She wonders if all trainees feel like this the day before their debut.

Somehow she doubts it. Isn’t debuting supposed to give you an exhilarating feeling? To think that after so many tears, sweat and blood you finally made it?

Then why does she feel so pitiful?

Facing the wall of the practice room, Moonbyul leans against it. She sighs.

Along her life she’s had many dreams. Not all of them came true but a few did, and most were exactly like she expected. This time? Not so much.

Moonbyul knows very well that the idol industry isn’t as good as some believe. It’s actually very dark and she’s learnt it the hard way going from one company to another. But she still had hope. Of finding the right company. Of finding the right members. Something close to a family. There she would give her everything in order to achieve her dreams. The group’s dream. All of them together.

Moonbyul snorts. How naïve could she be?

“Moonbyul. Are you done? We need to go soon.”

With her thoughts interrupted, Moonbyul looks at her manager. He isn’t too bad. A bit cold but nice in general. He’s new and doesn’t want to make any mistake. He still calls them by their stage name, a sign of his lack of familiarity.

“Sure, just give me a few minutes to collect my stuff.”

With a nod he leaves the room, leaving Moonbyul to herself again. She takes a moment to look at her reflection in the mirror they use to practice their dances.

Long auburn hair – now messy thanks to her training -, triangular face and a kinda scrawny body. Would people find any appeal in her? Would she have fans? She questions herself and her skills every day. She is aware she should be more positive, there’s a reason why she is among the selected members. But it seems like that her insecurities follow her everywhere she goes.

On her way to their dorm, looking through the van’s window, she reflects on the past few years. At first she thought she would get over it easily. A few weeks or months and then she would move on, but she finds herself going back to it almost every night.

The worst part is the question that won’t leave her mind. She even dreams about it.

Did she make the right decision?

“So you are telling me to quit singing?”

Moonbyul is too shocked to even feel angry at the words that just left her CEO’s mouth. She can’t believe them.

He purses his lips and in his defense, he looks upset about his words as well. But that doesn’t change the fact that he said them.

“Byulyi… This isn’t easy for us either. We know you passed the audition as a vocalist and you’ve been training as one for a year, but we need to make some changes or this won’t go anywhere…” He rubs his face and sighs. He considers her one of her more gifted trainees and he cares for her. The hurt on the girl’s eyes is evident and it pains him that they had to come to this.

“But… Why me? It’s unfair.” Feeling how her world and future crumbles down, Moonbyul clenches her fists. Tears are pricking at her eyes, but she refuses to cry. For now at least.

“Byulyi, we like you. You have a lot of potential, but we have better singers.” He tries explaining.

And Moonbyul knows too well she isn’t the best. Not when trainees like Wheein, Hyejin or Yongsun exist. But she is too hurt to concede it.

“I can sing in a lower range. I don’t have to be the main vocalist.” Clenching her jaw this time, she looks down, unable to keep looking at the man. “I just want to sing. Don’t take that away from me. Please.” She finally begs, not caring about her pride. Not when her future depends on this.

Both stay in silence for the next few minutes. Moonbyul doesn’t dare looking up, but the pause is giving her some hope. Maybe they’ll give her another chance at being a vocalist, maybe-

“Moon Byulyi.” He starts in a soft but strict tone, not leaving room for discussion.” A rap teacher will wait for you next week. Take it as your chance of debuting, okay? We expect great things from you.” He finishes sincerely, they do value her for real.

He leaves after that, leaving Moonbyul there.

20 minutes later Moonbyul remains at the small room. She feels grateful for the soundproof walls, because this time she is sobbing out loud.

She cancels her contract and leaves RBW the next week.

Serenely, Moonbyul looks at the members of her group, Sunset Girls. It’s corny, not too original and too girly for Moonbyul’s taste, but there are way worse names so she’ll take it.

They are on their way to Music Bank and as usual it’s quite loud inside the van. Seoyeon is singing out loud to the radio, and Jia y Chaewon are bickering about who knows what. Hyeyeon listens to music as she looks through the window and Haneul looks at Moonbyul with a nervous smile.

Haneul is a year younger than Moonbyul, but the company chose her as the leader even though they usually pick the oldest. Back then Moonbyul took it as another failure. Another skill she lacks. But now she welcomes it. Haneul is mature and motherly, perfect for the leader position. And that way Moonbyul doesn’t have to be the most responsible all the time.

Still, the girls look up to her as their senior. Moonbyul is caring by nature, so she doesn’t mind. She has the experience of having small sisters anyway, so it’s like having five more.

“Can you believe we are finally debuting?” Haneul giggles excitedly, as if the idea of debuting is something she never thought was possible. But Moonbyul understands her, nowadays being able to debut is more of a luxury most trainees don’t have.

Moonbyul smiles at the girl, trying not to show how she really feels about the whole ordeal. Today is a very important day for the girls and she won’t be the one to ruin that, even if she can’t feel the same excitement.

“It’s kinda surreal, isn’t it?”

Haneul nods before becoming serious.

“It’s our first and biggest test as a group. We can’t afford any mistakes.”

She usually relies on Moonbyul as her second in command. On one hand Moonbyul feels happy to be considered trustworthy, but on the other hand it just makes her feel ever worse. What would the girls think if they knew what goes through her mind? How she doubts the company and even the members she’s been paired with.

It’s not like they are bad girls. Quite the opposite in fact. They are talented and very nice. They work really hard and almost never complain about anything, even when sometimes they had the right to.

But it’s not the same. They aren’t the same. And Moonbyul can’t help but compare them to what she had. It’s totally unfair and she’s aware, but she can’t stop.

Sometimes when she lies awake at night, Moonbyul wonders if leaving RBW broke something inside her. If she’s beyond repair. Sometimes she sure feels like it.

Snapping out of her thoughts, she looks back to Haneul. Then to the rest of the girls.

Maybe they won’t be the family she wanted, but they are the girls she’ll have next to her for the next seven years if nothing goes wrong. They must make it and that will only happen if they work together.

She’ll try her best.

“Unnie, what are you doing?” Curiously, Chaewon approaches her. Moonbyul spares a glance at their group’s maknae and unconsciously tries to hide the screen of her tablet, but it’s too late. Not noticing her weird behavior, the youngest sits next to her. “Oh, are you watching that group’s debut stage again? What was their name…?”

“Mamamoo.” Moonbyul replies quickly.

“Oh, yeah! I watched it yesterday. They were amazing for rookies, I’m impressed. I wonder if our debut stage will be as good…” After finding a more comfortable position, Chaewon stares at her. “You were a trainee in that company, right? Were you close to them?” She asks innocently, not realizing the meaning that question carries.

Moonbyul clenches her jaw and looks down at the screen in time to see the end of the performance. The three girls look at each other and Moonbyul recognizes easily the feeling behind their faces. Excitement, nerves, worry… but pride overall.

Closing the internet window, Moonbyul locks the tablet and leaves it on the table.

“We barely talked, they were in another group.” She lies easily, as if she hadn’t spent her year in RBW with those three girls. As expected, the maknae believes her right away. Many companies divide their trainees in groups, so it’s not a weird answer.

“Oh, that’s a shame. I was thinking that you could introduce them to us. They seem fun.” Shrugging, Chaewon gets up again when Jia calls her name from another room.

As soon as Chaewon leaves her alone, Moonbyul reaches out for the tablet and opens the video again. She forces herself to watch it a couple times more, even if her heart hurts more every time she does.

Why did she lie to Chaewon? They should start trusting each other. But a part of her wants to keep her days with Mamamoo to herself. Her secret. Her regret.

He