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Welcome to your Tape. I am not Hannah Baker but these are all the things I want to say. Do not worry, this will be the last so I made the most out of it.

It was 6th of April and it marked the second month when you went away. I was trying to move on already from you since it was already stuck in my mind that there is a below par probability that you will come back. I became sad for a while and tried to convince myself that life goes on despite the emptiness that I am feeling inside.

Yes, my feelings were an ocean that was deeper than what I expect and that I was drowning excessively, wanting and needing to get over it. It was kind of difficult to do something that you are extrinsically motivated in. I am not the type to actually persuade myself in doing something which I do not want to in the first place.

However, I was surprised because my friend suddenly found you. It was the one who forwarded this to you so he asked to be messaged. He was one of the few who I told about my feelings for you and I experienced the certain emotions which is similar to the one I felt when I was certain that I am in love with you. The excitement being brought by the adrenaline rush and the nervousness lingered within me. I even stopped what I am doing that time just so I could message you saying that you are back and how much I missed you.

But then again, certain things made me hesitant all over again. I guess this is the effect of my overthinking.

You disappeared February 25, 2017 so it has been two months. The thought of either you remembering or forgetting about me crossed my mind, which somewhat removed those feelings stated above. I also remembered how people in the past easily forgotten about me. That is how I am, a waiting shed and a memory that is easily discarded in an inconspicuous manner.

Now let us go back to what happened.

I sent you a message, asking if you remembered me. I told you my name and how we used to call each other: cucumber and potato. Yeah, that "Harry Potato and the Cucumber of Secrets". It was cringe-worthy, yet unique at the same time. I waited for your response, hoping we will be reunited as friends. My feelings started to become alive once again because all I ever wanted is for you to come back.

"I do not think we have ever talked before."

Those words of yours stabbed me completely like swords and knives, honestly. To my surprise, I was in tears when you said that.

How can you easily forgotten about me, when I was the one who was there for you most of the time?

How could you?

That moment, I realized that I really still am in love with you, although I already decided to open my heart to someone else and make myself available. To tell you the truth, my ex-boyfriend and I just broke up after a month since he wanted to leave and focus on his real life. I opened my heart to him and had a relationship. It was awesome because we went to the same university back in college. I thought I was already over you, but I guess I am back to start, still having feelings for you. We became friends and he was the first ex who I became friends with. But he probably got sick because all I ever mention is you and his attitude was somewhat exasperating, enough said.

I should not have told people that I am in love with you. Because the more I do, the more I fall deeper.

I knew what I wanted in the first place.

It has always been you, only you.

Even if I tried to forget about you, I just ing cannot do so. Because in the first place, I did not want to forget you after all.

you, you very much.

But then again, you trolled me again, welcoming me back into your life.

you, you very much.

It was all good. We have our usual talks. You, being the bully and me being bubbly and random. But the difference is, I kept my cool in all things.

You were even conceited enough to tell me that I would still love you regardless of how long you were gone. You really are smart to know all that because all this time, I was not in love with all the good in you. But rather, for who you are as a person.

I made up my mind that I would still continue showing my feelings for you but then again, I will keep my cool. That merely means that I will go with the flow between both of us. I almost cried oceans, tsunamis and different bodies of water when you were gone for months and I feel numb already to even produce a single tear.

I might end up becoming an emotionless human being or worse, a mannequin. You knew that I could no have excessive emotions, right? I cannot be extremely mad or sad because of my health.

Our talks continued for days and I just became contented of what we have. Although occasionally, you would tell me about the girls you are talking with. I kept it cool, like always because I do not have a right to be jealous. You were never mine in the first place. I just let you treat me however you want to because at the back of my mind, all that matters is us being okay, still the best of friends despite how we lost contact in the past few months.

At the back of my mind, I kept on asking myself all these questions:

"Am I not good enough?"

"Pangit ba ko?" (Am I ugly?)

"Kapalit-palit ba ko?" (Am I replaceable?)

For some reasons, I wanted to know why you can never see me at all, figuratively speaking. To be honest, I even ended up drinking and had low key urge of smoking just so I could somewhat relieve myself. Truth be told, that is how affected am I towards you. If you remember how I drunk text you, then congratulations.

But then you were gone again and I was really surprised. I am no longer devastated. It was just too sudden and for some reasons, I became neutral with my reactions. Maybe I reached the acceptance stage by which I no longer believe that both of us would end up together. Thus, I tried opening my heart once again to someone else.

 

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