Warning : this part has not yet been revised. 

The pain inside his head was real. He shall not play his phone while he was behind the steer. It was way too dangerous to do besides he was driving alone without settling an autopilot in his car tonight. He stopped his car by the roadside. It was fine, as long as he kept his car on park mode. He needed to call someone. His finger fidgeted on the steer. It was only five seconds to wait someone far to pick up his call, yet he considered it was too way long and he could not stand it. As if he was in rush. 

“Hello, Jihoon’s speaking.” 

“You are late for five freaking seconds.” 

“I have my own business, remember? My boss is kinda scary and I don’t have any privilege to go home at this hour.” 

Jeonghan chuckled. He was jealous, because he heard his friend’s voice and felt relieved somehow. 

“What happened?” 

“Nothing…um, just nothing I guess.” 

“Really? Where are you?” 

“Inside my car, parking. And…I guess it’s really..fine. Anyway you saw Joshua’s story today?” 

Jihoon sighed, Jeonghan could tell what kind of sigh he let off. “Yes, they are actually dating, right?” 

“Since that day…well,” he felt he almost choked down the tears, “they are happy. As always, feels so real to see them together.” 

“Jeonghan,” when he heard Jihoon calling his name softly, he knew he hit this feeling. 

“I’m fine, just realising I was in delusion of having a star to date me back then.” 

“You know you were really dating him, just you wanted to let him go with her, now the result….they are really happy. You are supposed to be happy with your life though it’s hard without him. You can find another people who make them smile.” 

“I’m happy…just I’m fine, I’m alright without him. Just like you and Seungcheol.” 

Jihoon clicked his tongue in annoyance. “You are in delusion of me and that famous chaebol, right? I don’t know him and he also doesn’t know about me, especially my existence. There is no way a famous chaebol to date a potato like me.” 

“It works also on me, there is no way I date a famous artist. If that happen, netizen will judge him hard.” 

“Jeonghan…you are alright? You are just going home after plenty task in your office and you are breaking down because of this matter.” 

“No way,” he lied, “well….send my regards to your fiancé, Chanyeol. I will go home now. Tell me if you are going to go home.” 

“I will, babe. Anyway, please don’t skip your dinner. I don’t want you to be skinny.” 

Although Jihoon did not see him, he nodded right away. “Ok mom, bye.” He hung up the phone and smiled bitterly. Even though he has just finished his calling with his best friend about that person. The sadness still lingered around him, seemed unlikely left him. 

“I shall be fine without you, right?” He talked alone, thumb caressed against the steer. He felt no want to get home fast. 

His memory recalled at that time where he talked to Joshua and begged a break up while the latter begged otherwise. Joshua wanted Jeonghan to stay and he would remain faithful towards the man. Everything around them was only misunderstanding. Insecurity and jealousy as well. He could not stand it. When that man played around those people who craving his attention and dreaming of being his love partner. Joshua would always be kind, politely refused to grant their wishes as he assured to Jeonghan that he would not cheat and leave him behind. 

He used to believe of his words. He used to believe that Joshua was truly meant for him. But that did not last for long. 

All the hints, all the affection Joshua gave to Jeonghan and those people — it was same. Jeonghan hated it. He felt no longer important for Joshua. 

He left him. 

Jeonghan ignored all those calls Joshua had made for those six months. All the post-it in front of his door. Even the post about him, Jeonghan never considered those things for him only. He was tired enough. 

Even when Joshua’s mother made a call with him. 

“Jeonghan?” He made a long silence, he wanted her to end the call - because he could not endure the pain and did not want to share his feeling.

“Dear…” She called again. 

“Yes, mom?” 

“Joshua is sorry about you and this relationship.” He sighed. “It’s already end, mom. She is better than me. Anyone else besides him are better than her.

“I know that girl. I saw her. I’ve just met her…” A silent utter of saying great was slipped out from the young man’s lips. “She’s great and nice, right? Everyone is happy of having her by their side. Not like mine.” 

“..no, you are nicer than her.” 

He shook his head, however the mother seemed like she knew how frustrated and unhappy the man was. “Jeonghan, please…”

He whispered a desperate no. “You can call me when you need a home to come back.” Jeonghan hummed silently. He lost his energy as the woman called. As if it was the real mom who gave birth of him called. 

“You are also my sweetheart in this house,” she assured. Jeonghan smiled. 

Now…he felt lost. No matter how much he tried to convince himself that everything would have been alright. The worries of being alone and unable to live without Joshua would come back and haunt him again. Constantly he had those days. In the end he was afraid. Silently he felt scared of living alone without Joshua. He was completely afraid if those perceptions that Joshua would be happy with the reason of their breakup was true. 

He stared blankly at his phone. 

“I won’t love you, Shua — I will walk forward to the world of emptiness. The world of there is no existence of you within,” he muttered, at the same time his heart felt ache as he spilled that. He had been saying all lies for many times.