More times were passing, more the situation with SM & tvxq were degrading. Jae, junsu & yoochun were the one ; bursting out in anger most. Jae really couldn't believe how can a company push the artists to a inhumane limit & still treat them like crap! Yes, he needed more money ; but he also needed more respect. He gave away his whole family ; friends & chose to be an artist who lives so far away. So, didn't he deserve more? Didn't they all deserve more? Is it selfish to think that way?
The two things that kept him in track during those days were the fans & yunho. The uncountable love & cheer the fans gave them were unbelievable. Everytime they went to a concert, it felt like a dream. & yunho was always there. In between the walls, when they let their guards down, yunho is there to lift them up. To assure them better days will come. But it almost looked impossible. In those gloomy days, it's hard to believe but yunho was the cheerful one. He would look out for jae, hold his hand & keep on looking from time to time to make sure he is okay. He will even make jokes & take initiative to do skinships both on & off stage. Jae felt shy at those moments. He actually could feel the feminine gestures coming out of him out of no where. Yunho had that manly charm which made him completely forget about pressures at time. But there's a thing. Once you feel violated ; you won't feel better until you protest. Standing up for yourself is something you have to do ; even when there is a person who looks after you like a baby.
Jae was a baby & he needed yunho. He was pretty sure yunho needed him too. But he was never sure if he is the only one. He thought & thought but couldn't come with an answer how would a manly guy like yunho be satisfied with just him! He can't give him everything.
Jae knows that yunho loves kid & he did too. Everytime jae's mom would talk about girls & marrying & kids ; jae could feel the pressure & the undeniable urge to change the topic. He doesn't know what he is doing. He doesn't know what is in his future. He doesn't know what price he has to pay & why he is risking it all on yunho. But with yunho ; the wrong moves just feels so right. it's funny how before they talked a lot about life & future & after they got together ; they don't. Even if someone unconditionally raises the topic, thehe other one would put it off.
At nights when the lights are off & they are laying down with each other fingers intertwined ; jae could feel his heartbeating so fast. On those moments he wanted to put up all the courage he had & ask yunho "Who am I to you?". But he didn't. Those words were pushed down the throat by him & he choked by them. He didn't wanna pu