Warnings: mentions of alcoholism, drugs, expermentation, and extensive self-mutilation

There weren’t many parts of Taek-woon’s childhood that he remembered, not that he would particularly care. The tall skyscrapers and beautiful architecture were supposed to be the highlight of a city like Seoul, but all Taek-woon thought when he saw them was hatred and oppression. His family’s house was in the basement of a rundown apartment building, the heat not always working and the ceiling leaking whenever there was a heavy rain. He hated that he had to wear two pairs of everything during the winter and basically strip during the summer, but it was all his parents could afford. The stench of his parents’ alcohol seeped into every crack of that damned apartment, and the older he got the more Taek-woon realized it was the very reason they were stuck there.

It didn’t take very long for Taek-woon to learn that he would never be able to have any of the fancy things his classmates had, his bag always glaringly dirtier than everyone else’s. His clothes were always a little more worn, his books secondhand found at a local shop, his lunches whatever he was able to find in their barren fridge. He was always incredibly embarrassed, and he hated the laughs and taunts of his peers. It had hurt the first few years of school, his ears red and his face hidden behind his overly long bangs. But after a while he learned that nothing stopped harsh teasing better than fear, and after he punched one boy so hard he lost his two front teeth, he never had to worry about his classmates again.

He knew his classmates hated him, and he was well aware of the disdain his parents held—but none of that mattered.

In the end, the only thing that mattered to Taek-woon was whether or not Moon-hyuk would be able to sneak him into his room that day or not. Moon-hyuk was the ray of sunshine that positively lit up Taek-woon’s whole world, the one silver lining keeping him from straying too far. Moon-hyuk was the only person to not completely give up on him; the only one to always wait with open arms, ready to give him as much reassurance and acceptance that Taek-woon needed. It was for this reason that, while his parents disregard rarely fazed him, and his teachers’ reprimands only made him want to laugh, nothing amounted to the overwhelming guilt that crashed through him whenever Moon-hyuk sighed sadly at him, wordlessly cleaning Taek-woon’s wounds from his most recent fight. It was at times like those that Taek-woon wished he could stop everything and be the sweet, shy boy he knew Moon-hyuk wanted him to be.

Taek-woon glanced over from his seat on the bed, swallowing as he stared shamelessly at Moon-hyuk sitting at his desk, the other focused completely on his homework. There were spots in his memory, black, foggy holes that shrouded the corners of his vision and hid the sharper details out of reach. Things like the date, the color of their clothes, the smell of the room were lost—but Moon-hyuk was still so sharp.

He always was.

Moon-hyuk was pouring over his books in near darkness, the only light coming from his small desk lamp, the strident scratch of his pencil seeming to reverberate off the walls. He the fresh bandages wrapped over his knuckles restlessly, a part of him wanting to call his friend to come sit with him, and yet another part of him knowing he had no right to do so. There was a twinge of frustration alongside the concentration in Moon-hyuk’s brow, an exasperation that only came whenever Taek-woon would stumble through his front door, blood dried on his knuckles and his split lip pulled up into a shaky smile.

He let out a small cough, eyes catching how Moon-hyuk’s pencil froze at the sudden sound. “Moon-hyuk…?” he whispered, wincing when just that was enough to tug at the drying ointment over his split lip.

Moon-hyuk sighed, gently placing his pencil down before running a hand through his hair, fingers catching just so, palm pressing against his brow as he let his gaze flicker over to Taek-woon. Taek-woon was not embarrassed to admit how striking his friend looked in that moment, the small desk light casting an almost ethereal glow that only sharpened his features, his gaze only that much stronger. Though he would never admit how his stomach twisted at the sight of that gaze on him, his mouth going dry. “Taek-woon, why do you always do this to me?”

“…I don’t mean to.”

Moon-hyuk let out a small, disbelieving laugh. “You expect me to believe that, at this point? Do you know how worried you make me? I’m always scared one day you’re not going to come back, and I’ll get a phone call one day saying you’re in the hospital or something.”

Taek-woon scoffed, looking out the window as he picked mindlessly at his bandages. “Like that’d ever happen.” He flinched when he heard the sound of a chair scraping against the cheap wood flooring, and he glanced over to see Moon-hyuk standing up, expression hidden as he silently made his way over to the bed. Taek-woon instinctively scooted over, motions hesitant as Moon-hyuk sat down with another soft sigh, shoulders slumped. He raised his chin at the following silence, knowing the other was going to lecture him, and felt his bandages cut into his skin from how tightly he clenched his fists. “Look-”

“Taek-woon.” Taek-woon snapped his mouth shut at the gentle tone, blinking confusedly when Moon-hyuk reached out and carefully held his hand. “I’m not going to scold you; I know you’ll just ignore everything I say.” Taek-woon couldn’t stop the snicker at the playful exasperation in the other’s tone, and a quick glance showed Moon-hyuk smiling along with him. “You’re a little , but you’re my little . As much as I’d love to lock you in your room and force you to study until your grades were perfect, I know better.”

Taek-woon rolled his eyes good-naturedly, shoving his hands away with a small smile threatening to break out on his face. “I don’t know why you study so much. School is ing .”

“Watch your mouth,” Moon-hyuk quipped, half-heartedly slapping Taek-woon upside the head before carefully adjusting himself so his back could lean against the wall. The room was cold, Moon-hyuk’s parents refusing to turn on the heat unless the soju in the fridge froze. Both of them were swathed in large hoodies and multiple pairs of pants, but even then, Moon-hyuk silently reached over to cover both of their legs with blankets, pressing himself close to Taek-woon for warmth. Taek-woon pressed back, his lips pursed tight while his heartbeat soared. Moon-hyuk tilted his head back to stare at a crack in the ceiling.

“School is the only way out of this place,” Moon-hyuk whispered, tone quiet as if afraid the darkness hanging at the corners of the room would take them away and release them to the world. Taek-woon peeked over to see Moon-hyuk’s gaze grow hollow, the threat of hopelessness creeping into his eyes and shrouding his normally sunny face with dread. “My parents, your parents, that couple that lives down the hall…they’re all the same. Everyone here is the same. They can’t afford to get out, and end up falling down the same hole as the others. Alcohol, drugs—it’s all the same. But I—I don’t want to end up like that.” He turned his head ever so slightly, just a tilt of his chin, but his eyes suddenly met Taek-woon’s, a fierce determination burning away the desperation.

“If I study hard enough, I can get a scholarship and go to a university—a good university. I can graduate, get a good job, and move out of here and never look back. I could escape, Taek-woon.”

Taek-woon could only stare wordlessly as Moon-hyuk spoke, unable to figure out how to react at the sheer intensity of Moon-hyuk’s words. At the absolute conviction. Moon-hyuk had always been the perfect student and child, never acting out despite being surrounded by neighborhood kids that went around stealing for fun and sneaking cigarette breaks after school. Moon-hyuk would spend all his time doing homework and studying for tests, sometimes coming to Taek-woon’s room when his parents were too loud, too drunk. Taek-woon had always for being so studious, for being such a nerd—but it never occurred to him that it was because he was trying to leave.

Taek-woon was definitely one of those kids that got in trouble for fun, but he liked to think he was better than them because he at least had Moon-hyuk to turn to when things got too much. But if Moon-hyuk left to study, left with no plan to ever come back…where would that leave him?

Hurt reared its ugly head as he instinctively lashed out, shoving him away and scrambling off the bed so fast he nearly tripped from where his feet were tangled in the blankets. Moon-hyuk yelped at his sudden movements, calling out his name confusedly, but Taek-woon refused to listen. He screamed words he shouldn’t have, purposefully said things he knew would hurt, and stormed out before the tears that were close to falling could escape. He didn’t want to admit how terrified the idea of Moon-hyuk leaving left him, how scared he was that Moon-hyuk could, and would, abandon him for a better life.

He had foolishly believed that Moon-hyuk would always be by his side, that Moon-hyuk would always be there to bandage him up after getting in another stupid fight. He didn’t need to study, hell, he probably didn’t even need to finish high school because in the end, Moon-hyuk would be there to shake his head exasperatedly, scold him while at the same time taking him in with a simple hug. What reason did he have to try when he had Moon-hyuk? But reality was cruel, and it was so painful to realize that Moon-hyuk had obviously not felt the same. To him, Taek-woon was just the annoying neighbor kid that got into fights and crawled back to get first-aid, an annoyance that only got in the way of his studies.

He spent that night burrowed under his covers, hot tears searing his cheeks.

But he was a kid that was unfortunately simple at heart, and it was barely a day before he was knocking on Moon-hyuk’s door, stubbornly hiding his tears as he held up bloodied fists and sporting a fresh black eye. And Moon-hyuk, the perfect student and child that he was, took him in, bandaging him up and pressing an ice pack to his eye.

They never brought up that night again, Taek-woon pretending to be perfectly okay as he quizzed Moon-hyuk before his exams, staying out of fights so the other could focus on his studies. He still didn’t do his own homework, and he usually skipped when it came to his own exams, but he loyally spread himself out on Moon-hyuk’s bed for company as the other spent the days away at his desk. He listened with a hardened mask every time Moon-hyuk showed him his perfect scores, face glowing and smiles breathless as he mentioned his intentions to send in his university applications. He pretended to be perfectly fine, shrugging nonchalantly as he offered to sit by Moon-hyuk’s side when the latter opened his email, faking an annoyed smile when Moon-hyuk jumped on him in a tearful hug. He pretended, pretended pretended pretended—until he couldn’t anymore, when he stepped into Moon-hyuk’s room and realized it was empty.

Time seemed to fly by in a blur after Moon-hyuk started university, and whether that was because of his patchy memory or because he really was that lost, he didn’t know. All of a sudden, his parents drunken fights were so much louder, more frequent, and he no longer had anywhere to run to. All of a sudden, his teachers’ exasperated lectures were too much, words so annoying and harsh as they berated him for even coming when he had no intention to study. All of a sudden, sitting in his freezing room with no heat and wearing two layers of clothing was too much, with not even the respite of running through the graffitied streets of his neighborhood relieving any of the pressure. It just built and built, and not even a hard punch to the jaw or a kick to the ribs was able to help.

Moon-hyuk tried to keep in touch, at first. He would call Taek-woon once a week, check up on him and tell him all about university life. Taek-woon was so grateful at first, desperate to hear his voice and remember that the other still cared about him. Of course, he would leave out his struggles, just tell him gruffly he was doing just fine. It was easier that way, Moon-hyuk lavishing him with praises about how good he was, how proud he was that Taek-woon was staying out of trouble and at least trying in school. With how little he was able to hear from him, Taek-woon would never dare tell him anything that could possibly upset him or make him stop calling.

But gradually, his calls became more sporadic, each following call starting with numerous apologies and excuses for why he was so late. He had to study late, classes were hard, exams were coming up—eventually they began repeating so often that Taek-woon was convinced Moon-hyuk was lying to cover up the fact that he just straight up forgot to call. And Taek-woon, like the kid he was, was too proud and scared to call on his own, refusing to show just how fast he was falling. With each week that passed without so much as a text, Taek-woon rushed through the streets, desperate to find someone to piss off, to punch him so hard he out until the following morning. To help time go by faster and he didn’t have to think about Moon-hyuk forgetting about him.

It was nearly half a year later when he had his first high. He didn’t remember where he got it, or how, but his memory showed him very clearly sitting amongst a group of haggard men, all of them sprawled out in a disgusting alleyway in various stages of bad trips. The first time was terrible, vomiting all over the man next to him and getting a punch to the stomach for his troubles—but after that was blissful. Just a little shot here, a prick there, and he was suddenly so warm and safe, all the pressure and nerves that wracked through him bubbling away until he was floating on the sweetest of clouds. Moon-hyuk and his forgotten calls; who needed those when one hit could overwhelm him with more happiness and warmth than any of Moon-hyuk’s smiles or hugs could? And who cared about the horrible aftermath that followed the next morning; that’s what alcohol and a good nap was for.

He stopped going to school, hanging out with whichever stranger invited him in, taking what he could and running when they demanded payment. It was dangerous; people never took too kindly to taking or using their drugs without paying something in return, but the thrill of the chase and the growing need to take more kept him going. Something in the back of his mind, a voice that sounded annoyingly similar to Moon-hyuk told him he was killing himself, that he couldn’t do this forever, but it was almost too easy to block it out. Why did it matter? Only someone as perfectly studious as Moon-hyuk could escape this hellhole. There was no way in hell a delinquent like Taek-woon could; so why try when this was so much better?

He didn’t know how much time passed when he cracked his eyes open, in his own room for once, to see Moon-hyuk staring down at him with a haunted expression. A mixture of pure horror and grief, disbelief clouding his features. Taek-woon squinted at him, rubbing his eye; he almost didn’t recognize him. Hair stylishly cut and face clean-shaven, clothes fashionable and clearly expensive; he looked nothing like the scruffy high school student that spent his days at his desk, asking Taek-woon to quiz him for his upcoming test. He looked like an adult, and not the adults Taek-woon hung out with.

A real adult.

“Taek-woon…” Moon-hyuk whispered, eyes horrified as they ran over Taek-woon’s frail body. Taek-woon didn’t say anything, agitatedly adjusting his blankets to try and hide the shriveled bruises that showed where he had last taken a hit. But Moon-hyuk had already seen, and the disappointment in his eyes was enough to send Taek-woon on guard, hackles rising.

“Shut up. I don’t need to hear from you.”

Moon-hyuk was obviously caught off-guard by his aggressive attitude, Taek-woon never speaking so hostilely towards him. Eyes never leaving Taek-woon, he slowly reached over and grabbed the chair from Taek-woon’s desk, ignoring how heavily it was caked in dust. He pulled the chair next to the bed, his eyes so incredibly sad as he lowered himself down. “Taek-woon ah…” he whispered, lips pursing when his attempt to hold his hand was quickly rebuffed. He took a steadying breath, the sound wet. “Taek-woon…”

“How did you get in here? Why are you here? Don’t you have some super important test to be studying for?” The pure vitriol in his voice had Moon-hyuk flinching back, but Taek-woon didn’t care. Some part of him cheered at the sight, taking delight in seeing the once untouchable Moon-hyuk actually hurting when that was all Taek-woon seemed capable of feeling. Despite every passing second feeling like he was going to either hurl or black out, he forced himself to sit up, scooting away until his back was safely pressed against the wall. It was fall outside (or spring?) and for once the room wasn’t too hot or cold, safe enough he could keep the thin blanket draped over his body without giving too much away.

“I have a couple weeks before the new semester starts,” Moon-hyuk said quietly, eyes so sad and staring so openly at him that Taek-woon had to look away. “I wanted to come visit and see how you were doing. It’s been a while since we last talked…”

“And why do you think that is?” he snapped back, hurt and embarrassment taking control of him. “You’re the one too good to come back.” His stomach rolled and his fingers starting twitching, little ticks he’d come to associate with need. As bitter as he was, as angry as he was, he was still that kid that wanted Moon-hyuk to forgive him, to call his name and promise that everything will somehow be alright. He watched as Moon-hyuk took a slow breath, a hand running through his hair before he leaned forward, hands clasped together and shoulders drawn tight.

“Taek-woon, I…I know you’re hurt. I know I hurt you, but I never realized…I didn’t know you would end up like this.”

“Like what?” he snarled.

“Like them.” Taek-woon felt all the words bubbling in his chest fizzle out at those two simple words, his weak body ready to betray him as hot tears welled in his eyes. But Moon-hyuk could tell, could always tell, and jumped off the chair to climb onto the bed, movements rough as he scrambled under the covers and pressed himself impossibly close. He could tell Moon-hyuk was trying to be just like before, kind and intimate, but it was impossible. The unspoken warmth that had been between them, the one that allowed Moon-hyuk to casually hold his hand, nudge his shoulder and endlessly, was gone. In its wake was unbearable awkwardness, Moon-hyuk warm beside him but too afraid to touch, his hand hovering over his thigh but too afraid to cross the barrier and take Taek-woon’s.

In the end, Moon-hyuk just fisted a handful of the blanket.

“I was so focused on running away,” Moon-hyuk said softly. “I just wanted to get out and never look back. And university is just so…so amazing. Surrounded by people that want to learn and know just as much as me, that actually want to get to know me, it was just so much. There was so much to do and see—it was so easy to just forget everything. But, I never—I never meant to forget you, Taek-woon. You were the shining star in my life, the one thing to keep me motivated. I always felt so guilty when I realized how much time had gone by since I last called, and I could tell from your voice how angry you were at me.

“I tried telling myself that you were fine, that your promises of going to school and staying out of fights were real. I should’ve known you’d been lying, your skinny could never back down from a fight even if your life depended on it.” Taek-woon let out a small scoff, cheeks flushed, and Moon-hyuk finally smiled. Taek-woon realized that at some point, Moon-hyuk had gotten his teeth fixed, his smile so pearly white. “But I really am sorry Taek-woon ah. For not checking up on you more often, for not being there when you needed it.”

He reached out and grabbed Taek-woon’s hand. Taek-woon stared down at their hands, noticing how much had changed. Moon-hyuk’s skin was so soft, lotioned and groomed so that even his nails were kept. Meanwhile, his own skin was flaky and covered in wrinkled rashes, malnourished from his diet of alcohol and whatever he managed to find in the fridge. “It…it’s not all your fault,” he murmured, looking away. “I didn’t mean to get as bad as I did…I started drinking when there was nothing else to do. The drugs…they helped me not think.”

Moon-hyuk whimpered at that, squeezing his hand. “I know you don’t think so, but you’re so much better than this place. I know you are. You’re smart, even though you skip class and sleep during exams. You don’t deserve to be stuck here with the rest of them, drinking and chasing highs that will eventually get you killed.”

Taek-woon shrugged. “I don’t really care. It’s not like I have a real plan or anything.” I’m just waiting to die.

What a morbid thought.

“Taek-woon.” Taek-woon looked up at the suddenly harsh, loud tone of his voice, blinking when he realized how serious the other was. Moon-hyuk’s hands shook. “Come live with me.” When Taek-woon did nothing but stare, thrown off and confused, everything tumbled out. “My apartment isn’t the biggest, but there’s room. My scholarship pays for tuition and rent; I can easily let you stay with me. I can help you finish school and maybe you’ll even be able to start university. You have no idea how big the world is outside this hole; there’s so much for you to see and do if you just leave—please. Please, Taek-woon ah.”

“I…” Taek-woon shook his head. “There’s no point, Moon-hyuk. I’ve already ed up enough. I dropped out of school months ago.”

“But still, I can help you get your GED, there’s still a way-”

“I’m not you.”

He ignored Moon-hyuk’s pleas after that, kept himself at a distance until Moon-hyuk eventually left, expression upset and eyes sad. But that was all Moon-hyuk ever did. Look sad and say words that only held empty promises, never more than that.

It only took a couple months before Moon-hyuk’s insistent calls began to dwindle again, exams supposedly coming up and taking all his time. And it wasn’t long before Taek-woon’s tumultuous lifestyle caught up to him, the most recent stranger he hit up with beating him near dead after he refused to pay. He remembered lying out on the cold sidewalk, staring up at the polluted night sky of Seoul, mind hazy and body unnaturally warm as blood seeped out of him, skin prickling as the drugs tried to take him to his warm, safe haven. He remembered gasping for air around the blood that clogged his throat, attempting to focus on the streetlight above him and noticing how the light skewed against the fog.

And the next thing he knew he was blinking up into the harsh light of the hospital overhead, Moon-hyuk beside him and looking very well near a panic attack. He had been discovered near-dead by a kind passerby, rushed to the hospital and taken to immediate surgery for a punctured lung. It was a miracle he survived. Moon-hyuk had been the only number in his phone to answer, his parents hanging up the moment they heard the mention of police.

Moon-hyuk had been hysterical then, sobbing uncontrollably as he loudly berated Taek-woon, his words and volatile emotions overwhelming him. He cursed Taek-woon for allowing himself to get this bad, for rushing to his death without a second thought, without thinking about how Moon-hyuk would feel. Between curses he would pepper Taek-woon’s cold hands with kisses, so grateful he was okay and how terrified he’d been when he’d gotten a call that Taek-woon was in surgery and very possibly wouldn’t make it out alive. But in the end, once they’d gotten the all-clear that Taek-woon could be discharged, did Moon-hyuk demand that Taek-woon move in with him. There was no choice this time, and really, Taek-woon didn’t dare turn away a second time. Coming so close to death and seeing how terrified it made Moon-hyuk; it really did a number on him.

His parents never called after he left; he never heard from them again.

Moon-hyuk kept true to his word—almost immediately after moving in, he enrolled Taek-woon in online classes as well as a local rehab program. Taek-woon really didn’t have many expectations for any of it, but he obediently followed along when Moon-hyuk made it a point to walk with him, dropping him off with a wave and picking him up with a hug. There were times when it was especially hard, days where his body would shake and sweat would shine over his skin from how badly his body needed, desperate for the warmth and diversion the alcohol and drugs had given him. There were times, usually when Moon-hyuk was especially busy or had to stay late at the library to study, that Taek-woon tried sneaking in a beer, just one, to relieve some of the pressure. To indulge just once.

But he could never have just one. One turned to two, which turned to five, and the next thing he remembered was opening his eyes to Moon-hyuk sitting beside him, usually on the floor, with tears and regret in his eyes. Taek-woon usually felt guilty on those days, knowing Moon-hyuk really did want him to get better, but it was just so hard. Even the counselor at the rehab center had mentioned how difficult it would be for Taek-woon to ever truly be clean, Taek-woon somehow managing to completely ruin his body in the short year after Moon-hyuk left. She told him that unless Moon-hyuk managed him all day, every day, relapses would more than likely be a constant for the rest of his life.

But Moon-hyuk couldn’t be there for him forever. There was always an upcoming exam, always a friend or classmate that wanted to go out for a coffee or study session. Moon-hyuk couldn’t put his life on hold just to watch over Taek-woon like a disappointed parent. And even though Taek-woon wanted to make Moon-hyuk proud, to finish his GED and cut all his addictions forever, it only took one slip. One mistake, and everything came tumbling down again.

It took years for him to finally find his foothold, to finally manage to finish the last of his classes to get his stupid GED. By then, Moon-hyuk was in his last year of university, busier than ever but still by Taek-woon’s side, a steady constant that kept him afloat. While alcohol was still a constant, the seedier parts of the city calling him and tempting him with a hit here and there, he began to slowly flourish. Nourished with a healthy diet and proper care, his body began to fill out until his ribs were no longer visible, the only noticeable damage being some scars from his darker days, residual twitches in his fingers that Moon-hyuk lovingly nicknamed ‘Taek-woonie wiggles’. His skin actually began to glow as brightly as Moon-hyuk’s, soft and plush, and Moon-hyuk began to invite him to his study sessions, proudly showing him off to his friends and letting him listen.

Moon-hyuk eventually helped him get a part-time job at a convenience store near his university, purposefully stopping by on his way to class to embarrass him in front of other customers by wishing him a loud good morning. Taek-woon, of course, would scowl and hiss out curses with burning cheeks, but he could never deny how his heart fluttered in his chest, smiling widely hours after the other had long left.

Those times were his happiest. They were so simple, a calming routine that left him with nothing but nostalgia and a lowly resounding feel of wistfulness. Taek-woon was able to made a decent amount of money, crisp bills placed in his hand at the end of every month, the chill of the spring air unable to stop his smile. Moon-hyuk refused to let him pay any rent, wanting him to save up to eventually go to university or something. Taek-woon honestly had no intention of ever doing that, and instead spent all his money buying surprise take-out on days Moon-hyuk came home early. Or buying one of those really syrupy coffees that Moon-hyuk liked and waiting outside the lecture hall that he definitely didn’t memorize. There were nights when the two of them stuffed their faces with cheap fried chicken while watching some random movie Moon-hyuk picked out. Nights where Moon-hyuk would actually skip out on his study session, lovingly pressing a wet cloth to Taek-woon’s sweaty skin on one of Taek-woon’s bad days.

As rough as those times were, that short time—it was his happiest.

After that; everything paled in comparison.

“Jung Moon-hyuk, am I right?” Moon-hyuk broke out of Taek-woon’s tight hug to turn to the sharply dressed man behind them. The whole area was full of cheering graduates, Moon-hyuk dressed in the graduation gown, smile never leaving his face as he had taken the stage as top of his class. While never one for formal occasions, Taek-woon had forced himself into the first row, ignoring all the disapproving, judgmental stares. Moon-hyuk’s family never showed up for his graduation, and Taek-woon would always be the first to declare himself the only family he needed.

It was after the ceremony had finished, Taek-woon only just able to grab Moon-hyuk for a hug, when the stranger approached them. There was nothing about the man that appeared strange, his demeanor friendly despite how confidently he held himself, eyes crinkled with age and hair thinning. He smiled when Moon-hyuk greeted him, shaking Moon-hyuk’s hand with those crinkling eyes. Taek-woon silently wrapped himself around Moon-hyuk’s back, staring down over the other’s shoulder, ready to attack in case the older man tried anything. He hadn’t really met anyone dangerous since moving in with Moon-hyuk, but old habits die hard and every cell in his body was ready to pounce the second anything even remotely fishy happened.

“Oh my, where are my manners? My name is Lee Yong-san, I work for a government sector of the Ministry of Science and Development. We’ve been observing the work of all the top students in the country, and we were especially interested in you.” Purposefully vague, giving nothing too revealing away while appearing to be incredibly important. Two kids from a broken neighborhood of Seoul, of course it would never cross their minds that something so important sounding could be bad. Moon-hyuk’s eyes widened in awe at the man’s words, hurriedly sending a shocked glance at Taek-woon before stumbling over himself to answer.

“M-me?”

The man chuckled, seeming so open and pleasant. “Of course! Your grades were some of the top in the country, and the work you did for your thesis caught our eye.” He paused to give a knowing smile to Taek-woon, having noticed the latter’s confused frown. “Ah, it seems your friend here didn’t realize how smart you are. Prosthetics and human enhancements are the way of the future, and Moon-hyuk’s research had some of the most innovative views I’ve seen in a long time. Your friend is incredibly smart.”

Moon-hyuk’s entire face was red at the exuberant praise, and he hurriedly turned to ruffle Taek-woon’s hair. “What’s that look for? I told you I had to study; did you think it was all for fun?” Taek-woon shoved him back with an embarrassed pout, never about to admit the many times he had assumed Moon-hyuk had just used the excuse of studying to blow him off. It never occurred to him that he really had been that busy. Or worked that hard because he was that smart.

“Others in my team and I are recruiting young, bright students like yourself into a program we’ve been developing over the last couple years. The details will come later, but the main focus of the program would be in prosthetics and the study of more advanced models that could hopefully, one day, be open to the public. I can’t give out more information than that at the moment, but I can assure you the benefits you would receive would be incredible. You would never have to worry about a job or money in the future, as I’m sure you know about the job security that comes with a government position.” Moon-hyuk had gone stock-still at this point, mouth close to hanging open while his hand secretly reached back to crush Taek-woon’s.

“R-really? You’re offering me a position? J-just like that?”

The man chuckled, so friendly and kind. “I know, I know, it probably seems like a dream. I’m aware of the job market out there for you kids; it’s a tough time out there. But you’re incredibly bright, young man, and neither you nor I should let such talents go to waste. Nor do I personally want to give the chance to anyone else to snatch you up! You don’t have to answer me right away, I know you probably just want to celebrate. But here’s my business card, just give me a call when you’ve made up your mind.”

Moon-hyuk bowed deeply as he accepted the card, even forcing Taek-woon to bow as well. The man laughed at the two of them before leaving, smiling that big smile and wishing him congratulations. Moon-hyuk waited until the man was long gone before he jumped on Taek-woon in the biggest hug, laughing breathlessly as he crushed the card in his hand as if afraid it would disappear.

“Did you hear that Taek-woonie? Did that really happen? Taek-woon, this is—this is amazing!” He shook Taek-woon as he bounced on his feet, eyes sparkling as he stared down at the card. “I—I never imagined something like this could happen to me—to us. Taek-woon,” he looked up, meeting Taek-woon’s eye, “we did it.”

It didn’t take Moon-hyuk long to call back, Taek-woon holding his hand as he all but gushed out his willingness to accept the offer. After that, it was like a whirlwind of change, the two of them whisked away to a swanky two-bedroom apartment in the middle of Gangnam. Neither of them had ever set foot anywhere so expensive before in their lives, Moon-hyuk’s university apartment suddenly seeming so small. They both spent many nights staring out the giant windows, mesmerized by the thrum of the city and a horizon that never seemed to end. Moon-hyuk held his hand one of those nights, tears in his eyes as he whispered how unreal everything was, how far they’d come. Taek-woon felt slightly guilty that he really hadn’t done anything to deserve being here, but squeezed his hand back anyway.

Moon-hyuk positively glowed on his first day, dressed in the nicest clothes he owned and his hair combed through with some hair gel he picked up from a nearby convenience store. He’d paused by the door to give a little twirl, teeth sparkling as he asked Taek-woon if he looked alright. Taek-woon’s whole face flushed as he stuttered out a small ‘yeah’, flinching when Moon-hyuk only ruffled his hair with a snicker, waving a cheerful goodbye. When he came home later that night, he was nearly breathless with how much he went on, telling Taek-woon everything he’d seen and heard. Taek-woon really didn’t understand anything Moon-hyuk said, it all sounding way too fancy and smart for him, but he pretended to listen and nodded all the same.

Days faded into weeks much the same, Moon-hyuk going to work with a smile and leaving Taek-woon to wallow away in the enormous apartment. He’d been told he could go out and explore, but the one time he did left him feeling unbearably exposed, so dirty and used amongst the people that walked the streets.

But as weeks turned to months, he began to notice a change. It was subtle at first. Moon-hyuk came home looking more and more tired, his sunny smile growing duller with each day. He stopped telling Taek-woon about his work. His attempts to get Taek-woon out of the house, to go out and explore or maybe even get a job, stopped. Things that used to just get an exasperated shake of the head were soon replaced with harsh words, Taek-woon once accidentally dropping a plate and Moon-hyuk whirling around with the angriest glare he’d ever seen, ripping into him for being so clumsy. Taek-woon was hurt, and confused, but tried to tell himself Moon-hyuk was just stressed, that he would never mean the things he said.

“Taek-woon, why are you so loud? I’m trying to sleep here, turn the TV off.”

“ing hell, Taek-woon. What are you doing, standing there like that? Either go to bed or get out.”

“, Taek-woon! Stop shaking your hands like that! Don’t you realize how irritating it is?”

Of course, each outburst was followed by tight hugs and fervent apologizes, but there had to be a ring of truth to the words if they came out every time he did something wrong. He wanted to be understanding, tried to forgive when he saw how tired Moon-hyuk was, but he was never one to silently take abuse. Not when he had two fists and a deadly aim. All it took was Moon-hyuk to slap him upside the head, the mumble of ‘useless’ under his breath, and Taek-woon’s fists were flying, landing a solid punch to Moon-hyuk’s face. Both he and Moon-hyuk were shocked silent, Taek-woon staring wide-eyed at the blood that slowly trickled from Moon-hyuk’s lip, cheek already swelling, and he shot out the door before Moon-hyuk could say anything.

The sun had long set, and as he ran with his heart racing and blood pounding in his ears, he was suddenly transported back to the graffitied streets of his old neighborhood. He wasted no time throwing down the little money he had in his pockets to buy cheap beer, not even making it past the next alleyway before he was crouching down and inhaling the whole pack. It was a hot summer night, and the familiar thrum of alcohol in his veins was like a comforting embrace. His vision wavered, his breath labored, but he felt more at home than he ever had in years. He didn’t remember where he went, or what he did, stumbling through the streets until he started seeing people that looked more like him. Intimate touches, strong hands, hot lips; he didn’t know who or what happened, but it was when he felt the sharp prick of a needle and euphoria exploding in his body that he truly felt at home.

He woke up in the hospital, Moon-hyuk by his side crying, and a sense of déjà vu washed over him. How many times would this happen, Taek-woon stupidly running off and ing himself up and leaving Moon-hyuk to pick up the pieces?

“I’m so sorry, Taek-woonie,” Moon-hyuk whimpered brokenly, his cheek bright purple as he clung to Taek-woon’s hand. “It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have hit you or called you useless. I’m so sorry.”

Taek-woon felt like he’d been hit by a truck, but he still turned his head to stare at his friend, blinking slowly. “Not…useless…”

Moon-hyuk fiercely shook his head. “No, you’re not. Don’t ever think that about yourself. Work is so stressful, but I should never have taken that out on you. You’re wonderful and so smart, the last thing anyone should ever say about you is you’re useless.”

“Is work that bad…?”

Moon-hyuk hesitated, eyes dulling in that way they did whenever Taek-woon asked about his day. “It’s…hard. I’m still new, and learning; there are a lot of things happening that I can’t do anything about. It can be too much, sometimes.”

Taek-woon his lips, his mouth was always so dry after a bad night. “Maybe you should quit? We can go back—I can pick up a side job and we can-”

“NO,” Moon-hyuk interrupted harshly, his hand crushing Taek-woon’s. Taek-woon’s startled expression must have surprised him, his face flushing as he quickly loosened his grip. “I mean, I can’t leave. They moved us into the nicest apartment we’ve ever seen, and they pay for all the rent and food. It would be a waste to leave when the pay is so nice. I mean, think about it. With this job, you don’t have to worry about going to university anymore, or even taking some small job. You can relax and be happy at home. Isn’t that nice?”

“But you’re having a hard time. It’s not worth it. I’m not as smart as you, but I’m sure I can find something.”

“I said no, Taek-woon.”

That was the end of that conversation, and not another word was said as Moon-hyuk signed for him to be discharged, the two of them heading home in silence.

Nothing changed after they went home, Moon-hyuk still growing more and more tired and angry. Taek-woon still in the apartment with firm instructions not to go out again. It wasn’t long before Moon-hyuk began to head into work before Taek-woon even woke up, most nights falling asleep long before he returned home. It frustrated him, frustrated and scared him, how badly Moon-hyuk was changing because of this job. He wanted to help, get him out and go back home where everything was happy and easy. But he learned quickly not to mention quitting again, each time Moon-hyuk fidgety and angry at the mere idea.

It all came to a head one night, Taek-woon, fed up, having gone out and buying a six pack of beer and bringing it back to drink. He wanted that release, that warm escape that only the thick cloud of alcohol could give. He remembered thinking that Moon-hyuk probably wouldn’t even notice he’d drank, and if he did, he’d just be happy he did at home with no chance of ending up in the hospital. He was well into his sixth beer, loopy and content on the floor as he traced the dusty patterns in the ceiling with his eyes when the front door opened, Moon-hyuk nearly tripping inside. Taek-woon was much too happy in his fuzzy bubble to notice the sheer panic in the other’s eyes, waving giddily as he welcomed him home.

“Hey Moon-hyukkie,” he called out. He didn’t notice how frazzled the other appeared, nor how the other’s heart sank at the sight of the empty beer cans scattered across the floor.

“Taek-woon ah…” Moon-hyuk walked over to him, each step slow and shaky, “…did you drink?”

“Yeah. I was feeling really shaky, I needed something to keep me warm.” He grinned up at him, feeling so light and free. , he’d forgotten how great alcohol always made him. It made the terrible hangovers worth it.

Moon-hyuk stared at him for a long time, standing so still that Taek-woon’s fuzzy brain started wondering if he was actually a statue. He lifted the near empty can to his lips when Moon-hyuk’s hand shot out, falling to his knees and ripping the can away. Before Taek-woon had a chance to snap at him, instant anger flaring through him, Moon-hyuk gushed out, “Let’s run away, Taek-woon. Now.”

“Now?” He frowned. He was so happy and loopy right now. He didn’t feel like going anywhere.

“Yes. Right now. Go get a bag and grab as much as you can. Whatever you don’t need, leave it.” When Taek-woon just blinked at him, Moon-hyuk shoved him hard. “Now, Taek-woon. I’ll give you five minutes.” Taek-woon’s body felt like lead, heavy and slow, but he did as told, stumbling to his room and grabbing the biggest bag he could find. His hands were shaking as he grabbed all his miniscule belongings, fingers jittery and eyes fuzzy; at some point Moon-hyuk shoved him aside and finished for him. Taek-woon tried asking him what happened, why they were suddenly running away when the pay was supposed to be so good, but Moon-hyuk was silent. Silent and terrified out of his mind.

“Listen to me, Taek-woon,” Moon-hyuk whispered, their entire worlds strapped down into two thick backpacks, the sharp light from the hallway the only thing illuminating the room. Taek-woon was able to clearly remember how beautifully haunting Moon-hyuk had looked at that moment, face hollow after months of working, eyes bloodshot and shadows clawing over his face as if trying to run from the small light that tried to come in. At the time, Taek-woon could barely focus from how badly he wanted to hurl, but he tried his best to focus, to listen. “Don’t say a word until we’re far away, okay? Don’t talk to anyone, don’t make eye contact. Just keep your eyes on the ground until we’re safe. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Moon-hyuk’s hand shot out and grabbed his, squeezing. He was so warm.

“I’ll explain everything later. I-” A shrill alarm startled them both, Moon-hyuk nearly jumping out of his skin as he pulled his phone from his pocket. There were a few long seconds where he only stared at the screen, millions of thoughts running through his mind, before he eventually answered. It was someone from work, asking Moon-hyuk for help, and even though the two of them stood at their doorstep packed and ready to run, seconds from escaping, Moon-hyuk couldn’t. He gave Taek-woon a quick hug, promising to be back as soon as possible. They’ll run away right after; he just had to help his friend first. Taek-woon was still confused and absolutely plastered, so he just nodded and took a seat on the couch.

He’ll wait.

If only he knew that would be the last time.

He must have dozed off at some point, always sleeping deeply whenever he drank—and woke up to bright lights blaring down on him, surrounded by nothing but white. He briefly wondered if he was back in the hospital. It didn’t take him long, however, to realize he wasn’t in the hospital, or anywhere he recognized. He tried sitting up only to find his arms and legs strapped down, his mind instantly sobering as panic set in—where was he? He frantically looked around to see the room he was in to be completely bare except for the table he was strapped to, one wall lined with mirrors that allowed him to see how utterly vulnerable he was.

“Hello there, little Taek-woonie.” Taek-woon’s head snapped over to see Yong-san, the man from Moon-hyuk’s graduation who had given them this wonderful opportunity that had the very life out of his friend, sitting a few feet away. He hadn’t noticed him right away, the man dressed entirely in white and expertly fading into the background; but there was a practiced ease with which he watched Taek-woon, a calm that made him realize immediately that he was not a friend. His face was still covered in wrinkles, eyes crinkling with each blink, but the friendly smile from the graduation was replaced with a cool, calculating gaze, taking in Taek-woon’s every move. When Taek-woon shivered under that piercing stare, Yong-san’s lips slowly curled back into a thin-lipped grin.

“Do you remember me, Taek-woon? We only met briefly, but I’d like to think I left quite the impact.”

Taek-woon hesitated answering, heart thundering in his chest as he tried to understand what was going on. He wasn’t the smartest, never tried to be, but there was clearly something here he should know, or at least realize. This man; he obviously was much more than the friendly man who went around hiring recent graduates. There was darkness underneath the white, a danger that threatened to swallow him whole if he so much as blinked. He had spent enough years running with the wrong people, with his own father, to know who was bluffing, and who to really be afraid of.

This man, Lee Yong-san; he was dangerous.

When Taek-woon didn’t answer, Yong-san chuckled, eyes nearly disappearing from his crinkles. “I remember you. Moon-hyuk absolutely adores you, he talked about you all the time when he first started. I was actually a little sad when he realized how bad an idea that was; I enjoyed hearing about your little drunken escapades.”

Taek-woon swallowed, hands starting to shake from need, body desperate for something to calm itself down.

“Moon-hyuk is a very smart, young man. A little misguided, and so incredibly foolish. He can do so much good for the world if he just focused, and stopped thinking so much. I thought by giving a couple tiny threats, just the smallest hints of killing you, would help keep him in check. Such a bright young man held back by silly things like morality; it’s such a waste.

“But, he’d been warned. And now needs to be punished. Let’s see what young Moon-hyukkie will do.” Taek-woon was only able to frown confusedly when a door behind him opened, stiffening at the sound of Moon-hyuk’s cheerful voice coming through.

“I don’t know why you had to do this right now, of all times,” Moon-hyuk laughed, Taek-woon craning his neck to see Moon-hyuk talking to someone behind him, not yet realizing what was waiting for him. The restraints against Taek-woon’s wrists began to audibly rattle, his body shaking so badly now. In that brief second, he could see how relaxed Moon-hyuk was, how cool his smile was to whoever was behind him. It had been so long since he’d seen Moon-hyuk look like that. “You could’ve just waited till tomorrow, I would’ve-” Moon-hyuk’s voice stopped short when he finally turned his head to see him and Yong-san, eyes immediately locking onto Taek-woon strapped to the table.  

Moon-hyuk gaped unblinkingly at him, horror painted so clearly on his face, not moving even when another man entered the room behind him, locking the door closed. Taek-woon could hear Yong-san stand up, but he never moved his gaze from Moon-hyuk, the two staring as reality slowly set in. It seemed Moon-hyuk knew exactly what was happening, if the clear terror meant anything. He whirled around, eyes sharp and accusing on the man behind him.

“Y-you…! You knew, didn’t you? You didn’t need help with T52, you-you called me here so they could grab Taek-woon!” He lunged forward and grabbed the man’s collar, knuckles white and face mere inches from the other, and Taek-woon could feel the situation becoming more serious with every passing second. Moon-hyuk had never been the angry type. He was never violent. But whatever was happening, whatever Yong-san and this man planned, was bad enough Moon-hyuk was close to hitting them, to actually hurt them.

Taek-woon swallowed, gasping for air at the realization of how vulnerable he was, for once unable to use his fists to protect himself. Completely bare and defenseless.

“Now, now, Moon-hyuk, that’s no way to act in front of Taek-woon, is it?” Yong-san’s voice was so cheerful, as if merely chiding two misbehaving children. Moon-hyuk stiffened at the sound of his voice, fingers never letting go of the man’s shirt as he carefully glanced over his shoulder. Taek-woon flinched when he felt Yong-san’s hand rest on his shoulder, cold and clammy. “And don’t blame Jae-myun too much, I’m the one who ordered him to call you.”

Moon-hyuk was the first to break, tears wetting his eyes as his hands fell slack, staggering back. Heartbreak and fear melded perfectly on his face as he looked between Taek-woon and Yong-san, trembling. “W-why? I-I…I did everything you told me to!” He turned to Jae-myun, voice cracking. “Everything! Why are you doing this?”

“I’m only following orders,” Jae-myun said coldly, not reacting to Moon-hyuk’s tears or silent pleading.

“You’re a very good worker,” Yong-san said, chuckling when Moon-hyuk turned his teary gaze towards him. “You’ve excelled far beyond what others your age have been able to accomplish. I knew you were one of the best; one of a kind.”

“Then why-?”

“You’ve become a bit too complacent. You let your success get to your head. Who gave you permission to have secret meetings with T52? To skip out on your sessions with Yunho to start digging through the archives? Did you really think no one was going to notice when T52 was scheduled for testing when all the testing areas were empty?” His grip on Taek-woon’s shoulder turned sharp, nails digging into his skin. Moon-hyuk’s eyes snapped down when Taek-woon audibly grimaced. “T52 has become even more aggressive and hard to deal with since you started tampering with it; it was only a matter of time before someone connected the dots and informed me.”

Moon-hyuk glared accusatorily at Jae-myun, and the latter had the decency to look away.

“Don’t be so hard on Jae-myunnie now. His wife is pregnant, did you know? With a boy, isn’t that right, Jae-myun ah?” Traces of fear flashed across Jae-myun’s face as he timidly nodded, keeping his eyes locked firmly on the floor. “Some people are smarter than others. Jae-myun clearly loves his wife and family, and does his job well for them. But you, Moon-hyuk…seems little Taek-woon here doesn’t mean as much to you.”

Moon-hyuk glared, fists shaking as he struggled to stay still. “Taek-woon is everything to me.”

“Really, now? We gave you multiple warnings that reprimands would be given out if you continued to stray from your job and position. You ignored them, even after we graciously helped clear Taek-woon from being arrested for drug possession. We gave you so many chances; can you imagine how hurt I was when we came for Taek-woon to see the two of you packed to run away? I moved you from the slums to luxury, trusted you when probably no one else would, and you do this to me? You’re lucky I’m not doing this to the both of you.”

Moon-hyuk’s head snapped up at that, all color draining from his face. “No…you don’t mean…?”

“You thought all the subjects were willing volunteers? Most are, but some…were just very unfortunate victims.” Yong-san clicked his tongue then, and Jae-myun scrambled to the corner of the room where a small cart was, wheeling it over to Taek-woon’s bedside. Moon-hyuk gasped when Yong-san pulled out a small kit, eyes wide and afraid when he opened it.

“W-what-? N-no! Not—not Taek-woon! I-I didn’t-”

“You didn’t realize this was the punishment? Maybe we should start openly telling everyone the consequence of disobedience, it might be more effective keeping them in line. What do you think, Jae-myunnie?” Jae-myun didn’t say anything, keeping himself small and detached, and Taek-woon wished he could do the same. Everyone was purposefully speaking vaguely, hinting at what was happening and what went wrong, but Taek-woon had no way of understanding. The only thing he did understand was that whatever Moon-hyuk had done, Taek-woon would be the one paying the price. ing .

He furiously tugged at the restraints, the bed creaking beneath him, and while Moon-hyuk looked distressed, it was Yong-san putting a firm hand on his chest that stopped him. No matter how loudly Taek-woon cursed at Yong-san, demanded Moon-hyuk to tell him what was going on, Moon-hyuk never came any closer. He wanted someone to explain what the hell was going on, for Moon-hyuk to just tell him, but no matter how much he struggled and fought, Moon-hyuk stayed completely still. Yes, he was crying and looked absolutely broken at Taek-woon fighting on the bed, but not once did he try and help him.

“Moon-hyuk! Tell me! What’s going on? Moon-hyuk!”

Yong-san clicked his tongue, the hand on Taek-woon’s chest pressing down until Taek-woon gasped, chest so tight. “Moon-hyuk ah, what a bad friend you’re being. Poor Taek-woonie is calling for you and you’re just standing there.” He looked down to send a crinkly smile to Taek-woon, teeth sharp when Taek-woon glared back at him. “Now, we’re not inherently bad people; we don’t like torturing people for the fun of it. How about this? Moon-hyuk, would you like to take Taek-woon’s place?”

The room was silent.

Finally, “…what?”

Yong-san pat Taek-woon’s cheek, voice so light compared to the severity of his words. “You always talked about how much you loved Taek-woon; like a brother, wasn’t it? The only family you had. I’m a nice man, and don’t want to hurt anyone that doesn’t deserve it; you can save Taek-woon from taking your punishment by taking his place. Would you do it, Jung Moon-hyuk?”

Taek-woon snapped his head to Moon-hyuk, heart pounding in his chest when the last sliver of hope he had vanished the moment he saw the way Moon-hyuk minutely shook his head, looking so very afraid. Jae-myun came over and put a comforting hand on Moon-hyuk’s shoulder when the latter began to cry, apologizes and begging for forgiveness falling from his lips, but none of it reached Taek-woon’s ears. He could only stare at Moon-hyuk in betrayal, tears he hadn’t shed in years, refused to shed since the last time his father had drunkenly smashed a bottle on his head, running down his face when he felt a cold pad wipe over the crux of his elbow, the familiar pinch of a needle piercing his skin. He never looked away from Moon-hyuk’s pathetic sobbing as the flames of a thousand fires engulfed his body, screams wrenched from the depths of his throat as a pain so indescribable destroyed him until there was nothing left.

The last thing he saw before he collapsed was Moon-hyuk crying, and for the first time in his life, he hated the sight.

Taek-woon opened his eyes to nothing. Sheer terror was the only word that could ever come close to describing what he felt that day—bright white greeted him, but it was no longer the simple overhead light and white tiled ceiling of the hospital. Surrounded in a bubble that fit perfectly around his body, it was as if trapped in a nightmare that he had no way of waking from. Moon-hyuk was beside him, tears in his eyes as he blubbered apologizes, but as much as Taek-woon wanted to rip his hand away, scream obscenities at him and demand he never touch him again, he couldn’t. Because, all he could focus on was the fact that Moon-hyuk was holding his hand…and he couldn’t feel it.

Moon-hyuk explained what happened to him; that the work that had been the life out of him had actually been working on making cyborgs, that it was some secret government program so there was no way they could’ve left once Moon-hyuk had joined. That Moon-hyuk had done something he shouldn’t have, was caught, and they’d grabbed Taek-woon to punish him.

“Please understand, Taek-woonie,” Moon-hyuk sobbed, still holding his hand. Taek-woon wanted to punch him in the face, break his arms and leave him dead, but could only stare. He couldn’t feel his own tongue, couldn’t even figure out how to open his mouth. “There’s a cyborg here named Hong-bin, or, T52. The way they treat him, it’s terrible. They beat him if he doesn’t listen, and they force him into all these tests that are killing him. I couldn’t just stand by and watch; I had to help. Please understand Taek-woon ah.”

“But you have no idea how happy I am, that you survived. Nearly everyone dies, but you somehow made it.”

“My strong Taek-woonie, you survived.”

A fate worse than death.

Almost immediately after Taek-woon was whisked away into a new room. His room. He was slapped with a new name, X39, and was scheduled to begin testing immediately. He wanted to be angry, to scream and attack all these faceless people that came in and out of his room regardless if he wanted it or not. But he was trapped inside the prison that was his body, unable to move anything except his eyes, forced to watch as they moved him around like a puppet, pumping him with all kinds of things that left him completely lucid despite his body thrashing violently. They would speak over him as if he wasn’t there, talking about him as some science experiment, which, he guessed, was what he was now. Not even the dirtiest, most vile drug dealers had ever made him feel so worthless, so useless. They would poke and prod him for a response, leave bruises and scars in attempts to see if he could register the pain.

In between these dehumanizing tests were his sessions with Moon-hyuk. Moon-hyuk spoke of him being put in charge of Taek-woon as a good thing, describing in detail about how hard he fought to be given full control as if waiting for praise.

“They didn’t want to, but I wouldn’t take no for an answer. I wasn’t about to let anyone else work with you; it’s always just been the two of us. The two of us against the world, remember? I’ll never leave your side.”

Moon-hyuk strenuously ignored Taek-woon’s livid glares as helped Taek-woon learn how to navigate the world again, without touch. There was no way to describe how utterly wretched it felt to be able to see his body move, and feel none of it. He could no longer feel his chest swell when he took a breath, the brush of the blanket beneath his fingertips, the chill of the fan Moon-hyuk once brought in. He couldn’t feel his stomach protest when he was fed to the point he was told he would burst. He couldn’t feel the tickle of his nose before a sneeze, the annoyance of an eyelash in his eye, not even the gentle weight of his shirt over his skin. The material looked like it would be itchy, the threads coarse and raggedy, but no matter how many times he dragged his fingers across his front, he felt none of it.

He had no idea how long it took for him to learn how to turn his head, twist his wrists and stand on his own two feet. Taek-woon hated how much he had to rely on Moon-hyuk to learn how to bend his knees, curl his fingers. Moon-hyuk was beside him every step of the way, encouraging and gentle, but it was so hard. Taek-woon had always been emotional, always letting his fists speak for him and his anger to hide away all the hurt and pain. But now, trapped in a body that no longer felt like his own, when he couldn’t feel if his brows furrowed into the glare he wanted, when he couldn’t tell if he was even awake because he couldn’t feel his eyes blink; it was so hard.

He grew listless as the days passed, relegated to his seat on the bed where the only thing he could see was the door across the room, so close but yet completely unattainable. There was no reason to try, when every attempt left him feeling devastated, wanting to scream when he could see his fingers curl but not even being able to do that. He was trapped in a world that continued to move and feel without him, a world that looked down and laughed at him as he struggled to even breathe.

Never had he felt so broken—and now he had nothing to rely on, the only support he ever had the very reason he was here.   

It was at his very lowest that he finally met Hong-bin. He had only heard about the supposed other cyborg in passing, offhand comments from Moon-hyuk or the faceless people that experimented on him. It was clear, very quickly, that the cyborg was not liked, even Moon-hyuk admitting that while he tried to help, Hong-bin was almost impossible to work with. Violent, dangerous, aggressive. Taek-woon had never been too interested, so it was a surprise when the door opened one day to reveal the most beautiful person Taek-woon had ever seen.

The man had an extremely youthful face, skin free of a single blemish and hair cut in a surprisingly fashionable style, a stark contrast from the majority of the people here. His eyes were round and gentle, a flash of something akin to regret passing over his face at the sight of Taek-woon withering away on his bed. Neither said anything for a long moment before the man slowly walked over to sit in the desk chair Moon-hyuk usually used, each step stilted as if it took every ounce of concentration. Taek-woon watched silently as the man slowly, carefully, lowered himself onto the chair, catching how the man looked at everything before touching it, always checking before moving.

The man smiled. “You’re X39, aren’t you?”

Taek-woon wanted to glare, but felt nothing. “My name’s Taek-woon.” Even his voice sounded wrong, words jumbled as his tongue flopped uselessly in his mouth.

Hong-bin’s gaze softened, though there wasn’t an ounce of pity in his gaze. Only understanding. “Good. My name’s Hong-bin.”

Hong-bin was the salvation he desperately needed, shamelessly clinging onto the man with the desperation of a drowning man. He was the only one who truly understood the desolation that came with losing all sense of touch, and it was only Hong-bin that treated him with anything but pity. Hong-bin gradually taught him how to speak using a mirror, so patient and calm as Taek-woon struggled. He taught Taek-woon how to really walk, not by leaning on Moon-hyuk and relying on his help, but by staring at his own legs and learning how each muscle moved. He taught Taek-woon how to eventually ignore the absence of bodily functions that overwhelmed him—breathing, blinking, swallowing—until they were no longer even a thought. It was a long process, but Hong-bin understood the struggle and knew how to teach him well.

Hong-bin was rough and volatile and hated absolutely everyone and everything, but he was nothing but kind to Taek-woon. It wasn’t long before Hong-bin was spending almost all his time in Taek-woon’s room, keeping him company and doing whatever he could to pull Taek-woon from the dark hole he had sunk into. Hong-bin fought and threatened all the people that tried to poke and prod at Taek-woon, cursed and broke things when they tried to take him in for testing. There was a time where Taek-woon would have hated someone fighting for him, always so proud and stubborn, but now he only hid behind Hong-bin, grateful to have someone protect him.

He remembered one time Hong-bin grabbed Moon-hyuk’s clipboard and snapped it in half, roaring at him to get the out, and Moon-hyuk’s terrified, teary gaze immediately looked to Taek-woon. And Taek-woon had done nothing but look away. He could remember how heartbroken Moon-hyuk looked when he eventually left, but none of it mattered. Not when Hong-bin immediately rushed back to his side and wrapped him in a hug.

Moon-hyuk had once asked him why they hugged when neither could feel it, but Taek-woon had just scoffed in his face. Of course he wouldn’t understand. It wasn’t the touch they craved; but just the presence of the other, the intimacy they could perceive, was enough for them to always find ways to be together.

Hong-bin was the only reason he lasted as long as he did, so it was only natural he was the reason everything fell apart. The former had been taken in for testing, and while they said it was just a normal test, he was gone for days. No one would tell Taek-woon what happened to him, and Moon-hyuk evaded answering him when pressed. It drove Taek-woon crazy. Without Hong-bin’s calm reassurances and strong presence, it wasn’t long before the thoughts came back, attention wrested to only how empty his world was, how numb his body was. Moon-hyuk tried to act like nothing was wrong, joking and smiling as if Taek-woon’s silence was normal. Moon-hyuk was just like the others, didn’t realize how badly their cavalier words and attitude chipped away at him until he was left raw.

It all came to a head when one day Moon-hyuk left a box cutter in his room. It had been so long since he’d last seen Hong-bin, since anyone even mentioned Hong-bin’s name in front of him, and he had given up. It started with simple curiosity, struggling to push out the blade and poking the skin of his forearm with the tip. He watched, fascinated, as a small bead of blood formed beneath the knife, so shiny and red. It was such a bright contrast to the muted whites and gray of his room, and he ran his finger through it and watched as it smeared across his arm. A poke turned into a cut, a cut into a wound, and it wasn’t long before what was once his arm was a mangled mess, skin peeled back so badly he could see bone.

And yet, he could feel none of it.

Moon-hyuk charged into the room with a face as white as a sheet, no doubt finding out from someone about what he’d been doing, but by then it was too late. His arm and legs were beyond repair, his stomach cut up so badly his intestines were on full display as they hung out from gaping holes. Moon-hyuk broke down in tears as he screamed, hands covering his mouth in horror as he asked Taek-woon why, why would he do such a thing? Others stormed in the room after him, all stopping in shocked horror, and Taek-woon laughed.

“What’s wrong, Moon-hyukkie? Isn’t it pretty? Red is such a pretty color. I didn’t realize how much I missed it.”

“Taek-woon…you’re dying…” Moon-hyuk whispered, Jae-myun helping hold him up. He looked so devastated, so shattered. Taek-woon only laughed harder.

“Does it scare you, Moon-hyukkie? Don’t worry, I don’t feel any of this.” He brought the knife up to slice his face, aim off from how shaky his hand was, and his vision was suddenly blurred with red. Red, red, red. “You made sure of it. This means nothing to me. You’re just going to do more tests, aren’t you? Fix me up and do it all over again. Go ahead, try and fix me now. Just try.” The knife fell from his hand, so much blood soaking everywhere and hand trembling so badly, and the faceless people attacked. They held him down and rushed him out to try and save him. They stuck a needle in him, their faces for the first time looking panicked and scared, and Taek-woon finally felt victorious.

But in the end, nothing mattered. He woke up to find his body completely intact, not a scratch in sight. Moon-hyuk was a mixture of furious and distraught when he explained that nearly Taek-woon’s entire body had been replaced by prosthetics. They really didn’t think he would have survived, his injuries so extensive and some of the parts still in development and, frankly, not ready to be put in a human body. But they had been frantic to save him, one of the only two living cyborgs they had. And again, Taek-woon shocked them all when he not only survived, but thrived on the replacements.

“You’re so strong, Taek-woon. You were always a survivor.”

Hong-bin came back not long after, and he never gave a real explanation where he had been. He had been much more distracted by the news that Taek-woon had mutilated himself, expression so forlorn as he ran his fingers over Taek-woon’s new arm and legs.

“It’s a curse, these prosthetics. Once you have them, they will always need to be maintained. You’re going to have to have them replaced after so many years, with tune-ups and newer models. You forced their hand to do it all at once, but it was inevitable they would do it eventually.” Hong-bin revealed to him that his own body had basically all been replaced, only his head left alone because they still hadn’t figured out a way to touch that without killing him. It was what all the tests they had so far been subjecting Taek-woon to were all supposed to lead up to—cutting away piece by piece and replacing him until he was no more human than a household coffee maker. At this point, none of it mattered anymore.

Even with Hong-bin again by his side, Taek-woon spent much of his free time fiddling around with his new body, snapping a finger here, peeling back a stretchy skin set there. Moon-hyuk begged him to stop, reaching out to hug him but always stopping at the last second. Ever since bringing him into this mess, Moon-hyuk never could bring himself to touch Taek-woon. It had stung at first, filled him with anger and loathing, but now it just made him that much emptier. Sadder.

He hated what he had become. He hated looking down and seeing a body that no longer felt like his. His fiddling became full on destruction. Smashing his arm against his desk until it snapped. Twisting his leg until the skin ripped. The faceless people grew more and more frustrated every time he was brought back, threatening both Moon-hyuk and Taek-woon himself if he continued. Not that Taek-woon cared. What could they do to him? Hurt him? He wouldn’t feel any of it anyway. He grew angrier, sadder, anguished.

His last memory, the last thing he remembered before his memory was stolen from him, was when he had managed to claw away at the skin over his stomach, revealing a completely metal casing beneath. Something about the sight of it set him off, snapped something in him, and he grabbed the desk chair, breaking off the armrest and stabbing it right into where his stomach should be. An alarm overhead went off, no doubt somebody watching his room realizing what he was doing, but he didn’t care. He wasn’t human anymore. He wasn’t a machine, but he wasn’t human. Not when his own body started screaming out its own alarm, lights sparking as he stabbed his stomach again and again.

The door burst open and a group of faceless people burst in, rushing towards him and tackling him to the ground. He didn’t know if he hurt any of them as they wrestled for the armrest, his ears full of their shouts and his vision blurred from tears. There was another shout, and another scream, and all hands suddenly were gone, Taek-woon’s body falling uselessly to the floor.   

As the ringing in his ears faded and his breathing calmed, the faintest sound of squelching flesh rang throughout the room, strangled grunts interspersed with each punch. Taek-woon blinked confusedly between the faceless people, saw them all staring at something with fear in their eyes, and he followed their gaze…to see Hong-bin crouched over the mangled body of a man, face twisted in an unspeakable rage as he punched the ever-loving out of his face. The man was obviously dead, but Hong-bin didn’t seem to realize, so consumed with anger as he punched over and over. They all watched him, frozen, none of them daring to move or speak a word; the door slammed open and Lee Yong-san ran in, Moon-hyuk not far behind.

“Stop, Lee Hong-bin!” Yong-san bellowed, furious but also much too afraid to approach Hong-bin. Hong-bin stopped mid-punch with the inhuman speed of a machine, head whipping around to glare at Yong-san. Hong-bin was on his feet in seconds, lips pulled back in a snarl as he staggered forward until he was only inches from Yong-san.

“You er,” he hissed. Blood soaked his whole front, the skin of his knuckles scrapped away until only bloodied metal shone. “I told you to never appear in front of me again or I’ll kill you. You think I won’t?” A hand shot out and grabbed Yong-san’s collar, not even the slight fumble as he struggled getting a good grip taking away from the terrifying electricity in the air.

Yong-san met his gaze head-on. “You killed a man today; do you realize that? That man had a family just like you did, had someone waiting for him at home. Are you going to take responsibility for what his wife and kids are going to go through?”

Hong-bin cackled, eyes widening, full of hysteria. “That man was also the one who tore me apart and laughed when I pissed myself during tests. I would do it all over again if it meant I could hear him scream again.” He leaned closer, the blood spatters on his cheek dripping down onto Yong-san’s, and Taek-woon noticed Yong-san’s clenched fist tremble, the only indication the man was not as unaffected as he appeared. “I let you all do whatever the you wanted with me because I had nothing. But I warned you to be careful with Taek-woon. You promised me you would take care of him—but you ers just couldn’t stop yourselves, could you? Letting him wallow away without explaining anything-”

“The kid was destroying himself! There’s not much we can do about that! We told you we can’t stop-“

“Then help him! I know what’s going on because I used to be ing one of you, but he’s innocent. He doesn’t know anything but you all just with him and complain when he doesn’t do enough tricks for you to make you happy. You ers!” He landed a solid punch on Yong-san’s jaw, the latter staggering back and jaw obviously broken, before the faceless people next to Taek-woon hurriedly shot out and swarmed Hong-bin, collectively able to hold him down. Yong-san, unable to talk as he cradled his broken jaw, signaled at Moon-hyuk and Jae-myun behind him, and Moon-hyuk rushed forward and stabbed a needle into Hong-bin’s neck. Hong-bin instantly fell limp, unconscious, and the room was immediately blanketed in a thick silence, disbelief and shock numbing them all.

Yong-san clambered to his feet, leaning heavily against the door. “Get him out of here,” he slurred, voice thick with rage. Cradling his jaw, he turned to a young man, really a small teenager, standing at the doorway. “You, Kim Joon-myeon. Go and call Seung-hyun. Tell them to prepare project Sakjje; I’m not going to wait any longer.” The scrawny teenager let out a strangled whimper before running off, and Yong-san’s steely glare was the last thing Taek-woon remembered as a hand covered his eyes and he was forced into a deep slumber.

That was the last memory he would have, his and Hong-bin’s memories wiped clean right after. An idea many had been pushing for but Moon-hyuk strongly fought against. A last-ditch effort to maintain the illusion Taek-woon was still the childhood friend he had known and loved—but in the end, it didn’t matter. None of it mattered the moment Hong-bin killed someone. Taek-woon was taken to an isolated cabin with Moon-hyuk, Hong-bin left alone in the lab, and all the efforts the two of them had done to try and stay sane, stay human, were left in vain.

Nothing mattered in the end.

--

Sang-hyuk didn’t dare move when Hong-bin—no, Taek-woon’s—voice stopped, his fingers subconsciously gripping the latter’s shirt as he listened. Taek-woon had been so scared and confused when Sang-hyuk pulled out the charger, just like Hong-bin had warned, and Sang-hyuk had hurried to try and calm him down. He wasn’t sure what to do, never having to comfort anyone beyond a few pats on the shoulder, never having to face someone breaking down so badly before him. Hong-bin—Taek-woon—had always been so strong, constant and steady, that to see him suddenly so emotional and scared had left Sang-hyuk floundering.

He had tried pulling him into a hug, the one thing that had always worked to help Sang-hyuk, and almost by instinct Taek-woon had twisted him around and pulled him into his lap. Taek-woon crushed Sang-hyuk close, crying as his body trembled with each heaving sob, and Sang-hyuk let him. Holding Sang-hyuk, feeling him and taking the time to realize he was really there, seemed to help. Gradually, so slowly, Taek-woon’s sobs turned to quiet whimpers, face buried in the crook of Sang-hyuk’s neck. It had been when Sang-hyuk gently called his name, brushing his fingers over Taek-woon’s hand, that the other had started speaking.

It was like the dam had been broken, the words gushing out of Taek-woon as if they would disappear if he didn’t speak. Knowing how long the memories had been stolen, how long he had been forced to live with only what had been spoon-fed to him; it made sense how desperate the other was to tell his story. To let someone else know who he was and what he had been through. And Sang-hyuk was more than willing to listen. Taek-woon, whether as Hong-bin or X39, had been a support that Sang-hyuk had shamelessly relied on for years; it was only right he did the same in return.

He might not be the best support, but he would do whatever it took to help.

Taek-woon shuddered, his hands rhythmically running up and down Sang-hyuk’s side, lips ghosting over the nape of Sang-hyuk’s neck as he pressed his face that much closer. “Moon-hyuk…Moon-hyuk changed after that. He had held so much guilt for what he had let happen to me; he had tried to protect me in a way that was very similar to what you do now.” Sang-hyuk felt his breath catch in his throat, eyes wetting as he pressed his cheek closer to Taek-woon’s chest, hands trembling as he listened to the calming hum of his battery. Jung Moon-hyuk; he had never thought much of the man beyond an indescribable shadow that forever hung over Taek-woon, an unspoken evil that had done so much irreparable damage. Moon-hyuk hadn’t been as despised as his father, but even then, his name was almost a taboo by itself, not even Joon-myeon mentioning it. It had never occurred to him that the man had had any intentions beyond greed and desire, that he could possibly have loved Taek-woon.

“I had been too caught up in my loss and pain to realize how badly he was suffering as well, and by the time we were moved out, he had already lost his mind.”

Sang-hyuk kept his voice soft, afraid that if he spoke any louder this would all disappear. “What happened…?”

Taek-woon’s voice cracked, full of a devastating sadness that made Sang-hyuk’s heart break. “He tried so hard to bring me back. He performed many, many tests, but without my memories it did nothing but break him that much more. In between the tests that your father would visit to make sure were completed, he tried to teach me how to be Jung Taek-woon again. But I just couldn’t understand. It wasn’t long before he gave up, and treated me as just another machine. It was easier that way, than dealing with the fact that the child he had grown up with was gone.”

“But…you were capable of learning. At my dad’s office, you understood what I was teaching you. You were able to recognize some of my expressions, and were learning-”

“In his final days, Moon-hyuk had done many things to me, most of which were not approved. Many of the people who worked on me after, such as your Won-shik, had assumed it had been malicious, done to ruin me and the whole project. But it wasn’t. In his last days, Moon-hyuk once again wanted to bring me back. And in his lunacy, had actually given me more autonomy and awareness than anyone realized. It was how I could keep my memories even after you wiped me, and was able to learn when Hong-bin could not. I’m not sure if that had been Moon-hyuk’s intention, but I…I like to think he did it for me, as his last apology.”

Sang-hyuk finally pulled back, just enough that he could look Taek-woon in the eye. Taek-woon’s face was so close, lips pursed tight as his eyes stared back at him with the most expressive, clear gaze he had ever seen. His heart fluttered, his fingers holding Taek-woon’s shirt shaking.

“Hong-bin…”

A sad smile appeared on Taek-woon’s face, the latter’s hands coming up to cup Sang-hyuk’s cheeks, his touch so delicate and soft. Unwanted tears welled in Sang-hyuk’s eyes, and Taek-woon’s thumbs naturally moved to wipe them away. “It is such a strange concept to hear a name that is not my own, but you…Sang-hyuk…there are no words to express how grateful I am that I met you. Even before entering this place, my life had never been good. Even with Moon-hyuk by my side, there had never been anyone who loved me the way you did. You were so innocent, so sweet, in how you cared about my wellbeing. Even when my mind was broken, I was able to understand how kind you were, and I wanted to protect you.”

“I…” Sang-hyuk swallowed, thoughts hopelessly scrambled but desperate to be let out. “You, I…I wanted to help you, too. I wanted to be there like Hak-yeon had for me, but I was always such a mess, am still a mess-”

“No one here is not a mess,” Taek-woon interrupted before Sang-hyuk could spiral further, letting out a soft sigh. “I don’t think you realize, Sang-hyuk, how much just your kindness and patience helped me. I can’t speak for Hong-bin, but you always treating me like any other was the greatest part of my day. I always looked forward to seeing you and hearing you tell me stories. While I knew the stories you told were sad and based on your life, I always wanted to hear them.

“Because that little boy was not alone. In the dungeons of the castle, there was another boy that was locked away. And that boy loved the little one with all his heart, and vowed to do whatever it took to keep him safe. And that, Sang-hyuk ah, is true even now.”

Tears ran freely down Sang-hyuk’s cheeks when Taek-woon gently tilted his chin up to press the softest of kisses against his lips, eyes falling shut as he thought, yes, they really weren’t alone.

Well, guess I should start with a hello, haha. I won't blame any of you if you gave up on this story, or thought it abandoned. I had abandoned it briefly; this chapter was incredibly difficult to write, and with writer's block and life it was hard to get the motivation to write. And with all the craziness that's been going on in the world right now, it was almost impossible. But no matter how much time passed, I couldn't stop thinking of this story and how badly I still wanted to tell it. I started this story all the way back in 2014, and damn it if I'm not determined to finish it! Honestly, even if no one reads it, I'm going to finish it just because I love this story and all the characters in it.

I feel like my writing style has changed so much since I last touched this fic, hopefully it isn't too off-putting! I was so proud of myself for finally finishing this chapter that I just uploaded the whole thing with very little editing, so I'll probably be going back in later to fix any mistakes. And if there is anyone still reading this, please let me know! I will probably cry tears of joy and send you big big hugs!!

Thank you for reading! I love you!!~