Jessica had been thinking a lot about the end recently.

It must have first hit her when they blew out the candles on a cake that screamed HAPPY 4^TH ANNIVERSARY in pink cream. Jessica could easily imagine a subtitle below in a smaller font: Congrats, the average girl group only lasts 5 years!

In the dimness that the extinguished candles left, Jessica had felt a mixture of relief and dread. SNSD was still going strong, that was for sure. There was an over-flowing cupboard of trophies at the SM building to show for that. Hard-earned trophies. Trophies that artists and fandoms alike shed blood and tears over. And shattered records, bombastic headlines, stadiums filled with adoring screams and waving pink lights. Let them be the proof that SNSD was anything but an average girl group.

But if not five years then for how long? Six? Seven? No. Seven seemed too optimistic. Too fair. Jessica had trained for seven years after all. She had learned that things in life didn’t pay off that perfectly, at least things in the idol life. Practicing a song for weeks and months, for example, just for a couple of four-minute slots rationed to her group – now that sounded more like it. It was part of the cyclical narrative of the business: the stage must keep a busy schedule, because the spotlight was ever in short supply, because the public mind was a fickle thing.

Jessica could picture the years ahead with uncomfortable clarity. They’d churn out albums and sold-out concerts a while longer, get invitations to all kinds of TV shows and commercials, win no. 1 on music shows like everyone expected them to (though probably not for nine consecutive weeks again). There’d be more and more solo activities and subunit activities as time went. She and Taeyeon would produce that duet the fans had been demanding at some point. Maybe the company would feel crazy enough to book them a show at Madison Square Garden or something. And then, timely, just when SNSD was growing old and tiring in the public mind, new girl groups would start to sprout. A few of them would be called ‘The next SNSD’. Jessica had seen the new trainees at SM. Pretty, young, talented things that worked more seriously than she could imagine doing at their age. The future that belonged to them would become the present, and SNSD would become the past. The red herring would come in the form of increasingly frequent interview questions about their plans after SNSD, both in terms of their career and personal life.

Which was where Jessica drew a blank.

She could envision her future perfectly up to that point, but she just couldn’t see past the end.

It was always an abrupt moment when the spotlight switched off. Suddenly, there was no choreography to guide her feet, no scripted lines to vocalise, no invisible strings pulling the corners of her lips up. Jessica could be herself in the dark, and that was when the thoughts came trickling back in.

The nine girls split themselves between two cars to get back to the dorm after the performance. In her car, Jessica sat next to a sleeping Seohyun. Poor girl slept early whenever she could, but that was too much of a luxury during promotional periods. Jessica could not share her negative thoughts with Seohyun anyway. She was the unnie. She would not burden the younger girl, the same way she wouldn’t drag Krystal down with something as stupid as this.

Hyoyeon was riding shotgun and teasing manager oppa constantly about going below the speed limit. The girl never seemed to run out of jokes, and had been in an especially good mood lately. Jessica would hate to put as much as a smudge on her glowing brightness.

Behind her, Taeyeon and Tiffany were sharing the back row of the car. Jessica supposed Tiffany would be a logical choice. She was someone Jessica felt comfortable confiding in when she had a problem, and, as much as they loved the long-running Ddil-Fany joke, Tiffany actually had plenty of good advice. But this time Jessica didn’t exactly have a problem. Nothing bad had happened. No solution to be found. Would Tiffany understand her vague anxieties the same way she was quick to grasp her more concrete troubles? Tiffany seemed too focused on the run to be contemplating the finish line. Tiffany, always with a spark in her eyes, a fire in her voice, and an engine in her legs, might not understand.

Jessica’s eyes caught Taeyeon’s in the rearview mirror then. She realized she had been spacing out, so she wasn’t sure who had started staring at whom first. She tried for a tired smile, and Taeyeon held eye contact for a while before looking out the car window again.

Her pale face was the perfect canvas, and yellow street lights painted it in streaks of sepia. Taeyeon always looked so sad after a performance. Jessica used to think she was hung up on a messed up high note or a missed dance step, but she had observed Taeyeon enough now to know better. The girl didn’t need a reason to be sad, and, for that alone, Jessica felt Taeyeon understood her in the most intimate of ways, even if they didn’t talk so much. Not anymore.

When they reached the building, the four girls in the other car had already gone up. Jessica was following the rest towards the elevator when Taeyeon broke off from the group.

“I’m getting a drink from the vending machine. You guys go ahead up,” Taeyeon explained, and then added, “You want to get something, too, Sica?”

Jessica hesitated, but only for a moment. She doubted she’d be able to sleep any time soon even if she went up anyway.

Jessica pressed the button for hot chrysanthemum tea, and was surprised when Taeyeon went for Coke.

“Whoa. Look at you ruining your voice with that cold drink.”

Taeyeon snorted. The can gave a satisfying hiss as she tugged at the tab. “If this Coke wishes to ruin my voice, it’ll have to compete with our schedule.”

“I’ve missed your passive aggressive humour.”

“Me too. I mean, no. Gosh I really can’t trust my brain at 3 am. I didn’t mean I missed my passive aggressive humour.”

“Yeah?” Jessica laughed, holding the untouched paper cup of tea in her hands. It wasn’t safe to drink around Taeyeon now. Her own 3 am brain found her too hilarious. “What did you mean, then?”

“Well. We haven’t talked in a while.”

“No, we haven’t. The schedule’s been a real .”

Taeyeon hummed in agreement. Sipping her Coke, Taeyeon turned to study the glowing vending machine next to them, her face turning a funny green in the lighting.

“Have I told you I like your new hair?” Jessica’s eyes lingered at the short hair that framed Taeyeon’s oval face perfectly, the bleached ends just touching her shoulders. She would have reached out and touched it, but Taeyeon was a bit too far away from her now.

“Thanks. That’s great to hear. Really. Sooyoung called me a mop-head when I just got it cut.”

“I’m sure she meant a cute mop-head.”

“You’re the best, Sica. Why can’t I have a schedule conflict with Sooyoung instead?”

Jessica laughed again, not missing the way Taeyeon’s returning smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. The girl was obviously still deep in her post-performance blues, but there she was, making Jessica laugh, cheering Jessica up nonetheless.

They spent a quiet minute sipping their respective drinks, just two girls standing a little more than an arm’s length apart in the otherwise deserted lobby of the apartment building. Taeyeon didn’t press her to talk, but Jessica knew Taeyeon was there for a reason other than Coke.

The cup of tea in her hand was half-empty when Jessica spoke. “Taeyeon.”

“Yeah?” The shorter girl looked at her steadily.

“I know it’s a little late in the day – or early – to think about deep stuff, but... have you ever thought about the end of all this? How that would look like?”

“The end of the world? I’ve always been a firm believer in the zombie apocalypse.”

Jessica had to take a step closer to punch Taeyeon on the shoulder.

“No, silly. I mean the end of us. The group.”

Jessica could bring herself to say it because was convinced Taeyeon must have thought about it. Even if she was not the first confidante that came to Jessica’s mind, Jessica believed if anyone could understand her recent fatalistic inclination, it was Taeyeon.

But presently, something unexpected flitted across the eyes looking up at her. Something like panic.

“Why did you ask that?” Taeyeon blinked several times, sleepiness wiped from her face.

“It’s just…” Jessica drew back at Taeyeon’s alarmed reaction. “It’s no big deal. I just randomly thought about it the other day. I tried imagining how it’ll be down the road for all of us. It was more of a thought exercise than anything.”

“What made you think about the group ending in the first place?”

Jessica couldn’t help a sigh. Taeyeon really didn’t understand.

“I didn’t need anything to start thinking about it, Taeyeon. The end’s always been there. It should be impossible not to think about it.”

Taeyeon’s eyes shifted around the room, restless hand picking at the hem of her jacket. Jessica felt bad for troubling her, especially at this hour. Taeyeon might have been too sleep-deprived to be aware of how utterly lost she looked right now.

“Look, Taeyeon, don’t worry about it. I’m just tired today, and it gets harder than usual when you’re tired, you know? Like, I can’t help thinking I’m – we’re – working so hard for something that can’t last. We could reach all the highs during whatever time we’re given, but when time’s up, well, it’s out of our hands. It’s a fact, and it’s not exactly a pleasant one, that’s all.”

“Sica…”

“Seriously, it’s fine. It’s not something I’m expecting to fix. I just needed to get it out of my system. So thank you. For listening.”

Taeyeon opened to speak, but thought better of it and settled for a nod and a tight-lipped smile. Jessica hoped she herself did a better job at forcing a smile back. They made towards the elevator, Jessica chucking her paper cup into the dustbin along the way. The tea had started to develop a bitter taste at the back of .

Jessica hardly caught a wink of sleep that night, trying to forget the panic in Taeyeon’s eyes when she had brought up the end of SNSD.

Jessica didn’t have to avoid Taeyeon. Their schedules continued to make sure they would rarely see each other. When they did, either or both of them would naturally be pre-occupied with something or someone else.

One day, Taeyeon just quit waiting for the perfect opportunity. Taeyeon was late for dance practice due to a personal schedule. When she arrived at the practice room, her usual sling bag on one shoulder and a paper bag in hand, it was in the middle of a water break. Jessica watched as Taeyeon’s eyes searched the room, found Jessica’s reflection in the wall-length mirror first, and then landed on the actual Jessica. Next to her, Yuri perked up and waved hi to the leader. Jessica smiled, despite herself, when Taeyeon just stood fixed to the spot at the door, swinging her paper bag back and forth a few times. Then, resolve set in her face. She flung the sling bag to the floor before making a beeline for Jessica and Yuri.

“You’re late,” Yuri announced once Taeyeon was close enough, “I hope SM is paying you enough for you to settle all your late penalties with Seohyun.”

“I had a schedule. And I thought Seohyun quit that?”

“No idea. No one’s been brave enough to be late and find out. What’s that?” Yuri gestured at the brown paper bag Taeyeon had been holding.

“I got something. For Jessica.” Taeyeon turned then to the girl who had been quiet the whole time. “Hi, Sica.”

“Hi.” Jessica responded, still with a smile. It was easy to smile at Taeyeon, awkward conversation over canned drinks or not.

“Did you get anything for me?” Yuri butted in hopefully.

“Err. Free hug?”

“For real?”

“Actually, no. Keep your hands to yourself.”

“Fine. I’m sick of you anyway.” Yuri rolled her eyes and stood up, making her way across the room to the dance instructor – her not-so-subtle way of giving Taeyeon and Jessica some privacy, bless her heart.

Taeyeon resumed swinging the paper bag again. Jessica counted, one, two, three, four swings, and then Taeyeon finally sat down, her back against the wall, next to Jessica.

“Hi, Sica.”

Jessica chuckled. “Hi, Taeyeon. So, what did you get for me?”

“Make a guess?”

“Drinking yoghurt?”

“What?”

“You know, ‘cuz ‘shake well before drinking’. You’ve been swinging the poor bag since you got here.”

“Oh. I didn’t realise. But no. Not yoghurt.”

“Actually, before we get to the ‘what’. Why did you get me something?”

“Uh, well, congratulations! You are now…” Taeyeon quickly checked her phone. “… twenty-three years, four months, and fifteen days old! There’s no day like today. Sorry I forgot the cake, but I brought the candles.”

Taeyeon dropped the paper bag into Jessica’s lap. Inside, as promised, were candles. A set of three large scented candles cased in vintage white wrapping.

“Wow. They’re really nice. I feel obliged to get you an awesome gift for your twenty-four plus four months celebration now, you weirdo. But, really, thanks. I’ll treasure them.” Jessica meant to nudge Taeyeon’s shoulder with her own, but ended up just pressing her shoulder to Taeyeon’s and staying there. Taeyeon pressed back, so that they were leaning against each other. A moment earlier, Jessica had almost been liquified from the heat after dancing, but right now, the warmth next to her felt nice. Comforting.

“I hope you won’t.”

“Won’t what? Get you a birthday gift in, like, August next year?”

“I mean, I hope you won’t treasure the candles. I hope you’ll burn them.”

Jessica turned to look at her friend and found her looking back. With their shoulders touching, their faces were close. Too close, perhaps, from the perspective of an onlooker. But somehow Jessica felt it was only right, considering the intimate nature of their conversation.

“Candles aren’t made to last forever, Sica,” Taeyeon continued softly, “They’re made to shine, for a little while."

The image of Taeyeon then was the one that made the deepest impression in Jessica’s mind. Light makeup that made her look young and innocent, few strands of the shoulder-length hair sticking to her cheek.She was smiling a genuine smile, and yet her eyes were dark, clouded with something like wistfulness. She looked almost apologetic for having passed on to Jessica a bleak realisation about them both. About all of them.

But Taeyeon's words and present were what Jessica needed, not empty reassurances or false encouragement that showed no true empathy. Jessica burned the first candle in her room that very evening. On and off, the three candles lasted for no more than two months of use. But their light remained with Jessica, on Jessica, like a second skin long after the candles had burnt out. And when Jessica herself blazed, song after song, stage after stage, year after year, she touched the souls of thousands and thousands around the world so that they, too, would have their moments in the flickering light.

It was a light that knew no end.

A/N: Thanks for reading, guys! I really hope I didn't mess this one up. It's my first time tackling Jessica's 'dark side' in a non-AU fic, so I hope I've done her character some justice. And yeah, my fluffy muse seems to have gone missing. Let's hope she's back by the next chapter XD