. Jooheon on the other hand is active and is talking actively about his dream he had. Half listening only Hoseok sits down on the floor and starts eating. He isn’t hungry at all but knows he needs energy since they have a long day. He looks up at the clock in the kitchen and sees it’s only 7.10am.
The other member slowly join him with their breakfast and all of them eat in the same silence like last night.
Hoseok understands the feeling s have. He is excited for their show tonight, since they always have a certain energy and excitement right before they go on stage. The reason Hoseok wanted to be an idol is brought back deep in his heart when he enters the stage and sees rows of happy and cheerful fans. He knows it will be same for the other members, but the thought of all the preparing, rehearsal and endless vocal warming up and stretching during the day is what makes them feel envy. Especially now Hoseok is still feeling so sick to even barely move, he knows the day will be even longer.

As soon as they finish their breakfast their manager walks in telling them to get ready. Hoseok quickly grabs a hoodie from his closet and puts it on, not even wanted to take off the hood from his head. Changkyun had the same idea. Both of them sit silently on the couch as they wait for the other members. The younger one texting a friend from Boston where he lived. He types quickly in English, but Hoseok is too tired and exhausted to follow the speed of words. He looks outside through the window and sees the faint silhouette of the mountains behind the streets of Seoul. He sighs as he wishes he could have just gone there and enjoy the nature.

A few minutes later all other members are ready too and without a word they walk to their van which is parked at the entrance of their building. They all quickly get in and sit on their usual spot. Minhyuk takes his headphones and Hoseok knows he is still feeling sad about the fact they don’t have a break. Changkyun is still texting and obsessed in the conversation he has. Kihyun is humming a song and Shownu is massaging the hand of Kihyun with his thumbs.
Hoseok looks at the fingers of Shownu caressing Kihyun hand. Lately he has painful hand due all the dancing, cleaning and cooking in their dorm, but Shownu takes good care of him.
Hoseok takes out his earphones, plugs them in and puts the calming song on repeat. He puts the volume up to the point he can’t hear the outside world anymore, just loud enough it doesn’t actually hurt his ears, but he is able to close off the entire world.
He lays his head against the window and closes his eyes, slowly moving along with turns of the car.

Thirty minutes later they arrive at the venue. Hoseok is woken up by his fellow members softly shaking him. He feels the sweat drops on his forehead. He isn’t really sure they got there because of his nightmare or because he is still feeling ill, but he gets a worried look of Hyungwon and Kihyun as both of them seemed to have noticed the sick look on his face.
“You okay?” Hyungwon whispers as he unlocks his seat belt. All Hoseok does is nod, but he knows Hyungwon probably knows like he does, that he isn’t fine, but just pretending.

Hoseok takes a deep breath, rubs the sweat drops off his forehead with the sleeve of his hoodie and closes his eyes for a brief second.
As soon as the door of the van opens he hears a small amount of scream filling the silence.
“They are early” Jooheon says and Hoseok sees on his phone it is only 9am when they arrived at the venue. “How long would they have been here?” Kihyun asks, but all of them lift their shoulders.
“Good morning!” Jooheon screams, like he is always happy. The fans greet him with a loud cheer.
“How long have you been waiting here?” he asks and some fans scream one or two hours, but Hoseok also hears someone waiting there the whole night.
One by one the members go out of the van. Hoseok stays seated in his seat as he feels his whole body shaking. A cold shiver runs down his body. He feels his forehead and it’s burning on his hand. ‘I want to sleep’ he thinks to himself, but he knows it will not be possible until late at night again. He tries to catch his breathing but its not possible. He feels his whole body still shaking and sees some dots in his view. “I stay for a bit longer” Hoseok says to their driver. The younger man in his early 20’s nods at Hoseok as he understood and probably heard about the condition of the younger.
He leans backwards and closes the door of the van. “Stay as long as you want” he says leaving Hoseok a smile.

He hears a commotion outside as fans probably realized Hoseok isn’t coming out of the van. They start asking for him, but Hoseok isn’t sure if they members are replying their questions. Slowly the door of van opens and a worried face of Kihyun peeks inside.
“Hoseok, are you alright?” Kihyun asks, but jumps inside as soon as he sees the shaking Hoseok. He closes the door of the van quickly behind him and sit down next to Hoseok.
Kihyun looks at his fellow member, as he sees him shaking from head to toe. His face is pale and the small sweat drops on his face.
“You can’t perform like this idiot” Kihyun whispers in a worried voice. Hoseok feels the tears in his eyes as he wants to. He can’t let his fans down. Those waiting outside for him, screaming his name and longing to see them on stage. “I will be fine, Kihyun” he whispers back, not able to make his voice louder. “Just a little rest and I will be fine”. The black dots in his view still there and he looks at Kihyun with pleading eyes.
“How will you be okay if you shake like this?” Kihyun says as he puts his arm around Hoseok. He pulls the sick member in his embrace and feels the burning hot and shaking body of Hoseok on his. “ Just…. Stay” Hoseok whispers as he folds his arms around Kihyun’s slim waist and tries to calm himself down. His mind wandering off to the last stage where he felt already something was wrong. ‘I won’t let it happen’ he thinks to himself, but he has no energy to sit back up.

The door of the van softly opens again and Jooheon enters the van before closing it. “The other members went inside, but I came back to ask what you were doing” he says and Kihyun only nods. Jooheon sees Hoseok in Kihyun’s embrace and he gives him a worried smile. “How is he?” Jooheon asks as the only thing inside the van is Hoseok’s faint uneven breathing. His chest moving up and down in Kihyun his embrace.
“I will go inside” Hoseok says “I will just sleep. I want to perform. I will be fine” he says under his breath and he pushes himself up on the arm chairs of his seat. He closes his eyes, shaking his head and brushes the sleeves of his hoodie over his face. He softly hits his own cheeks to bring the color back a little. “Let’s go” he says and he sees Jooheon and Kihyun exchanging worried looks, but they open the door of the van.

A loud fans scream enters his ears as Hoseok gets out of the van and feels the cold air on his skin, which makes him feel a little better. He puts on his widest and biggest smile and he softly waves at the fans in front of him. About a fifty fans sit in front of the building, leaving a small trail through them to the door. He waves at a few fans, but mostly isn’t looking at them directly as he is afraid they will see through his cover. He walks inside quickly and meets Hyungwon in the hallway. He is checking on their dances and repeating some move over and over.
“Hoseok” he says when he sees his fellow member passing him. A worried look on Kihyun’s face gets his attention and Hyungwon knows Hoseok is pretending to be fine, but is far from okay.

Without saying a word and not even saying hello to his manager Hoseok walks to the dressing room. Just as he hoped there is a couch with some pillows. He grabs a pillow and puts it on the edge of the couch. He lays down on the pillow and feels his body slightly relaxing. The dizziness fades away a little and Hoseok closes his eyes. ‘Just a little sleep’ he thinks before he closes his eyes and falls asleep.

He kept running, faster, than he ever did. He is caught in the labyrinth. He turns left but a dead end. He returns and goes right. All he sees is the stone walls around him, no matter how many times he goes into another alley, there seems to be no ending.
His breathing in his throat, his heart beating so much he can feel it in his chest as if it’s about to burst out of his body. His legs so tired but he knows when he stops running the labyrinth will swallow him and he will never find his way out.
Laughing, giggling, screaming is all he hears through the walls. He knows they are following him, surrounding him, not sure when they attack. The laughing, giggling and screaming gets louder. The road to walk on gets smaller. He feels the walls scratching his arms, the stinging pain on his skin as he keeps running. He can’t stop, he will not stop.

Hoseok wakes up with a gasp as he feels his chest going up and down in a fast pace. It was a nightmare, just a horrible nightmare, but it all felt so real. He looks around and sees Hyungwon sitting next to him on the floor. He is resting on his arm which is on the couch. Hoseok looks at him and sees a tired Hyungwon looking at him.  “Are you awake?” Hyungwon asks as he gets up and feels the forehead of Hoseok. Without needing to touch Hoseok knows his forehead is burning. “Y-yes” he whispers at Hyungwon “just a nightmare”.

All Hyungwon does is nod. “We got some delivery of food” Hyungwon says “I was asked to wake you up, but since you were having a nightmare I hoped you would wake up by yourself”.
“How long have you been waiting?” Hoseok asks and Hyungwon smiles “30 minutes” the younger one answers.
“Damn…” Hoseok says “why didn’t you wake me?”

Hyungwon only grins as if he is telling Hoseok to understand why. “Aish, you and your  superstition. You won’t bring bad luck if you wake people from the nightmares”. Hoseok says but he knows it won’t change Hyungwon’s thoughts about it. Hoseok rubs his sore arm and sits up. He feels a little better now he knows Hyungwon was sitting next to him, hoping that was what saved him from worse dreams.

Hoseok walks into their common room and sees all the other six members look at him.
“I am okay” Hoseok says as he sees their questioned faces. “I really am”.
He knows at least half of the members doesn’t believe him at all, but he has to keep lying in order to perform.
“I use the toilet for a bit” Hoseok says and walks towards the bathroom. He looks in the mirror and sees his black and hollow eyes looking at him. “Asih, you idiot, why you got sick now?” he asks himself in the mirror, but no answer is possible since his health is weak.
He cools his face down with some cold water and gasps as he feels his face itching as soon as the cold water his his skin, but it feels nice.

Two hours later Hoseok is standing at the side of the stage. He is wearing the black turtleneck again, but he refused to wear the tight strings again. Hyungwon and Changkyun gladly took his side and made a statement he would not perform if he was wearing them. Their stylist saw the horribly tired Hoseok and knew they were right. With pain in her heart she probably gave up on the look.
Hoseok takes a deep breath, takes a small shot of water and closes his eyes.

He walks on stage and he feels the excitement run through his sick and burning hot body.

‘This…. This is why I do this’ he thinks to himself ‘this is why I wanted to perform’.
He takes his regular spot on stage and sees Hyungwon following close behind him.
‘Show them you are Wonho, Monsta X Wonho’ is the last Hoseok thinks, closes his eyes and breathes out right before their song starts.

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