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It has been months since your presence disappeared. The day before it happened, we were having so much fun with each other. You tend to bully and tease me all the time and I let you be because despite of all that, you give me reasons to smile. To be honest, right from the first day we met, you give off an enigmatic vibe which wanted me to get to know you better. I do not know but I am really into those kind of guys. It gives me thrill and excitement.

Remember when we met last December? I just randomly sent you a message since you were in need of someone to talk to and I was too since I was so lonely after I broke up with my ex on a Christmas day. To be honest, you seemed cold and distant but I tried anyway because there is no harm in trying after all. You even asked me if I am alright with late responses and I was since I know that we have different aspects of life we need to focus on. To my surprise, we started talking whenever there is time. Meeting you was a perfect timing because you distracted me through the pain I experienced back then.

At first, I was totally annoyed by you because you keep on teasing and bullying me all the time. Plus, we always have the urge to use Logic with each other, arguing with our intellects. You are the enigmatic, logical guy while I am the sapio-ual girl who hates losing. You also ended up referring to me as a "potato" and to get back at you, I started calling you "cucumber." Thus, the "Harry Potato and the Cucumber of Secrets" came to life. Between our teasing, bullying and arguments, I started to crave for your presence. And should I also mention how I got touched with your Christmas message because you gave me one stating how you appreciated me because I was patient for your replies? Well, now I did. You really know how to surprise me, indeed. Of all the people, it was you who sent me one, who was once a stranger to me.

Do you remember when I am pissed off most of the time and you  were able to calm me down with your words? I did not expect those to happen, but I am glad it did because only a few people know how to calm me down. I am a hot tempered person after all. I also remembered that you asked me the reason why I am feeling that way. Basically, some people just get into my nerves and I started hating people for that reason. Luckily you are a cucumber and I am a potato by which we are exceptional from the hatred that I am referring to.

Our talks continued and it was totally random but I do not mind. We have short conversations due to our busy schedules but each one of them is memorable. Do you also remember when you deactivated for a while and when you got reactivated I ended up unable to reply to your message and you thought I was ignoring you? I know you do not like being referred to as someone who is cute but you were. "You are ignoring me. It is okay." Those were your exact words and you were like an adorable child sulking. I do not know why but it made me feel special. Like, whoa. You are actually wanting my responses? It seemed like it. But who knows, it is just from my point of view, after all. I also remember telling my close friend how cute you were and he started teasing me towards you. I was in denial, to be honest. At the back of my mind, I thought, "Why would I like someone who annoys the hell out of me?"

However, I ate up all the words that I said. If he did not tease me about it, I would not be able to realize that I am starting to like you. Seriously, what the heck? I did not even know the exact reason. I mean, we are not really sweet with each other plus we do not talk everyday which gives less chances of getting attached to you. How could it possibly be?

Why, why, why?

Well, it just happened so deal with it. It is not like I had chosen you. My heart did so blame it instead of me. But since I am afraid of letting you know and becoming hurt once again, I started to hide it first and just stay by your side because I think that is the best decision for now.

But it was not.

The more I keep my feelings for you, the more it keeps on growing. And the next thing I know, I was already deeply crushing on you. Damn it, just damn it. I was expecting myself to like someone who treats me well as if I am a princess, but the reality is not what it is all cracked up to be. Yes, I have a crush on you so you better not crush my heart because I am not an ice and that I am fragile, more than you ever know. I want to let you know not because I want you to feel the same way but rather, I could no longer take this and keep it a secret from you.

But when I was about to tell you my feelings...

I saw your status that you are in a relationship.

I tried to convince myself that it was okay because you do not know my feelings anyway, plus you would not want to be with this sulking potato anyway.

But hell, I can feel my heart breaking into pieces. I do not care if it was hyperbole or something, but that is the best description that I can give. It was too painful and it hurts so much, I do not know what to say.

I remembered when you asked me how I was and I told you that I was crying. You instantly asked who made me cry and referred to that person as a bastard. So basically, you were referring to yourself.

But how can I tell you that you are the reason for my tears? Plus the fact that I just woke up after seeing that status of yours made me in pain. Wow, it sure is a wonderful way of waking up in the morning. Yes, I am sarcastic, do take note of it.

Should I tell you the way I feel or pretend that it is okay?

I am not good with lying. I prefer being frank and blunt because it requires less effort.

You even asked me who is the bastard who made me cry once again. I sighed a little because I am in a dilemma whether I should tell you the truth or not. But then, I was persuaded to do so because you are getting mad. Aside from that, you wanted to know what you did exactly. Truth be told but, you did not do anything wrong. It is just my heart that started to like you.

You are just an annoying brat who ruins my day sometimes by bullying me but at the same time, someone who I could not last a day without. 

Why is it easy to say those teasing and bullying words that meant the opposite of what I have to say but not the actual romantic words?

I would rather say "You are an idiot." Than saying "I love you."

You did not know what to say after I confessed. It took me a lot of courage but at least you knew, although its too late. I would have told you earlier, but my feelings were unsure and when I was certain, it was too late because you belonged to someone else.

It was an indirect rejection and you made the conversation become less serious by being the conceited guy you were, you told me that you were used to getting confessions. You were known by many and I keep myself low key due to some people who are salty towards me.

"But you know what? When someone rejects me, I stay away for good, not wanting anything to do with that person anymore."

Those were my exact words. To be honest, I only say those as my defense mechanism because staying away from the person causing you so much pain is one way of letting go and moving on. I wanted to stay, but the idea of you belonging to someone else just kills my heart softly.

"Do you really want to leave me?"

Of course I was lying. Damn it, I could not leave you when I am still here, having feelings for you. How can I forget someone who gave me a lot of things to remember? I do not have an amnesia.

"Fine, I will stay for as long as you want me to. Even if we remain friends alone."

I sighed and told you all that and let the pain be embraced by me. It is an advantage that I am used to the pain. It made me become stronger day by day and to think that you were an exception to my defense mechanism is a mere proof that I really am stronger compared to what I was before.

Yes, I was friendzoned by you. But I realized that it would be better because I get to stay beside you and you already know my feelings. It somewhat removed the thorns tormenting my heart.

We stayed as friends despite all that. I figured out that I can actually endure everything because we acted normal afterwards. I was also contented with what we have because it is better than to stay away from you. From that day on, I was willing to be a masochist just for you.

You know what? As time goes by, I started to like you more and more. Like what I have mentioned previously, you are enigmatic and I would like to describe you as cold and stoic as well but I was surprised when you revealed your supportive side towards me. You knew I was going to take up law soon and you are a medicine student. I can tell that we are a good combination, us drowning in caffeine while reading a lot, studying and lacking sleep but during our free times we would catch up with each other. During those times, we tend to get to know each other with you bullying me as always. And by getting to know each other, deep conversations arise.

We were both so done with life. Us having no directions, demotivated and feeling lifeless. The feeling wherein you are dead mentally and emotionally but physically we are still alive. Even if we rarely talk in this kind of manner, I was so happy I can share with you all the thoughts that go through my mind. You even told me that I can whine to you anytime and spam you with messages because no one is stopping me anyway. I therefore conclude that even if you are cold and secretive also, I know you have a good heart because if not, we would not last this long as friends. My heart kept on wanting you and I set aside how I got rejected by you. That is when I told to myself that I would rather be like this than to complicate the situation. Besides, I learned how to be contented and not to expect my feelings to be reciprocated. Just because you desire something does not mean you are entitled to have it on your own.

We got to know each other more and I just found out that your name was the same as my first boyfriend who broke up with me on my birthday. I even ask if it was you because there is a possibility. Aside from that, I also asked you certain information that I know about him and you said that you were him.

Just so you know, tears ran down from my eyes the moment you said that because the way you confirmed everything made me thought about a lot of things.

If you were really him, I would ask a lot of questions to satisfy the curiosity I have.

Why did you have to break up with me on my birthday?

Why did you have to hide your identity?

I.... I would ask a lot. I would seek for answers.

I was about to head to the rest room when you suddenly told me that it was a joke and you guys just ended up having similar names. A sigh of relief escaped from me and I kept on whining to you. Aside from that, your relationship status was just a dare after all and you even called me a for crying just because of that. You knew I was a crybaby and I easily sulk. Basically, you are a trolling idiot who likes my reactions.

You were laughing so hard knowing my state and told me that I was really fun to tease and during those moments, I just let ourselves be drowned in laughter for you to forget your problems once in a while. You even joked about having you instead as my boyfriend because you and my ex have the same name anyway. If only you knew how I wanted to be yours. 

That is also the time where I promised myself that I would do whatever it takes to lessen the stress you have because it is the only thing that I can. But seriously, I want to take care of you, become your nurse and be your ball of sunshine all the time. I know you have a lot of friends who you can talk to, but let me be unique in some ways.

Let me be the potato who is clingy, somewhat sweet, bratty and hyper all the time. You do not have to reply to me all the time through messages because I want you to focus on your health. I honestly want everything that is best for you.

I got so touched when you said you were ignoring everyone except me. For you, the other people seem uninteresting and that I am special. Little did you know that it made my heart fluttered. Days went by and we continued being like this. No commitments, just a special type of friendship with us teasing each other and forgetting all the bad memories and stress we have. I love how you spam me with messages and wait for me to wake up even if you need to go. I wish I would have awaken earlier so we could have time with each other. You are a doctor in the making, after all. It is inevitable not to have feelings for you but there is one thing that hindered me and I knew what my limits were.

"Do not put your heart on it because I might misinterpret it."

But you do not have to misinterpret it because I meant everything that I said. It is just that I have not told you all these cheesy stuff because I was not good in expressing myself.

Why is it hard to tell you my feelings but easy to insult and joke with you all the time?

It was easier being mean because that is how I showed myself. That is how I was and we were not into drama that much.

I questioned myself all over again, yet I never questioned you. In the end, I was just contented of what we have.

Despite your busy schedule, I feel so surprised how you cleared it for me. Simple efforts like that make me smile and feel important, even if I know that we are just friends. But then, I let you sleep because I know you needed it. That reminded me of the time wherein you told me to sleep as much as I can because if I study law, I will be deprived by it. I followed everything you said because you are more experienced that I am.

Valentines came and I had the urge to send you a message telling you how thankful I am that you are able to bear with me in the past few months despite how I am as a human- no, potato. I was surprised you responded in a favorable manner and allowed me to bully you more. I never had a boyfriend to celebrate that day with but you made it special.

I love your way of bullying me despite of how you treat me as a kid.

I love your enigmatic attitude and how reserved you are.

I love your jokes, logics and arguments with me.

I love waking up with messages from you.

I love how you remind me of my well-being when you yourself are having difficulties with life.

I love everything about you, whether they are good or bad. You become more perfect the more I get to know you better.

But most of all, I love you.

And so a potato fell in love with a cucumber.

However, you just disappeared without a trace.

Do you still remember when you told me to stay because you do not want people leaving you simultaneously?

Do you still remember our conversation that you and I are going to celebrate my birthday together so I can forget my last one to where my ex boyfriend broke up with me? We even made a contract to each other and when one does not comply will be sued for doing "breach of contract."

Do you? Or all those words were just lies and you said them impulsively?

Perhaps you were just in a good mood that time? They say that you should not say anything or make decisions based on temporary emotions.

I miss you and I was devastated when you were gone. Why is it so easy for people to leave me? What about your promises?

I seemed so stupid, wanting you back even if you were not mine in the first place. People, especially your friends are telling me you are not going to come back anymore because you are busy, sick and tired. It is also the same exact thing that you told me.

Nevertheless, all the words you said and what we talked about before you left still lingers in my mind. Our laughs, moments and all the memories. I know it is only me remembering all those but it does not matter. I guess you are the type of person who I fell in love with but then even if I experienced numerous pains from being with you, I still wish you all the best.

I do not know where you are right now but what we had, most probably a forgettable fling, was fun while it lasted. Even if I still hope for you to return and come back, I would still move on because life goes on. Wherever you are right now, I wish you all the best. I know you will become a doctor in the future and so am I. You are going to be a medical doctor and I am going to be a juris doctor.

We may not have been together in the end, but what we had is an awesome lesson. The two of us would have been a great combination. This taught me the following: First, that I should express my feelings more. If I could turn back time, believe me I would, not that I could. Second, when you love someone, you do not expect for them to love you back and let things be, not trapping them into something suffocating. Loving someone, according to Buddha, is like having a plant with flowers. If it is only a shallow liking, you would pick all of its flowers. But when it is love, you instead water the plant itself so it could grow more and have more flowers. Who knows, it might become a garden. Lastly, loving someone is wanting them to become happy, even if their happiness does not include you. Those might have been cliche, but they are cliche for a reason.

For the last time, I love you cucumber. Thank you for everything. I am sorry for all my wrongdoings and until we meet again. Even if I am in pain right now, just let me be because I need time to completely forget about you. I am slowly giving up and letting go, for the sake of your happiness. I hope that even just for seconds I would cross your mind and you remember me but I would not be able to control your mindset, cognitively speaking. Nonetheless, I am happy to meet you.

 

Love, Potato.

 

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