MIRA'S POV:

"Eonnie, Sorim eonnie has been invading my room since you left. Can you please tell her to decently disappear?" The younger girl whispered her complaint from the other line.

"Yah! It was you who kept crying about how much you miss Gia and begged me to keep you company till we returned to our dorms, okay? And Gia-yah, your traitor roommate even asked me to fill in the space you left behind." The other one screamed louder in response. Obviously, she was yelling from a distance considering the echo of her high pitch.

"Ne ne. I'll believe both of you." I giggled while sipping my hot chocolate and continued listening to their never ending bickers.

It has only been a couple of days since I left Korea but the memories were starting to feel so distant as if it was a lifetime ago. The places I went and people I'd spent time with, felt like some scattered reminiscence of a sparse dream that I might forget gradually. Everything except him.

He, whom my heart belongs to.
He, where my dreams always led to.
He, whom I can never return to.

Funny how my initial purpose of the visit ended up being the inevitable reason to leave as well. And the only benefit of the trip was my now gone acrophobia. As much as I wanted to add my recollection of lost memories to that list, the pain that followed them didn't allow me to do so. Yes, I regained all of my lost memories and now I finally know who I am, or at least who I was before the accident. However, the nightmares didn't stop at all. All they did is take the form of something new. Sometimes worse.

Nowadays, I keep dreaming of him. Every single day to be precise. Some days, I will dream of our happy times together from both past and recent times. Some days, all I could see is the sight of him breaking down and crying his soul out like a lost little child as I broke his heart all over again. These days I often found myself sinking in his songs at the middle of night and only now, I could completely relate to his lyrics.

Love had indeed become a nightmare for me now. And it looks like I've gained myself but lost him in the process.

"JI AH, EONNIE! Are you still there?" Jiwon stopped the stream of spilling tears from my eyes as she yelled louder than necessary from the other end.

"Ne ne. I'm still here, Jiwon-ah. Gosh girl, you don't have to yell that loud. I'm only in The States and not in Saturn." I exclaimed while wiping the tears with the back of my hand and the girl laughed a little amused.

"Ah... I miss your abnormal humor sense too... when will you come back here, eonnie?" Her bubbly voice broke a little. I could imagine her sad face with that puppy dog eyes. It always worked on me. Luckily, we were not video chatting.

"Emm... soon, Jiwon-ah. Soon. I'll surely let you know when I come. Arasseo?" I lied. I'm never stepping back in that South Korean soil ever in my life but there's no way I could say that to the lovely girl who's still expecting my return. Maybe, one day, I could be brave and tell her that I left for good and that it is too late to return now. Just like I did to her older brother.

"Arasseo!" She exclaimed back in high pitch. After which, I heard an obvious train of squabbling from both the girls in the background until finally someone decided to speak to me.

"Gia-yah... did you get them?" It was Sorim. My only friend who is close enough to claim as a best of all.

"Get what, Sorim-ah?" I could still hear Jiwon whining at the background until the sound of door being shut and locked became audible. Right away, I grasped on to my intrusive friend's inquiry.

"Did you get the concert tickets that I sent you?" I bet she didn't want Jiwon to be a part of this conversation, and trust me, so do I.

"Emm... yeah, I did. But I won't be going, you know? I guess I'd already texted you that..." I tried to escape her shot but no. Yoon Sorim's aim always hit the bull's eye.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT, KANG LAZY GIA? I had to send those precious KCON LA tickets to New York on speed mail using my own pocket money so that you'll receive them on time and fly to LA to attend the concert. And here you are being incredibly irresponsible!" She nagged me like the mother-in-law she always was but still... I won't go there. I can't go there.

"Well... I didn't ask you to send those in the first place, Yoon Nosy Sorim. You could have sold them online to get some cash. I can refund for the ticket if you want. Give me your bank details now, girl!"

"Yah! I would have willingly done that long time ago if I'd wanted money, okay! What am I supposed to do when VIXX's leader, N oppa himself personally came to find me and asked me to send those to you? Not to mention, Ken oppa's cutest pout when they requested me to do them this favor. They're both my bias and bias wrecker, okay!" Which happens to be the exact cause of all of my suspicions.

Every one of the VIXX members have been contacting me one by one since my unannounced exodus from Korea. Everyone except 'the one' and I have been successfully avoiding all of their interrogations till now. Seeing how they've gone to the extent of approaching Sorim for help clearly hints at some hidden agenda under their sleeves and I'm so not falling in that trap. Although, everything in me is dying to see his face at least from a distance, I'm afraid I might want more if I get that chance and I can't allow that to happen.

Not again.

I'm supposed to disappear from his life. Once and for all. I should go back to living like the dead. Like the way I used to do before I messed up big time. If I keep showing up like this, it'll only hurt him more and interrupt his moving on process. As for me, I've already received more than I deserved. Both in the past and recently too. It will be blatantly greedy of me to keep craving for more of the forbidden fruit despite knowing the deadly damages it brought along. I chose to let him go. So, I have to let him go.

"I have to work on that night, Sorim-ah..." I attempted once more but she shot accurately again.

"Really? That's the best alibi you could think of, Kang Gia?" Mockery was evident in her teasing tone.

"Yeap." I popped the 'P' harder than usual.

"So it has nothing to do with Wonshik at all?" My jaw literally dropped to the floor when I heard her mention his name.

"What? Ravi-shi? No... not at all. Are you in your right mind, Yoon Sorim?" Unarranged order of awkward words stumbled out as stutters as I attempted to dodge for the pathetic nth time.

"Yeah right? You know you can't fool me anymore than your own stupid self, my dear friend. Let's see. How would you explain the Sunset Cruise, Café Beach and Tree house pictures from Wonshik's phone that were taken from the very same locations that YOU apparently went to during VIXX's Southeast Asia fan meeting tours? Not to mention the exact similar souvenir you got for us from Gangwon-do as well. And yes, did you think I was invisible when Wonshik dashed into my house that day and dragged you out like he owned you? Damn, girl! Are you sure, that all the 'private tutoring' for your project with him didn't result in anything that starts with F and ends with G?"

"YOON SORIM, YOU FREAKING ERT!" I yelled in shock at her unbelievable discovery but my friend only laughed like a maniac at me.

"FEELING. I meant personal feelings, Kang Gia. Damn, who's the erted one here?" I exhaled a hassled breath of relief before she aimed the nozzle at me again.

"Anyways, don't try to dodge me. What the hell is up with the both of you? I could have easily pried it out of him but he took off the same morning you left and that too without informing his precious little sister herself. Now would you please tell me what on planet earth is going on between the two of you?"

"There is nothing going on, Sorim-ah. Nothing..." I chewed my lower lip nervously. If Sorim had noticed everything from our secret little dates at all KL, Jakarta and Bangkok specifically till the last confrontation in her house, she must have already done more research than she's spilling right now. She is only waiting for me to say the word. Yoon Sorim is intrusive like that.

"Come on, Gia-yah. I'm only trying to help. You should revert whatever damage you did before it's too late." Although I knew her intentions were good, I still couldn't allow her to do anything because little did she know, that it is already too late.

"If you truly want to help me... then let me be, please. It is for the best, Sorim-ah. Trust me..."

"Look, I know you don't want to get hurt and it is only natural. It is certainly not easy to be an idol's sister, let alone a love interest. But can't you at least give him a chance? Jiwon said that he sounded like a dead man when she called..."

That's because I killed him. Although I'd rather have him killing me as a punishment, I don't have the rights for that either because even that feels like a lot more than I deserve.

"Gia-yah... please, go to the concert. You shouldn't keep running away like this and let me tell you my friend... it is never too late to turn back. Not when the other person is waiting at the other end for you to turn back and look at them. Do it, Gia. Do it while you still can."

★

Flashback ~
Seoul Olympic Fencing Gymnasium, 2009.

"My memories that were
Hidden away somewhere
Suddenly pour out thoughts of you
In the length of an entire day
Would you also have thoughts of me?

What we had was far from being called "love"
But it's still too early to forget
I'm caught between love and separation today too
Spinning in tears
While breathlessly searching for you..."

The ever so soothing magical voice of none other than the one and only Park Hyo Shin oppa echoed peacefully even in that extremely crowded space. The depth of his dreamy voice had every last person in that huge arena to feel spellbound, including the always annoying boy who was unusually quiet beside me.

"Magical isn't it? That's our oppa-yah... thank you for bringing me here, Won-ah. You're the best!" I exclaimed with starry eyes while my body kept swaying to the sweet melody that serenaded the air.

"You should be thanking Binnie actually, Mira-yah. It was him who was dying to attend The Gift Concert but what to do? Luck left his side this time, I guess..." And sided with me for sure. That's why I got to watch this godly concert in his place. Either way I indeed had to thank whoever this Binnie was.

However, the deep voice of the boy behind me sounded too low but too close. I could even feel his warm breath wafting the back of my neck and that's when I realized how close we were standing to each other actually. He was pretty much shielding my smaller frame with his larger one from the back and he was speaking in whispers in order to not disrupt the immense peace inside that huge arena.

"Say that I thanked your Binnie sincerely from my Soultree heart..." I whispered back without turning around and I could feel him smiling behind me. Shortly, I felt a hand wearing blue LED light wristband similar to my own, wrap around me from the back, followed by the soft whisper of its owner.

"Do you think that I'll be able to perform here someday too?" His voice was so low without a single hint of confidence.

"Of course you will. What's there to even ask?" I announced like a matter of fact but the boy only heaved a long sigh before securing his other arm around me as well.

"I don't know... look at this crowd. Park Hyo Shin-shi is a superstar. He's our idol. Even when I meet him in the agency a lot of times, it still feels surreal to see him like this. At times, I'm worried that I might not be able to reach the sky like he did..." His embrace was not firm, just like his frustrated mind. Placing my hands on his, I leaned back a little into his chest as he froze a little at my sudden gesture.

"You are more capable than you believe you are, Won-ah. Trust me... you're definitely going to hold concerts in this very same arena. Actually... no. I think you will need a bigger one. Maybe one as big as the gymnastics arena and my instincts strongly predicts that you would be performing there for more than once, Kim Wonshik." I heard him chuckle a little at my response but he chose not to second guess my instincts, I guessed because he didn't deny my statement.

"You are definitely going to reach the sky like he did, Won-ah. You're going to reach even higher and I bet you are going to soar like a firework." I slightly bumped my head with his chin as he chuckled like music once again.

"Thank you for always believing in me, Mira-yah. You're truly a muse to me..." He buried his face in my shoulder before slowly releasing me from his embrace. As I turned around to finally look at his face, he was sincerely smiling from his eyes.

"Is that your way of inviting me to your concerts? I'm a true Park Hyoshin fan girl, you see." I was intentionally playing hard to get but the boy only smiled wider.

"Well... Then will you please be my muse and come to my concerts too, Choi Mira-shi?" He asked ardently. His eyes were twinkling under the huge sea of LED wristbands. I pretended to think for a while before happily taking his hands in mine.

"Every one of them, Kim Wonshik-shi."

★

"Fool, where are you? Can you not leave me?
I'm still standing in the place
Where I let you go
In my head and in my heart
I still long for you
So I cry again until I lose my breath
After loving you..."

The lines of that painful melody played ironically as I waited for my turn to enter the huge hall. It was an obvious mistake on my part to transfer all the songs from his old mp3 player that I brought along to my hand phone. Although the melodies were all addictive and almost half of the playlist was filled with Park Hyoshin's songs, only now I actually paid attention to the depth of his lyrics. Every song held different pain. Every line conveyed different emotion.

Altogether, every single song in that sad playlist reminded me of my stupid self from the past and the sweet boy who still loved me despite the silliness. I remembered attending The Gift Concert with him for the first time and how I'd promised to attend all of his concerts someday too. Fortunately, I got to keep my words for once at least. And my mind thoughtlessly wandered back to his words from that very night.

Was I really his muse all along?

I shook that optimistic thought off almost immediately and opted to pay attention to something else. My hands kept scrolling over my empty inbox as I waited for Lina's reply. She was supposed to follow me from the hotel but then she had to stop somewhere to buy things for Junho and Noel. So, she said she'll catch up soon but I still haven't heard from her yet. Yes, it may sound stupid to bring your foster mother to watch your epic ex perform on stage but she is the only person who can save me if I happened to have any emotional breakdowns.

"You can use this door to get to the backstage, Miss." Breaking out of my trance, I was immediately taken aback by the buffy bouncer's words.

"I'm sorry. The door to where?" He must have mistaken, I convinced myself.

"The backstage, Miss. Your ticket is actually a crew pass that has permit to enter backstage as well if you didn't notice. This door would lead you there." Lead to where? My funeral? My subconscious was already decorating her coffin with vines and white roses.

I walked down the busy corridor with the crew pass hanging around my neck. Though it gave me authority, it actually felt like a noose that's ready to choke me anytime. Hell a lot of idols and celebrities were swarming in and out of each room in that corridor and it smelled like professional makeups and perfumes everywhere. As I walked pass a certain door, a few familiar voices caught my attention and one in particular caught my breath. Hesitantly, I turned around to look at that forbidden door and yes it had a tag written 'VIXX' hanging on it just like I'd guessed. I felt a sudden pain spread in my chest as I clutched onto my top for support.

He was right behind that door and it'll only take a heartbeat for me to walk in. Unfortunately, I can't.

In all conscience, I awfully regretted listening to Sorim and wanting to see his face from far at least. Who knew that it would ache like death only from hearing his voice? Not me for sure. As I heard a few footsteps approaching the door from the other side, I found myself sprinting into the farther back of that crowded corridor. I rammed with a lot of