❝ because this is all we know. ❞

Seungwan has issues. She doesn't mean minor issues like regarding grades or worries on what colour looks the best on her.

Friendships are beginning the drain the time she has left to spare in shrinking life. Seungwan truly does not recall the period where she started dwelling deeper into this aspect, but she supposes, it involves the moment of her life where she took upon her first part-time job. Needless to say it wasn't even a significant work. She simply delivered newspaper on her dark green bicycle around the neighbourhood. It was a small pay really. A measly three dollars per stack; there were two and a half stacks every week without a pause.  

This reason was only an excuse. An explanation to keep away from intrusive and judgemental minds. She was insecure. No, it did not help being surrounding by beautiful friends constantly. It also did not rule in her favour on how undeniably oblivious each of them were to it . . . except for maybe Joohyun. She knows how to use it as an asset. It didn't matter what boys or other classmates may have called them, but can't they see it themselves?  

Sana's relentless worrisome expressions has pushed a few of her own buttons on more than one occasion. Seungwan didn't mean for it to happen, but it just did. Sometimes, caring for everyone's worries becomes burdensome for her and her mindset. Being classified as the Mother of the group did have its challenges.

Often times she wonders if everyone actually do trust her enough to tell them their worries, and some other times she wishes they wouldn't. Call it bipolarness or whatever you wish to, but Seungwan truly does not know what she truly wants. Her indecisiveness leads her into many troubles more than she can count. Today was definitely one of them.

"Are you coming to the basketball game today?" Jimin asks her out of pure curiosity as they were walking to Physical Education class down the hall.

"Probably not. I'm busy," she dismisses quite shortly, seeming a bit disinterested. Seungwan doesn't notice Jimin's face visibly fall like a leaf fluttering off a tree during the frigid, stinging winds of autumn. He was disappointed.

"Are you sure? I thought we'd all be cheering Sana on for her uphill battle in balancing her time with us and cheer practice."

Seungwan stops in the middle of the hall before blinking collectedly at him. She pulls the apple earphones out of her cherry red tinted ears and a questioning brow.

"I've watched some of her cheer practice so I know what the routine is like. Plus, she'll probably do great; there's not much to watch." Even though, she can't ignore the sharp, growing feeling of remorse crawling in the depths of her stomach resembling much like a spider. Just maybe . . . she could ditch her schedule at home and go to see Sana's game.

Jimin's growing look of disappointment isn't helping her case of trying to stay firm with her decision. Seungwan can slowly feel her barriers begin to tumble and the thoughts of going begin crashing in like a tsunami. Stop. Stop. She repeatedly tries to enchant to herself, but it's failing miserably.

"I could try to cancel my plans," she says weakly with a shameful, small smile. Her newly dyed auburn hair plastered against her heated skin. Seungwan never wished to change from her ebony black, but society’s standards shoved her into a corner of helplessness.

She wanted to do nothing more than to hide within it.

Joohyun is one of Seungwan's closest friends. It's simply because of how the elder how nutured and raised her with her honest words and kindness. There was a time when Seungwan lost sight of who she was inside. Joohyun had taken it upon her to show the latter how beautiful and exceptional life was.

"Jimin wants me to go," Seungwan groans on the phone, her voice hushed into a low whisper, "did you guys lie to him saying you were going?" 

"Oh , Taeil only has pre-booked three tickets. Not to mention, it's in a mere one hours? We need you there! It's expensive and you know that," Joohyun hisses out, not meaning to sound as sharp, but fear was beginning to tackle into her.

"I know! I understand! But they also need me," she faltered feebly. It was an internal fight between her conscience and her own personal desires. She means, it wouldn't hurt to truly miss one game right? Seungwan could always attend the others one and Taeyong has already put so much effort in booking the show for them to watch . . .

"Look, Seungwan . . . you have two choices here," Joohyun presses on before coolly continuing, "you either come or you don't. If you don't, we can simply ask Jennie. No big deal." There's an odd shuffling sound echoing in the background on the other side, and Seungwan shuts her eyes before deeply thinking.

"I've made my decision," she softly speaks, blinking at the flickering light on the ceiling of her room. Her eyes frantically darting outside the window to see if anyone was eavesdropping in on their private conversation. "I'm not going."

"Um are you sure?" the other girl mumbles, quite surprised at the younger one's selection. It seem extremely odd to reject an one-in-a-lifetime opportunity like this.

"Yeah. I can't be a bad friend," Seungwan returns with a fake smile etched across her face. Joohyun definitely could not see it, but somehow, she belives that if she can try to convince herself to remain positive in this situation, she will be it soon.

"Alright then." The older girl hangs up without another word.

Seungwan lies on her comforting bed alone to wallow up in her misery and regret over the choice she just made. Why does she even bother doing this? When it almost never goes noticed?

Sleep is a dangerous drug that Seungwan wishes to indulge herself in. But sadly, she needs to apply her makeup, self-pity or regret isn't a valid excuse to stop herself from dolling her face up. The phone lies beside her as a deadly reminder. She bites her lip in nervousness.

Basketball Game

September 20th, 2014

4:30pm

"Where's the rest of us?" Seulgi inquires with a perplexed look. They had spent at least thirty minutes just waiting on the bleachers reserving some empty spots for the other half of their group.  She had expected them all to be here at the very least to support their friend whom was having her first performance of the whole school year. The rest of them had regarded it as quite a big deal and even went out of their way to buy a fresh bouquet of dainty, lovely, small pink roses.

Taehyung, and Taeyong were also on the basketball team. It was sort of a win-win situation for all of them. They could support them all at once. Plus, they brought towels because the two had been so caught up during practice and preparation, that they forgot their own necessities.  Seungwan would have broke out laughing if she had heard about this.

"Movies," Jennie wrinkled her nose in blatant distaste as if the thought of them had irked the hell out of her this given moment in time. "Taeil, Joohyun and Seungwan all went. They tried to invite me beforehand, but it seems like Seungwan decided to go after all."

"Wow . . . " Jimin began before stopping.

"Yeah."

Jennie purses her lips into a thin, wry line as she hears the familar buzz - signalling the game is about to start. Blue, silver and white streamers start to flutter around the entrances and the teams roll in, a grand display. The loud chatters and cheers fill up the stands. It was time, and Seungwan was absent.

This would have never happened before.

Seoul's Movie Theatre

September 20th, 2014

5:00pm