☾i'm missing you,

and i dont know what to do

these pictures just remind me of you,

i miss you.

is it you who changed?

or was it i who changed?

yes i do hate you, you broke me too

but not for one day i didn't think of you ☽

SPRING DAY - BTS

Reaching for the shower tap, Yongsun turned off the water. Both her hands got up to her face to rub away the water that was on her eyes and she slowly opened them, before stepping out of the shower and putting a towel around her body. The room was damp and warm from the long mornign shower she just had. Rubbing the mirror with one hand while holding the towel with the other, she quickly could see her wet self. ‘’You look like a lost puppy’’ she though to herself, before shaking her head quickly. It didnt take long before her eyes met the reflection again, and she breathed out slowly.

Today was the day.

It’s been 4 days since she sent the mail. 3 days and 23 hours since she got a reply from Wheein. Its been 2 days since they officially landed in USA and arrived to LA. They were in the same city as her right now. They hadn’t been this close in, well, in six years. And today, 0 days from this moment, she would meet them again. In person. For real.

It wasn’t only her that was on Yongsun’s mind. Well, it was mostly her. But Hyejin and Wheein was taking up a bit part of brain too. They used to be best friends. Yongsun could remember their times together. They had clicked perfectly. She wondered if they still would. If they still laughed at the same jokes and didn’t need to speak to unnderstand what the other would say. Of course Wheein and Hyejin would still be like that, but would there still be room for her? And Byul-yi. Byul-yi wasn’t origianlly friends with Hyejin and Wheein, Yongsun had introduced them. Byul-yi was actually concidered ‘’too popular’’ back then in school to hang out with the three of them. But she still did. And you could tell easily that she had enjoyed their company much more than with her other friends. Yongsun had noticed it, how she almost changed personality around the other friends.

But it was silly of her to think like this. It’s been six years. That’s a long time of not talking to each other. And a long time of bonding. Without her.

But still, Wheein wanted to meet up. And in her reply she told Yongsun she had talked with the others and they wanted too. They wanted to meet her.

She wanted to meet her.

Yongsun quickly shook her head to get rid of the thought of her. It’s so weird how someone that meant so much to you disappear from your life just like that. And after six years of being gone, how that person can make you so confused.

Yongsub quickly rubbed her eyes, before drying herself up with her towel. When finished, she put it on her head, and started getting dressed. She had planned her outfit the night before. It felt so formal, almost like she was going to a really important job interview today. That’s the same type of butterflies she was feeling in her stomach right now.

With her clothes on, she looked at herself in the mirror. On her shoulders was a striped, spaggeti-top crop-top, paired with tightfitting black jeans and an oversized denim jacket. She didn’t look underdressed, did she? Or weird? Was she gonna look fashionable in their eyes, with different beauty standards? Why was she caring so much about this?

Shaking her head to get rid of the thought once more, she took the towel of her hair, revealing her half-dried hair. Back then, she had never done anything with her hair. It had been long and brown. Now, it’s chopped. Alot compared to then. Then, her hair reach long down on her back. Now, it just passed her shoulder, right above her s. And if that’s not enough, it was also pink. She wondered if the others had done anything with their apperance. Maybe someone have gotten a piercing, or a tattoo? Would she be able to recognize them? Yongsun wondered about all these question while drying up her hair.

Once it was completely dry, Yongsun had gotten her makeup-bag and a hand mirror, before going to her chair next to the window to do her makeup. Living in an appartment in the 12th floor, she had quite the view. The appartment wasn’t big at all, but that wasn’t what had sold it for her. It was the view. You could practically see the whole city from here.

She had started out light on the makeup. But after working so carefully on the eye makeup to not make it pop out and look unnatural, she got bored. Up till now her face fitted the korean standard of makeup, but it felt kind of unnormal for her. WHy was she trying so hard to impress them? So that’s why, when she was picking a lip color, she went for the brightest dark-pink she owned and covered her entire lips in it. It matched her nails and she felt more comfortable right away.

Getting up and making her way over to the mirror again,she looked at herself.

‘’What would you think if you saw you?’’ Yongsun thought to herself, before turning in different angles. FInally, her eyes lande don her hair.

‘’I would think your hair looked dead. Flat and dead and boring.’’ She thought to herself, and was quick to find a heat wand, so she could make some waves in it.

While waving her hair, Yongsun was staring at the mirror, humming.

‘’Hello.’’ She suddenly said in korea to herself.

‘’Hi. Hello. Good day.’’ Practicing different ways to greet them in, she continued talking to herself in korean. Back then, she stillw asn’t fluent in korean. Now it’s been six years since she spoke it, so despite herself forcing herself to think and speak as much korean to herself these last days, she was sitll really worried that it would be a problem.

‘’Long time, no see!’’

‘’Why did we lose contact? I have missed you guys so much.’’

‘’You all are good friends? THat’s really good, that you have each other.’’

‘’Do you ever talk about me?’’

‘’Is it weird for you to be here right now? It’s really werid for me.’’

‘’I have an uncomfertable feeling in my stomach. I’m not comfertable now.’’

‘’You guys aren’t either?’’

‘’Oh, you were glad I left? You didnt think about me at all?

‘’Not even you? Of course you got over me quickly. Of course.

‘’I was aching for a long time. Had problems with other relationships. But that’s silly and in the past and just teenage drama. We are grown now, right?’’

Yongsun had to stop talking when she realised she was getting off track and her eyes were getting blank.

‘’Solar, stop. You just did your makeup, dont cry. That’s stupid.’’

Quickly blinking away the possible tears, she put her heating wand down. That’s right, they would call her Yongsun. Or maybe even Yong. She was so used to Solar, which was her American name. It was only her mother that used Yongsun here, whenever they would talk to each other on the phone.

The pink-headed girl looked over at the clock. 1:00PM. They were gonna meet up at a cafe pretty central that Yongsun had recommended at 1:45PM. She should get going soon. Looking at herself in the mirror once more, going over everything from her makeup, to hair to clothes, she approved of herself. She looked like, well, herself.

After cleaning up everything, finding her pink see-through sunglasses-but-not-really-sunglasses, and purse, fishing up her car keys from the kitchen counter and went to the hallway to put on her shoes. Just a simple pair of white sneakers. Tom, named after Tom from Tom and Jerry, came up to her. Yongsun petted her brown cat, before standing up before him.

‘’Do I look acceptable?’’ she said snickering at the cat. He looked like he couldn’t care less, and Yongsun pushed him playfully away.

‘’Okay Tom, I’m leaving. Bye!’’ she said in korean and waved at her cat, before exiting the door and locking it.

It’s 1:50PM. The car was parked and she was soon there. Soon at the cafe where she would meet them again. Her heart was beating so hard that it almost felt like it would fly out of her chest at any minute. The biggest ball of nervousness, excitement, scared and hundered other emotions had gathered in her stomach, and she would give everything in the would to get rid of it. What would they think of her when they saw her again? What would she think?

Yongusn still remembered her last words. Their last promise together at that airport, six years ago. That number kept popping up in her head, and it felt so strange because it was like ‘it’s only been six years? I thought more time had passed’, but at the same time it was like ‘it’s been six years? I didn’t think that much time had passed’. She was confused by her own head and confused by the situation she was about to enter. If she could, she probably would have ran in the opposite direction. But something was hindering her. Something inside her was pulling her towards the cafe.

She was there. 20 meters in front of here was the cafe, and they were sitting inside. Just 20 meters and past the door, and she would meet them again. Her. The clock was 1:55PM. She was 10 minutes late, but it’s okay. They probably have gotten a table and ordered.

‘’Calm down, its okay. You’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.’’ She kept thinking to herself. While walking the last 20 meter, really slowly. As soon as she was just outside the door, she could already tell the cafe was full. Stopping in her place, she straightened her top and double checked that there was no lipstick on her teeth. Taking a long breath out, she started looking around the cafe thought the glassdoor, seeing if she spotted them. When she couldnt see them at first, it was almost like she got filled with hope and disappointment at the same time.

That was until her eyes landed on the table. At the very left, towards the window, there was a booth with three girls. She only looked at them for seconds before looking away and taking a step back. If she thought her heart was beating fast before, now it was running a marathon, fighting to get out of her chest. Her hand started shaking and her breathing became irregular, without even realising it herself. She made herself look up again.

It was them. But also not them. But it was them. They looked like another version of themself. Older. Different. Happier. She could clearly see Wheein and Hyejin’s faces. They didn’t look like children anymore. Their chubby cheeks were gone and almost child-like features were gone. Hyejin’s features had gotten really strong. She was so beautiful. Yongsun shifted her eyes over at Wheein. She was laughing at something, and her dimples was really showing. Her hair had gotten lighter. It was still brown, but a really light brown. Hyejin had bleached it all, it was so blonde.

There they were. Her former bestfriends. Just like that. It was almost like a dream, it didn’t feel like reality at all. She was waiting for Tom to jump on her face, waking her up and looking at her like ‘Hah, you though you would ever meet them again? You’re stupid’. But there they were. Alive and well and here. In front of her. It’s them.

She was there too. But she was sitting with her back to Yongsun. She could only see the back of her head. But the back of her head was enough. She knew it was her. That’s one thing that definitely hadn’t changed in the six years, she would still be able to spot her in the biggest crowd of people.

Her hair color was the same, but also no. It was still pitch black, like it always have been. But sitting there, next to the window with the sunlight hitting it, Yongsun could tell it was a shade of blue. Dark, dark almost black-blue, but nevertheless, blue. It was pretty. They were pretty. They looked pretty together.

After a couple deep breathes in and out, she took the first step towards the door. And the secound. And then grabbed the door and pushed it. To bell rang, as it do everytime someone enters the door, but his time Yongsun felt like it volum was turned up so everyone would be informed that ‘Kim Solar Yongsun had entered the building!’. Of course this was just in her head. But the trio at the booth reacted to the bell, as if they were waiting for someone. Because they was.

Yongsun didn’t dare to look at her. Instead, she got eyecontact with Wheein. It took a couple of secounds before the puppy recognized her, Yongsun could tell. When that ‘’oh… Oh!’’ face appeared on the younger girls face, Yongsun reached up to her sunglasses to take them off and offered her a new, bigger smile.

She saw her in the corner of her eye. She wasn’t doing anything, but Yongsun could feel her eyes on herself. She had to clench her fist to not shake, she couldn’t control her body. It felt like it was shutting down, she couldn’t explain the emotions she felt even if she tried.

Wheein wasn’t slow on reaction after realising it was Yongsun. She popped up from her seat, mumbled somthing to the two other girls, before sprinting over to Yongsun.

‘’Yongsuuuun!’’ she almost yelled, before running into the other girl and closing her arms around the older girls. No wonder they used to call her puppy. That hasn’t changed.

Yongsun laughed. So much of her stressing fell off her shoulders with this reaction from Wheein. The pink-haired girl felt so happy that Wheein wasn’t awkward with her. It really showed that she had genuinly missed her. As Yongsun had missed her too. Hugging the shorter girl back and shaking her a bit back and forth, she decided to not act awkward around them, decpite the years apart.

‘’Wheeinah! I have missed you too much.’’ Yongsun tried carefully in korean. Wheein noticed the unsureness of her words and laughed, breaking the hug and looking at her, before squeezing her cheeks.

‘’Aigoo, our unnie is struggling with her korean. So cuteee~’’ Wheein teased, before poking her tounge out at her. Yongsun jokingly pushed the younger girls arms away.

‘’Hey, it’s been six years! It’s not my fault. It's difficult to keep up a language in a country where literally no one speaks it.’’ She defended herself, with a silly undertone. Wheein got silent for a second, before smiling.

‘’It’s really been six years, huh?’’

Yongsun looked at Wheein, but could only focus on the girl in the corner of her eyes. She was staring at her. The temporary feeling of stress being gone was over, and she felt her heart pick up the pace again.

‘’Wheein, you said your friend would be here at 1:30PM. It’s 1:45PM and she isn’t here yet.’’ Byul-yi complained, while stirring in her juice.

Okay, so Wheein may not have told Byul-yi and Hyejin about meeting up with Yongsun. Not the 100% real truth anyways. She did tell them she wanted to meet up with an old friend, and they agreed to that. But she excluded Yongsun’s name. Everytime they brought her up after they got seperated, Byul-yi got weird and silent. Neither Hyejin and Wheein could understand what kind of feelings and thoughts she had towards Yongsun. They realised it was complicated. Which was understandable. Everytime they mentioned her, they made sure enough time had passed since the last time, but she reacted the same way every time. Silence, answering in weird sentences. Even after six years, it’s still like that. So Wheein decided not to include her name. Call it a surprise.

‘’I didn’t say she would be here at 1:30. I said we should be there by then, so we could get a table before she would come. She is going to be here 1:45.’’ Wheein explained.

‘’Okay, but why isn’t she here yet then?’’ Byul-yi continued to complain. Hyejin wasn’t taking part in the conversation but rather focusing on eating her blueberry muffin.

‘’You are as impatient as a toddler Moon. She will be here. She promised.’’

‘’She better. And she better be really fun to talk to, or we wasted a day in LA on this.’’ Byul-yi teases Wheein, before taking a sip of her orange juice. Wheein snorts at this.

‘’Wasted a day? We are staying for a month princess, ‘’ Wheein replied, before sticking her tounge out at the older girl.

The bell ringed, meaning someone entered the cafe. Wheein and Hyejin’s eyes quickly looked at the door, and Byul-yi turned her head to look. Just a mom with her twins. Wheein breathed out a bit disappointed, before quickly looking down on her phone. 1:37PM.

‘’Hey, afterwards, what are we doing? Hanging out with this mystery friend? That’s a bit scary, don’t you think Byul-yi? Hanging out with someone we dont know?’’ Hyejin jokingly started the conversation again so there wouldn’t be silence between them.

‘’Definitely. What if she like, a serial killer? And she kidnaps us and puts us in her creepy-homemade dungeon? Then this trip is definitely wasted.’’ Byul-yi agrees and plays along with Hyejin’s joke.

A smile appears on Wheein’s face. ‘’You figured out my and hers masterplan. Damn it.’’

‘’But why can’t you tell us who she is? How you know her?’’ Hyejin puts away her muffin and turns her head to look at Wheein.

‘’You’ll understand when we meet her.’’

‘’Is it Beyonce?’’

‘’Definitely.’’

The door rings again. All three girls look towards the door. It’s just some kid with a skateboard. Hyejin exhales loudly.

‘’She is never coming, is she? Is this a prank? You are gonna see how long we will sit her waiting for your so-called friend? Huh? Dont lie, I see right trough you Jung Wheein!’’ Hyejin starts joking around, getting closer and closer up in her face, almost like a thug would do, for each question. This makes Byul-yi laugh, and when Byul-yi laughs Hyejin starts laughing too. Wheein tried her best to hold her own laugh, while pushing Hyejin off.

‘’Aish, you are so lame. If I got 1000 won for everytime you jo-‘’ The bell goes off again, cutting of Wheein, and the girls eyes all hit the person that just entered the door.

It takes a secound for them all to realise who it is.

‘’No. No, it’s not possible.’’ Byul-yi, with head and eyes turned towards the person in the door, reached towards her own thigh and begins pinching it. Harder and harder. But no matter how hard she pinches, the girl is still standing here. It’s not a dream. But how can it not be a dream? How can she stand right there? It doesn’t make sense, not at all. She’s numb, unable to grasp the situation and unable to realise that she is staring. Staring right at her face. She is also unable to realise that she isn’t looking back at her.

It’s for sure the face she lost. It’s the sun. How can a person that she would give the world to once, that she would give her life to and that she lost so quickly after such a short time together just suddenly stand there. If this is the universe trying to be kind, it’s not working. Even when the universe is working with them, it’s still cruel. Because this is painful. Pain. That’s the emotion that’s hitting Byul-yi first. Right after pain comes anger. Anger and pain. Both at Yongsun and at everything else. At her parents, at society, at Wheein, at Korea, at America, at the universe. This is not fair. It’s not fair at all. She can’t just walk in like this. Why is she doing this? How is she still so beautiful?

She is still beautiful.

Everything about her face is Yongsun. It’s her Yongsun.

But the thing is, it’s not her Yongsun. Because this Yongsun right here, she isn’t hers. She was hers six years ago. She was hers when she made that last promise to her. She was hers when they had that last kiss together. But now, six years later, she isn’t hers.

Suddenly, it feels difficult to breath. She has frozen completely, but every single part of her on the inside is working like crazy against her will. Her palms are getting sweaty, and she feels a shiver thorugh her body. Why? She thought it was over. The dreams and nightmares stopped three years ago. Stalking her social media stopped two years ago. Emotions didn’t come flowing back as easily one year ago. It’s been six years, and she was almost over her. She had almost exited the backdoor of her head, and here she was, entering it again from the front. Why?

Byul-yi falls back into reality when Wheein starts talking, but her eyes are never leaving Yongsun.

‘’Ehh, surprise? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but I wasntsurehowyouwould reactokay-‘’ she mumbles really quickly, before standing up and almost yelling. ‘’Yongsuuuun!’’. And she ran off towards her, hugging her.

Wheein is hugging Yongsun.

Yongsun is here in the same cafe as them.

She is in the same cafe as Yongsun.

Byul-yi’s eyes never leave Yongsun’s face, not even once.

It’s really her. She stops pinching herself.

------------

au: please tell me if any spelling mistakes are bothering you too badly! right now, since im feeling this creative, i wanna write and post a chapter every single day and spell-checking too much may kill my creativity boost, so i'll do it later, but please tell me if anything is too bad! (maybe i'll look over it in the morning who knows hihi)

comments really motivate me and makes me happy and gives me more inspiration to write more, so im really really really happy if you leave on <3 also, since nothing it planned with this fic, if you want to come with suggestion to what you want to happen, please do so! thank you, see you in the next chapter :D

aaaalso, as i wrote with yongsun last time, byul-yi isnt like ''omg she is here i love her!!!' but more like she really struggled and worked hard with letting yongsun go, because of all she went through because of her. so seeing her there in front of her suddenly like this, her head and body doesnt know how to react because she doent even know what she thinks and feel about the girl anymore. hope this makes sense!