20. Grande finale*

 

 

 

 

**[Part One] : The Way

 

 

 

"I think I’ve lost my touch,” Seulgi mumbled as she looked at her reflection in the mirror.

 

“Your what?” Wendy frowned behind her. “I can’t hear you when you go all negative like that and start to eat your words.”

 

“My touch, I think I’ve lost my touch,” Seulgi repeated lifelessly.

 

“With what?”

 

 

 

Seulgi sighed before turning around to face her best friend who was resting on her bed.

 

 

“With men?” Wendy asked with a subtle smile. “It’s fine, it’s Sehun, he’ll understand. Just don’t go around panicking for the slightest thing.”

 

“I was talking about my clothes,” Seulgi said before mockingly hitting Wendy’s feet. “I obviously don’t know what to wear for this occasion.”

 

“Oh,” Wendy giggled. “Don’t worry, you’re absolutely cute in this dress.”

 

“When was the last time I even went on a real date?” Seulgi continued nevertheless. “And do I even want to look cute? What if wanted to be pretty Wendy?”

 

“You’re losing it Seulgi,” Wendy sighed. “You’re pretty and cute, and beautiful and whatever you want to be. I doubt Sehun would care even if you went dressed with a trash bag.”

 

 

 

Seulgi pursed her lips before sighing. She looked at the time and hesitated to change again. She agreed with Wendy and walked away from the mirror before nervously crawling back to it as she kept changing her mind.

 

 

"So this is it, huh? This is the end. I can't believe we've really reached this point," Wendy commented leisurely. "You're getting the final boss."

 

"What do you mean?" Seulgi frowned as she looked at her reflection in the mirror again. She had to admit she looked decent but it wasn't enough. This purple velvet dress was okay but that was it and she wanted to look more than just okay.

 

"I'm talking about Sehun," Wendy answered. "I always knew you two would end up getting back together, the way he broke up with you was too sketchy. Everything about it screamed unfinished story."

 

Seulgi sighed before turning to face her best friend who gave her a slightly guilty pout.

 

"What? You think I should have told you earlier? I think so too but I thought that if I never mentioned it you would never reconsider taking that snake back but here we are."

 

"I was still talking about the dress," Seulgi mumbled before returning into her wardrobe. "This is a disaster. This date can go wrong in so many ways and my outfit cannot be the first thing to fail me tonight."

 

"Did you even hear what I said Seulgi?" Wendy whined after picking up the dresses Seulgi had left on the floor. Wendy looked around her just to see the other pieces of clothes laying on the floor, Seulgi's bedroom had somehow turned into a visual representation of the state of her mind in the two hours she spent preparing herself for tonight. All in all, it was very messy.

 

"You said I could be whatever I wanted to be, pretty, cute, or whatever," Seulgi distractedly answered as she continued to look for something to wear.

 

Wendy rolled her eyes as she walked on some expensive dress. It physically hurt her to see these clothes go to waste like that. "This dress was absolutely perfect. Do you know what look you're going for at least anyway?"

 

"I don't know… casual? Chic maybe? Casually chic?"

 

"Do you have the time to be joking around like that?" Wendy furrowed her eyebrows. Seulgi helplessly shook her head before pleading her for some help. "I'll gladly help but you definitely need to sort out your clothes," the petite woman commented with a frown. "Can you really find anything in this mess?"

 

"I know it sounds weird but I have no problem with that," Seulgi revealed. "It needs a messy mind to understand a messy room."

 

 

Wendy sighed again.

 

 

"Where are you two going? Time, place and occasion, Seulgi."

 

"I have no idea, we just said we would go on a date and that we would go to the train station a few hours before the countdown," Seulgi shrugged.

 

"Train station? What for?" Wendy repeated surprised.

 

"Sehun said that's where most of the nicest locations to celebrate New Year's Eve were located. He talked about restaurants with a nice view, parks, cafés and such. Nothing too intense."

 

"So casual indeed."

 

"Casual but still chic," Seulgi added hesitantly. "Please."

 

"Right, you want to look especially pretty tonight," Wendy grinned.

 

 

Seulgi was a bit embarrassed by Wendy's teasing but didn't make the effort of refuting her idea, it was true after all.

 

 

“When do you have to leave exactly?”

 

“When he will come get me.”

 

“Which is?” Wendy asked nervously.

 

“Any minute now,” Seulgi awkwardly revealed.

 

 

 

Wendy gasped so loudly that Seulgi took a step back just in case her friend would think of yelling at her for her recklessness. Instead, Wendy racked through every possible outfit she thought was fine and presented them to Seulgi who looked at her amused.

 

 

“You’re crazy,” Wendy sighed before throwing away a neat and classy fitted dress. “And I am even crazier for letting you change your outfit when you look perfectly fine.”

 

 

Seulgi smiled and thanked her friend for her effort. She was truly Seulgi’s pillar, the one she could always rely on for anything and who always supported her through her good and bad decisions.

 

 

Wendy quickly ran again through Seulgi’s clothes as the latter watched her with a nervous smile. Seulgi couldn’t believe this was really happening, she wasn’t dreaming. Tonight, she would be celebrating New Year’s eve with Sehun, her ex of many years and the one she hated the most for even longer. Even to her, this seemed a bit crazy. It wasn’t that long that she wished to never have to see him again and avoided anything that was slightly related to him: his favorite places, his old friends (she couldn’t avoid Chanyeol, that wasn’t even a question), the pictures they took together and all the places they used to hang out, even her own bedroom in her old house. Now that Seulgi thought of it, it was exhausting, a bit stupid and definitely lame of her to limit her life to her fear of facing him back then. Seulgi should have known better, she should have known that Sehun wasn’t as mean as she made him to be for dumping her. She should have known there was a reason behind all this but she let her fear blind her in all this. Fortunately, things turned out for the better after they all met at Seulgi’s cousin wedding. Seulgi thanked herself to have gone in the end. If she hadn’t gone to the wedding like she initially wanted, she wouldn’t have made a mess there and all the events that followed wouldn’t have happened. She would still be the lonely coward that victimized herself and avoided men at all cost.

 

 

Seulgi smiled again until she looked at her hands and noticed that they were slightly trembling.

 

Nervousness.

 

She took a deep breath. Seulgi wasn’t sure why she was so nervous but she knew it wasn’t because she was scared of disappointing anyone, not even Sehun who was probably also a bit nervous if she still knew him. She also wasn’t nervous to spend the night with him, on the contrary, she couldn’t wait to see Sehun.

 

Seulgi was nervous because she wasn’t used to feeling so thrilled. She was happy and it scared her, she was scared of having high expectations because that was the first step to sadness. She always avoided having high expectations for men and her love life after being disappointed too often but she couldn’t help it. She wanted to believe things would go well and that Sehun was maybe the one she needed, if she ever needed someone that is.

 

Even that, she wasn’t sure.

 

Would I really suit being in a relationship? Seulgi asked herself innocently after refusing another bold outfit Wendy handed her. Would anyone really be happy to call me their girlfriend? To have me by their side and be contented with me even though I am lacking in many ways? Would someone really be happy to love me? Love me for who I am …

 

 

Seulgi shook her head to get rid of all those thoughts as she heard the bell ring. That’s not it, that’s not how it should be. She smiled when Wendy gasped loudly in the middle of Seulgi’s clothes on the floor.

 

"That’s him isn’t it?" she asked with her eyes wide open. "But you’re not ready!"

 

 

Seulgi chuckled before walking out of her bedroom.

 

If no one can love me for who I am and who I am not, even if Sehun is not the one I need in the end and I am not the one he needs, it’s fine. Even if no one can love me deeply, madly and truly, I will have to love myself for two. Seulgi felt her heartbeat become irregularly fast as she reached the door. She hesitated while holding the door knob.

 

You can only choose to act out of faith or out of fear, Seulgi, she told herself. You either go to the date filled with fear or with faith.

 

She repeated the words.

 

Even if it doesn’t go well, even if I am not the one he needs or he isn’t the one I need, I will be fine. I will not go to the date with the fear of being lonely for the rest of my life, dumped a second time or scared to not be able to be loved in the end but with the faith that I deserve to be loved and even if he can’t love me, I will love myself.

 

 

Seulgi took a deep breath as her heart continued to beat fast. It was time.

 

 

She slowly opened the door only to be faced with a tall broad back. It was him, even from behind she could recognize him perfectly. Sehun was wearing dark grey trousers with a black trench coat and a simple dress shirt. Just as usual, he was handsomely chic without too much effort. Sehun turned around when he realized Seulgi had finally opened the door and his face automatically lit up.

 

 

"I thought it was the wrong door for a second because you wouldn’t come," he nervously revealed. Sehun scanned her from head to toes before softly smiling. "You look stunning."

 

"Really? You think so?" Seulgi slightly blushed. "I was planning to change into something else."

 

 

"You need more time? I can wait for you downstairs if you want.”

 

 

Seulgi hesitated once again. Did she really need to change after all? He said she looked nice and she was technically already late. She looked down to her purple dress before looking back at Sehun who was standing right in of front of her with a dreamy gaze.

 

 

Wendy was right, he wouldn’t say anything even if I was wearing a trash bag, Seulgi realized with a chuckle.

 

 

"Then please do so. I will be there in a minute," Seulgi smiled.

 

 

Sehun nodded with a warm smile as she slowly closed the door.

 

 

Seulgi exhaled deeply as she rested against the door and touched her face to cool her burning hot cheeks. She felt like her heart was about to stop with the way it was beating so hard. It was still beyond her how a simple look could make her lose her composure so easily.

 

"Dear God, I don’t have time for this, " Seulgi said as she looked at the time. She quickly ran back to her bedroom where she found Wendy sitting on the floor with a pair of black high heels.

 

 

"This. This is it," Wendy tiredly said as she pointed to Seulgi’s bed. There was a long sleeved classy black dress laying on Seulgi’s covers. It was an off-the-shoulder type of dress with absolutely nothing else but the black tight fitting material to not distract the eyes from the main attraction: the nice silhouette it gave the person wearing it. The material was soft enough to make Seulgi think of velvet and the cleavage was nothing to worry over as it barely went lower than her collarbones. The best part of this dress was the small cut on the right leg that gave a bit more exposure. It was neat, classy and perhaps even a bit daring but Seulgi loved it.

 

 

The dress itself was something she had bought years ago in the hope of wearing it for an event at work in which she got promoted to her actual job of Creative director at X Korea. Seulgi didn’t want to be that person but that dress still held an emotional value to her, it was her lucky dress.

 

 

“Wendy, you are a genius,” Seulgi smiled as she held the dress up in the air. “It’s exactly what I needed.”

 

“I know, now go change before he changes his mind and drives back home,” Wendy said as she let herself fall onto the pile of clothes behind her.

 

 

Seulgi giggled out of excitement and did as her friend said. When she was done, Wendy handed her the shoes. Seulgi only missed her bag and she was finally ready.

 

 

“Hair up or down?” she asked one last time.

“Get rid of that ponytail,” Wendy said before gently taking off the elastic in Seulgi’s hair. “There you go, you look amazing.”

 

 

Seulgi looked at her reflection in the mirror and smiled brightly.

 

 

“And you look even more perfect with that smile,” Wendy said as she rested her head on Seulgi’s bare shoulder. “Please don’t lose it.”

 

“Not this time,” Seulgi reassured before patting her smaller friend’s head. “I believe this time will be different. No matter what the outcome is, I will come back from my ashes.”

 

 

Wendy chuckled.

 

 

“You’re not going to any funeral miss but to a date so hurry up and stop making him wait,” Wendy said as she pushed Seulgi towards the door. “Sehun has waited long enough.”

 

 

Seulgi quickly went out of her apartment and reached the elevator in no time. It was only when the automatic doors closed on her that she realized how fast her heart was still beating. She could almost hear it resonating in the small elevator, playing along with the strange tempo of the background music.

 

“If I don’t calm down anytime soon, it’s over for me,” Seulgi sighed.

 

 

Even though she was aware that her condition would only worsen in front of Sehun, Seulgi decided to ignore her own nervousness and to try her best to enjoy every bit of this night.

 

She walked to the lobby after getting off the elevator with small steps as she was looking for Sehun. The said man was sitting on a chair near the entrance, playing with his keys while waiting for her. Seulgi unconsciously smiled as soon as she found him.

 

 

“I’m sorry for making you wait,” Seulgi softly said.

 

 

This time again, Sehun turned around to face her but he didn’t smile. Sehun remained momentarily silent, as if he wasn’t sure it was truly her. Unable to pronounce a word, he got up and walked to Seulgi. He opened his mouth to say something again but closed it as soon.

 

 

Seulgi’s face fell.

 

 

“Why? Is it bad?” she mumbled while looking down at her dress.

 

“N-no, no, no, no, no,” Sehun said with a steady head shake. “Definitely not what I was thinking, that’s very far from it.”

 

 

Seulgi chuckled at his exaggeration.

 

 

“You look…” Sehun clumsily started.

 

“I look?” she . “Stunning?”

 

“No, more than that.”

 

“Elegant?” Seulgi tried.

 

“If there was a word for it, I would say it.”

 

 

She blushed before mockingly hitting him.

 

 

“That’s very cheesy of you,” Seulgi tried to brush off. “But thank you,” she mumbled shyly.

 

“Talking about cheese, it’s time to eat, isn’t it?” Sehun smiled at how embarrassed she was. He handed out his hand for her to take before walking towards his car.

 

“It surely is.”

 

 

Seulgi took Sehun’s hand and followed him outside.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

The ride to the restaurant had been incredibly casual. Sehun and Seulgi talked about mundane things such as what they did recently, how it was at work, getting news from their respective families and even what they had for lunch today.

 

Seulgi appreciated how easy it became to talk to Sehun, as if there had never been a 4-year break in their relationship. Everything felt so natural, just like how you can never forget how to ride a bike or the way back home.

 

 

“I think I am craving more some soup or a salad than something heavy in the end,” Seulgi said.

 

“Didn’t you just say you could eat your weight in food like two seconds ago,” Sehun smiled.

 

“Only fools never change their mind.”

 

“I never thought I would be alive to see Kang Seulgi not eat a lot,” he teased. Sehun’s remark got him a glare that he brushed off with a chuckle. She wasn’t scary in the slightest. “Here it is,” he said as he tugged on her hand to stop her from walking away.

 

 

“Gra…no?” Seulgi read taken aback.

 

“Surprised aren’t you?” Sehun smiled proudly. “I knew you’ve wanted to go since forever, you kept talking about it even when we were still dating, saying we should go once we get older because it was too class for two random college students to go.”

 

“Well, yes… I said that,” Seulgi said while bitting her lip in guilt.

 

“What’s wrong?” Sehun asked surprised. “You don’t like it anymore?”

 

“No, it’s not that at all,” she reassured him awkwardly.

 

“Oh, so you’ve been there already… is that it?” Sehun asked dejectedly. “With someone else.”

 

 

Seulgi sighed. She didn’t expect their date to take such a dark turn so early.

 

 

“I am sorry,” Seulgi mumbled.

 

“No, there is no need for you to apologize. I should have asked you, even though I wanted to keep it a surprise,” Sehun smiled. “I should have known that you already went, I mean, 4 years is clearly enough time to go to a restaurant you’ve wanted to try…”

 

 

Even though Sehun’s voice was soft and he smiled at her with the nicest smile, she