“Autumn’s coming,” Leo said to the night air. His head was turned up to the trees overhead, their branches wound with fairy lights. His features were soft with the yellow light and what seemed to be genuine fascination at the sight.

The abyss in N’s chest sloshed uncomfortably, liquid seemed to be filling it and seeping from his eyes again. The lights above blurred and mixed, a curiously beautiful sight.

“Do you think because Ken and Ravi have each other now, they no longer need us?” Leo seemed to be asking the trees but N couldn’t help but answer in his heart.

“Do you think he’ll ever come home where I need him?” Leo continued. “Did I miss my chance?”

N wanted to turn away. To close his eyes and heart, ignore Leo in favour of just going home. Something in the raw honesty kept him in place.

“Are you in love with him?” N asked, voice hushed.

“I think I was,” Leo’s smile was wry as he turned his face to look at N. “For about a week after we first met. But I grew out of that pretty fast. Everyone is in love with Ken when they first meet him.”

N scoffed, arms crossing over his chest and the gaping hole there.

“He has this magnetic effect on people.” Leo continued, strolling among the lit trees as N tried to hold his heart together. “He lives completely free and follows his own path.”

“So what,” N sneered, moving through the trees and back out onto the street. Leo caught up easily, keeping pace with him as they moved through the cultural district.

“Can I ask you something really personal?” Leo spoke after a while.

The urge to push Leo away rose once more, weaker this time as he began to feel a familiar longing for someone to help him. He stayed quiet, giving a curt nod as his only reply.

“What happened to make you so volatile?”

Anger rose, a coiling snake ready to strike with poison, until the question sunk below the surface and spiralled down into his abyss inside. N sighed instead, not daring to look over at Leo as their pace slowed slightly.

“Volatile makes me sound like I’ll explode at a moments notice.” He grumbled, eyes locked to his delightful maroon leather shoes. Leo’s silence spoke volumes. “I’m having a bad… week, month… year. Take your pick.” N waved a hand dismissively.

“The type of bad that leads you to try and destroy a friend’s opportunity to further his career?” Leo’s hands were tucked into his pockets and his voice was so mild it chafed.

“Don’t judge me,” N snapped, the anger finally boiling to the surface. “You don’t know me! You don’t know anything about what I’ve been through!”

“So tell me,” Leo’s face was so even, eyes earnest as he drew them to a stop on the footpath.

“I…” His voice faltered and he glanced down the darkened street. Few people were wandering here and there, it was almost empty. Soon the theatre shows would finish and crowds would pour into the world again. There was a moment, a pause on reality that Hakyeon could feel; he leapt for the chance. “I lost a very close friend. She died suddenly last year. She was… She meant a lot to all of us. Since then, we seemed to be lost. We seemed to just wander and…” He sighed, glancing back to find Leo listening closely. “Since then Wonshik was a zombie, he needed me and I needed him. We had each other and we could struggle together. Hongbin and Hyuk were the strongest, they…”

N turned his face to the sky, wondering if pleading for a different life would get him anywhere but further into his despair. Leo waited, strong and silent.

“They had each other,” N whispered. “They always had each other, one was just too dumb to see it. And Wonshik and I had each other. I love him as my brother, closer than a brother. We were bound together.”

The headlights of a passing car struck his face and N could feel his own haggard appearance in the harsh light. Leo stayed, waiting for him to finish.

“Now, he’s gone and found someone new. Someone that makes him a better person. Someone that heals him and raises him up. They’ve all left me behind. Why am I the only one stuck down here? Why am I still so broken while they all find love and peace? Why don’t they miss her so much it feels like I'm nothing but emptiness inside anymore? Why don’t they end up drunk and falling down in the street? What’s wrong with me?”

“Aside from minimal liver damage; nothing.” Leo’s voice was full of cheery sincerity.

N sneered and turned away to continue walking. He wasn’t sure where he was actually going but he didn’t want to stand still any longer. Leo was right there beside him, keeping pace as they moved down to the edge of the river. It was crowded here, late night dates and dinners still in full swing along the cobbled paths.

“There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad. Feeling lonely,” Leo continued, “It’s part of being human.”

“Well, I hate it.” The words jumped out. “I don’t want to hear any stupid platitudes either. ‘Time heals all wounds’.” N raised his hands like a monk and his voice took on a mocking tone. “’Take life one day at a time’ or the best one I’ve heard yet: ‘God closes a door to open a window’.”

“That’s so you have something to jump out of,” Leo mumbled with a smile. Hakyeon gave a bark of laughter before continuing his tirade.

“As though her death was prescribed by the Universe to teach me a lesson. How is that a comforting thought?” N let his hands drop once more. “Like, sorry about your best friend but you needed to learn a lesson so she’s dead now.”

“Sounds like bull,” Leo murmured, something in his tone fulled the words and N found he couldn’t stop.

“It may as well have been my fault she died if they say things like that. And it wasn’t my fault, it was nobodies but her own. But… Sometimes I wish it was. I wish it was my fault because then I would have something to heal. I would know what I needed to do to feel better again.” His voice was growing desperate, the city lights on the water were blurring together into one blanket of light in the darkness. “I don’t know what to do. I just really miss her.”

They walked on; the rise and fall of voices around them, the occasional trill of a bicycle bell before a cyclist whizzed by, the mixture of melodies from the restaurants, buskers and bars. Among the music of the city N felt something a little strange. He didn’t look for it. He didn’t want to scare it away. He felt it, a small pulse in the pit of his stomach where a gnawing hunger usually was. Slowly, like a seedling pushing from the earth, a small shoot of peace seemed to arise.

The hammering of his heart against his chest seemed to contrast with the slow rolling stop of the car beneath the sprawling branches of a tree. Another car was already in the lot beside his and a few bicycles were chained up along the railings outside the building. It was long, almost narrow across in comparison. Several doors were set at regular intervals along the wall facing the car park, each door was graffitied and painted strange colours

The one at the furthest end was a wonderful explosion of colour. It was rent in two by a bright lightning strike; on