Mark spent two days moping around his apartment until Youngjae finally came knocking on his door to drag him outside. He never blocked Jinyoung’s number. He couldn’t bring himself to. Instead he just watched his screen light up with his messages. As time passed, the messages came less frequently, but still multiple times a day.

The majority of them were apologies, but never more than a few words. They usually were followed up with wanting to explain and questions asking if they could talk. Once or twice Mark started to reply but then forced himself not to hit send. He felt like now, he couldn’t imagine letting Jinyoung mend his heart, only to eventually break it again. Mark knew he wouldn’t be able to handle it.

It was cliche but the world felt like it was drained of color. He had been surrounded with so much warmth and affection. It felt like his whole world was Jinyoung. If he wasn’t with him, being treated with sweet words and soft smiles, then Mark had been thinking of them and looking forward to when he was going to see Jinyoung again.

He hadn’t realized how attached he had become in such a short period of time. To Mark, they just clicked. He never felt out of place with Jinyoung, he always felt comfortable. The producer had taken such good care of him that it seemed effortless. Mark didn’t know when Jinyoung became a part of him, but he did.

And the fact that the rapper knew that he wasn’t a part of Jinyoung killed him.

Mark kept thinking to himself, where did I go wrong? At what point did I stop seeing Jinyoung for what he was and start believing he was more? Maybe it was the vulnerability that Jinyoung showed when he let Mark see the embarrassing video. Maybe it was when Jinyoung wiped his tears. Maybe it was the bright smile that Jinyoung wore when he walked away from Mark’s door step for the first time. It could have been the look Jinyoung gave him as he sang Mark to sleep, full of nothing but affection and adoration. Or at least that was what Mark thought he saw.

Something, somewhere made Mark’s heart louder than his mind. And so much of him wanted to regret it. He wanted to hate Jinyoung, he wanted to have as much fury as his friend had. But instead he blamed himself. Everyone knew who Jinyoung was, they all expected the same thing from him. It was Mark’s fault for believing otherwise.

Youngjae kept trying to get him to talk about it, but Mark didn’t want to see the look his friend would give him if he said he blamed himself. So he just didn’t talk.

He tried to go back to the way things were but every lyric he wrote was too depressing, too full of self-deprecation. It only frustrated him more. Mark kept wishing that he could just get over the sad part and move into the everything part of a breakup. Not that this really was a breakup and maybe that was what made it hurt the most.

After a week of movie marathons and random outings for milkshakes, Mark wasn’t feeling better and Youngjae was getting worried. The rapper felt terrible. He wanted to be better, he wanted to engage in social activities and actually enjoy things, but he just didn’t have the will power.

So, Youngjae had him do the only thing that felt right. They went to 76. A part of it was Youngjae’s push. They had been sitting in Youngjae’s kitchen, Jaebum was making them impromptu pancakes because that was all Mark was hungry for and Youngjae was sitting next to him frowning.

Mark had become a shell of himself. He only talked when spoken to, and half the time he didn’t hear that because he was too busy in his own sad thoughts. He didn’t make any witty comebacks, no grumpy remarks. And Youngjae hated it.

He had been telling Mark that maybe he needed to start writing again, for the 4th time that day when Jaebum said, “Maybe he just needs to go back to 76.”

The youngest was quick to open his mouth but Jaebum smiled at him and said, “I know babe, I know what you’re thinking but just hear me out, okay?”

Mark could tell that Youngjae wanted to say more, but out of his love for his boyfriend, Youngjae kept his mouth shut.

“Now what if Mark isn’t feeling better because his routine is broken? What if the structure of going to 76 every night is holding him back? Maybe he needs to make a new routine and to see you-know-who and realize how much better he is without him?”

Out of the corner of his eye, Mark saw Youngjae nodding to himself. “Honestly I’m out of ideas and if you think this could work…”

Jaebum shrugged, “It’s worth a shot.”

If Mark was more himself, it would have bugged him that his two friends were talking about him as if he wasn’t there. But even though he was physically present, he knew he wasn’t really there. He also knew that his friends were just worried about him. So at Youngjae’s insistent nagging, they went.

The whole walk over, Mark’s mind was racing. He kept thinking about what would happen if he saw him. Would Jinyoung pretend he didn’t exist like last time? Would he be there with a new guy?

Instead of hoping for the best, Mark was hoping for the worst. Maybe then he would learn to hate him. But deep down he knew what he felt for Jinyoung wasn’t hate. Even after everything and maybe because of everything, he realized he had fallen for him.

So the other part that made Mark come was the hope that Jinyoung would do something terrible. He wanted to see Jinyoung in the light that Youngjae saw him in. He wanted, more than anything, to not be in love. He couldn’t handle loving someone that would never love him back.

He kept these feelings to himself, knowing that Youngjae would be quick to give him another lecture about the whole situation and probably a long apology for giving his blessing to go after Jinyoung. He didn’t want to see the guilt in Youngjae’s eyes. Nor the pity.

When they walked in, Mark’s eyes immediately went to Jinyoung’s usual spot. Hoping to see him kissing some guy, hoping to see him being the boy that he had always been.

But instead, he saw Jinyoung. And Jinyoung saw him. It felt like a knife to his heart when Mark saw the producer’s eyes light up. When he saw the smile that quickly appeared on Jinyoung’s face. It took everything out of him to look away, to force himself not to let his heart feel what it was so desperately trying to feel.

Mark kept his eyes down and let Youngjae pull him next to him. He was thankful that his friend was so good to him. That he hadn’t been given up on.

That slight moment of happiness was forgotten when he heard Jinyoung say, “Mark, I--”

He was too caught up in the fact that he had heard Jinyoung speak for the first time in over a week. That smooth voice that Mark had come to know so well was doused in anxiousness. It was hearing what was usually confidence, turn to something of worry that made Mark look up.

He heard Youngjae cut him off and say something like, “Don’t talk to him, you’ve done enough damage already.”

But Mark barely recognized it. For the first time that night, he looked at Jinyoung, really looked at him. He saw that Jinyoung was alone. He saw the Jinyoung’s hand, which had been reaching out, close and retract. He saw the dark circles under his eyes and the way that his hair looked like it hadn’t been washed in days. He saw the lines of anguish across his face.

He saw the way that Jinyoung’s eyes met his, desperate and begging.

But with Youngjae’s arm around his shoulders, Mark felt strong. He was going to withstand this. He was going to forget. So, he turned away and listened to what Jaebum was saying. Something about his album he was working on.

It was easy to get lost in Jaebum and Youngjae talking. Mark had gotten used to it. He felt Jinyoung’s gaze but never returned it. For once, he felt proud of himself.

Eventually, Jinyoung left.

And even though Mark hadn’t paid him any attention, when Jinyoung left, Mark felt a piece of him leave too. The piece of him that belonged to Jinyoung. He had tried to ignore it all night but when Jinyoung was there, just a couple feet away, Mark had felt more whole than he had all week.

But when he left, it only reminded Mark of how empty he felt. And it made Mark realize that his worst fear was real: he really was in love with Jinyoung.

Mark tried to suffer in silence but it felt like his heart was breaking all over again. He just wanted to go home and cry.

After some time went by and Mark wasn’t feeling any better, he tugged on Youngjae’s sleeve and said, “I’m going home.”

His friend tried to get up and say, “Okay, we’ll take you home.”

But Mark shook his head, “I just want to be alone.”

Youngjae’s smile twisted into a frown but he let his friend leave.

The next day, Mark said he wanted to go back. He saw the weary look that Jaebum and Youngjae shared but it was the first time that Mark had said that he wanted to do anything since the “incident” as the two called it, so they agreed.

But Jinyoung wasn’t there. He never came.

It hurt Mark, walking home alone. It hurt knowing that Jinyoung probably wasn’t alone. It hurt that Jinyoung still had this much control over his emotions and he didn’t even have to do anything to make Mark feel this way.

But it felt better than sitting at home wondering where Jinyoung was, so Mark went back again the next night. And he kept going back. He decided that it was better knowing where Jinyoung wasn’t than not knowing where Jinyoung was at all.

He let Youngjae and Jaebum believe that he was getting better, but he wasn’t, not really. Instead he was just growing with the sadness. The hole that was left in his heart wasn’t healing, but it wasn’t getting any worse. So Mark rejoiced in that, it was the only hope he had that things might get better.

One night, Jaebum asked him and Youngjae to come to 76 because it was open mic night again. The other rapper was showcasing the single from his upcoming album and was excited to perform it for the first time. Youngjae hadn’t heard it so he was buzzing with excitement.

While they sat there on their usual couch waiting for some other rappers to take their turn, Youngjae kept asking Jaebum for some sort of spoiler.

“Is it fast or slow?”

“What is it about?”

“Is it about something deep?”

“Wait is it about me?”

To all of these questions, Jaebum just smiled at Youngjae, his eyes sparkling. It pulled at Mark’s heart, or whatever part of his heart he had left. Half of it felt like it was dead, and the other half was desperately trying to live. At this reminder, Mark frowned, looking down at his hands. He wondered if he was ever going to be whole again.

When Jaebum went up on stage, Youngjae leaned into Mark with a beaming smile. He was so filled with excitement, Mark thought it was adorable. Bittersweet, but adorable all the same.

As it turned out, the song was about Youngjae. It was cute. The melody was fun and light, just like the guy it was about. Jaebum’s smile was wide as he rapped about his love for Youngjae and all the dumb things he does that just makes Jaebum’s heart grow fonder. Mark had to admit it was charming, even though it made him sad at the same time.

It wasn’t until Jaebum came back to the couch, only to be covered in kisses from his boyfriend, that Mark looked away and saw that Jinyoung was there.

The producer was in his normal spot, still alone. But this time he wasn’t looking at Mark. His hands were in the pockets of his jacket and his eyes were glued to the stage where another person was standing. But Jinyoung didn’t really seem to be looking at anything.

Mark couldn’t read him at all and the feeling sunk in his heart. Maybe he couldn’t read him because maybe he never really knew him. He only knew the Jinyoung that was being falsely shown to him.

The rapper tugged at his sleeves, he felt small and dejected but this time there was no one to wrap him in their arms. No one to place soft kisses into his hair and to nuzzle into. Mark was alone. Caught in between an emotionless Jinyoung and a completely in love couple.

Pulling his gaze away, Mark tried to empty his mind of thoughts. He wanted to stay this time. He didn’t want to leave early again, he wasn’t going to let his emotions get the best of him.

Mark left Youngjae and Jaebum to grab another drink. When someone appeared next to him, the brunette was relieved to find out it was Jackson.

“Hey man, how’s it going?” The blonde asked.

Mark knew that the other rapper was only being friendly but that question had become one of his most hated. He didn’t want to be asked how he felt anymore. His emotions barely changed, they only went from sad to more sad these days. What was the point of even answering?

He must have glared at Jackson or something because the blonde raised his hands up and said, “Whoa, hey! Sorry I asked.”

And Mark thought he was going to leave but instead he saw Jackson fiddling with his fingers, as if he was trying to figure out if he wanted to say something or not.

“Um, so as you may have noticed, this is Jinyoung’s first time back here in a while,” Jackson started. He looked nervous saying this. “And I just want to say that the fact that he hasn’t brought a guy here in