Part 6

“So, what do you want?”

The question was left hanging in the air. Sunghoon was still and expressionless and Jiwon felt himself being mirrored in Sunghoon’s big, open eyes that revealed a certain sadness.

What do I want?

You.

Jiwon imagined a warm body in his arms and a voice that whispered sweet nothings in his ear. He thought of a wide stage, singing arm in arm with a special person while hearing the screams of thousands of fans. They were memories that made his heart soar and made him feel like being on top of the world, shared with the man in front of him who in some ways was very much the same but still so different. He was still beautiful and Jiwon wished for the return of his smile, because he was deserving of the world. A happiness he was supposed to chase after when they’d split but nothing had worked out for them. There were other things on his mind – a happy family, an unreachable happiness… His marriage, his failures. To put it more simply, he was having conflicting thoughts.

And what does he want?

It felt like he’d lost some of his earlier confidence, forgetting how straightforward Sunghoon sometimes was when he wasn’t hiding what he thought. Jiwon hung his head low. At the moment, the words that came out of his mouth were true:

“I don’t know.” The words out of his mouth were awkward and slow and Sunghoon didn’t look impressed. “I really don’t.”

But…

“But, I know what I want to say.”

He stared down at the table. It was the words he had wanted to say, that needed to be said. Words he hadn’t said enough in his life, words that were years late.

“I’m sorry.”

This time, Jiwon looked up at Sunghoon so that he could see the sincerity reflected in Jiwon’s eyes – it was a way to show Sunghoon his heart. He repeated it again with conviction, and it was like he was almost begging.

“Please, just listen to what I’m going to say. I’m sorry. I’ll explain.”

~*~

Sunghoon was looking straight into Jiwon’s eyes, but not really seeing. The words out of Jiwon’s mouth were something he once had dreamed of hearing and would have readily accepted without further explanation. But now… Sorry for what? There were a million things! And there was so much that Sunghoon was sorry for too, things he had been sorry for forever. He had done wrong too.

Sunghoon’s heartbeat quickened and he felt the apprehension creeping into his bones. What was it that he was feeling? His tumultuous feelings had to be showing on his face because Jiwon was frowning. He must have noticed something was wrong, because–

Jiwon reached out and placed his hand on Sunghoon’s. Sunghoon glanced down at their hands, touching for the first time in years. One hand resting on top of the other on the café table, Sunghoon was reminded of those times when they used to hold hands under the table here. Suddenly, he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Jiwon squeezed his hand to get his attention and Sunghoon looked up to meet Jiwon’s earnest look. When Jiwon continued his explaining his apologies, his voice was kind and soft. His eyes never left Sunghoon as he talked.