It’s raining.

I glanced at the sky, water droplets were splashing to my face. I don’t know if it’s a mere coincidence or not, but the sky was mourning for her – replacing me to… cry? But why should I? How could I? Cry equals to emotion, and my whole being refused to feel anything at all. It’s as if I lived, but not living.

Cliché.

I looked down to the small white stone, with an elegant arch on the upper side. Flowers were put nicely around it, as if it was meant to be a special bouquet for a special day. Above it, three lines were engraved in silent memoriam. I read it again, for God know how many times already.

Goo Hara

1991-2012

A loved daughter, friend, and lover.

She must have laughed at her own gravestone. I’ll never know why, she always did. Amused at every single thing, smiled through her whole day, and just being happy because of nothing. She’s a simple girl. A simple being. Yet very complex at the same time. I could never decipher her, understand her, or solve her. She was unique and exquisite, like how fingerprints were different from each other. One could never know the reason why, but that’s just the way she was.

I first met her when I was ten. She was eight and in her peak of curiosity. Fate allowed her to do her mission to bother me for a lifetime, starting from that day. Out of all people out there in Earth, in South Korea, in Seoul, in this park, she chose me.

“Why the ocean is blue?”

Her first word to me, her first question, took me aback. Part of me was thinking ‘who is this girl’ another was thinking ‘should I answer the question’ and the bigger part of my brain was registered with ‘why me’.

“I don’t really know. Why are you asking me? Ask your dad or something.”

She blinked at my response and her ice cream, still eyeing me with those big, doe eyes. Then she smiled.

“Because I think you’d know... No, I knew you’d know.”

I don’t know why I decided to answer it, even until now.

 “Because it’s a sky for those who live under it. That’s why it’s blue.”

Her eyes widened and she sat in front of me, on the wide surface of grass. Her hand grasped mine in a tight hold.

“Really? I knew you’d know! My name is Hara, yours?”

”Junhyung. Yong Junhyung.”

“Junhyung? Nice to meet you!”

She grinned from ear to ear – her ice cream was long forgotten, splattered on the green grass.

 Then came the question.

“Will you be here tomorrow?”

“… I think so.”

The question that changed my world forever.

“Then I’ll come tomorrow. And the day after that. And after that. You would be here right?”

“… Why? You don’t even know me. Idon’t know you.”

Then she laughed. Her eyes shone and her laughter sounds like a choir of ringing bells of a green, untouchable meadow.

And led me to a whole new world I never thought I’d know.

“Because I think you’ll be the answer to my questions. People don’t want to answer, they say it’s weird for me to think those kind of things. But I’m eight already! Of course I know things. Don’t you think so?”

Her hand still grasped mine firmly, and she pulled it towards her chest.

“You would answer me right? You will always be here right?”

A whole new world I thought would last forever.

“I guess so…”

“Great! I’ll come here tomorrow, don’t run away arasseo?”

Intrigued by her attitude and happy-go-lucky self, I found myself answered.

That would be a perfect meaning for this imperfect world.

“I won’t.”

Her.

But nothing lasts forever.

And here I am, still standing still like a zombie looking at the thing that showed me that a part of her was still here, in front of me. The hollow keep clawing in and I found myself numb to the world. My brain refused to think of anything, my heart refused to feel anything, and my soul refused to live.

“Yongjun-ah!”

“What?”

There’s only one person in the whole world that call me by that.

She’s now fifteen and I’ll be seventeen in two months. She still asked me questions that came up from nowhere, demanding me to answer them until she’s satisfied by it. And I know how… unexpected those might be.

“Why do we live? I mean, live like this? Like going in an endless circle called time and can never stop.”

Like that one.

But I’ll never hear it again.

“I don’t know… Maybe fate wants us to find out the reason why we live whilewe’re living.”

“When will I find it out? What will happen if I find out?”

And I’ve told you she’ll keep asking questions until she’s satisfied.

Her voice, her hum, her laughter.

“It depends on people, I think. If fate blessed them, they’ll know.”

She paused for a while, her back still touching mine as we sat on the carpet. Mom called us for dinner from the dining room with the usual if-you-do-not-come-here-in-fifteen-minutes-I-will-never-call-you-my-son-again tone.

“Will I know? Will we know?”

She stared at me; her fingers laced with mine. My lips formed a small smile.

“We’ll try to find it. Together.”

I’ll never feel the way her skin touched mine softly. Not anymore.

“Together?”

“Yes, together.”

She beamed happily and kissed my cheek. Soon I found myself walking towards the dining room; my smile never fade.

“Hyung…,” a hesitant voice ringed through my ears. “It’s been two hours since the funeral ended. And you’re soaked to the bone… Go home and rest, hyung.”

A figure stood beside me and touched my shoulder. Then I realized the rain wasn’t pouring down like before. I glanced up to see a black thing blocked away the droplets. An umbrella.

It’s autumn already, rain was falling down like an invisible curtain. He was holding an umbrella, an arm looped itself on his in a loose grip.

“High school is over now… Now what should I do? I can’t believe I’m graduated already…”

I laughed as we walked down the street, taking a stroll as we got back from the celebration of her graduation. A familiar honk made me stopped and bowed, while Hara waved to her mother and mine with a bright smile. Her family car drove past us, and we resumed our so-called future talk.

“What do you want to do?”

She bit her lower lip, hesitating. Suddenly she looked up  and her eyes shining brightly.

“I want to enter a good university, get married, have cute children and raise them with my own hand, have my own house with a big garden and white fence…”

“You always dream those kinds of things since the first time we met,” I chuckled.

“Of course! And I want to know the answer to my endless questions… I think I’ll never be satisfied.”

“You never do.”

We walked in silence until we reached her house.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”

She nodded and waved me goodbye. Four steps later I heard rapid footsteps and a hand tugged my coat.

“Where’s my goodbye kiss?” she pouted.

I laughed as I cupped her chin and lowered my head. The umbrella fell to the cement street with a soft thud and the cold rain trickled down on our skin; her lips met mine halfway in a chaste and warm kiss.

“Please hyung, please. Don’t…. do this okay? She doesn’t want you to be like this, I know it.”

I looked at the gravestone again, and noticed my flower for her is the only one that stood out from the rest. A sunflower over white roses. Like how she stood out for herself over the others. Like how I see her. Different, sunny, and bright.

“Let’s go home now, hyung. You need a rest.”

My body moved to the parking lot, walking like a dead man I was now.

*****to be continued*****