c h a p t e r  s i x t e e n.

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It is said that knowledge is power and wisdom is strength in the sense that the more one knows, the more control, influence, and ability they possess. Likewise, with great wisdom comes great vigor and depth of character.

                Naturally, then, knowledge must come before wisdom. To know something is to observe it, to perceive it, and to deliberate it by means of reason and intelligence. Wisdom is achieved when a complete understanding of that something is achieved.

                Knowledge, somewhat like love, also has a most peculiar duality. To know something can be both a blessing and a curse, regardless of the final outcome.

                After hearing the truth about Chen’s troubled past, Wendy felt this duality very keenly. On one hand, she felt completed, concluded; like all of the missing or misdirected pieces of him had found their respective places in her mind. She felt the deeper connection to him and the stronger bond that had been formed through trust and sympathy. It gave her a sense of security and well-being.

                An empty spot in her heart had been filled indeed, but simultaneously, an even bigger hole had been dug out.

                And it was painful.

                That night, Chen drove Wendy home in silence. Before he left her at her doorstep, he tried to apologize again for “burdening her,” but she wouldn’t let him. Their eyes locked at that moment, and she saw it.

                Somehow, there was so much more.

                There was an infinity more of words left for him to give to her and she could see them in his eyes. There was so much more that he wanted to say, to do.

                Part of Wendy wanted to invite Chen in so that they could sit (or lay, even; they both were exhausted after the day’s events) together and talk for hours and hours but she had a nosy roommate and work in the morning and it was already ten o’clock at night.

                Sensing that his time was overspent, Chen leaned forward and kissed her, his lips still against hers.

                “Goodnight.” he said afterwards. “Thank you. For listening.”

                I love you.

                “Of course. Goodnight, Jongdae.”

                I love you, too.

                Chen bowed his head respectfully before walking down the stairs and out of sight.

                Wendy entered her apartment, leaning her back against the closed door behind her and letting out a long, hard sigh. She felt so many emotions all at once. Amber didn’t seem to be home, and Wendy was glad for it.

                To calm her weary mind and her uneasy stomach, she started the kettle and brewed a cup of tea, but it was ultimately left on the counter in the kitchen, untouched.

                The hole in her heart gaped.

                She lay on her bed, thinking. Feeling. Yearning.

                She yearned to comfort him, to reassure him, to help him. To be his anchor. To be his shield. Even though she couldn’t possibly know the extent of his daily pain, she knew that every day, every minute of his life was a struggle. A battle. He was truly admirable to even be able to function as a relatively normal human being in society when every breath felt like an effort.

                Although she knew that she had already done so much for him by listening and for being there as he had said, Wendy felt that she would never be able to do enough for him, and this realization both frustrated and terrified her to no end.

                Turning over, she stared at Taro. He smiled as usual.

                “What do I do?” she asked him.

                Everything wasn’t enough.

                Nothing was enough.

                For the first time since she was a small child, Wendy cried herself to sleep that night.

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During the next couple of weeks, Chen retreated again to continue writing his book. Wendy tried her best not to text him, except in the evening to tell him goodnight and that she hoped that he would have good sleep and pleasant dreams, and also at dawn to tell him good morning and that she hoped that he would have a good day.

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The days passed by swiftly. Thanksgiving came and went. Wendy was careful not to talk too much about the fact that she had gone to visit her sister’s family for the holiday. It was an enjoyable trip, but Wendy was quite disappointed that she wouldn’t see her parents until Christmas because they were busy with work. The corporate world apparently didn’t care about designated times for families to spend together.

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