(Taeyeon's texts are in bold. The other person's texts are not in bold.)

u tried ASMR?

Taeyeon rolled her eyes at her phone screen, although the other person couldn’t see it. She used just one thumb to type out a lazy reply.

totally wasn’t the first thing that came to mind at all

guess I almost killed myself not sleeping for nothing -_-

i see that sacarsm is a side effect of insomnia

*sarcasm

oh gimme a break

this is wut i get for being a helpful freind

*friend

*friend

dammit

Taeyeon laughed. The sound was strange to her own ears, making her wonder when was the last time she had laughed out loud. Her mind drifted to an article she’d read years ago. It was something about how the brains of addicts lost the ability to manufacture “feel-good” chemicals after depending on the synthetic equivalents for so long. Was that why she was like this when she had to work alone, without the members around? She missed the time when she used to be so excited about solo schedules. A CF, photoshoot, a collab with another artiste – each had been both a testament to her desirability as a celebrity and an opportunity to boost this popularity. Now, all she wanted was go home to a full dorm, open the fridge to find Sunny’s beers and Yuri’s fake spiders, and lose sleep to the noisiness rather than the silence.

The vibration in her hand brought Taeyeon’s attention back to her phone.

anyway

if ur done being an by tonite, leader-nim

my fam is going out for bbq

ur invited

Taeyeon stared at the new messages for a while. She wondered if her loneliness was that obvious that Hyoyeon could tell through texts. Hyoyeon’s intention was good, as always, but God knew what an awkward disaster it would be if Taeyeon inserted herself into their family dinner. She barely knew Hyoyeon’s parents beyond “You girls were amazing!” and “Thank you for coming.”.

nah. my only item on today’s agenda is being an . but thanks for the invite.

anytime

hope ur insomnia gets bitter

Taeyeon felt the urge to correct the typo but managed to resist it. After all, Hyoyeon only checked her phone twice per decade and there she was indulging Taeyeon complaining.

thanks Hyo

For the rest of the car ride to the dorm, Taeyeon shut her eyes and tried to immerse herself in the soothing sounds playing from her earphones. Seohyun had shared with her an extensive collection of birds chirping, rain falling, wind howling, and whales droning, promising at least one would work. But, as Taeyeon had found, it never took long before other sounds crept into her head. Her manager’s voice, randomly reciting important schedules and drawing up a timetable that she would never have the discipline to follow. Her mom’s voice, asking her to take care of herself more and stop losing weight. Her stylist’s voice, casually mentioning that dress would look even better if she’d lost some more weight. A generic teen’s voice, acting out YouTube and Naver comments that Taeyeon wished she’d never read. The director’s voice, complete with the echoes of the chilly meeting room, rattling off ideas and visions for more and more projects that never stopped.

Taeyeon pulled the earphones off and almost groaned in frustration. Her eyes opened to gaze distractedly at the blur of the streets outside the car window. Every muscle in her body ached for rest, but it was too crowded in her skull, too loud. Nowadays, the only time when the noise really stopped was when Taeyeon was on stage singing. Or maybe not ‘stopped’, but the carefully arranged noises that streamed from mouths and fingers and speakers were comforting rather than burdensome. Perhaps that was how music originated – just a noise management attempt by ancient people.

“Remember the meeting at 10 tomorrow,” Serious Manager’s voice crackled over the hum of the car engine the moment he saw that her earphones were off, “It’s important, so don’t oversleep.”

Taeyeon raised an eyebrow at him through the rearview mirror. Oversleep? Her? Maybe Serious Manager had a sense of humour after all.

“Are you going to pick up Fany and Seohyun for the meeting as well?” Taeyeon asked.

“I’ll ask if they’d like that. I doubt it, though. Their places are not exactly on the way.”

“So they’re not coming to the dorm tonight, right?”

“No. Technically you guys, as in SNSD, are still on break until Monday. Seohyun’s gonna be with her parents until then, and I believe Tiffany’s staying with a friend in town?”

Taeyeon nodded, her sluggish hands packing up her earphones as she saw the car was approaching the dorm building. It was a mess inside her handbag, but she didn’t have the energy to deal with that right now.

“Jessica’s in, though,” the manager added, as if an afterthought.

Taeyeon paused halfway through zipping her bag.

“Jessica?”

“Yes. That is the name of one of your members.”

Another time, Taeyeon would have chuckled at the matter-of-fact way he said it. But the truth was she hadn’t talked with Jessica for so long it wasn’t funny. There were, once, specific reasons why they didn’t talk much. Conflicting schedules, arguments that were never resolved, words spoken in a moment of anger that could not be forgotten. But, as the months went by, Taeyeon became less and less convinced that it was a particular incident that had put this distance between them. There was just something about Jessica that had started to make Taeyeon feel uncomfortable. The feeling was persistent enough for Taeyeon to find herself avoiding unnecessary interactions with Jessica, but vague enough for her to never quite put a finger on it. All she knew was that the more she dwelled on it, the worse the noise got, and she really couldn’t afford any additional reason to lie awake at night.

Taeyeon said goodbye to the manager when the car arrived outside the dorm building. Walking towards the elevator, she scrolled through the messages on her phone, trying to locate the last time she and Jessica had texted personally, just to see where they’d left off. The conversation was dated over two weeks before, not as long ago as Taeyeon had expected.

acorn jelly?

what?

did you get the wrong number?

were you trying to order jelly through texts or sth?

no.

huh?

Taeyeon?

nvm

Taeyeon wanted to build a time machine just so she could knee kick herself from two weeks ago. In hindsight, there were probably better conversation starters out there than ‘acorn jelly?’. What she’d meant to ask was if Jessica wanted some acorn jelly because Taeyeon was passing by the store. As soon as she’d sent it, however, she’d realised asking just Jessica privately instead of asking the whole SNSD group chat was a little weird. The problem was she’d had no idea how to backtrack and instead made a fool of herself.

As Taeyeon stood lamenting her pitiful social skills, a surprise incoming call almost knocked the phone out of her hand. She did nothing but blink at the caller’s ID for a few seconds.

SICA

What were the odds?

It was ridiculous to feel as nervous as she did about a call from one of her own members. Jessica probably knew she was coming to the dorm and wanted Taeyeon to buy her something on the way. Yeah, that must be it. No big deal.

Entering the elevator, Taeyeon told herself to buck up, steadied her hand, and slided to answer.

“Hello-“

A scream cut her off.

Taeyeon gripped the phone against her ears, blood freezing in her veins. She’d recognise that scream anywhere.

“Jessica, what’s happening?” Taeyeon shakily asked when she had found her voice, “Answer me.”

Another shattering scream was the only reply she got. The elevator door had just closed then, cutting off the signal.

“Jessica? Sica? Sica please? Goddammit.”

Cursing under her breath, Taeyeon pressed the number 6 on the elevator panel repeatedly as if that would speed up her ascent. She was already dialing Jessica’s number when the elevator door dinged open, but Jessica didn’t pick up. Taeyeon didn’t remember her short journey from the elevator to SNSD’s dorm. Before she knew it, she was bursting through the front door, ears thumping, chest heaving, and hand brandishing a… bike pump?

Jessica yelled in alarm at her sudden appearance. Taeyeon’s eyes searched the room for a robber, , or crazy fan. But Jessica was alone, curling up on the couch and hugging a cushion to her chest. The two girls stared at each other in mutual confusion for the longest seven seconds ever recorded in human history, until Taeyeon’s ears registered the generic horror movie music playing on the TV.

The thumping in her ears and chest began to subside. She lowered the bike pump (where the heck did that even come from?) in gradual comprehension. Jessica, unfortunately, did not enjoy the same understanding of the situation and kept staring as if Taeyeon had just opened a portal from another dimension in the middle of their living room.

“What the-What are you doing?”

“Check your phone,” said Taeyeon simply.

After a bit of shuffling around, Jessica found she’d been sitting her phone. She must have seen the recent calls to Taeyeon right away, but confusion still lined deep between her eyebrows. “Sorry about that. I must have accidentally pressed ‘call’ when I sat on the screen. But, what, did my ask you to come to the dorm with a bike pump ASAP?”

“Oh, about that.” Taeyeon gazed down at her weapon of choice. She hadn’t the faintest idea which neighbour of hers was the rightful ower. She didn’t know you could accidentally commit theft to begin with, but hey, you learned something new every day. “Well, no. I only heard, you know…”

Taeyeon shrugged and left the sentence hanging. It took a moment before Jessica’s eyes widened slightly. She looked at Taeyeon then in a way that Taeyeon was not used to being looked at. Being a celebrity meant having eyes on you all the time. But the fans and the press, and even the seniors and juniors and friends, their eyes usually only grazed the surface and saw the strictly visible.

And then there was Jessica.

It all made sense to Taeyeon then, standing in the living room fiddling with the stolen bike pump, why she’d become so uncomfortable with Jessica. She could hide her heart from the world, but, in front of Jessica, she was a transparent as a snow globe, as as a newborn child. It wasn’t fair, because Taeyeon did not consent giving away her every emotion and intention like that, especially on the harders days where she wasn't proud of neither her emotions nor intentions. They weren’t even best friends nor lovers. They were just… Taeyeon and Jessica.

Jessica and Taeyeon.

And to think, just a moment ago, someone could have broken into the dorm and it’d just be Taeyeon left in the world – Taeyeon pushed the thought away before the noise could make her head hurt again. She wobbled to the couch and collapsed onto the end opposite from Jessica. She hadn’t realised how much her legs had been shaking since she’d received the call from Jessica’s phone.

“Why are you even watching this?” Taeyeon grabbed the remote control from the coffee table, just so she would have something to do with her hands. “You hate horror movies.”

“You’re right. I do hate them.”

As Taeyeon flicked through the channels, a memory bubbled up at the back of her mind. Years ago, filming a horror-themed TV show. Dolphin screams and childish whines. Trembling hands clutching to the back of her cardigan and the smell of faux leather filling her nose as she hugged back.

Taeyeon didn’t need to look to know Jessica was still staring at her in that knowing way of hers. And, for once, Taeyeon was grateful for it. She didn’t have to explain the bike pump, because Jessica didn’t ask. She didn’t have to say she missed when they were younger and holding each other to calm their fears seemed like the most natural thing in the world, because Jessica must have known it too

“Come closer, Taeyeon.”

The slightly older girl stopped changing the channels. The screen had landed on a rerun of the weekly Gag Concert show. Experimentally, Taeyeon shifted a few inches towards the centre of the couch.

“A little closer.”

It was another two inches before Taeyeon’s courage ran out. Jessica chuckled softly, but this distance was fine, really. They were close enough that Taeyeon could feel her the warmth radiating off her skin. Jessica was certainly there next to her. No one had broken into their apartment and taken her away.

The remote control slid onto the couch between them as Taeyeon’s hand grew slack. The consuming lethargy told her her body was coming down from the adrenaline rush. The pair watched the comedy show in the quiet darkness of the living room for a minute, before Jessica moved the last two feet so that her and Taeyeon’s arms just touched.

Taeyeon pretended she was already asleep, so she wouldn’t have to explain why she didn’t move away or how her head ended up on Jessica’s shoulder. Not that Jessica would have asked her to explain. She would already know.

What Taeyeon didn’t expect was that she’d actually fall asleep on the couch, after three whole days of barely catching a wink. And it turned out the lullaby she needed sounded like neither music nor rain falling nor birds chirping. It sounded like soft breaths, tinkling laughter, and a delicate voice mimicking the lines from her favourite show.

A/N: Hi guys :) I can't believe it's been half a year since I updated this. School really kicked my . Not my best, but I hope you guys enjoyed it all right. Thanks a lot for reading!