8 Clueless

“C’mon. Please do a photo-shoot for me.” Baekhyun just entered the house while Youngkyun and I are playing thumb wrestling. Shocked with seeing our hands entwined he screamed, “Omygod! Omygod! I just left you for roughly a week and now this! Kim Youngkyun! Explain!”

With lazy eyes we just looked at him not bothering to let go of each other’s hand. It has just been six days when they left and Youngkyun and I just really spent all those days being friendly to each other and by friendly, I mean dissing each other by day then crying on each other’s arms by night.

“And you’re really not letting go of each other! What’s up? I’m really lost right now.” Baekhyun sits on the couch across the one we’re sitting on.

“Ever heard of thumb wrestling?” Maybe Youngkyun was distracted that he didn’t notice I was focusing on knocking out his thumb and in 3 seconds I shouted, “I won! I won! I won!”

He grumbled.  “Tzuyu! That’s not fair! I wasn’t looking and I-”

“No, Youngkyun. A loss is a loss. And you just lost.” I winked at him. “So, you’re going to accompany me on my next photo-shoot.”

“I live in front of the cameras, sweetie.”

“But this time, you won’t.”

“And that photo-shoot’s going to be mine.” Suddenly, Baekhyun sits between Youngkyun and I. “I’m still here. Don’t forget I’m still here.”

“Who says I’m going to be your photographer?”

“But, Tzuyu! I can’t make myself look vulnerable to other photographers the way I can if it’s you behind those lenses.” Those lenses. Two to three days of not looking through the lenses feels as if I’m normal. Like, I’m living a normal life. I still seriously have no idea how the camera works the way it does when I look through it. I can see the past and future that’s why I’ve been living with almost perfect decisions… Without it, I think my life will be ruined with how impulsive and selfish I am at times. I can’t even remember how my life had been before those lenses came to my life. Sure, I remember how I became friends with Jennie and Baekhyun but I can’t remember other parts of my life. Like, someone purposely erased them in my memories.

“Fine,” I surrender agreeing to Baekhyun’s request.

“Does that mean I’m free to tag along and see my cousin trying hard to look cool?” Youngkyun excitedly asks, even stands up and jumps.

“Sure, kiddo. But why are you so happy?” Intrigued Baekhyun suddenly comes back.

“Because I know how you really are behind the camera and it’s just that I want to see Tzuyu work behind those lenses too,” Youngkyun explains.

“It’s just the same way I do whenever I take a picture of you,” I told Youngkyun. It was fine for me that he’ll tag along on my job but on a photo-shoot with Baekhyun? I think I just dug my own grave.

“You just always look emotional whenever you take a picture of me. Is it really just your passion or is it my good looks that makes you cry?”

“Your over-confidence makes me cry.” I stand up from my seat and leaves the two in the living room.

It hasn’t been so long before I heard knocks on my door.

“Come in!” I hid the notebook I’ve been reading since I came in my room.

“What are you doing right now, Tzuyu?” Baekhyun closes the door and sits on the bed next to me. He must have sensed that I’m hiding something from him.

“I just... I’m afraid I’d be seeing something from you again,” I lied. It wasn’t totally a lie though. I have always been afraid whenever I go to photo-shoots but what makes me more afraid now is having someone watch me seeing the effect of being able to see people’s past and future. Also, I’m afraid I have to write something on my notebook again… I’m afraid I’d see Baekhyun’s sad life…again.

“It’s okay, Tzuyu. You don’t have to tell me what you see this time. I think I have to live my life according to how I want it to be. I have to learn that fear is a part of life and being able to overcome it makes you alive.” Sure, I tell Baekhyun what I saw during our photo-shoots – his past with EXO, his life with his family, or those times he has spent being silly alone. But I never told him about his story with Jennie. I only have it written on a notebook which is just under my pillow that’s approximately a foot away from his reach. I don’t want to tell him the part of the past that still affects his present.

What Baekhyun has just said brought more impact on me than I thought it would. I have been dependent on it as well—so much more than he is, I guess. But doing the same thing that he will; I don’t think I can do that. Still, I’m trying to figure out my own past through the lenses and I don’t know if this will even work out. “How will you do it, Baekhyun?”

“I won’t depend on whatever you tell me you see through the lenses.”

“How about me, Baek? How will I do the same?”

“Throw those lenses. If you want, I’d just buy you a new one.” But throwing these lenses is throwing a part of me too. It helped me become who I am today and I think the only way for me to know the Chou Tzuyu of the past is through the lenses.

“But, Baek, how about my past?”

“It’s all part of the past now, Tzuyu. It doesn’t matter anymore. Live in the moment. You can’t do anything about your past anymore. All you have is one shot in life, Tzuyu. Don’t waste your time trying to figure out your past,” Baekhyun says and flashes a sympathetic smile. He stands up and leaves me. No, Baekhyun. Your past is still your present. I know.

“Ok! Break-time! Where’s the make-up artist? Can you retouch Baek’s make-up? The make-up is becoming cakey.” I called out and review the shots I took. Youngkyun claps his hands beside me, shaking his head in amazement. “You look like a professional there, Tzuyu.” Of course, I do. It’s really hard to pretend I don’t see anything at all when I see everything.

What did I see today? I only saw Baekhyun and Jennie on their first date being a couple. Them making the headline of every entertainment news outlet, them being scolded by their managers, and the tough time Baekhyun had when he was alone thinking how messed up he thinks of his lovelife and how messed up his solo career has become.

“I told you, Youngkyun. Tzuyu is the best!” Baekhyun approaches us and puts his arms around my shoulders.

“That makes me think of actually referring you to become our official photographer on our upcoming concerts! Imagine watching your boyfriend—“

“What boyfriend?” Baekhyun alertly asks.

“Boy space friend. Just a friend who happens to be a boy!”

“Ah! I thought you’re already a couple!” Baekhyun removes his arm from my shoulders and puts his hand on his chest.

“I wish.” Youngkyun whispers (as if I can’t hear him) and puts his hands on both of his pants’ pockets and walks away whistling. I didn’t bother reacting anymore. Feeling my cheeks hot, I think it’s enough for me not to have Baekhyun tease me. Whatever this feeling is, I’d keep this to myself. I don’t want anyone to know this. This is just a phase, this is nothing.

After what felt like forever—the photo-shoot went on for 8 hours, I think—we are finally on our way back home. I was blindfolded when I feel someone poking my cheeks. “What?” I irritatingly asks facing where the finger is coming from without removing my blindfold.

“Stupid! I’m on your right. Who are you talking to on your left?” Youngkyun sighs.

“Can’t you see I’m on a blindfold?”

“I can but you can’t see.”

“Non-sense. What is it this time, Youngkyun. I’m tired.”

“I already talked to our manager. He already viewed your past photos taken with other artists and also your photos on other promos. He liked, no, scratch that. He loves it! He’s going to refer you to our events manager and see if you’ll be coming with us on our concerts!!!”

I removed my blindfold and my eyes widen. “What?”

“I told you earlier, right? And you didn’t say no so, I really referred you while you were busy with the photo-shoot.”

“How many are you again in SF9?”

“It would be SF12 if we were 12,” Youngkyun sardonically says and rolls his eyes.

Nine boys. Nine life stories. It’s not even a photo-shoot with them. I’d be their official photographer on their concerts. It means I won’t even have time to allow myself adjust. I don’t have time if I ever get overwhelmed if I am to see something.

“Don’t worry. You’d be working with us before the concert as well. Like, during the practice and preparation stuff.”