Chae Hyungwon had never expected that the sole reason MONSTA X will become a six-member group instead of seven was because accident-- well, at least that was what everyone believed it was. He also did not expect the lost member to be Shin Hoseok, the man who had undeniably captured his heart from the start. Hyungwon did not want to believe that he had died; the others only wanted to move on. Three years had passed since it happened, but it was evident that what had occurred was still fresh in every member’s mind.

    “It’s his death anniversary tomorrow,” Lee Minhyuk, the one who everyone often consider as the moodmaker of the group, said in a solemn tone as he appeared from behind Hyungwon. The tall man, who had been leaning his arms against the balcony railings, did not dare turn as he spoke, his gaze still fixed onto whatever it was in the distance.

    “I know.”

    The lack of any other reply concerned the older member, and if Hyungwon had only turned his head slightly, he would have seen the small frown that appeared on Minhyuk’s face.

    “Will you… will you visit?” It was a question he already knew the answer to-- an answer that he had already memorized from all the other times they had tried to ask Hyungwon.

    “No.”

    A sigh escapes Minhyuk’s lips right then, and he fought the urge to scold the other for his coldness. He understood what Hyungwon was going through. Ever since that day happened, the fellow Gwangju-born male had refused to believe any news regarding Hoseok’s death. For the first few months, Hyungwon would often wait in the living room of their dorm staring at the front door, stating that Hoseok might be arriving at any moment. No one had the heart to call him out; even after the Shin family had finally decided to hold a funeral for Hoseok. Hyungwon had refused to come at that time; stating that Hoseok was alive and he did not need to be given a funeral.

    “You have to accept what happened, Hyungwon,” Minhyuk says in the most gentle tone that he can, not wanting to upset the other. Hyungwon does not reply, but Minhyuk saw the younger male’s jaw clench at his words. He hesitates before continuing, “Hoseok-hyung is gone. He’s not going to return.”

    More silence greeted Minhyuk’s statement. But he knew he had struck a nerve, if the tenseness of Hyungwon’s form was of any indication. He was well aware of the relationship the two males had before the accident had happened; a relationship they had long kept hidden from the public eye.

    “Please leave.”

    The words had only been said in a mere whisper that Minhyuk could have thought that he had only imagined them. But he didn’t, he knew.

    “Hyungwon…”

    “Leave,” this one was said a bit clearer. Minhyuk can only stare dejectedly at his friend.

    “I’m sorry--”

    “Leave!”

    Hyungwon had now turned, and it was only then that Minhyuk saw the tears b from the other’s eyes. Minhyuk’s heart clenched at the sight. Knowing that Hyungwon wanted to be alone, Minhyuk nods and lowers his head and turned, “Just know that you still have us,” was the only thing he says before he finally left the taller man alone to his thoughts.

    If Minhyuk did not have his back turned, he would have seen the lone tear that trailed down Chae Hyungwon’s cheek. If he had stayed a bit longer, he would have seen how Hyungwon’s legs seemed to give out as he fell to his knees. Minhyuk would have heard the small sobs that escaped Hyungwon’s lips after. But he did not. Because Hyungwon did not want anyone to see him in this state.

    “Hoseok… p-please,” Hyungwon managed to say in between sobs. “Come back.”

    It takes a while before Hyungwon was able to calm down.

*

    The next day,  he watched from above as the other members left the dorm building and entered a black van that will take them to the place where an empty urn that bore Shin Hoseok’s name was. As much as he knew that they only wanted what was best for him, Hyungwon cannot help but feel betrayed for both his and Hoseok’s sake that the others seemed willing to accept that the  older member was gone for good. Hyungwon, however, refused to believe so. Not without concrete evidence.

    It was only when the van was out of sight that Hyungwon decides to leave the balcony and go back inside. He bypasses the living room and headed straight to the room he shared with Hyunwoo and Minhyuk. After what had happened, the other members decided it was best if they changed the sleeping arrangements a bit. Of course, Minhyuk did not dare to use the bed that Hoseok used to sleep in, knowing that it will piss off the younger if he ever tried to do so. For three whole years that bed became unoccupied, unless of course Hyungwon had one of those moments wherein he finds himself leaving his own bunk bed late at night and laid on what used to be his lover’s bed. He knew the two other people had heard his sobs late at night, but he was thankful that neither had ever called him out for it.

    Slipping on one of Hoseok’s hoodies which he had grown the habit of wearing, Hyungwon makes his way to the said bed and gently laid down on it. It was clean and spot-free, just the way Hoseok likes it. Closing his eyes, he tried to remember all the times he had invaded this said bed, with Hoseok complaining how he was going to dirty his sheets but did not make him leave. Hyungwon remembered how despite everything, Hoseok would lay down on the free space and wrapped his arms around Hyungwon’s thin form, holding him close. Hyungwon remembered inhaling his intoxicating scent as he snuggled closer to Hoseok; the same scent that was now missing on his bed. Silent tears escaped the male’s closed eyes at that, which trailed down his side. Oh, what Hyungwon would do to be in the other’s arms again-- what Hyungwon would do to see him alive.

    “I miss you, hyung,” he mumbles as he envisioned Hoseok’s smiling face in his mind.