The road to home was depressing. Well— it was not the first time he felt because of that person. He had many nights by feeling despondent in everything happened within his life. The latter’s name was a big part of it. Joshua. No matter how much he reminded himself to erase that name from his name and tried hard to go on, he could not. As if the short time living with that man, having him for a brief moment was like a long time lifetime. He could not easily dump that man from his heart. He could not easily shun him away from his mind. 

Because Joshua was like his last love. 

Because no matter how he told himself that Joshua was a bad man, he always was evoked that he could not find that person in anyone else. Such a rare figure, he could not love other persons same like Joshua. He could not feel the same love he received from anyone else like he received those love from Joshua. 

He missed all the affections, he could not deny it. But he could beg for it neither. He let him go easily from his grip. 

One drop fell from his left eye. 

His heart ached. By the fact he missed Joshua, he missed being loved by that man whom he no longer had. 

Yet, he indulged himself with a yearning for that man. Though he would have pretended that he was fine without him after that. 

“Shua…” he chanted that name quietly. He was shocked at spotting that man standing in front of his door. 

The man turned, smiling brightly at Jeonghan. “Hi.” 

Jeonghan could not help but smile bitterly at his greeting. He hummed. 

“Why are you here?” 

Joshua shrugged. “I miss you…like always.” Jeonghan snorted. 

“Good, then you’ve seen me. You may go home.” 

“It’s not like that—how have you been?” 

Jeonghan darted his eyes to another place, his hand fished out the key. “Do you ask that question to someone else? My friend?” 

Joshua nodded wordlessly, backed away when Jeonghan tried to open his door. 

“What’s their answer?” 

“You’re fine.” 

Jeonghan sighed. “Then, that’s my answer.” 

“Jeonghan—” He held the latter’s wrist. They locked their stare in each other’s eyes. Jeonghan stiffened. 

“I know you’re not okay.” 

He wanted to tell him that it was right. He wasn’t fine at all. He would never be fine without him. But he could not. 

He wanted to scream out. He was depressed to live without him in this world. He was in a sense of loss after standing upon his own feet, without being dependent on him, wandering alone and missing the meaning in his life. 

He wanted to tell everything to Joshua. He wanted to beg the man so he could come back but he could not do that. 

Joshua was used to be his world. Everything in him. His comfort when he was struggling hard with his depression. But now — the situation had changed. He had to overcome everything by his own self. He could not beg the latter to step in Jeonghan’s life again. 

He got tongue-tied. 

“I’m okay,” his ego said. The key clicked. Both of them lowered their gaze. 

“Glad to hear then…I was worried.” 

Jeonghan sighed. “You are not. Jimin is waiting, don’t stay here too long.” 

“Jeonghan—”

“Don’t start. We are over —oh, we are not even starting any. Good night, Joshua-ssi.”

He stepped into his house, slamming the door closed right in front of Joshua’s face. He stayed behind the door for long. He held his tears tight. He would not let himself being pitiful when he heard no footstep leaving out his territory. 

“Good night, Jeonghan,” he bid him for the last time. Joshua touched the door with his fingertips. “I miss you,” he whispered prior leaving the place. 

From behind the door, he burst into tears. He still loved that person. Yet, he never let himself to stay honest toward him, instead of living with the shadow of their past. Jeonghan stared into the darkness of his house. He simply lighted up the room and stared blankly at the big picture of a pair he cherished for his lifetime. 

His photo with Joshua. Smiling at the camera. It was the last thing he got as a vestige of what he had with Joshua. 

“I miss you…” 

The next day, 

Jeonghan stared into the mess he made for all night long. The frame of the photo was broken. It was no longer hung on the wall. Everything became part of his mess. His depression. The victim of his rage. 

He just had washed and prepared to go working again. Yet — he spent many times to look surrounding his spot. 

“It’s better.” 

He fished out the phone from his pocket. It still had the page he read before. 

“Congratulations, Joshua…you got a girlfriend.” 

He was about to go, however, a call stopped him. A call from his own mom. He smiled. “I’m okay, mom. It’s gonna be okay,” he tried to assure himself, nevertheless, it would be a lie later. He shall bewitch himself that everything would be okay so that he kept on pretending to have a good life. Although inside his heart, there was a big storm striking. 

He refused to answer the call, stepping out of his house. He went to his office, leaving out the storm inside.