Frustatred /ˈfrəˌstrādəd/

- feeling or expressing distress and annoyance, especially because of inability to change or achieve something.

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            Whenever people see Daehwi and Jinyoung the first thing they would say that they’re a cute couple, that they should stay strong and live a beautiful and long relationship. They were perfect for each other. It is the perfect relationship.

It WAS a perfect relationship.

Jinyoung was well, a bit famous, had a lot of friends and pretty much cheerful although people would regard him as deep dark due to his dark aura whenever he keeps his head down. Daehwi was as well known as well, he done a great job in composing music, dancing and even doing variety things such as hosting. It was one event when these acknowledged each other’s presence, with Daehwi asking in a soft voice whether Jinyoung would be performing the next day and with Jinyoung being too mesmerized to Daehwi’s beauty.

Whenever people would ask why Jinyoung liked Daehwi , he would only smile cheekily and shyly say it was love at first sight. That was the beginning of their relationship. Daehwi can’t stop remembering that day when he realized he liked Jinyoung. That day was when they were both going home, Jinyoung listed a lot of things Daehwi should do like secure his belongings and be careful with the people outside since it’s already late. Jinyoung went down the bus first before Daehwi and he had thought that the latter would be a good boyfriend.

There was a catch, Daehwi was too broken beyond repair, and he had several cuts on his wrist, a few attempts on killing himself because he thought it would be a bother to let others know about his problems in life because it would only be classified as being overreacting. He wears a mask on a daily basis, but when Jinyoung came, those cuts lessens and he only showed his vulnerable self to him. He was slowly being his real self again.

They confessed and found that they were on the same page and started dating. They found out they both like museum and ended up going on a museum for their first date. It was cute and they were already bickering about how the photos turned out really ugly they had to edit it our or simply upload something else. Every month they were bound to do something, but during their second month, they were both doing their exams and got a bit busy to go on an actual date. Since Jinyoung was a year higher than Daehwi they expected it to be like this. They didn’t complain with it either.

Third month, they met each other during the break only because Daehwi was going to the States for a week since it’s a family thing. Jinyoung was going to perform that day too so Daehwi managed to give him time to watch the performance before he go straight to the airport. Surprisingly, Jinyoung gave Daehwi a small teddy bear with a message ‘Goodluck on your flight’. It was sweet and Daehw couldn’t ask more.

Fourth month, Daehwi took the effort to do a message book for Jinyoung that contains all their pictures. After the fourth month, things went rough.

Daehwi was again broken, insecure and full of anxiety. Jinyoung was well, simply busy with all his academic works. More days passed, the less time they see each other. Twice a week became twice a month to nothing at all. Daehwi was desperately in need of Jinyoung’s help or atleast presence. Jinyoung promised him they’ll go to the arcade but that promise was never fulfilled.

Daehwi was back to his previous self, the one who always sleep in class and is either late or absent. There are times where he doesn’t go to school at all. Jinyoung doesn’t notice, even if he does all he did was scold Daehwi about how important school is and so on. Never once did he try to ask whether things are going okay for Daehwi. Never, not even once.

            It was one of those things that distract Daehwi from his own sorrows; he volunteered to be a host of an event. 30 minutes before the event started, his father messaged him. Sending a picture of a familiar girl he saw a few years back holding a baby girl. He thought of it and he already knew, ‘You can hate me now,’ his father messaged. He was yet again emotionally unstable, he wanted to scream and ran away but he has an event to host and he just wanted to forget. And he does, the event pulled through thanks to him and to his co-host Daniel. He forgot all his problems for those hours. He received compliments here and there and saw some of his friends he hadn’t seen for a while. Suprisingly, Jihoon was there too, “Jihoon hyung!” he exclaimed, still happy about everything and all “Hey Daehwi! It’s been a while, you did great earlier!” he smiled.

“Ah! Jinyoung said he messaged you, but I told him you were still hosting so…,” he added. “Ah! I’ll message him now, thanks hyung!” Daehwi said then suddenly calls from the other staffs can be heard taking Daehwi away from Jihoon. He checked his phone and laughed after seeing 28 messages from Jinyoung.

            Daehwi-ah! Goodluck on your event today!

            I was supposed to go to practice today but I got sick so I didn’t go

            Don’t worry about me though.

            I heard you were great today, congrats!

           I heard my friends and even from Jihoon that you were a great host today, I’m so proud of you!

            Make sure you eat and go home directly after the event okay?

            Don’t get tired too much, take rest and you still have classes tomorrow I don’t want you to be absent again.

            Always remember that I love you~~~~

And more messages with the similar context. He smiled, maybe because his Jinyoung is back, the one who doesn’t scold him a lot and all. He felt loved that moment and he suddenly forgot that he was close to hating Jinyoung. He replied almost immediately saying that he’s going home at that moment and he’ll reply as soon as he gets home.

             He rode the subway, it was a long ride or in Daehwi’s mind it would be. He was already tired and all he wanted to do once he got home is sleep and stop himself from doing his missed school work. He wanted rest that’s for sure. He sat down the subway and stared at the window. He sighed in relief, it was already dark but the night looks young, his breathing was stable, and there was no sharp pain from his chest. He sighed in relief as he hears the railways and the air condition; he was relaxed which was weird enough that something like this would make him feel calm despite having the flickering lights and annoying voice intercom, he was still calm by the scenery

Daehwi stared and observed the blank dark walls by the subway window and thought about it. He started to question everything about him all of the sudden. Like whether he’s still existing or not, whether he is still in love with Jinyoung or not, whether he still wants to live or not. He felt confused and scared. He was starting to think of useless thoughts again. Thoughts that would hurt him again, he started thinking again and again. More thoughts make his heart heavier. It was harder to breathe, the former calming sounds of the air condition and railways was now faint and seemed far away although he was still in the said vehicle. He saw his reflection by the window and judged himself. He was ugly, pathetic, considered to have a princess complex, full of anxiety and full of regrets. Even though he wanted to say he was depressed he doesn’t want to classify himself as one because it would be named as overreacting rather than depression. His thoughts clouded him even more, he was worthless, he was no good, even if he tried harder he wouldn’t be as good as Jinyoung. He started to get insecure of himself and now he was comparing himself to his boyfriend. It was harder to breathe even more like someone cased him in plastic bag, placed in a cabinet. It was suffocating him even more, he doesn’t know where these thoughts come from and all he wanted is for these thoughts to stop. And it did.

It was after the intercom told him that it was his stop when those flooding thoughts stopped. He tried to regulate his breathing, everything was fine. He quickly went home in hopes of spending more time in bed, only to be greeted by his mother who was already having a hard time to breathe. “Daehwi-ah, can you do me a favor? Please take care of your brother, I’m having a high blood I can’t handle him, your other brother is in his room but he’s suffering from toothache. I’m sorry,” his mother said and he took his 5-month old brother from his mother’s arms. He couldn’t have the heart to complain because it is his duty as an eldest son. He went to their room and played for a while. He was already tired and no longer functioning, he messaged Jinyoung in hopes of being relieved from this kind of stress.

            His expectations on this case had crumbled when Jinyoung started to scold him over the same thing over and over again like he thought that maybe it was really his fault he had to be this way. Daehwi shrugged it off and did what Jinyoung said.

            Nvm what I said earlier, I’m just tired I guess, I’ll go to sleep now. Goodnight.

Daehwi replied without even saying I love you like he always do. He was already getting tired of it, maybe because he and Jinyoung don’t see each other that much he lacks physical contact and he lacks moral support too. He was close to done. He felt emotionless, blank and simply annoyed. It was the same thing over again and he didn’t even get the chance to open up what he truly wants to say.

Daehwi slept that night, not on a bed but on a sea.

The next morning was something joyful, a day of relaxation since classes got cancelled thanks to a group of people who began a rally or strike. He told Jinyoung they have no classes but the latter was silent. A few minutes later he messaged Daehwi and Daehwi knows what the meaning behind those words was.

            Daehwi-ah, I need to tell you something important.

Daehwi gulped, he knew what Jinyoung meant but for some reason he was simply blank, expressionless and emotionless.

            What is it about?

He replied. A few more ticks of the clock Jinyoung sent a really long message, through which Daehwi started sobbing quietly.        

I think we should take a break for a while. Things are kinda rough between us and I no longer want to see you in this state. I want to be honest with you that I’m quite busy lately coz of school but I’m trying hard to give you my time. I don’t want you to go astray so please go to classes regularly, eat a lot and don’t skip meals, sleep by 10pm and stop sleeping at 12mn. I’m doing this coz I love you and you need your space and I need mine. Thank you for the 5 months we spent together in a relationship. Thank you, I love you Lee Daehwi and Goodbye.

Daehwi smiled bitterly and replied a short okay. His tears were rolling down fast like they’re having a race on their own, the song he was listening to, even though it’s a hype song like Seventeen leader’s Change Up, it suddenly turned into a sorrowful melody that even if Daehwi sang along with it his tears falls even more. His sobs turned to silent cries as he continued to type.

Okay. At least that came from you and not from me. I was planning on doing it anyways; I’m already getting sick and tired. I get it that you’re busy and all but it seems like you have all the time in the world. I love you too much that I don’t want to hate you so I think this is okay, this is fine.

No, Daehwi didn’t mean all those words, he wants to go to Jinyoung and beg him to stay because he needs him more than he could ever do but his hands won’t say those things. It was really frustrating for Daehwi to say the things that are totally the opposite of what he want s to say so in the end he tried hard not to regret what he said. It was the worst break up, even worse than when he broke up with Samuel that they also ended things through chat and not personal communication.

Daehwi stopped, with a bitter smile, laughing at his own silliness and pitiful image, he messages his friends for desperate help to ease the pain he never knew would exist.

-CONT-