It was three days later, a package came to our apartment. Yoseob was the one that received it while I was away for college. When I came back he was sitting down on the sofa, his hand clutching the package and he stared at it blankly. He then looked up and gave the package to me.

The package was very light and simple, wrapped with brown paper. My eyes widened at the sight of the handwriting on the top right corner. My heart was literally  beating like a hammer inside my ribs. It can’t be… how…

To : Yongjun Oppa

 “You should open it hyung, I’m sure she left it for you for a reason. Explanation.”

Explaination? What kind of explanation?

“… I met her two days before she… before she left.”

My eyes shot up to him. His face was of agony and guilt.

“I met her at the florist when I pick Gyuri noona up for dinner. She was like how she used to be, I didn’t realize anything was wrong. But then she asked me how we would be without her…”

No it can’t be. Why would she? Don’t let this be, god…

“…and the officers found her luggage in the crashed taxi. Maybe this has something to do with it. I think… I think it’s her farewell message hyung.”

Farewell message? She… planned to leave?

I opened the wrapping with shaking hand and it revealed a plastic case with DVD inside it. I touched the surface of it, afraid of what would be known. What would be revealed, what would the reality actually be. Would it answer everything? Or would it be something that was not meant to be known? Would it…

“I’ll go out for a walk. If anything happens, call me, ne?” he patted my shoulder and went out.

Gathering myself up, I put the DVD in the player. The screen was blank. One minute had passed and the screen was still blank. Farewell message? It didn’t change the fact that she left. I reached for the stop button on the remote controller, stopping this entire nightmare.

“Umm… Test?”

My hand stopped as I touched the stop button. That voice…

“Hello Yongjun-ah… Well, at least I hope it’s you…”

The screen turned into the face that I longed the most. That soft straight dark brown hair, those doe eyes, that smile… My Hara. My sun.

“When you watch this, maybe I’m already in somewhere far far away. I hope everything’s alright there, I hope you’re alright. How’s mom and dad?”

My body went numb, it’s hard to even breathe. I gripped the remote controller in a death grip.

“Maybe you’re mad right now, so were everyone… I’m sorry for the trouble I brought because of my childish decision, but I’ve been thinking about this. I hope you can understand.”

She shifted her eyes downwards and stared back at the camcorder again. She took a deep breath, her smile faltered.

“I… I always depend on you. Since the first time I met you until now. When I saw you that day in the park, I felt like… like I’ve known you for a lifetime. Like you’re a part of a time where I have no memories of. And it felt… right to just be with you. The way you answer me was exactly how I imagined it to be. It’s weird, but it felt right.

“After that, I know that I wanted to be with you. I have to be with you, or I’ll lose myself. I was very happy when you came back to the park again. I was very happy that you chose to be with me that day. And the day after that, and after that.

“I cherish the memories we made together, being with you was the thing I hold dear in my heart. You were my savior, my light in the dark, my anchor, my life…”

Tears were visible in her eyes, threatening to fall. She blinked back the tears, fighting it.

“Because I can only see you and only you and no one else… because nothing else mattered anymore… because I know that I want to give you my heart, my soul, my being, my whole, my all, me,to you… it’s frightening. I don’t know what happened to me, but I’m… I’m afraid. I’m lost. I lose myself. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

“I tried to reach it but I slipped, I tried countless times. I want to find myself again, to know, to understand, so that I’m free to give you my all… But I can’t. I don’t know. I don’t understand. What can I do? Who is Goo Hara? I’m lost! I don’t know what to do…”

Something wet splashed on his neck. But he didn’t care.

“It’s hard… to act like nothing is wrong, to act like everything’s okay while it’s not. I’m wrong, Junhyung, I’m…”

She cried. For the first time since his world revolved around her, she cried.

“I need you in my life; I don’t care what everybody says. What I feel for you is more than love, more than need, more than want, more than… more than everything I know and it’s suffocating me. You’re always there, I know you’ll always be there, for me… you will do anything for me. I don’t need any reason for it, because I just do…

“But everything has a reason, even the unreasonable. That’s what you said right? So what I felt right now isn’t … real? It’s just a utopia? A dream? I don’t know anymore!”

I felt something cold on my cheeks. I touched it and realized that… I was… crying?

“I need an anchor; I need you to keep me sane. To keep me from these thoughts… But how can I? Who am I to ask? A selfless person? I don’t want you to save me, because I know I need to find the answer alone. The one that can save me is I, not you, not anyone. Me. I have to safe myself while I don’t know how and who. I…”

She choked back a sob and took a deep breath, trying to regain her composure.

“So I ran away. I can’t keep asking you of what I should do or what I’ll be… because I will believe in everything you say, even though the answer was not… what… who I am. I’m afraid. I’m scared.

“Maybe with my departure it’ll be a good thing. You can learn to live as you. You can live your life!  You can do things that you can’t do with me still being here, attached to you. You can be free as your own… free from me.”

“Not if it mean to lose you!” My mind screamed, my heart shouting, my soul was torn.

“Maybe someday, when we meet again, I would know the answers of my own life. I would know the reason why I live my life. I hope you’d know yours by that time, and we can search for a new reason together. But as for now… I need my time, alone. To think about things. To find out the answers. To find me.”

“Why can’t you see, Hara? You don’t have to search for it! The reason is here! Me!” I plead. For her who ran away. To stay. To stop the time and turn it back.

“You must’ve thought that I’m insane, I’m crazy, I talk nonsense… but I just want you to know. About a Goo Hara. A human that knows nothing. I thank you for being there, to answer me, to be with me… I’ll never forget you. Us. For everything you’ve been through. What we’ve been through. What you taught me. What you gave me.”

She stared at me with longing and hope. Her lips formed a small smile, the last smile I’ll ever see from her.

“Can I ask you one more question? So that it can be a reason for us to meet again, if fate allows us…”

“Just ask Hara, just ask…”

“Why us?”

I stunned. Don’t you see? Can’t you see? Why can’t you?

“Untill we meet again… Farewell Yong Junhyung.”

And the screen went blank.

I didn’t know how long I stayed there until someone shook me and took me back.

“Hyung! Hyung! What happened? Wh- you’re… you’re crying…?”

I stared at him, my vision was blurry. I felt a pair of arms pulled me away from my frenzy – holding me.

“It’s okay hyung, let it go… Let her go.”

That’s when the sob I didn’t know I held back came out. And another. And another. And my tears were pouring down my eyes.

“Why can’t she understand? Why?”

“You know she’s different hyung. She’s one in a million. She’s her own self. That’s what you told me…”

“Why can’t she accept that she’s the reason I live? That maybe I’m the reason that she’s looking for? Maybe I’m her all like she’s my whole? That I’m her as much as she’s me?”

I heard him sob to my shoulder, his fingers curled on my shirt. He was fighting it off, like I did.

He didn’t answer. I didn’t answer it too. Maybe it’s not meant to be answered. Maybe the reality I knew was not the reality she knew. Maybe our expectations and hopes were different. Maybe it’s me who didn’t have the ability to understand her, or maybe it’s the other way around. Maybe…

Maybe it’s because the reasons were not reasons at all. Maybe because some questions were not meant to be answered. Like I could never solve her. I was never meant to.

“She’ll find the answer hyung. If she doesn’t, you’ll tell her the answer. Someday. When you’re ready. When she’s ready. But now, let her find it for herself.”

Tears keep rushing down like a broken dam. We stayed in silence until he pulled away from his hold of me and wiped the remaining tears on his face.

“Aren’t you hungry hyung? I’ll cook dinner. Might as well try to make kimchi fried rice recipe she taught me.”

It was her favorite dish.

“Anything will do, I’m dead hungry for now.”

“You’re dead for a week, hyung. It’s okay.”

Okay? Will I ever be okay?

It seemed like he read my thoughts because he answered it.

“You will be. You have to, for her. Untill the day you’ll meet her again. For now, just eat and live okay?”

I nodded, grateful for my cousin, and for the fact that she left for a so-called mission. She will be back. If she wasn’t, I’ll be the one to go to where she is.

Untill that day.

Someday.

------tbc------