Problematic /ˌpräbləˈmadik/

- constituting or presenting a problem or difficulty.

---

Jinyoung-ah, I’ve been thinking the whole day about this and I ended up messaging you in the end. There are a lot of things I want to share with you and say to you, things I want to do with you but I couldn’t now. I lost all the time that I could do and say those things and I think this could be the last thing you can hear from me.

            I’m sorry if I ended up like this, I didn’t know either that I would change like this. I’m sorry you have to deal with me, but to tell you honestly, I’m really frustrated about everything that is happening. Lately, I’ve become someone who whines a lot about small things and for some reasons I ended up throwing all my frustrations towards you even if you didn’t do anything.

            I have also realized that we’ve become distant to each other, we speak less now and I can’t remember the time where we talk about things that matter that doesn’t involve school, work and other activities. It was already that long I couldn’t even remember when was the last time I said I love you properly with changing all its spelling.

            I’m frustrated so much when I see that you’re enjoying your friends company more than when I’m with you. It looked like you had all the time in the world and you don’t have any problems.

           I’m sorry I’m using the word “frustrated” a lot coz I do. I’m so frustrated about this situation. I realized we were going in circles. I get angry for no reason, take it out on you, you tried to understand all my actions coz I might be like this or like this, something like could have happened and so on,  you do things that would make me smile, you make me go back to you, then you leave me hanging again then it goes in cycle. I’m not blaming you tho. It was a mutual fault anyways, we stopped being consistent that we couldn’t even message each other simple messages, as I said, I love you too much that I don’t want to hate you. I always say the things I didn’t mean and say the opposite of what I wanted to say. When you said that you want us to take a break I just wanted to say “I need you now more than never so please don’t leave me,” but instead I said “Okay, I was already tired of it anyways,”

            We couldn’t even say goodnight anymore since we’re too busy and tired with whatever we didthe whole day. We couldn’t even say a single hi and ask whether we’re still okay. We grew apart so much that even if we try to do it again it would look and sound too forced. So I don’t know anymore, I’m not tired of you but I’m tired of the situation.

            A few days ago, 30 minutes before the event my dad sent a photo of a woman holding a baby, he said that I could hate him now although I don’t have the heart to do so. I was emotionally unstable before the event but surprisingly I pulled through. All I wanted was to rest, but when I got home my mom was holding my brother and she was already breathing heavily, I couldn’t complain either. My mom told me that I should take care of my siblings first because she couldn’t take it and my other brother was suffering from a toothache. I messaged you in hopes that you could possibly relieve my stress, but I backed out and the outcome was not good. I was hoping I would hear comforting things from you before I go to school.

            I know more or less you know that I was out of it, but you let me keep every thought I have to myself making me swallow all the pain I was handling and I was quite disappointed. But then why would I? To be fairly honest this doesn’t even feel like a relationship anymore. I just feel like we’re just friends and that I am that annoying friend of yours who rants everything about his life and things you don’t want to hear.

            I’m sorry you had a problematic boyfriend like me and probably all I wanted was a person to lean on but I doubt it if you’ll be that one. I think this is right, unless you still want too, but I highly doubt you’ll still accept someone who would only give you headaches and stress.

            I don’t know why I messaged you either whether it is for closure, or a rant or simply because I want to point out the things were you lack on the way you point out things for me.

            Another note, I don’t skip school because I want to, I don’t like skipping school but I don’t have the strength to go there either. I’m sorry you had to deal with me despite being busy with all your studies, friends and other obligations that isn’t me, I’m sorry you fell in love with me who only causes stress and disappointment. Please don’t love and thank me, because I don’t deserve any of it.