Confused /kənˈfyo͞ozd/

- unable to think clearly; bewildered.

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A month has passed since they broke up. Daehwi, by the comment of his friends, said that he was doing fine more than they expected. He doesn’t cry, doesn’t dwell much about his recent break up, laughs like there’s no tomorrow and he looks fine; too fine if you ask his long time friend Woojin who can see through him. There were tons and tons of events that made it conclude that Daehwi wasn’t really fine. Woojin didn’t bother to say anything, as usual, he waits for Daehwi to come to him crying in the middle of the night asking if he can play another game of League of Legends, O2Jam or the Musician, whatever fits his taste that night just to soothe his heart ache. So far, Daehwi hasn’t go to Woojin’s place for those.

Woojin wasn’t sure whether he was seeing things or not, but sometimes, Daehwi’s smiles and laughs looks forced but then again, he didn’t bother mentioning it. It was quite a shock at first when he heard the break up. Daehwi didn’t say anything but “Woojin hyung, please figure it out,” with a broken voice and a stare he couldn’t quite read, he just then held Daehwi’s hand and dragged him to the nearest arcade house for a round of that dance machine thingy and that music game Daehwi likes.

The latter didn’t open up one bit of what exactly happened, he just smiled and shook his head whenever he was questioned of what actually happened, he always made an excuse of “I’ll tell you once I’m drunk,” even though it was clearly a joke. There was one time he went to Taehyun’s place with two cans of beer and one box of chicken. It was a question how Daehwi got a grab of those cans even though he was clearly a minor, but Taehyun didn’t ask, in general, Daehwi’s friends didn’t ask because they know how much Daehwi just want to keep quiet until he’s ready.

It started like that, Daehwi being a happy kid infront of Taehyun and he started drinking that one can of beer. It was a mild beer to be exact but it was enough to get Daehwi tipsy due to his low alcohol tolerance and he was already complaining about how hard it is to talk in that state. Slowly, Taehyun asked about what happened to them. Daehwi smiled and shared what happened, how it was his fault and how his anxiety and other mental and health problems became a real problem in their relationship. Daehwi didn’t cry, his eyes were dry, no hint of tears, he was just there, half-drunk, telling all his emotions and smiling bitterly. He suddenly snatched his phone and began messaging Jinyoung with half-drunk messages until Taehyun thought he had enough and took the latter’s phone and messaged Jinyoung a sorry note saying that Daehwi was halfly drunk and that he’ll send the kid home safely.

The following day Daehwi was messaged with a slightly angry Jinyoung who was scolding him for drinking alone with another guy, especially Taehyun and what things could’ve happened if he wasn’t careful and that he should stop being careless and all. Daehwi was pissed off, firstly because he was too dumb to message Jinyoung last night and secondly, because Jinyoung acted as if he was still Daehwi’s boyfriend. He snapped at Jinyoung then he was shocked and annoyed with the reply.

… ofcourse I would still care, I’m still inlove with you Daehwi, and I still want to love you more.

“Then you shouldn’t have broken up with me in the first place so I wouldn’t be in this confused situation!” Daehwi groaned inwardly and stopped replying. He was clouded with mostly annoyance and anger; he went on and played at the pc bang the whole day.

Another time, it was IOI’s concert. Daehwi was there to support his bestfriend Somi but he wasn’t able to buy a ticket since it was sold our around 3 minutes after it opened. He wasn’t supposed to go to the concert event but he was obliged to since he was in fact the head admin of Somi’s fanclub and he had to distribute the goods Somi’s fans ordered from him. Daehwi knew he had like a 70% chance of seeing Jinyoung at the concert since Jinyoung is a fan of Kyulkyung and would probably be there distributing banners for Kyulkyung as a fan support. He was at Starbucks with Wontak who was quite busy to whatever he was doing when suddenly from afar he could already see Jinyoung. Out of shock, Daehwi said in excuse, he hid behind Wontak. Luckily, with the ocean of people who was passing by, he was not seen.

Daehwi was still waiting for those who ordered the fan goods when the whole gang came, Haknyeon, Seonho and other notable people came by and was talking quite loudly at Starbucks. He suddenly saw Kenta outside waiting for someone. Daehwi knocked on the window and waved at Kenta. The latter came inside and hugged Daehwi. “Daehwi-ah~~” the older cooed. “Can you come with me for a while, I need to meet someone but I’m kinda lost. I need to find that Chaeyeon fansite coz my friend was bugging me to buy at least a fan,” Kenta requested. Daehwi nodded and went with him, searching for the Chaeyeon fansite.

Suddenly Kenta open up a topic, “I saw him earlier,” he started, “Who’s he?” Daehwi asked, not really sure who Kenta was referring to. “You know, Mr. Vote for Kyulkyung or I’ll fight you a.k.a. your now ex-boyfriend,” the older stated, quite careful to be exact. Daehwi gulped, he didn’t really want to talk about him now but it was his sweet Kenta hyung who was asking with great precaution. “Ah~ So you already knew?” was all Daehwi could say. “Well he kept posting on his SNS for like a week saying like, ‘Thank you for the 5 months’ and so, he was really gloomy in his posts. Like it’s already a known fact that he’s deep dark but he went deep dark to deep darker afterwards so I assume…” he trailed off. “Well surprises to me that he looked like I was the one who called it off,” Daehwi was annoyed again for some reasons. “So you’re saying that he was the one who called it off?” Kenta asked, “Yes, and I couldn’t really believe him right now. The other day we were okay then the next day it was already off. It’s confusing really,” he started, saying every bit of frustration and annoyance he has. Kenta listened carefully and deeply while looking for the Chaeyeon fansite his friend kept bugging him about.

They returned to the café and chatted even more. It was about time that they gathered at the gate and so they did. Daehwi didn’t expect that Jinyoung would still be staying at this hour considering that he was “far too busy” to be loitering around too much. Things happened quite fast when he saw Kenta dragging him towards Jinyoung’s group. “Heeseok hyung!” Daehwi greeted, completely ignoring Jinyoung. Kenta gripped him tighter and dragged Jinyoung and him to a quiet place. He stared at Daehwi and said, “You mentioned you wanted to talk. Now talk,” he said directly to Daehwi, “And you!” he pointed at Jinyoung, “Stop being stupid, I beg you,” there was a hint of begging on Kenta’s voice but Daehwi’s mind was too occupied on cursing his sweet hyung, like Kenta is nice, sweet, sunshine and rainbows and all but if he gets pissed off he’s a lot scary. He was probably bombarded by Jinyoung’s whining and Daehwi’s rants that made him do this.

Daehwi couldn’t look up but he was sure that Jinyoung was staring at him with love eyes again. Those eyes that were filled with love and shouts, I love this guy and he’s mine. “I’m leaving,” he said because he was still pissed off with Jinyoung’s childish actions and that he couldn’t bear standing there with a broken heart breaking even more because of this guy. He was walking away when suddenly Jinyoung took his sweater’s back collar and pulled him back. “Talk to me,” Jinyoung said, “Says the guy who has been ignoring my messages for the past few weeks,” Daehwi snapped. It was true though, whenever he felt like ranting or he’s temper was way off he’d message Jinyoung out of habit which he doesn’t think through much but the latter would only see those messages and never reply. Jinyoung sighed because it was a fact, he breathed for a few seconds before asking Daehwi, “How are you?” he asked. “Almost dying,” the younger said. Jinyoung frowned, “Why?” he asked again. “None of your business,” Daehwi was sure he would be regretting this but he couldn’t stop saying harsh words that he doesn’t think about before saying it. “How’s school?” Jinyoung asked again, “Good. I’m regularly going to classes, I have exams by next week and I have my reviewers on my bag,” he stated, not really minding whether he wanted to let Jinyoung know that or not. Jinyoung checked Daehwi’s bag, “Why are you bringing heavy things again?” Jinyoung scolded. “I brought my laptop to school because we needed it,” Daehwi said then glared at Jinyoung. Why do you care? Stop acting like you’re still my boyfriend and just break up with me personally. Daehwi thought. He wanted to spit it out but he couldn’t think of why his mouth was still shut, Jinyoung was petting his hair and his head was already spinning in confusion. Jinyoung sighed; Daehwi knew he was getting tired of this conversation because he wouldn’t be giving him any proper answers. “I’m going,” the younger said and left, Jinyoung didn’t pull him back, he let him go.

Daehwi went back to Kenta, but the older had a stern look, “So, how did it go?” he asked. “I bailed off and said some harsh words but I wasn’t able to tell him that he should break up with me properly...” Daehwi said, head still down and suddenly regrets everything. He should’ve already asked for a proper break up but he was too pre-occupied with all the harsh words he said. He suddenly noticed that Haknyeon and the others were nowhere to be found so he asked Kenta, but the latter said he didn’t notice. If there’s one thing Daehwi hates, it was going home alone. Well it was just few of the things Daehwi hates and there’s a long list of what Daehwi hates but he set that aside and ran off looking for the others. He was starting to get anxious, nervous and restless. He suddenly saw little Woojin, “Woojin-ah did you see where Haknyeon and the others went off to?” he asked. “I don’t know, I’m looking for them to, I got lost when I was talking to Daniel hyung and- wait let me call them,” the younger said and fished for his phone. After a few rings, Haknyeon picked up. “Kid where are you? You suddenly disappeared; we’re at the restaurant near Starbucks,” Haknyeon said, “Ah! Hyung! I’m with Kenta hyung and Daehwi hyung. We’re going there now. Bye.” Woojin said and dropped the call. After finding the gang, Daehwi excused himself and left his belongings, “I’ll just go talk to someone then I’ll come back,” he said quite absent mindedly, shocked at his own words but let it be.

Rain suddenly started to pour and having a habit of not bringing any umbrella, Kenta let him borrowed his. He went back to where Jinyoung is only to meet Heeseok and his friends, “Hyung,” he called out, “Where’s Jinyoung?” he asked, ignoring Heeseok’s complain about having a heart attack. “He already left,” Heeseok said. Daehwi internally panicked. “Can you call or text him?” he asked in a rush. “I can’t, my phones already dead. Why? What happened?” the older asked. “I…” Daehwi was already stuttering. “He just left a few seconds before you came. Run to him, he’s going to the subway exit 7, you can still catch up to him,” Heeseok said with a faint smile. Daehwi thanked him and ran.

It was quite a long run to be exact and he’s trying hard to catch up with Jinyoung. Luckily, he had his transportation card on his pocket and went inside the station. He couldn’t find Jinyoung lining up for the tickets so he ran up to Platform A. Just then the train arrived and the people were already getting inside the train. He was trying so desperately to find him but he couldn’t. He went down and ran to platform B only to be faced with the same fate. The trains left, so does Daehwi’s soul. His chance was already there earlier but he wasted it big time. He stood at the empty platform and broke down from the exhaustion for running and finding. His was alone, kneeling at the empty platform, his tears rolled down and he sobbed quietly.