Pairing: SeulKai

Synopsis: For some reason every time Seulgi felt the urge to confess to Jongin, something never felt right.

It was always the four of them, Seulgi, Taemin, Jongin, and Soojung. They were a source of support that Seulgi couldn’t find anywhere else. They were her the pillars holding her up on days when her muscles were so sore that she could barely move and the anchors tethering her to the ground and keeping her from drifting away.

There was four of them, but trainee life doesn’t last forever and Taemin was the first to go. It wasn’t something that anyone could say they weren’t expecting. He was captivating and powerful in every move he made yet graceful and soft all at the same time. Taemin was more ready than any of them, but that didn’t mean Seulgi was ready to see him leave them all behind.

She remembered the night before his debut when the four of them sat by the Han river eating food cart tteokbokki and reminiscing on times that were a forever in the past. Seulgi was quiet and completely out of tune with her friend’s conversation, staring into the deep and seemingly neverending river.

Taemin, being the ever-sensible one, gave her shoulder a slight bump and inquired as to what was on her mind. Seulgi chuckled quietly to herself, “What am I gonna do without you?” The girl was smiling, but the tears in her eyes could be clearly seen. Anyone else would have thought she was in love with him, but that was just how she was. Seulgi held all those dear to her close to her heart and she would do anything in her power to keep them by her side.

“I’m not dying Seulgi,” despite his cheery disposition and cheeky smile, Taemin too, was worried. He pulled his friend in for a hug, to ease not one heart, but two. Seulgi promised to contact him often even if he wasn’t able to contact her back.

Before Seulgi could recover from Taemin’s absence, it was time for Soojung to go. To her, Soojung was the sister she never had, as cliche as it was. She was her literal other half, the only person who could understand her without her having to say a word. Soojung was the smile she looked for on a particularly stressful day and the firm hand she desired when she felt like she was sinking.

Seulgi chose not to mention her inner thoughts to her friend, deciding that it would not help the situation in the slightest. Soojung was terrified, although she would never let it show on the outside. Seulgi needed to be the strong one this time and hold her hand when she was feeling weak. Seulgi cried not only out of happiness but of sadness for her impending loneliness as well. She was over the moon that her best friend was debuting, but the knowledge that she was leaving her was more than enough to draw tears from her.

Soon, though, Soojung could get that support from her group members and no longer from Seulgi herself. She tried her best to not feel unneeded and abandoned, but she was never one to be in control of her feelings. To keep herself from wallowing in despair, she threw herself into her work, into passing every evaluation and soon fulfilling her dreams.

At that time it was just her and Jongin, but Seulgi knew that even he would soon disappear. He became the closest person to her at that time. Soojung and Taemin were so busy that contact with them was slim to none and she could no longer depend on them for support. Jongin was always there, always so ready to listen and understand. He became the one she ran to with her news, whether good or bad and the one she felt herself longing to see more often than not.

Seulgi realized she felt something different for him right before he was set to leave her. He was teaching her his choreography in the early morning when everyone else was sleeping in their beds. His sweat-drenched hair stuck to his forehead in a way that made him the most attractive man she had ever seen. His moves were so crisp and clean that it made Seulgi want to work that much harder and grow in her skills. She wanted to match him in talent, she wanted to be worthy.

“I can’t say goodbye to you,” she said as they sat against the mirrors, their clothing sticking to their backs uncomfortably. There was a beat of silence between them and Seulgi feared exhaustion had gotten the best of him.

Jongin took her hand in his, “Then don’t say goodbye.” His response was nothing but a whisper as if hoping that she wouldn’t hear. Seulgi wasn’t exactly the type to get too emotional, but she felt tears welling up in her eyes as she tightly gripped his hand.

I think I love you, she wanted to tell them, right then and there. She couldn’t ignore how selfish of her that would be, however. She wouldn’t forgive herself if she distracted him up before his debut, it wouldn’t be fair, it wouldn’t be right.

Seulgi took his pinky in hers, “Promise me that when you win your first award, you’ll come to me and we’ll celebrate together like we used to do.”

He looked her dead in the eyes and she could feel herself falling for him that much more, “Promise.” He smiled at her and Seulgi found herself smiling back despite the feeling of a boulder resting in her gut. She wanted to be selfish and kiss him and tell him everything that she’s been holding in, instead, she decided she’d wait. Now wasn’t the right time.

“Should I call you Kai now?”

“No, please don’t. I’m still Nini.” He laughed and then she laughed and just like that the moment had passed.

Seulgi watched Exo’s debut stage along with many other trainees wishing it was them on the TV, dancing under all those lights. Seulgi stood in the back of the room feeling incredibly alone.

Once again Seulgi threw herself into her work as she watched everyone around her leave and all her friends fulfilling their dreams on stage. She clung to an older trainee named Joohyun like her lifeline. She was the only one who stayed while everyone else grew tired and left. Seulgi couldn’t afford to make that decision, she had already put her life into this career and she wasn’t going to throw it away.

Gradually, the two girls also began to feel weary and depressed. With no new news of a group debuting, trainees slowly stopped coming to practice and disappeared altogether. It seemed as if everyone Seulgi had ever known had given up and they urged her to do the same.

“I’m not getting any younger Seulgi,” Joohyun cried to her one night as they sat on the floor of the practice room, a place they could call their second home. Seulgi had no way of comforting her, she had no answers, no words of reassurance. The only thing she could do was cry along with her.

She called Jongin in a state of distraught later that evening, “I don’t think I’m gonna debut, Nini.” She wanted to tell him how hard it’s been without him there, but nothing other than choked sobs made it past her lips for the next several minutes. He waited until she settled before speaking, “If there’s one girl in there who deserves to debut, Seul, it’s you. You’re the most talented girl I’ve ever met. “

Seulgi could feel her hand tingling with the memory of Jongin’s fingers tangled in her own. “I can’t tell the future or anything, but I know that someday I’ll see you on stage.” Jongin was far from the best at providing comfort, but as in love as she was, that was all she needed. 

August 1st, 2014 was arguably the most impactful day of Seulgi’s entire existence. She was a jumbled mess of nerves, unable to pinpoint one emotion that was more prominent than the other in her confuddled mind. The girl kept going over the steps in her head and reciting the lyrics until they were the only words running through her mind. She could feel the static energy from her toes all the way up to her ears, causing her to bounce and skitter around.

Looking out into the crowd, the young girl could not fathom how so many people were here to support her and her members, it was surreal, to say the least. She did her best, executing the choreography as she had practiced so many times. She smiled and she choked back tears when they called her name. It was a thrill she could never get enough of and an activity that could brighten her mood in the darkest of times. That feeling would stay with her always.

It was roughly a year later when she ha