The concert goes well.

There is no adrenaline rush greater than that moment when he steps onto the stage and starts dancing and the crowd roars for the first time. He’s jumped off planes and bridges and played fast and loose with his life, but nothing in the world beats that moment.

He’s still high on the thrill at the end of the concert, so when Jonghyun suggests that they go out for dinner and drinks after, he doesn’t think before saying yes.

It’s only once he steps into one of the private dining rooms in one of those exclusive Japanese restaurants favoured by the rich and powerful once the door slides shut behind him with a definitive click and he sees that the room is full that Taemin realises that he really should be more careful.

Jongin, Moonkyu and Kwonho are there. Rino. Koharu. Greg Hwang. There aren’t any managers a small relief, his heart still beats an uneasy rhythm whenever he’s alone with any of SHINee’s managers but there’s no guarantee that they aren’t waiting outside.

It’s an intervention.

Jonghyun speaks first. “Everyone here knows I’ve had Hanahaki three times. It’s not a secret and it’s nothing to be ashamed about.”

“Oh, spare me,” Taemin hisses.

But Jonghyun continues, even-toned, as if Taemin isn’t seething. “I bounced back each time without complications because I got the surgery pretty quickly. People are always stubborn about getting the surgery because they’re afraid of losing their feelings, but the earlier you do it, the better you recover.”

“It’s been more than a month,” Jongin says quietly. “You promised us that you would get the surgery before it gets bad, but-”

“It isn’t that bad yet!” Taemin stamps his foot like a child. “What, do you expect me to get the surgery in the middle of my comeback?”

“You can’t really dance anymore,” Greg says then. “I’ve been watching you. So has Rino. Move is nothing like Everybody or even Sherlock, but have you heard the way you pant when you’re singing and dancing at the same time?”

“It’s too low for me to sing comfortably,” Taemin protests, but he knows Greg is right.“Just let me get through the comeback first,” he begs. “I’m not… not bleeding yet. I’ve worked so hard on this, don’t ruin it for me.”

That plea works. Everyone in the room knows what it is like to pour your heart and soul into something, to want it to be given a fair chance to succeed, to have your hard work dashed by factors beyond your control. They won’t take this from him.

~

Kibum is in bed when Taemin comes home, riled up and still unfed. He jumps up and pulls Taemin into a hug and everything that’s upsetting him just melts away and says “Well done, Taemin-ah! I’m sorry I couldn’t be there-”

“It’s fine,” Taemin says. It’s not like Kibum can cancel his play. These are not things they hold against each other. “I sent flowers to your play, did you see?”

“I posted it on Insta, didn’t you see?”

“No one showed me,” Taemin pouts.

“Jjong said he was taking you out for dinner. Where did you go?”

“Some Japanese restaurant… but I’m still hungry.” It’s true, but there’s something more than hunger that Taemin needs to satisfy; that itch beneath his skin that still hasn’t worn off, that fire in his veins that still hasn’t burnt out. “I can eat later. Right now, I feel like going clubbing.”

Kibum nods knowingly. “Then let’s go clubbing. It’s been too long since I last went.”

~

In some nondescript EDM club in Itaewon, Taemin dances the itch away. Kibum dances with him. It’s always a thrill to dance with Kibum; he’s fast and dirty and he can keep up with Taemin. They dance until the club has to close and the bouncers start throwing people out.

And only then sweaty grimy the sky lightening as dawn creeps closer does the adrenaline wear off.

Kibum takes him to a café breakfast and Taemin slumps in his seat, exhausted. And in that quiet moment, sipping on hot chocolate Kibum really knows him too well and watching the sunrise, Taemin allows himself to think of the surgery.

He will have to get it soon.

~

Greg is right about the flowers affecting his ability to sing and dance at the same time. Taemin struggles through the promotion cycle, struggles to sing on-key and struggles with moves that should only be too easy for him.

The fans are too kind. He knows his performances are far from his best, but they still cheer as loudly as they used to. They love the album. They make memes of him and he plays along, cherishing the innocence of their affection.

Each day he promises himself that he will call the hospital and arrange a date for the surgery.

And each day he goes home to Kibum; to his smile, his warmth, his sharp wit, his everything, and each day he can’t bring himself to make the call.

~

On the last day of promotions, Taemin’s eyes well up with tears as he waves goodbye to the fans gathered outside the studio. Somehow, it feels like a permanent farewell.

~

Something is afoot. Taemin knows Kibum well enough to know this much. There’s this twinkle in his eyes and he’s giggling far too much about inconsequential things as he drives them home. Taemin loves it when he’s like this, so he pretends not to notice.

When they get home and Kibum opens the door, there are three dogs waiting at the threshold. Taemin blinks, surprised.

And then his brain catches up and he realises that the third dog is Eve. Eve, who is barking and jumping with excitement, who is wagging his stump of a tail so hard that his entire body moves with it. “Eve!” Taemin crouches and opens his arms and Eve leaps into them.

Oh, he’s missed Eve so much.

“Uh, can you move a little so that I can close the door?” Kibum sounds apologetic, not sarcastic.

Taemin looks up, amazed at the magnitude of what Kibum has done for him. “How-”

“I know you miss him. It’s in your eyes whenever you play with Comme des. Like, as much as I like this dog, he isn’t my baby and being with him just makes me miss my own baby so much more kind of thing. I know, because that’s how I felt when I went to Hawaii and I stayed with Bekah and her puppy. So I asked your mother to lend him to me for a day or two. She says hi, by the way.”

And oh, how he loves Kibum.

~

“Aren’t your promotions over?” Kibum asks as Taemin is getting dressed to leave.

“Yeah, but I have this song I want to record,” Taemin replies. “The composer is free today so I thought I might as well get it done.” It’s true, but it’s also an excuse to be away from Kibum, whose schedule only begins in the evening today, when the pill wears off.

Today, as Taemin kneels in front of the toilet and painfully throws up flowers they’re mostly whole flowers nowadays not pretty little petals anymore he notices the flecks of red staining the white of the bowl. Then he notices how the petals are flecked red as well.

He lifts a hand to his lips and wipes at the wetness there.

And then he’s throwing up again, not flowers but breakfast, because his hand is bloody too.

~

The song was only half-written when he called Hwang Hyun. He had hoped that the composer would be able to help him with the lyrics, but the words just flow now.

And when Taemin records the song, his tears flow just like his words did.

“Baby, pass me by now, so that the you in me can remain.”

Taemin pauses then, choking on the words. He has to get the surgery now, has to, but just the thought of cutting the flowers out hurts so much. Kibum planted the flowers in him and Taemin wants to keep them safe, wants to keep the little bit that of Kibum that is his alive.

“If I knew how to stop, if I knew how to love, would things be different between you and I?”

After he’s recorded the whole song, Taemin calls the hospital.