He watched with the utmost concentration, his eyes drawn to the way Sang-hyuk’s hands carefully and expertly moved down his limbs, noting how each press of his thumbs left small indents that he wished would never disappear. He could not describe how the sight of the small imprints on his skin made him feel, Sang-hyuk usually so gentle that it was almost as if he had never touched him at all. But Sang-hyuk was not anything like usual today, the moment he stepped into the room seeming to radiate with an aura that was anything but positive, and Y21 was determined to be as quiet and obedient as the other needed him to be.

He could not deny that most of his thoughts had been preoccupied for the past few sessions, his head filled only with thoughts of Sang-hyuk spending time with Hong-bin and X39. While Hong-bin had been nothing but reassuring and promising that Sang-hyuk loved Y21 the most, he could not forget the idea. He never wanted to say that he believed Sang-hyuk belonged only to him, or that only he deserved to be with him, but he would be lying if he said otherwise.

He watched as Sang-hyuk’s fingers lifted his foot, his fingertips pushing against the heel. He wanted to feel that. He had grown accustomed to the sensations that would flood his mind from his hand, now able to touch and feel things as if he had all his life. It had taken time, but it had worked, and now Y21 was desperate to have that ability completely. He had observed the way Hong-bin would move when he visited, how Hong-bin moved and breathed with such ease, brushing his hands against things and humming noncommittingly to the feel of it against his skin. It seemed so trivial to him, how he would comment to Y21 about how something was too hot, or too rough; how he would sigh contently about how soft Y21’s skin was.

He wanted to feel that too.

Sang-hyuk let out a sigh as he finished, placing Y21’s foot down on the floor before leaning back in his chair. His expression was hard to read, wrinkles deeper than before marking his face and drawing his brow tight. His shoulders were taut, drawn up to his neck while his lips were pulled back into a shape that was nothing like his usual kind smiles. He wanted to ask, to understand what was hurting him to the point that he would be so visibly upset, but he knew he could not. He could only speak once spoken to.

It was after some time that he realized that Sang-hyuk would more than likely not speak this session at all, and he could not explain how his body felt…empty. Sang-hyuk had always talked to him. No matter how much he lacked and could not respond appropriately, Sang-hyuk had always made sure to smile and praise him. But since Hong-bin had mentioned the others, he could not help but wonder if Sang-hyuk had been lying, and had only said those things to placate him. He knew deep down that no matter how many times Sang-hyuk said it, he would never be as beautiful as Hong-bin, or as amazing as X39. There was nothing about himself that was exemplary in any aspect, and he wondered if Sang-hyuk had simply grown tired of lying.

He was suddenly jolted from his thoughts when a sudden touch to his hand brought his attention forward, blinking confusedly to see Sang-hyuk repeating his name.

“Y21? Y21, look at me. Can you hear me?”

Y21 blinked again, his answer immediate as if spoken with a different tongue from his own. “I am here.” Sang-hyuk’s shoulders dropped at his reply, a smile on his face, and Y21 could not understand, only watching as Sang-hyuk’s hands moved to cup around his good one. He could feel the ridges of Sang-hyuk’s fingertips, the sharp pricks of his chewed fingernails, and he restrained himself from openly lamenting at wanting to feel that everywhere. “Is something wrong, baby?” Sang-hyuk asked, his question strange. “You’ve seemed so sad recently; did I do something?”

“I do not understand.”  

Sang-hyuk let out a soft breath, all the wrinkles and folds in his face slowly smoothing out until only a smile was left, an expression he reserved only for erasing any bad thoughts from Y21’s mind. “You’re thinking about something. Whenever I see you, you’re always thinking. I thought it was cute at first, but recently you’ve seemed so sad. You don’t smile at me anymore, and I’m worried. Did something happen? You know you can tell me, right? I’ll always be here.”

And with those words, Sang-hyuk had given him permission to speak.

“When you are not with me, do you also visit Hong-bin and X39?”

Sang-hyuk’s eyes widened, his pupils dilating and his mouth dropping open, and Y21 wondered if he had said something he should not have. He did not speak again, waiting instead. He watched as Sang-hyuk let out a shaky breath, his hands trembling against his own as he dragged his chair closer, his eyes unable to look into Y21’s as he stared down at their feet. He could see the hesitation in Sang-hyuk’s posture, from the way his teeth drug against his bottom lip to the way his foot tapped the floor repeatedly. At seeing such a reaction, he wished he could take back his question, pretending nothing was wrong as he lied that he was fine.

Finally, “…yes. I do see T52 and X39. I won’t lie to you, and I see X39 much more than I see you or T52. But,” he added hurriedly, suddenly confident as he met Y21’s eye and stared with hardened concentration, his face only inches from his own, “that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. You’re still new, so I don’t want to overwork you or hurt you. X39’s been here much longer than you and can stand the tests better, so I work with him more. I promise there’s nothing wrong with you.” His hand moved to run down the side of Y21’s cheek, though Y21 felt nothing. He felt nothing.

“I am strong. I can do the tests.”

Sang-hyuk retracted his hand so fast he could barely catch it, though he was quickly distracted by how angry Sang-hyuk appeared, his frown so deep he could see glimpses of his teeth. “No. You’re fine exactly the way you are. I won’t let them do anything to you until I know you’re ready. Don’t ask for something you’re not ready for.” There was a break in Sang-hyuk’s voice then, a crack that sounded similar to how he would cry, but for once Y21 could not concentrate on that. He could only hear the finality in his words, the decision made without any consultation.

“But why do you allow Hong-bin and X39 to do them? I want to be ready too.” When Sang-hyuk’s expression did not change, only opening his mouth to scold him again, Y21 continued. He did not know where such confidence to override his obedience came from, but it rushed though his body and guided his voice, letting his innermost thoughts run free.

“You lie to me and tell me I am beautiful, and I am wonderful. I knew nothing but your words and believed you; but you see X39 and Hong-bin as much as you see me, and you tell them the same words that you say to me. I know I am not beautiful like you or Hong-bin. I appeared to believe your words to make you smile, but I know there is no truth behind them. But even now, you refuse to give me a chance to match them, and allow me to fall behind. I do not understand why you lie to me.”

Sang-hyuk’s expression was one of surprise, though this time his reaction was much faster as he immediately straightened himself and in one quick motion pulled Y21 into his arms. Y21 did not know what was happening, Sang-hyuk never having done anything similar before, and struggled briefly before allowing himself to be shifted onto Sang-hyuk’s lap. He looked up see Sang-hyuk’s chin hanging over the top of his brow, a short glance showing his cheek pressed against Sang-hyuk’s chest. While none of this meant anything, he was very aware of Sang-hyuk’s hand that grasped his good hand tightly.

“It seems no matter what I do, I’m only destined to hurt you.” He did not know what those words meant, though kept his mouth shut from the sound of broken sobs coming from Sang-hyuk’s mouth. “I thought by keeping you here and not allowing anyone to touch you, you would be safe and happy. I only wanted you to be happy. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“I do not understand.”

Sang-hyuk’s hand tightened, and Y21 could not help but wince. Sang-hyuk did not seem to notice. “I promise you that nothing I’ve said is a lie. I would never lie to you. You are beautiful, you’re so beautiful. You shine like the sun and the moon and the stars and every ing thing in between. You’re so, so beautiful, and I wish I could’ve made you believe that even before. You deserved to have the world bow at your feet. You still do.”

“But X39-”

“X39 is very special to me too, in a way that no one else can be. But that doesn’t make you any less special, or any less remarkable. Don’t look down on yourself just because you are different. You are special in your own way. So please don’t say anything like that again. Please.”

He stayed silent as he listened to the sound of Sang-hyuk’s shaking breaths, his eyes watching the small tears that slowly trickled down his chin and dripped onto his shirt. He blinked when he felt their hands move, and he looked up to see Sang-hyuk pressing his lips against the inside of Y21’s palm. The sensation was warm, the wrinkled skin of his lips wet and ticklish, and he relished the feeling as he committed each one to memory. Sang-hyuk let out another sigh into the cup of his hand, and his breath was hot and left his skin feeling slightly moist.

Sang-hyuk kissed each one of his fingers as he continued to sing praises and drown all his bad thoughts with kind words, but Y21 could only hear one thing.

I want to feel this.

--

His body automatically stiffened when the door opened again, determination strengthening his focus as he watched Seok-jin carefully push the cart into the room. While Sang-hyuk and Hong-bin were both openly friendly with him and did much to be friends, Seok-jin had remained distant. Seok-jin only stayed in the room long enough to finish his work, and tended to rush out the moment he was finished. But he would not today. No, Y21 had something he was determined to do, and he would not allow Seok-jin to leave until it was accomplished.

He watched as Seok-jin stopped the cart by his bedside, observing intently as he readied the tube and filled it with his food. They had followed this routine to the point that he knew exactly when to open his mouth, Seok-jin knowing exactly how to place it so he would not have to touch Y21. Sang-hyuk had once told him that Seok-jin was just shy, and that he could not look him in the eye because Y21 was too pretty. He knew this was not true, Hong-bin able to look him in the eye with ease, but he did wonder what about himself always seemed to put the man in such discomfort.

He waited until Seok-jin had finished, pulling the tube out his mouth and cleaning his face, before speaking. “Kim Seok-jin.”

Seok-jin’s reaction was one he had never seen before, a high-pitched squeal escaping his lips as the tube clattered noisily to the floor. Seok-jin’s head whipped around to look at him, the first time their eyes ever met, and Y21 could see how wide and afraid they were. But he had no time to comment on it, Seok-jin letting out a string of words that Sang-hyuk had warned him to never repeat as he stooped down to pick up the tube, his fingers fluttering as he looked it over, checking for anything wrong. Seok-jin was still shaking even after he stood up and put the tube back on the cart, his lips trembling and his eyes blown wide, but Y21 had no time to wait for him to calm.

“Kim Seok-jin,” he repeated, hoping Seok-jin understood he was waiting for an answer.

Seok-jin’s eyes flickered over to him again, his teeth biting down into his lower lip until the skin turned white, and Y21 wanted to growl at him for not understanding his intention. Did he not know that Y21 could not speak without being spoken to?

So, he tried again. “Kim Seok-jin.”

“W-what do you want?” Seok-jin finally answered, his tone rushed and angry, and Y21 was not sure how to respond. Nobody had ever spoken to him in such a way before, and he did not know what the appropriate tone or words would be to match the direction of the conversation. His plight seemed to be recognized, Seok-jin slapping a hand to his mouth before stuttering profusely, letting out another barrage of bad words. “F-, that’s not—. , I didn’t mean—ah, . Sorry, please don’t tell Doctor Han.”

“I will not.” That seemed to be an appropriate enough response, Seok-jin calming enough that his hand dropped down to pick mindlessly at the tube. He took his time bringing up his request, going over every word to try and not have Seok-jin react so violently again. “I have something that I need to ask you.”

Seok-jin looked pained at his words, almost as if he was about to cry, but he at least responded. “I-I can’t do anything for you. You’re better off asking Doctor Han, he’s the only allowed to do anything.”

He was not sure what that meant, so he continued as if Seok-jin had not spoken at all. “I want to start my tests. Sang-hyuk does not think I am strong enough, but I know that I can do it. I want to have the same tests that X39 does.”

Seok-jin’s fidgeting stopped completely, his brow furrowed in confusion, and Y21 found he did not like it. “You…you do know what the tests are, right? What they’re doing to X39?”

“I know that they have had their body parts replaced so that they can feel like you do. I want to feel like them.”

Seok-jin’s expression slowly shifted until it was an exact copy of Sang-hyuk’s, a mixture of displeasure and uncertainty. Y21 did not like it. “…I don’t think you really know. They’re doing a lot more than that.”

“It does not matter. I can do it.”

“I’m sure, but Doctor Han knows what he’s doing, and if he says you can’t, then I can’t do anything.”

“Sang-hyuk does not know. He treats me differently than the others, and I know this. He does not know what I am capable of. I can handle the tests. I can do it.” Seok-jin did not speak after that, his expression changing enough he could not read it anymore, and Y21 believed it to be a lost cause when the other man only turned and left the room.

--

He was not sure how much time had passed by the time the lights were again, a signifier of another day passed, but he was only aware of the change when the door opened, this time bringing a presence that was much better received. He smiled widely when Hong-bin stepped through the door, his fingers twitching over his knees but otherwise staying still as he waited for Hong-bin to greet him. From the many times they had spent together, he had learned how alike he and Hong-bin were in terms of what they were capable of and what their limits were, but he was well aware of how much more autonomy Hong-bin had over himself than Y21 did.

That fact was only compounded now as Hong-bin easily made his way over to Y21’s bed, bypassing Sang-hyuk’s chair completely to instead sit beside him on the bed. He was in a good mood; he noticed immediately from the way his lips were pulled out into a wonderful smile, his eyes crinkled and dimples decorating his cheeks under the lamp light. While Y21 had not yet figured out how to tell the differences in Hong-bin’s ever-changing moods, he always enjoyed seeing him when he was at his happiest.

“Hello!” Hong-bin greeted loudly, and Y21 knew he was now allowed to move. He carefully pulled his legs up onto the bed, Hong-bin helping him fold and push his limbs into a supposedly comfortable position. Y21 never cared much about his body with how little it felt like his own, but he knew Hong-bin and Sang-hyuk both cared deeply. He watched as Hong-bin grabbed the blankets to cover their legs, not missing the way his hands found their way to Y21’s uncovered arms, his fingers catching loosely onto the folds of his sleeve, and he wondered idly what such a thing would feel like.

He reached out and hooked his fingers into the dip of Hong-bin’s collar, something he did not think much of as they had done such intimate touches numerous times before. He was not prepared, however, for Hong-bin to flinch back violently, his hands shoving Y21 away as he grasped at his shirt, clutching the fabric close to his chest. Y21 blinked confusedly, unsure what he had done to cause such a reaction, and it seemed even Hong-bin realized that something was not right, his hands slowly loosening.

“I am sorry,” Hong-bin said, his voice smooth despite his expression. “I did not mean to react in such a way.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No. I just did not expect for you to try and touch me. Was there a reason for you to do so?” No worry, no rushed fear or hurried anger, just calculated reasoning and a calm front. It was something he could understand with ease, and could figure how to respond with little problem.

He held up his good hand for Hong-bin to see, twisting his wrist and clenching his fingers until he saw Hong-bin’s eyes focus. “My hand. It was replaced long before I met you. I have been watching you moving and feeling with your skin; I only wanted to try and understand what you are able to feel. I am sorry if that upset you.”

Hong-bin did not answer, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open in a way similar to Sang-hyuk and Seok-jin would do when surprised. While his skin could not grow pale from shock or his eyes dilate in fear, there was a twitch in Hong-bin’s expression, a small raise of an eyebrow, a purse of his lips enough to show a dimple, that he was able to recognize the surprise and…displeasure. Hong-bin’s eyes eventually trailed down to Y21’s hand, tentatively reaching out to touch him only to pull back in the end. “I…” Hong-bin started, “was not aware of this. How long has your hand been replaced?”

Y21 pulled his hand back into his lap, an action that Hong-bin watched with acute concentration. “I do not know. I only know that it took me a very long time to learn. It is difficult to process all the sensations. Though Sang-hyuk has said recently that I have been doing very well.”

Hong-bin’s frown only grew at his words, his expression a perfect picture of frustration, and Y21 was not sure why he was upset. Y21 was very pleased with his hand that allowed him to feel, and he loved every second he could learn more about the world through his skin. He knew Hong-bin also had this ability—he was not sure what about it Hong-bin did not like. “I did not know this. If I had known, I would not have touched you so carelessly.” Hong-bin finally looked back up at him, their eyes meeting. “Does it hurt you?”

Y21 shook his head, smiling. He had learned smiles tended to help Hong-bin’s mood whenever he grew somber, and smiled whenever he could. Sang-hyuk had told him that Hong-bin absolutely loved his smiles. “I love feeling things. Sang-hyuk teaches me, and I practice when I am alone.” When Hong-bin matched his smile with a reassuring laugh, he continued. “I know that the blankets are soft, and that the desk is hard. I also know that skin is soft. I love touching Sang-hyuk.”

Hong-bin nodded in thought, once again reaching out and carefully placing a hand on Y21’s arm. He seemed reassured when Y21 did nothing to pull away, his thumb moving in circles. “Yes. Skin is very soft. It is wonderful to feel.” His voice lowered to a whisper, the sound small. “Yours used to be so warm, like the sun. I cannot forgive them for taking that away.”

“I do not understand.”

Hong-bin smiled again, his whole face appearing to smile along with him, and Y21 was surprised how easily he was distracted. “It is nothing. I am happy to hear that you are adapting well. It is quite difficult to learn touch belatedly, though you are still young, so it will come to you much easier.” There was a flash of hesitation in Hong-bin’s eyes, his gaze flickering before he slowly slid his hand over Y21’s. Y21’s whole arm instinctively jolted, and while Hong-bin’s expression appeared apologetic, his grip turned hard as he held him in place. “What does this feel like?”

“Soft. Cold.”

“Yes. It is the price paid to become what we are.”

“But it is a price I want to pay.”

He took the opportunity during Hong-bin’s stunned stupor to quickly interlock their fingers like the many times Sang-hyuk had done before, squeezing just enough that he could feel the pulsing rivets shoot up his arm and fill his body. He let out a shaky breath, the sensations near overwhelming, as he let the vibrations fill him, trying to commit every one of Hong-bin’s touches to memory. He had purposefully kept from touching Hong-bin without permission, unsure where he stood despite the other’s seemingly friendly demeanor, and now that he was here, he wanted to learn it all immediately.

“You should not move faster than what you are capable of,” Hong-bin said abruptly, his words something Y21 had heard many times before. “Having your body replaced is not something done just for skin tests alone; doing it too quickly can cause your body to break down. You should make sure you are ready first.”

Y21 blinked, not having been ready for such an answer. “You do not want to reprimand me for wanting to replace parts of myself?”

Hong-bin’s face betrayed nothing. “I understand what it is like to have the sense of touch introduced to you so late. It is addicting, and I can understand why you are eager to have more. However,” his hand moved up to run down the side of Y21’s cheek, the touch lost on him but seeming to hold much more to Hong-bin, “once you start, you will not be the same. You are still you now, and that is something I am sure Sang-hyuk is trying to keep. Once you start, you will become like me, and that is something I am trying to keep from you.”

“How much have they replaced of you?”

Hong-bin pulled away, taking no time pulling his shirt over his head and baring his chest for him to see. Here, Y21 could clearly see the patches of darkened skin that covered Hong-bin’s chest, some overlapping over his shoulder and up to his neck, the parts stitched together. With a soft brush of his fingers, Y21 could feel the wrinkles that filled the dark skin, the texture so different form the cold softness of his arms. Hong-bin sighed, removing Y21’s hand and patting it gently.

“Everything of me has been replaced, though the reasoning behind my replacements are different than yours. Yours was to give you touch, nothing else. But it will have to be done again in time.” He himself the dark skin, pinching it between his fingers. “Once the skin grows old, it weathers away until it peels off. They will then have to give you a new set.”

Y21 was fascinated. “I did not know this. Is that what you had to do?”

Hong-bin nodded, smiling when he saw the interest in Y21’s eyes. “It will eventually happen to your hand too.”

“I do not mind. I want to feel; like you. I want to feel you, Hong-bin.” When Hong-bin did nothing but stare at him, his big eyes wide, he took that moment to squeeze their fingers again, this time reveling in the pulsing sensations afterward. He met the other’s gaze, leaning forward until there was only inches between them, keeping his voice low in the way Sang-hyuk had taught him. “Hong-bin…can I touch you?”

Hong-bin let out a low hum, the sound deep and full of something Y21 was not sure was right, a mixture of fear and anticipation. “You do not have to ask me. I would never deny you of anything.” He could sense that there was something deeper behind his words that his brain just had no way of understanding, so he instead turned his focus to their hands. With slow movements, he allowed his hand to discover on its own, taking his time to see and feel everything through his skin for the first time.

It was when his hand was catching over Hong-bin’s collarbone that he realized he was actually touching Hong-bin, feeling and experiencing him in a way beyond what his eyes or ears could ever do. Y21 was mesmerized, and without knowing it began to run his hand across his wide shoulders and thick neck. The involuntary shudder that shook Hong-bin’s body sent a shudder of its own through Y21, and he had to take a steadying breath before he continued.

His hand eventually trailed up to his face, his palm cupping Hong-bin’s cheek in a way that felt strangely familiar. He found his breath curiously stuttering as he traced over every bump and crack of Hong-bin’s face; from his wide, doe eyes to the fragile curl of his lashes, each one bending gently against the push of his fingers. He trailed down to his nose, the appendage tall yet thin, the sight a stark contrast to the rounded cheekbones that lined either side. His search eventually ended with his finger catching on Hong-bin’s bottom lip, and he started at how cold it was. It held none of the warm moistness of Sang-hyuk’s lips, something he had learned meant life, but it was something Y21 found he enjoyed regardless. He blinked when he felt the lip under his fingertips stretch and pull, looking up to see Hong-bin smiling at him, the fondness clear in his eyes. When Hong-bin moved his hand up to hold his, Y21 accidentally flinched away, his finger jamming into Hong-bin’s nose.

Hong-bin laughed. “It is very strange, to experience this from the other side. I never thought I would be the one to be explored.”

Y21 blinked. “Has someone touched you like this before?”

Hong-bin shook his head, this time catching his hand and holding it still. “I had actually done this very thing to you, before you were here. It is a memory that I can remember in great detail no matter how many times I reset.”

There were many things in those words that were of great interest, though Y21 kept himself from asking them all at once, focusing on the most important. “You have not reset in a long time. Have you been getting better?”

Hong-bin sighed, leaning forward so their foreheads were pressed together, another gesture that seemed to hold great significance to Hong-bin. He wished he could feel the same. He really did.

“Only with you.”

At some point Hong-bin had pulled Y21 into his lap, settling him in a way that had Y21’s head resting on his chest, their legs entangled together underneath the blankets. Hong-bin had one arm wrapped around Y21’s waist while the other was up somewhere in Y21’s hair, something Hong-bin had said once gave him much pleasure. They had done this many times when together, enjoying each other’s presence that only they could give, and while Y21 could feel none of it, he loved it nonetheless. It was comforting, and familiar, so while Hong-bin ran his fingers through his hair and contently rested his cheek against Y21’s, he let himself enjoy the moment as well, rhythmically running his hand down Hong-bin’s leg.

Hong-bin was the first to speak, his voice reverberating in Y21’s ears. “They told me not to say anything. But I cannot control myself when around you.”

Y21 did not move, only continuing to play with Hong-bin’s pant leg. “I do not understand.”

Hong-bin’s whole body jerked, his arms stiffening considerably, and Y21 wondered if he was resetting, though a small turn of his head showed Hong-bin’s eyes blown wide, his mouth turned into a hard line of concentration. He looked to be struggling, his breath shaking. It took a long while before Hong-bin’s body eventually relaxed, his mouth softening with a gentle breath and his eyes blinking quickly, before he glanced over to meet Y21’s eyes. “They want to keep you clean, but I cannot follow such orders when I see you. I cannot pretend to not know.”

“Pretend about what?”

Hong-bin shook his head, leaning forward and pressing his lips against Y21’s eye. He only knew it happened because his eyes instinctively closed shut at the contact. “I am going to tell you a name, but you must promise me that you will not tell anyone else.” When Y21 frowned, he pushed forward. “You must promise not to tell Sang-hyuk, or Seok-jin. Or anyone else that visits. It has to be just between us.” Y21 tried to sit up but Hong-bin held him still, both hands moving down to hold him tight around the waist, his mouth soon beside his ear again, each sound of his breath sending shivers through his body.

“My name for you…”

Much later, after Hong-bin had left and the lights had been shut off to indicate another day has come and gone, he pressed his hand to his waist, trying to imagine Hong-bin’s hands still there. A smile was on his lips as he repeated Hong-bin’s words in his head, deciding then that he liked the name, and he would keep his promise.

It would be theirs alone.