It was not that he didn’t want to be loved. He wanted love in his life just as much as anybody else. But when it came to letting people close to him, both physically and mentally, he found that he couldn’t do it like everybody else seemed to be able to. He wanted to, but the fear of getting hurt, of someone abusing the power they would get is he let them in, seemed to control him and keep him from actually letting someone in.

“I like you,” Donghae had breathed into his ear during a hug. Hyukjae had frozen up, suddenly feeling constricted and claustrophobic in the other man’s arms. He didn’t know how to react, only ending up ending the hug awkwardly and trying to change the subject. When he saw the rejected look in Donghae’s eyes, his heart broke.

“Hae… It’s not that I don’t… I just… I need time and space,” he explained, feeling worthless and angry at himself. Donghae led him to the bed and sat them down. Hyukjae stared forlornly out into empty space.

“What are you thinking, Hyuk?” Donghae asked timidly. Hyukjae sighed and hid his face in his hands.

“I’m sorry for being so useless. I hate that this is me. I hate my history, I hate how it has affected me,” Hyukjae all but growled, feeling so utterly frustrated with himself. He wanted to like Donghae back. Donghae was a wonderful person, and he proved Hyukjae wrong in his dark thoughts of not being worth loving. Even so, Hyukjae felt himself go rigid again when Donghae took his hand.

“Hyuk, it’s okay. You are a wonderful person and you don’t deserve the past you’ve had. You deserve only the best. I care about you a lot,” Donghae consoled while his hand lightly. Hyukjae could feel tears prickle in his eyes at Donghae’s sad face, and so he forced himself to hug the younger, trying to convey what he was feeling, trying to tell Donghae that he really wanted to try to fall in love with him back. Donghae smiled when he withdrew and Hyukjae thought Donghae had understood what he tried to say with the hug.