19. Independent Woman and a Man

+the duality of a woman whew+

Seulgi didn't exactly remember the place like that from the first time she came around a year ago. The feeling was different. It used to be luxurious, enchanting and most of all, intimidating but now it was simply lovely. She didn't feel out of place like last time.

Seulgi returned her attention back onto Jongin after analyzing the restaurant for the third time. He was smiling again.

"What?" Seulgi curiously asked.

"Nothing," Jongin grinned before taking a bite of his meal. "You must have really wanted to eat here."

"I did," Seulgi smiled. "And I am thankful that you accepted to come with me."

"I should be thankful that you thought of me to fulfill one of your dearest dream— I'm joking," Jongin defended when he caught Seulgi's subtle eye roll. "But it's true that I am thankful. It's not like you lack people who would be thrilled to go on a date with you."

Seulgi raised an eyebrow as she was not sure if he was being sarcastic. She was even surprised that Jongin had called this a date since they had chosen so many times before to not call it a date. At the same time, she understood that it was probably because they weren't there to talk about the past anymore and solve anything like they had agreed at first, they were there just to have a good time. It was Christmas Eve and they were celebrating it in one of the most popular restaurant among couples as friends. Could it really be considered a date Seulgi wondered.

"There are three horsemen of the apocalypse right?" he grinned. "You could have been here with Baekhyun or Sehun for example."

"Baekhyun is out of the country though," Seulgi reminded him.

"True but Sehun would have been delighted to spend Christmas Eve with you, I'm sure."

"Maybe," Seulgi shrugged bashfully. "You and me agreed to this a while ago, it is not the time to tell me I should be with someone else Jongin," she slightly scolded.

"Sorry, I'm just not used to… I don't know, this casualness between us?" Jongin pondered a bit shyly. "We have been in this cold war for how long now? Seven years? That's a lot of time to get used to someone's absence."

"We will never make it up for the time lost but let's see the good side, there are hopefully more years to come," Seulgi smiled. "Come on don't be like this on such a nice day, I'm no stranger," she .

"To better and brighter days then," Jongin said before holding up his glass for a toast. "For you and for me."

Seulgi followed his gesture and let out a giggle when Jongin almost dropped his drink onto his meal.

"So, how is life treating you lately?" Seulgi asked before taking a bite of her risotto.

"As usual, nothing special," Jongin answered.

"No news is good news," she said although she was aware that it wasn't exactly the right way to use this idiom.

"Oh! That's right, since I've been trying to do more than just sleep and read and eat during my free time, I've started a new hobby," Jongin announced excitedly. "Try to guess."

"Hm, working out?"

"Not really but I do," Jongin said.

"Babysitting your niece."

"I said new hobby Seulgi."

"Then dating around, I don't know," Seulgi shrugged before returning her attention onto her meal. She didn't know what guys did during their free time, not even her old best friend.

"Disappointing from you, really," Jongin shook his head.

"What is it?"

"Drawing."

"That's not new," Seulgi said feeling wronged since she had thought of it. "You've always been drawing here and there, even on my notebooks. You're an architect Jongin for Goodness sake, don't you draw buildings for a living?"

"That's not on my free time!" Jongin reminded her. "And I draw multiple things now, like animals, places and I play with colors. I take interest in photography too."

"You're basically turning into me," Seulgi . "I'm the original."

Jongin chuckled    and brushed off Seulgi's comment.

"And how's life for you?" he asked back.

"F-fine, I suppose," Seulgi stuttered before regaining her composure, she couldn't grasp why she was suddenly flustered. "Things are fine."

"Have you planned something for Christmas?"

"I'm going to see my parents with Chanyeol and Wendy in the evening," Seulgi answered. "It has become a tradition now. What about you?"

"Going skiing," Jongin said before taking a bite of meat. "It's a Christmas ski trip."

"Not alone right?" Seulgi asked worriedly.

"Although I don't think there's anything bad with traveling alone you don't have to worry, I'm going with friends," Jongin smiled at Seulgi's genuine concern for him.

Jongin and Seulgi continued to eat as many different conversations started from random and trivial comments. They enjoyed the meal and more than anything, each other's presence as it had been a while since they talked without making it too difficult for one another. Seulgi couldn't believe how much time it took them to finally reconcile and become the friends they used to be. It wasn't ridiculous that 7 years had to pass for Seulgi to finally get over whatever feelings she had left for her ex and best friend like she initially thought because she was too young back then to understand that it was going to be okay. Seulgi likes to think that her relationship with Jongin, or with Sehun or Baekhyun was not a failure or a mistake, it was an opportunity to become a better version of herself and learn. In reality, since her break up with Jongin, Seulgi realized that it was okay to not be loved by someone who couldn't love her the way she wanted. It was okay to be sad and cry about it for months and it was also okay that their relationship didn't end smoothly. She was meant to recover from it, learn from it and improve thanks to it.

Seulgi never believed that what didn't kill you made you stronger because most of time, it hurts so much and you are so weakened by it that nothing seems right anymore. You feel like it can't get better and you want to forget about it, to avoid it and to pretend it never happened. You just want to runaway from it and nothing of that looks very strong but eventually, things happen and you have to face it because it cannot go on indefinitely and you see things differently. Seulgi's seventeen, nineteen and twenty-two years old selves didn't know better than to blame it all on men and become insecure and scared of love. Although she doesn't exactly regret the way she reacted, she wished she had asked the answers she deserved earlier. Back then, she was too scared but she learnt to use this fear of being let down as fuel to face her problems, and there she was now, enjoying some time on Christmas Eve with her ex.

"Have you ever been hit by time Jongin?" Seulgi asked with a curious smile as they sipped onto the last drops of their bottle of wine.

"What does that mean? You mean to age?"

"Have you ever suddenly felt nostalgic all of a sudden? Out of nowhere? I do. That's when I realize that time goes by so so fast without us realizing."

"You're only 24 Seulgi," Jongin chuckled.

"We're already 24," she shook her head. "And worse than me, you're going to be 25 pretty soon," Seulgi laughed. "We are already adults going on with our own daily lives, planning stuff for Christmas or whatnot, living away from our parents, making decisions that can have great consequences, paying bills, you get me? It feels like it was just yesterday that we quarreled because you always took too much of my strawberry ice cream when you already had yours. Time flies."

Jongin silently nodded with a grin. He remembered that story too. They were maybe six or seven years old at that time, he wasn't sure but he remembered that they were very small and that it always happened after they came back from elementary school. They would sit at a random bench in the park until the sun set with his older sisters who would get them some ice cream if they behaved properly. For some reason, Jongin always asked for melon ice cream and Seulgi would get strawberry ice cream "because it is pink and pretty" as she would say with her tiny voice and Jongin who didn't like melon all that much would always ask Seulgi for a bite and eat half of it while she was looking away. It used to be chaotic because they quarreled like little monsters but everything was solved when they both discovered mint chocolate ice cream in middle school. Jongin couldn't help but chuckle, a lot of time passed by since then.

"We are are still trying to define our future and we certainly make clumsy steps," Seulgi smiled to herself thinking of the incident at her cousin's wedding. "We change, we meet new people, we learn from these new encounters, we let others decide for us sometimes, we see our peers grow too, and we wonder when will our time come. We swear to learn from our mistakes and repeat them again until we realize what we were doing wrong and we learn to love ourselves for our bad decisions too. We are full of bad and good things, aren't we? Things that we try to change or that we learn to use the right way. We change and we stay the same at the same time, we grow up and then we look back at the time when we were still uneasy, not sure of anything, maybe a bit broken too and we consider the elements that made us change and how they changed us and we finally realize that time does wonders. People come and people go, sometimes they even come back," Seulgi smiled. "We lose and we win some because there will always be ups and downs in relationships but the connections we make with others are never lost and can help us find ourselves."

"You really do think a lot," Jongin said a bit impressed.

"I know I sound a bit emotional, it's because of the wine," Seulgi explained. "All of this was just because I wanted to say thank you Jongin."

"Me," Jongin said surprised.

"Yes you, you and others too," Seulgi nodded. "Thank you for having done what you've done for me, thank you for having not done what you didn't do too. I am thankful for everything, even those letters. Thank you for having tried to make it less hard for me when you realized we were not made for each other. I'll admit it hurt a lot and it took me time to understand, a lot of time but we do not have to go at the same pace, do we?"

Jongin hesitated before agreeing with Seulgi since he wasn't sure if he heard right. Seulgi thanked him for having broke her heart after all.

"I realized that it must have been hard to reject someone you love, love in a different way but it's still love since it comes in all shapes,  especially knowing how it was going to hurt. I disregarded your feelings for mine thinking that I was the only one who deserved compassion and believed you were for years."

"That is very honest of you," Jongin subtly smiled.

"The same goes for Baekhyun and Sehun, and I know a small part of me still believes you guys aren't all that great to dump me like that, that you're still really close to trash but!" Seulgi stopped to grin after seeing Jongin's frown. "It's just a tiny part because I am thankful before that. Thankful that you three came back into my life and decided to stay this time. Just like you said, for better and brighter days to come,