*listen to Lontalius's comfortable, Hoste's haku, Troye Sivan's Ease (Vallis Alps Remix) and Emeli Sande's Breaking The Law while writing this, my heart breaks.

*this chapter revealed more about their past. The timeline of this chapter is slightly happened before the 1st chapter's timeline. This was before Seunghyun get really sick.

*Perhaps Not To Be Is To Be WIthout Your Being and Don't Go Far Off , both poems by Pablo Neruda, the love of my life.

*If you're reading this, thank you, hope you enjoyed it as much as I do :)

 

 

 

 

It was one of those days that Seunghyun hates, the day where school would invites all parents to visit their kid performing either singing, reading, doing speech in front of the class. It's not that he hates the attention from people, it's not that he hates or he can't performed, it was because he had no parents to begin with. When his friend asked whether who would come to watch him, would it be his mother or his father? He simply replied neither. Yeah, neither, because his aunt and his uncle of course would chose to attented their kids's which left Seunghyun with no relatives to attend his. He was always a fan of literature, still reads poet amazingly in front of the class and people still clap their hands for him, his homeroom teacher pat him in the back after he finished and gave him a thumbs up, at least that reassured him. He'd been hating this parent-visit day ever since he started school but today he saw the boy.

 

Strangely, he had been seeing this boy more, at the bus stop, during the bus ride, when he walked after school at night, and now when it's the parent-visit day at this very high school, in his class. And it feels strange, almost as if the others also could see the boy too, he was convinced that he was the only one whom had been seeing this boy during his school years but today, people started to pay attention to this boy. Well, it's only normal he thought, the boy looked so mesmerizing in his white apparel, white shirt paired with grey suit pants, and he still saw the halo on top of that boy's blonde hair, just like the usual. When the homeroom teacher called up his name, he walked confidently to the front of the class to recites the poetry, he had either Pablo Neruda and Ernest Hemingway or even Edgar Allan Poe in mind but he settled with Neruda's Perhaps instead, he made sure to look into the boy's eyes while he recites and the boy lock eyes at him. 

 

Perhaps not to be is to be without your being,
without your going, that cuts noon light like a blue flower,
without your passing later through fog and stones,
without the torch you lift in your hand that others may not see as golden,
that perhaps no one believed blossomed the glowing origin of the rose,
without, in the end, your being,
your coming suddenly, inspiringly, to know my life,
blaze of the rose-tree,
wheat of the breeze: and it follows that I am, because you are: it follows from ‘you are’,
that I am,
and we: and, because of love, you will, I will, We will, come to be.

 

 

When he finished reciting poetry, the boy smiled at him. So he smiled back and walked back to his seat. The boy had gone when he looked back to the parent's side, his friends' parents were still there waiting for their kids, but yeah maybe that's the reality that even though there was someone whom was happy with his performance earlier but who knows, maybe the boy was just a product of his imagination. When he packed his backpack, his homeroom teacher approached him and what he heard pleased him, 

"Seunghyun, who was that come earlier? Your hyung? I'm happy that your family finallly come to see you."

"I'm happy too, mam, I'm really happy."

"Yeah. Be good to your hyung, okay, Seunghyun."

Hyung, Seunghyun decided that he likes it, the idea that the boy maybe actually a brother that he had never met before.

 

 

 

By the time he reached the bus stop, it was raining. Strangely the sun was still shining, the sky wasn't dark and then there was a tingling feeling on the pit of his stomach and he saw him, the boy, waving at him. His stomach growls, and the boy laughed at him. So much for having an imaginary older brother.

"Why are you always wearing white?"

"Well cos I'd have to stick to my own personal brand, aight? You were really cool with the poetry today, I'm proud of you"

"Thanks, hyung."

"Why are you even calling me that for?"

"My teacher thinks that you're my hyung since you're dressing like a dandy corporate man today so I'd stick with that, hyung."

"Seunghyun, please I'm only one year younger than you."

"Nah, don't lie to me. When I was in the 1st grade, I remember you already a grown-up, also when I fell off my from the swing during primary school, you were there in the hospital and I remember clearly that you still look just the same, you were wearing a white gown though, as always your usual white attire."

"I can't explain much but let's settle this with, I'm only one year younger than you, and I stopped growing, so even after years from now, I would still look like this. Am I cool?"

"I can't understand but yeah you're cool, thanks for coming today hyung."

"Shut up."

 

 

*

Of course there were rules that you couldn't cross, Jiyong would only be clearly visible if Seunghyun was sick. During special moment, Jiyong would be visible clearly to Seunghyun and also to other people's eyes because of course it was such a "present" for Seunghyun, an orphan, a loner that always needed a back up plan about his current life, needed someone to hold on to, needed a shoulder to cry on. Which was why Jiyong was present during Seunghyun parent-visit day, when Seunghyun fell from the swing, he'd present when Seunghyun got his very first salary, and he's present during Seunghyun's sick days. Probably because the stakeholder of the paradise took pity on Seunghyun that they'd sent him someone to be with him. 

 

He somehow remember the first time he saw the boy, he was merely 10, and he was having fun with his friends during recess time, he took the swing and his friend pushed him a little bit more to far so he flew and fell face first to the muddy tile of the playground. He heard people screamed his name, heard and felt adults and his friends all around him, felt that he's being lifted from the ground and being carried to the school health unit, felt that his head is leaking something thick and he'd felt really sticky and dizzy. Turns out he had been out for half an hour and he heard his teacher said apart from concussion, he's okay. But it was so hard, he was sleepy, his head feels heavy so he let go and slipped into unconsciousness. He saw the boy then, he thought he was dreaming but it somehow felt like it was really happening, almost like having a lucid dream -

"Are you okay? You were bleeding."

"Who are you?"

"I'm ugh, I supposed to take care of you, I'm sorry I didn't know that your friend would pushed you that hard. I'm so sorry, I should've known Seunghyun."

"Why are you so shining? Am I dead? Is this what they called as heaven??"

"Do you really think that you would make it into the heaven, really?"

"Well I might not that good but I was a good boy nevertheless, I always helped aunt with dishes!"

"Yeah but still you cursed about it, in that little mind of yours."

"How do you know? Who are you, really? You're scaring me."

"I am you, and you are me."

"Why is adult like you always speak in connotation, I can't understand."

"I am Jiyong, Kwon Jiyong. I feel what you feel. I heard what you're thinking, I am practically you, your guard, your anchor, your guardian angel."

Seunghyun didn't say anything to that he just linked Jiyong's hands with his, and slipped back to sleep. At least he's not alone anymore, now. He'd deal with his aunt's nagging about him fell his off later then.

 

 

 

*

Jiyong knew by heart about Seunghyun's fondness towards literature. So when Seunghyun decided to landed his first job as a barista, he was really upset. And he can't do anything about it, he watched Seunghyun every minutes, but he can't just make himself be present in front of Seunghyun. He had no power nor any obligation towards that. Years had passed and Jiyong still go and make sure that Seunghyun was okay. He wonders whether Seunghyun still loves poetry, and when he found out that Seunghyun wrote and place Neruda's Don't Go Far Off on his desk, he can't help but getting excited. Maybe one day he'd got to talk about poetry with Seunghyun. It's not that Jiyong loved poetry, but Jiyong just happened to be so fond of Seunghyun that everything that Seunghyun does, made him end up liking it too. He liked it the most when Seunghyun linked their hands together, but it was so long ago, now that Seunghyun is in his twenties, it's been really long that they haven't got to meet each other. And he bet he'd been forgotten too.

Jiyong never know the concept of growing and the struggle of living, but watching Seunghyun made him realized that being human is hard. Seunghyun had to wake up really early and rushed to get the bus, need to open up the lock of coffee shop's and set every machine to be ready since 8am, juggling food during breaks, maintaining a happy go lucky persona as a barista and also cashier, Jiyong knew that it was exhausting. And the way Seunghyun always eat instant ramen was not helping his body at all. Sometimes he found Seunghyun awake at 1am only to found out that he just got back from his chicken restaurant job, he looked really tired, smelt of frying chicken and beer and smoke. He wonders whether Seunghyun had started smoking. Maybe it was really stressful that he needed an outlet? 

Suddenly he noticed strange things happen to his body that he'd started getting flashes of light and his whole body was practically blinking and then he knew he was visible. His hands was shaking cos after a decade of waiting - since the last time during Seunghyun's school years, he finally can meet Seunghyun again, that after watching him, he finally can approached him. He walked carefully to his desk where Seunghyun is sitting now, and he saw that Seunghyun was crying. There was a photo of his parents on his opened wallet, and he foundout that the more Seunghyun looked into the photo, the more his eyes bawled. He didn't know what to do. So he closed the distanced and hug Seunghyun, he placed his head on his chest and patting him on the back while saying "It's okay, I'm sorry, I wish I could take your pain away." 

When he tried to lift Seunghyun's face, he saw that his nose was bleeding, and his eyes were closed. So he dragged him towards the bed and rushed to the kitchen to grabbed meds. He didn't know what to do, it's not like a guardian angel came with medical background and training. He wiped Seunghyun's bleeding nose, tried to open his mouth to let him drink, and let him sleep. Jiyong waited and waited all the while caressing Seunghyun's hands. Wake up, Seunghyun, be okay please. And then he felt Seunghyun's hands were caressing his back. Seunghyun had opened his eyes, and looked at him.

"You're - here?"

"Are you awake? How are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. Who are you? Why are you here? Cos if you're a nurse or paramedic then please go cos I can't pay you."

"Well we did meet before, maybe you can't remember. Mostly because you can't see me."

"But what are you? Am I not allowed to remember?"

"Perhaps - I've been saying this to you before, I'm your guard, your anchor, your guardian angel. Jiyong, Kwon Jiyong."

"You're not making any sense, If I were 5 you could say that and I'd believe you."

"I told you the truth, you think angel can lie? Do you remember that time when you fell from a swing, during your early school year?"

"Yes. I was out for like hours."

"Do you remember me, now?"

 

And suddenly Seunghyun saw him with lights on his eyes and he grinned. He looks like he just hit a million dollar jackpot.

"I remember! You were there! You were with me at the school health unit, you were in my dream when I was sleeping."

"You weren't sleeping nor dreaming, what happened was - I was visible to you because you were hurt."

"So you said that you would only be visible to me, if I what? sick?"

"Probably that was the rule."

"But how come you didn't get old at all? Is your hair blonde because you're actually old? But you looked really young, looked even younger than me."

"Well, I am just one year younger than you. You used to called me hyung though."

"Why would I called you hyung? When obviouly I look older than you?"

"How the hell would I know?"

 

Jiyong spilled the bean to him afterwards, said that by far they'd meet several times, but this meeting was the longest since their last. And Jiyong wished he wouldn't have to be gone from Seunghyun's side, he wanted Seunghyun to see him, he wanted to be visible.

"Why was your nose bleeding?"

"This is the 3rd time this week, probably because I'm exhausted."

"Do you still work two jobs? Was your job at the coffee shop stressing you out?"

"How come you know that much about me?"

"That's my legacy, Seunghyun. I always watch you, you just can't see me. Was it really stressing you?"

"I guess, it's fine, I'm going to be fine, yeah Jiyong."

"Yes, Seunghyun, you will. Take care of your self, Will you? Eat real things, Why are you always on instant ramen? Can't you have a week or two to rest? Why are you getting sick easily?"

 

 

Seunghyun chuckled, it feels so good to have someone who cares about you.

"Will you stay with me? Will you be there when I wake up tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I will always stay with you - whether you can see me or not."

 

*

Seunghyun had went through a lot, he wished he could do anything to beg the god so that Seunghyun would have a happier life, but who was he kidding? He was just a usual guardian angel that had no control towards human's life let alone fate. He could only do his job well, to make sure his human was okay, and was doing the right thing with his life. He wished he could to something.

Seunghyun didn't sleep that night. He just closed the distance, wrapped Jiyong in his arms and breathe. His nose bleeding had stopped, and he had stopped crying too. This is just one of those days when you're tired and suddenly everything that you've been wrapped up inside, every wounds, every longing poured up all of sudden to leave you breathless. And he believe that if there is dark days, then there would be bright days. And he wished that there was always Jiyong to shared his days with. He just can't stop looking at Jiyong, looking at his mesmerizing eyes, caressing his hair and his face, he tried to touch Jiyong's halo though - only to get his hands slapped lightly. So he settled with the thing that he loved the most, Neruda.  

 

Seunghyun inhaled and started - "Don't go far off, not even for a day, because --"

Jiyong recites back with "because -- I don't know how to say it:"

 

"Wow you know Neruda too, were you friends with him at the paradise? Would you tell him that I- Choi Seunghyun, loves him?"

"Seunghyun."

 

Seunghyun smiled then, and continue his session.

 

Don't go far off, not even for a day, because -- 
because -- I don't know how to say it: a day is long 
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station 
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep. 

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because 
then the little drops of anguish will all run together, 
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift 
into me, choking my lost heart. 

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach; 
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance. 
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest, 

because in that moment you'll have gone so far 
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking, 
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

 

 

 

 

 

"Don't go far off, Jiyong."