It was a bright Saturday morning at home when the mailman brought two posts for the Kims. Jongin greeted him with a dumbfounded smile since it had been a long time someone personally wrote them even any Christmas cards via the post. He stiffened when the mailman mentioned it was from Shin Hanuel.

The first post was an invitation card.

 

BYUN BAEKHYUN
and
SHIN HANEUL

Request your presence
at the small yet delighted ceremony
of their marriage.

First of October 2017
at 12 o’ clock afternoon
City Church
Seoul

 

 

Jongin quickly opened the next envelope that contained a handwritten letter.

 

To dearest Jongin,

I have no words to explain how much it embarrasses me to write this but I have been conflicted for days and finally decided that I had to see you before I tie the knots to a new relationship in my life. I want to see you once more. I want to talk to you once more. I want to spend a few more moments with you…once more. Please be a guest at my wedding with your wife. This is the last favor I’m asking from you. Just one more time, let me remember what being with you felt like.

Once yours,
Hanuel.

 

“Jongin!” Soojung called from the kitchen “Jongin! Who was it?”

When there was no response she came out with her arms covered with flour and stopped in her tracks to see him staring at the empty wall.

“Jongin? What is that?” she asked softly, confused.

He ran a hand through his morning bed hair. “Ha-Haneul…she…wedding…” he looked around “it’s Baekhyun…this Sunday…”

His throat went dry. He felt the paper brush against his feet and realized he had dropped everything. Jongin looked at Soojung lostly, asking for some guidance, some sense. She looked back with helplessness and augmenting concern.

 

“It was worth taking all those coffee shots because damn I had just missed the deadline.” Haneul muttered while spreading the butter over bread. Jongin just hummed and scrolled through his messages. “Oh and guess who joined the company yesterday!” she chimed.

He didn’t respond and Haneul shook him playfully by the elbow. “Guess!”

“I don’t know.” He said and reached for his cup.

“Byun Baekhyun. Remember?” She answered instead and he shook his head nonchalantly. “Business administration major? Still don’t remember him? He was really popular and he used to flirt with everybody!”

Jongin showed her the most uninterested face and sipped on his milk coffee. She faltered with slouched shoulders. “He’s the new HR manager. I think it suits him,” she peeped at him for any feedback but it seemed like his cup was more fascinating to look at, “he’s good at dealing with people.”

 

 

It was a simple and decent effort at the decoration. The church was lit up with rose scented candles and the seats were covered with white silk and coral pink nets. There were very few people, some he remembered and some he had never even met, and some that must be the people Haneul used to mention from work.

Soojung walked close to him, clinging by his sleeve and smiling whenever she made an awkward eye contact. Jongin searched for maybe a familiar face and found Sehun laughing with Yerim, his fiancé, around a few other acquaintances. He gave a gentle squeeze to Soojung’s hand and motioned her to come along. He rarely ever talked to his old friends since he got married again. Everybody had moved on to their own lives.

Sehun welcomed his presence with the warmest hug and introduced Jongin to other people around. They were mostly from Baekhyun’s social circle during college days. The only thing they seemed to talk about was how the kid-at-heart groom was finally settling down.

 

 

And with his mention, Baekhyun joined them with a smile that felt like it had been painted on his face. He grinned brightly all through the conversation, corner of his lips reaching his ears. Like he was in a state of heavenly ecstasy.

“I’m glad you came.” He said turning to Jongin.

“My pleasure.” He smiled back and Soojung did too, not knowing much else what to do.

In return, Baekhyun’s smile contorted a little and he stared at Jongin with plain expression, pushing his hands inside the pockets of his coat.

“Life is funny. I remember it like yesterday when I was whining about how I wanted to be the one to marry Haneul and today you’re the one at my wedding.” He grinned and Jongin started laughing before he knew. The rest laughed along and bumped Baekhyun’s shoulders. “I think it’s funny! Isn’t it?” he asked and Jongin couldn’t help but nod between chuckles.

What am I laughing about? Is it my failed marriage that’s funny?

Soojung caressed his arm with a sad short glance. Jongin was grateful she had learned to read his thoughts because otherwise it would’ve been lonelier dealing with this right now.

 

“Jongin…where were you yesterday?” Haneul asked as she heard him enter the room around midnight.

“Some place.”

“I couldn’t contact you the entire day.”

“Battery was dead.”

“Did you just make the most stupid excuse ever?” she twirled her chair around and pushed her reading glasses up on the top of her head. Jongin grunted and threw himself on bed.

“Why are you up so late anyway?” he asked back.

“I was worried!” she put some weight in her tone and he cackled sarcastically.

“Worried? How sweet. What are you doing with the laptop then? Making a ‘missing’ flyer for me?”

Haneul remained silent and he took the chance like it was some way to take it back on her.

“What are you doing, Haneul? Tell me. No let me guess – another one of your overnight presentations.” He laughed to himself and she retreated back to her desk, typing frantically.

“Just some project me and Baekhyun have come up with.” She said between gritted teeth.

“Baekhyun this, Baekhyun that.” He rolled his eyes.

“Baekhyun who helped me calm down when I was frightened sick about your sudden absence!” she half yelled – half lamented.

Jongin turned in his position and muttered “whatever.”

 

 

Baekhyun asked for Jongin’s assistance in a final checkup of the wedding preparations since it was just minutes left till they began the vows. Jongin complied and asked Soojung to wait for him while she could tag along Yerim, maybe they’ll become great friends.

Baekhyun took him around every nook, every corner and introduced him to everybody who greeted them on the way.

“You must be wondering why am I suddenly acting like we’ve been best pals.” The petite but handsome man grinned, joy being his only current emotion.

“Not really. Thinking back, maybe we could’ve actually been close.” Jongin shook his head. “There was so much common between you and me.”

“Including her. Always her. She had been between us in so many ways.” Baekhyun said and smiled to the ground, running a hand through his dark black locks.

The two of them couldn’t, so didn’t, look at each other in the eyes. There were two types of memories they had. Those silly college days bickering because Jongin was so jealous whenever Baekhyun tried to flirt with Haneul, and those were fun and adorable days. And then there was one among the later memories – of Jongin ignoring Baekhyun’s very existence when he came to dinner one day along with an argument with Haneul about what was the unwanted person doing in their house. Baekhyun heard it, Jongin knew he did, and he excused to Haneul to leave before things got worse between the couple.

The groom hummed a little to break the sudden silence filling the space and continued to engage in conversation. “How do you like my wedding? Lovely enough?” Grinning, just grinning.

Whereas the weight on Jongin’s chest kept pushing deeper, strangling his heart.

“Sure is. Little but pretty.” He tried to smile.

“I wanted it to be comfortable for her. Not too glamorous, not too hectic. I didn’t bother to invite a lot of people either.” Baekhyun looked pleased with himself. “Oh and I’m sorry I couldn’t attend your wedding. Some urgent work trip came up.” He scrunched his nose cutely and that make Jongin laugh.

“It’s alright. It wasn’t that much extravagant.” He patted Baekhyun’s shoulder and tried to smile again.

“I don’t think so. Haneul kept telling me how perfect it was for over a month before her depression. Especially all about how beautiful Soojung is and how well she suits you.”

The weight finally dropped and his heart stopped beating.

“Haneul…had…she had depression?” he asked and felt himself getting buried in the ground he stood on.

Baekhyun seemed like he really had no idea that Jongin didn’t know and rubbed his forehead with an sorry smile.

“Uh…yeah. She suffered from major depression for year or so after your marriage.” He looked away. “It took me a lot to help her recover. Really took me lot of effort to convince her to move on…marry me infact. I gave her all the time to make a decision and she said yes just two weeks ago.” Baekhyun bit his bottom lip and sighed. He seemed…bitter.

And he had the right to be. Jongin always used to boast how much he’s going to make Haneul feel like she’s the luckiest girl in this world to be with him, just to tease Baekhyun and send him off. But he failed. He failed so miserably. And right now he was infront of the same man, standing defeated.

 

 

“Did you…drink?” Haneul asked with a broken voice. Returning after four days unknown about and in the worst state she hadn’t even thought of.

“I’M DRUNK! LOOK I’M DRUNK!” he yelled, causing her to step back, “ANY OBJECTION?!”

“You promised you would never do anything toxic like that.” She was crying again.

“Oh shut up Haneul…no this no that don’t breathe don’t live…and it...it’s fine if you do anything…” he tripped around the living room, throwing his coat angrily to the floor.

“You promis—”

“I said SHUT THE UP HANUEL!”

She forgot how to think, how to answer. He had never cursed at her.

 

“Where had you been?” Soojung asked when he finally joined her at the seats.

“Baekhyun sure is still talkative.” He answered and just before he was about to sit, a young servant called out his name.

“Mr. Kim Jongin, the bride has asked for you to see her.” He bowed politely.

Jongin’s hands were cold. This was it.

 

When he walked out of the bedroom with his head aching by the hangover, she was still crying on the couch. He was so guilty and so sorry. He wanted to hug her and apologize till he ran out of words. But maybe it was a lost chance before he even knew it when she spoke up,

“I can’t live with you anymore.”

He stopped as he took a step towards her.

“What?”

“I want a separation.” Her voice was hoarse.

“Are you even making sense?” he shot with an irritated tone.

“I think I finally am. It’s been six years, Jongin, six tiresome years. There has been nothing but growing suffocation.”

“So you’re saying I’m suffocating you?!” he was angry now. How could she say this so easily?

“I can’t do this anymore.” She began crying again, covering her face between her hands.

Jongin pranced back and forth with a buzzing and hurting head. He couldn’t grasp the situation, couldn’t hold onto it. Couldn’t just…hold onto her.

“You’re not in your right mind after yesterday’s argument.” He picked up the coat he had thrown off aggressively the previous night and hurried out of the apartment.

 

Jongin wondered if this is exactly how Haneul would’ve felt walking away from his wedding. Because it sure was unbearable – the pain he was feeling right then. His footsteps echoed throughout the high ceiling hallway towards that one room at the end, echoing loud to mock him.

 

“If we fight—”

“We won’t.”

“But if we ever do…it’s logical, Jongin…so if we ever fight…what will you do?”

He replied without even hesitating to think because there was only one answer, he was sure.

“Then I will let you vent it all out on me until you’re tired,” he leaned closer to peck her cheek, “and we’ll kiss and make up.”

“But we won’t fight, right?”

“I’m telling you.”

 

He opened the door with steady breaths. She was sitting by the dresser, playing with the sleeve of her gown. Jongin knocked and she quickly turned with a satisfied smile. What should he say now? What does he have to say anyway?

As always, it was her who began.

“I knew you’ll come.”

To him, ages had passed since he saw her. Her face that had been so full of a vigorous fire seemed smoked out. She was so different, so unrecognizable. The spirit he fell for...where had it gone? Was it really Haneul? His Haneul?

“You…you’re wearing a different wedding dress than your style.” That’s all he could say, feeling stupid right after.

She chuckled faintly, sadly.

“It was Baekhyun’s choice. He selected it all for me.”

“You argued so much when I tried to choose a dress for you.” He laughed.

“And I wore what I wanted in the end anyway.” She smiled and he knew the best when she was faking it.

“So it’s Baekhyun.” He shrugged and Haneul’s smile formed an empty grin.

“Turns out he still had feelings for me even after all these years. It’s so strange that somebody can love me this much.”

“I loved you more.”

Although her smile dropped, he didn’t regret saying his thought out loud. The agony was finally breaking in her expression.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” he continued.

“What am I doing?” she asked indifferently.

“You don’t love him!” Frustration spilled out of each word. “He’s not even compatible with you! You both are…you’re so different.” He knew that wasn’t the truth. Baekhyun had always been the right one for her.

Haneul smiled and it was so heartrending and God Jongin didn’t want to see her like that.

“Alright Jongin…I’m going to leave everything right here and right now and leave with you.”

There was a biting silence.

“But can you come back to me?” she asked “can you come back to me at all?”

Jongin wished he rather didn’t know. This was all too late, wasn’t it?

 

Haneul picked up three tiny flowers and walked to him with teary eyes. Like an angel, his one and only angel.

“Asters?” he asked surprised, taking them from her hands.

“They’re called Michaelmas daisies.” The memories came rushing. Daisies.

“What do they symbolize?” he a gentle finger over, they were so fragile.

“Farewells. I really wanted to give you some before it’s my turn to departure away from you.” She placed a hand on the side of his face, staring into his remorseful eyes.

“Is this really ending?” he asked, voice cracking. She nodded and rested her head on his chest, giving in.

“We may be different but this time I will make it work. I have to. Just like I could have fixed things between us but I didn’t. I could’ve made us work but I simply let go. It’s my fault that everything is this way today. I’m so sorry…”

He felt her tears welling up.

“I love you so much, Jongin. I love you. I’m so sorry for everything.” And she was crying, breaking the embrace and turning away.

It was too much, it was hurting too much. He raised his arm to hold her one last time.

 

But it was Baekhyun’s hand that reached out. He gently held onto her shoulder and made her face him.

“Haneul? It’s time to go.” he chimed, wiping away her tears with his thumb and planting a kiss on her forehead. “Oh you didn’t put up your veil either! Jongin must’ve kept you busy talking.” Baekhyun grinned at Jongin too and bowed to excuse them.

He held her into his arms and brought her near the dresser, making her sit and carefully placing the veil over her head. Baekhyun smilingly stared at her with a loving gaze and Haneul already seemed to brighten little by little. He joked, played with her hair while fixing the veil and whispering to her something that made her laugh.

He was out of place, the realization hit him soon. Jongin’s legs were giving up and he took careful steps backwards, leaving by the door as quietly as he could.

 

“Haneul…put it on!” Jongin tried for the umpteenth time and she tossed it to the side again. “Please?”

“I don’t like it! It’s so…girlish.” She retorted.

“It’s pretty! I wanted my bride to wear a veil…” he pouted, picking it up once more.

“Would you like me any less if I didn’t wear it?” she folded her arms.

He sighed and gave up, pulling her closer. “No, I’ll love you just as much. With or without any veil.” He bopped his nose on hers and she grinned, their fingers laced together.

 

 

Soojung put her hand over his, gently squeezing to give some sense of validation. He seemed dull. Like all the remaining remnant of his soul had been taken away too. The guests applauded when Baekhyun entered with his arm entangled with Haneul’s.

Her eyes wandered to everybody in the seats, appreciating their presence. When she saw Jongin she smiled – as if telling him that she’s ready to move on, that she’s ready to be happy. He smiled back, halfly, disapprovingly.

There was so much he wanted to say. Because no…it wasn’t entirely her fault. He could’ve prevented everything from falling apart too but he didn’t even try. He could’ve been the one to remain but he easily stepped back. There was so much he still had to say…

But it was so pointless. There was nothing left between them at this place, in this moment. It wasn’t entirely her fault that he was the one who kept it all inside. Even if once, he should’ve been the one to tell her first…

 

 

 

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Author's Note: Hello! It's ended >.< and idk how you all are feeling but I hope it's emotional pain hahaha (sorry!) Umm I won't blabber a lot here unlike my other a/n but anyways I'd really like to know your comments on Tell Me First ^^ or let's do this: tell me the differences you found between Jongin and Haneul's personalities and how it contributed to their marriage failing and I'll tell you if you nailed it!