”Jinki!” his mother calls and Jinki hurries into the hallway. His hair is ruffled and his eyes sleepy, but his smile is wide. His mother smiles at the sight of her son. “Did you eat breakfast?”

Jinki nods and turns around so he can point into the kitchen.

“Daddy helped me!” he says and turns to face his mother again, wide smile still etched onto his lips. She softens a little and hands him his jacket.

“That’s good. Put on your jacket.”

Jinki nods again and takes his jacket. He struggles a little with one sleeve but refuses to get help. Jinki is a big boy now and he can do it all on his own. His mother just laughs. Before they leave the house, Jinki’s father hugs him and kisses his forehead.

“Have fun, kid,” his father says and pats his head. Jinki just nods again, hand clasped tightly in his mother’s.

 

“Are you excited?” Jinki’s mother asks as she drives towards the kindergarten. Jinki nods. Yes, very much. It’s his second year in kindergarten after the summer vacation and Jinki can’t wait to get back to all his friends. He must tell Joon about his week with his grandparents in Gwangmyeong and the camping trip his father took him on. He caught the biggest fish he has ever seen and not even his father had caught a bigger fish. Jinki’s summer has been wonderful but he can’t wait to get back to all his friends.

“Mommy, do you have the picture?” Jinki asks when the car pulls up in front of the kindergarten. She turns around to look at him in the backseat with a frown. Jinki crosses his arms in front of his chest as he looks at his mother.

“I’m sorry, baby,” she says. Jinki soon forgives her, though, when she helps him out of the car. He runs towards the entrance and ignores her calls after him. Jinki is busy. He has somewhere to be. He hangs onto the gate and looks inside and smiles wide when he sees Joon playing in the sand.

“Joon!” he shouts and the boy looks up with wide eyes. Jinki’s mother opens the gate when she finally catches up with her son and Jinki runs inside and hurries to meet up with his best friend. The two boys laugh when they sit in front of each other. Jinki’s mother looks at them with a fond smile. She’s happy Jinki is social and excited to be with friends. She adores the wide smile on his face and knows that he will be alright, even without her.

 

They play in the sand for an hour until one of the teachers ask them to come inside. They have a small class but Jinki likes classes. He loves learning and the teachers are nice. They are funny and good at what they do and they praise him. Jinki loves getting praise the most but he is willing to share with Joon and the other kids in his class. Today they’re learning the alphabet again. Jinki is good at the alphabet. His ㄹ’s are not exactly artistic but Jinki thinks they’re good enough.

Then he looks around in the classroom and notices a boy he has never seen before. The other boy has his head lowered and he doesn’t look at Jinki. His shoulders are hunched and Jinki frowns a little. Curious as he is, he stands from his chair and makes his way to the other boy’s desk. The other boy is drawing something, Jinki can’t see what it is because the other boy is obscuring his view.

“Hey,” Jinki says and the boy reacts like he gets surprised. Jinki thinks that’s a little weird. He is not that silent so the other boy must have noticed him. He doesn’t look up, however.

“Hello,” Jinki tries again but still no answer. “What are you drawing?”

The boy removes his head a little and Jinki is looking at a drawing of a dragon. It’s awesome. Much better than Jinki could have drawn. The colours are nice, Jinki never thought dragons could be pink but it looks nice. Jinki thinks he might start colouring his dragons pink as well. Or maybe yellow, yellow is his favourite colour. The boy doesn’t say anything, though, before he lowers his head again. Jinki pokes his shoulder.

“Your drawing is good!” he says and smiles wide, hoping to get the other boy to say something. Nothing happens. He hears Jiwoo start crying and he turns his head around to look at her. A teacher then puts her hand on Jinki’s shoulders and asks him what he has been doing summer vacation and Jinki forgets the silent boy with the cool dragon drawing and starts telling the teacher about the world’s biggest fish that he, Lee Jinki, has caught with his father.

 

Jinki sits at the table and eats his gimbap with his hands. He has long since given up on his chopstick and his mother has allowed him to just forego them for today. Jinki knows he should be using the spoon instead but eating the gimbap with his hands is much more satisfying.

“Did you get any new friends today, Jinki?” his father asks and Jinki looks up with his mouth full of rice. He nods because speaking with food in his mouth is rude and Jinki is not a rude child.

“Yes!” he says when he finishes chewing.

“Oh, that’s great! What’s his name?” his mother asks and Jinki frowns a little. He doesn’t know. He chooses not to answer and instead takes another bite of his gimbap. His parents let the conversation die down.

 

The silent kid is there again when Jinki enters the gate to the kindergarten the next morning. This time, however, he is looking for leaves on the ground in the corner by himself. Jinki immediately lights up in a smile and runs towards him.

“Hello!” Jinki says and bends at the waist to pick up a green leaf. The kid just looks at him when Jinki straightens and hands the leaf to him. “Want me to help?”

The kid still doesn’t say anything but Jinki shrugs it off. Maybe he’s just sad because his parents have left him there. He must be new for sure. Jinki finds a leaf a few feet away and jumps to get it.

“My name is Jinki,” he says when he hands the kid the leaf. The other boy just takes it from Jinki and adds it to his collection.

They look after leaves together. Jinki does everything he can to talk to the other boy and open him up but nothing works. After 30 minutes, Jinki is tired of being the only one talking so he runs to find Joon and Minjun that are playing with the bulldozers.

 

During nap hour Jinki goes to find the teacher. He’s holding his favourite teddy in his arms, his hair ruffled from lying on the blankets and mattresses. The teacher looks up when Jinki calls her name.

“Why aren’t you sleeping, Jinki?” she asks and Jinki bites his lower lip a little. She lifts him into her lap and Jinki fumbles with the teddy so he can place it in his lap and carefully its head.

“I couldn’t sleep,” he whispers and then redirects his gaze towards the crowd of sleeping children. “Why doesn’t he talk?” Jinki asks after a minute of silence and points towards the strange boy with no words. The teacher frowns.

“Who?” she asks and Jinki points again, this time trying to be as accurate as possible. He knows where he’s sleeping because it’s in the corner, tugged away like he doesn’t want to be with the rest of them. Jinki thinks he’s a little weird.

“Him,” he says and hopes she doesn’t think it’s rude to point at other people. She doesn’t berate him, though.

“Oh, you mean Kibum? He’s just a little shy, don’t worry about it.”

Jinki nods a little. He doesn’t really understand but if his teacher tells him not to worry about it, then he won’t. At least now he knows what his name is. Jinki falls asleep in the teacher’s lap and sleeps there for the hour.

 

Jinki plays with Kibum in the next week, hoping to get him to say something, but he doesn’t utter a word. It frustrates Jinki a little. Maybe Kibum doesn’t want to talk to him. Jinki thinks that’s a little rude and he tells his mother while she picks him up on Friday. He has a frown on his lips and his arms crossed but Jinki’s mother doesn’t agree that it’s rude. That just makes Jinki even more frustrated.

“Maybe he can’t talk,” Jinki’s mother says and Jinki lets go of his frustration and replaces it with curiosity.

“What does that mean, mommy?” he asks, eyes wide. Jinki leans forward in his seat so he can get a better look at his mother.

“Some people can’t talk, just like some people can’t see.”

Jinki thinks a little.

“Like grandma?” he then asks and his mother laughs.

“No. Grandma can see, she just needs her glasses. It’s like grandpa when he doesn’t wear his hearing aids and you have to shout so he can hear you,” she says and Jinki leans back in his seat. Like grandpa. Maybe Jinki just needs to talk slowly so Kibum can understand him. He’ll try that tomorrow.

 

Kibum never says a word but Jinki learns that he can communicate with Kibum in other ways. He can point to what he wants to say and Kibum will understand that. He can also pull Kibum with him when Kibum doesn’t seem to understand. And the best part of communicating with Kibum is that Kibum sometimes smiles. It’s barely there, a small tiny movement of his lips, but it’s encouraging and it makes Jinki happy. Jinki feels like Kibum’s friend and that’s a good feeling.

The teachers are looking at the two young boys with fond eyes and a hope that the slightly older child can somehow help the younger with his selective mutism.

 

“Are you excited?” his father asks and Jinki nods. His brand-new backpack is on his back and Jinki is standing in his brand-new school uniform in the hallway. It’s his first day in 1^st grade and Jinki can’t wait. It’s so exciting. He’s going to learn a lot of new things and he’s going to meet a lot of new friends. He’s looking forward to meeting his new teachers and his classmates. He wears a huge grin as his mother asks him to look at her so she can take a picture. Jinki is proud of himself, proud that he got this far. He’ll ace school.

 

His new classmates are exciting. His teachers are sweet and very good at teaching and Jinki finds himself excited with the homework. He forgets kindergarten friends and makes new ones instead. He learns algebra and languages and the teacher helps him correct hisㄹ’s so they look prettier. He learns more complex sentences and they read books. But Jinki’s favourite class is music and his teacher loves him. He praises him and Jinki beams with pride every time he leaves music class. There is nothing better than school in Jinki’s mind.

 

When Jinki is 9 his parents tell him that they’re getting divorced. They don’t love each other anymore and they fight more than they do good. His mother has fallen in love with another man and the decision has been made. Jinki doesn’t really know how to react to the news. He tells his homeroom teacher but she can’t do anything to change his parent’s decision.

Some nights he cries, just wanting his parents to stay together. Jinki just wants it to be like it has always been. Other nights he thinks it might be his fault. Maybe it’s because of him that they don’t love each other anymore. He doesn’t tell anyone about those thoughts, however. He withdraws a little from his friends but nobody considers it strange, not with the knowledge of what’s happening with his parents.

 

Jinki moves in with his mother and visits his father every second week. He’s introduced to her new boyfriend but Jinki doesn’t speak a lot with him and he doesn’t speak a lot with Jinki. The other man will never be able to replace his father and Jinki makes it known when his mother asks him to be a little nicer. Jinki is polite but that’s all.

 

His mother and her new boyfriend gets married when Jinki is 10 and he moves in with them. Jinki tries to avoid him, but he hears the words that are said a little too loudly. His mother’s new husband doesn’t like him. Jinki tries to tell his father when he is there but his father tells him not to make up stupid things. The man is polite and nice and he will be a good stepfather to Jinki. Jinki doubts it. He sees him drunk more often than not and he only barely avoids a punch on his shoulder. Jinki wishes the man would just disappear. Everything about him is horrible but none of his parents can see it. Jinki just knows.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Jinki,” his mother says and takes a bite of the meat cooking on the grill.

“But it’s true, mom!” he tries but she looks up sternly.

“I don’t want to hear it anymore. I know you don’t like Jungho but can’t you at least stop trying to tell me he’s dangerous. I love him and I hope you start accepting it. Don’t be stupid, Jinki.”

She looks up and heaves a sigh.

“Do it for me,” she says and Jinki lowers his gaze and looks at the meat sizzling on the grill.

“Okay,” he mutters. He still doesn’t like his stepfather.

 

A loud crash sounds from the kitchen and Jinki hurries from his bedroom so he can see what has happened. In the kitchen stands his stepfather with an empty bottle in his hand while he leans against the door.

“You!” he says and Jinki’s instincts scream run. He only gets to turn around, though, before something hits his shoulder with strong force. He whimpers as the glass from the now broken bottle scatters around him. The hand that holds his wrist prevents him from running away, however.

“You ruined everything!”

Jinki feels Jungho twist his arm and he screams in pain when the bone cracks. Jungho doesn’t let go of his wrist, however. The only thing Jinki can do to lessen the pain is turn around and stand face to face with his stepfather. The man before him has a wild look in his eyes, Jinki has never seen anything like it. He’s scared, so incredibly scared. The pain from his shoulder and broken arm is immense but when Jungho starts hitting Jinki’s chest with his other hand, Jinki forgets the pain in his fractured bones. He needs to get away and he needs to get away fast.

A hand slaps his cheek and Jinki can taste the blood when his lip splits. The blood soon mixes with his tears. As Jungho kicks his shin and forces Jinki to the ground, Jinki fights tooth and nail with his hands. It doesn’t do much, however, with the much bigger man above him, kicking his sides and punches his chest. Jinki closes his eyes to protect them but fears his death.

The fear only strengthens when he suddenly feels two big, sweaty hands around his neck. They press close around his airways and Jinki tries to claw them away, begs silently for someone to save him. He can’t breathe with his airways constricted and the pain makes it harder to fight back. With the loss of oxygen, Jinki fades into unconsciousness just as he hears someone else shout.

 

Jinki wakes up in the hospital, surrounded by IV lines and beeping machines and he feels horribly thirsty. His arm is in a cast and his stomach is incredibly sore. There are bruises everywhere. He looks horrible. But most of all, he’s thirsty. He tries to tell the nurse in the corner that he wants some water but not a sound escapes his mouth. Jinki tries again but nothing. Then he tries humming but there is still no sound. Jinki looks at the wall with widening eyes as he realizes he can’t speak.

The doctor that comes to see him when they realize he’s awake tells him that it’s trauma induced and that his voice will return to normal in a couple of days. It’s the pressure his step father has put on his larynx that has caused the loss of voice.

 

Except Jinki’s voice doesn’t return. 5 days later they have a specialist look at his larynx and only then do they realize that there is a fracture on the cartilage around his vocal chords and that it has grown back together wrong. The damage is irreversible and Jinki is now mute. He will never be able to talk, never be able to sing or shout. Jinki cries that night, his mother his hair with a hum as she looks at her son absolutely broken.

 

Jinki is lucky he doesn’t have more injuries. The restriction of oxygen could have easily caused brain damage and the internal bleeding in his abdomen could have killed him. But Jinki is here, alive and well. That is if one doesn’t count the inability to talk that he leaves the hospital with a week later. The hospital has assigned him a sign language teacher that can help him learn sign language should he need it to communicate with the outer world. Jinki thinks it’s the lowest he could have ever sunk. He’s not even sure he’s happy that he’s alive.

 

His father gets custody after the attack and Jinki moves to stay with him instead. His mother’s husband is put in jail for murder attempt and violence but Jinki knows that his mother still loves the man. He can see it in her eyes, the dilemma over being with her son and the man she loves. Jinki doesn’t understand how she can love a man so absolutely disgusting. His father protects him with all he has, cuddles him like he’s a 5-year-old child again.

The trauma sits deep in Jinki, though, and even with the conversations with the therapist, he still reacts on the sound of clinking glass bottles and loud noises. Jinki wishes it wasn’t like that but he can’t change it and the therapist says it will take time. He just hopes she’s right when she says he will eventually get over it.

 

School is a nightmare when one can’t speak and even though his father doesn’t want him to be home-schooled it becomes the only solution when a couple of Jinki’s upperclassmen realize that he jumps when they clink their soda bottles together. Jinki’s father watches with sadness as his son isolates himself from his peers. The only person he talks to is the language teacher and the look in Jinki’s eyes is dead. It’s frightening to see Jinki wither away into nothing.

 

“Don’t you want to go to high school among your friends?” Jinki’s father asks when Jinki turns 16. Jinki shakes his head.

He doesn’t have any friends left in real life. Jinki has found comfort in the internet where he can talk to people that will never know he’s mute. They will never need to know either and he likes that. He has a friend from USA, a Korean-American, that tells Jinki all about the exciting things he’s doing every day. Jinki’s days are boring in comparison but Jinki doesn’t do much either. His friend, Jonghyun, thinks it’s cool that Jinki is home-schooled but Jinki usually doesn’t agree. Jonghyun thinks it’s because they’re so rich they don’t have to send Jinki to ordinary school and often tells Jinki that he envies him. Jinki makes it obvious that he is not to be envied.

“Jinki,” his father asks again and Jinki turns from his computer screen so he can look at him. “Your therapist says you need to get out and be with friends of your age as well. You can’t stay stuck in here with me.”

His father chuckles awkwardly and Jinki rolls his eyes before he turns back to his computer. He doesn’t want to go back to school.

 

dlstmxkakwldrl says

My dad wants me to join high school…

 

jonghyun.948 says

seriously dude i cant believe youre complaining about that

 

dlstmxkakwldrl says

You don’t understand. It’s going to be horrible.

 

jonghyun.948 says

aaaw poor you i hope its not that bad

 

jonghyun.948 says

oh hey btw im in korea this summer do you want to meet up

 

dlstmxkakwldrl says

You seriously need to learn where to put a period.

 

dlstmxkakwldrl says

Also I don’t think I can. I’ll probably be at my grandparents…

 

jonghyun.948 says

oh that if you find time text me ok

 

jonghyun.948 says

.

 

Jinki starts high school that year but isolates himself quickly. His teachers all know that he’s mute and that asking him questions in class will not lead to a verbal answer. Jinki can answer in sign language but since his teachers don’t know that, they won’t be able to understand. Jinki is exempt from all verbal examinations but has to take twice as many written ones to make up for the verbal ones. His classmates soon learn that Jinki doesn’t want to talk to them and as such avoids him. None of them knows that Jinki is physically unable to reply them. The few people that do try to talk to him soon leaves him alone. Jinki hears the talking in the corridors but he can’t tell them why he’s so weird so he decides it’s easier to just let them live their lives without him.

 

He spends most of his time in the library, hidden by books. His grades are excellent and his trauma is no longer so prominent that he openly reacts to clinking glass bottles and loud noises. Still, he prefers the silence of the library. Jinki has read most of the books in the fiction section and has now started on the non-fiction. He has learnt many things he’ll never be able to use and many things he’ll never be able to tell.

 

The three years in high school is spent reading books and talking to Jonghyun on his phone. Jinki finds a few other friends as his English gets better. There’s a girl in Norway that helps him with his English every now and then and a friend from Kenya that likes playing the same games as Jinki. But his best friend is still Jonghyun and he trusts him with everything. Well, everything except the fact that he’s mute because his stepfather tried to kill him.

 

dlstmxkakwldrl says

What are you going to take up as your major?

 

jonghyun.948 says

probably music

 

jonghyun.948 says

if my mom is supportive ofc

 

dlstmxkakwldrl says

Okay.

 

Jinki is jealous of Jonghyun. He’s looking at college applications and none of them seem to offer any degree he can possibly take without having to talk. If he majors in STEM the talking will probably be minimal compared to Humanities but even if it’s minimal, there will still be some. He can’t expect they will take extra measures to accommodate to his needs. His father is encouraging him to apply anyway. He has told Jinki plenty of times that he will call and ask if there can be made a special arrangement for him. Jinki wishes they didn’t have to make a special arrangement for him. Nothing can be done about his muteness, however. It’s there and it will stay, no matter how much Jinki wishes for it to be gone.

 

In the end, he settles on Chemistry and applies to a smaller college in Seoul. They’re willing to accept him and accommodate to his special needs and while Jinki isn’t very proud of getting admitted, he doesn’t want to kill his father’s happiness. Jinki moves into a single dorm two weeks before semester start and tries to feel at home in the small room. Most people in his dorm building shares their room with another person but because of his mutism, Jinki has the room for himself. Jinki hasn’t been making a lot of effort to meet the other people in his building and he doesn’t suspect he’s going to get to know anyone either.

 

Jinki is on his way back from class when he hears a loud, obnoxious laugh and turns around to look at the person laughing. He wishes it was him who could lean back and bark out a laugh that would have heads turning. It sounds so carefree and beautiful. Jinki shakes his head a little at the thought.

“Kibum, it’s not funny!” a girl whines next to the laughing boy and punches the boy lightly on the shoulder. The boy, Kibum, just laughs harder. Jinki walks passed them and bites his lower lip so he doesn’t start smiling.

 

dlstmxkakwldrl says

Have you ever met someone with a beautiful laugh?

 

“Jinki, I was hoping you could help me with the assignment?” a girl named Sooyoung asks and looks at him expectantly. Jinki tries not to sigh visibly.

I can’t, he signs with his hands but Sooyoung doesn’t understand. It must look weird to her. Jinki deflates a little and hunches his shoulders.

“Sooyoung!” someone calls behind her and she looks over her shoulder.

“Two seconds, Key!”

She then turns back to Jinki and looks at him with a smile. Jinki closes his eyes for a second or two before he shakes his head, wordlessly. Then he gathers his things and leaves the girl with a silent answer. Jinki doesn’t look over his shoulder.

 

dlstmxkakwldrl says

I have something to tell you.

 

It’s on accident, really, that Jinki enters the art room. He’s in the wrong building but the corridors are making him confused and he can’t find his way out again. He is not supposed to be here, not really. But still he stands in the middle of the room and looks at the blackboard because there in the middle of it is a wonderfully drawn dragon with pink scales. It looks fierce and dangerous, even despite its colours. Jinki feels absolutely entranced, unable to move. He has seen a dragon like that before. Not as artistically drawn but the same colours. A man enters the room and then chuckles a little.

“I’m sorry, I should have removed it before I left.”

And that’s when Jinki turns around and gets eye contact with a young man. His hair is dyed dark pink and styled slightly ruffled. He’s taller than Jinki by a few centimetres and slimmer. His face is sharp but soft at the same time. His skin is flawless, not like Jinki’s own. He’s gorgeous in the most inhumane way, but it’s the connection between the pink dragon on the blackboard and the pink dragon he once fell in love with when he was 5 that has his mouth dropping open in shock.

Kibum, he says but no sound moves past his moving lips. Kibum just smiles and goes to the blackboard.

“You should just have removed it if you needed the blackboard for something. It’s not like it’s important, I have better drawings on paper.”

Kibum keeps talking and Jinki watches silently as he tries to find his memories of a silent boy that had never said a word to him. Kibum doesn’t seem to recognize Jinki, though, and he leaves him when the last of the dragon has been cleaned from the black board and Jinki stands alone, confused and still unable to find his way out of the arts building.

 

dlstmxkakwldrl says

Nevermind.

 

Jinki notices Kibum more often on campus now. It’s not really hard to find him, his hair sticks out like a sore thumb between natural hair colours but Jinki still stays in the shadows. It’s been more than 10 years since he last saw him and it makes sense that Kibum can’t recognize him. Kibum is so different from what he was then. Jinki has been searching through his memories but he doesn’t remember Kibum ever talking to him in kindergarten. It hurts to know that he can’t talk to Kibum again, that he can’t introduce himself without awkwardness. So instead he watches him from the shadows and lets that be enough.

 

It’s autumn and the leaves are coloured in the most beautiful colours Jinki has ever seen. He’s walking around on campus in his large sweater, sometimes sinking to his knees so he can pick up an extraordinary leaf. Sometimes a couple pass him, hand in hand, not noticing the strange man that never says a word.

Jinki knows the people in his class have started to avoid him again. Maybe they think he’s arrogant and snobbish. Maybe they think he chooses not to talk to them. Jinki doesn’t know exactly what they think of him but he doesn’t care. He sits down on a bench under a tree and bows down to collect a yellow leaf when he hears his name said in disbelief. Jinki looks up only to get eye contact with Kibum who is standing a few meters away.

“No way,” Kibum says again in disbelief and Jinki blinks. “Lee Jinki? Rainbow International Kindergarten?”

Jinki nods a little.

“Oh my God.”

Kibum walks towards him and plops down beside him on the bench. He bends down to pick up a firetruck-red leaf and hand it to Jinki.

“I didn’t think you were here,” he says and Jinki wants to say something so badly but he can’t. He doesn’t even dare move his lips because no sound will come from his broken throat and he’ll only be embarrassed and mocked for his inability. Kibum tilts his head, waiting for Jinki’s answer. Jinki tries his hardest to ignore Kibum’s presence beside him.

“I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk. It was nice meeting you again, I guess.”

What possesses Jinki to reach out when Kibum stands from the bench, he doesn’t know, but suddenly he’s holding onto Kibum’s wrist. Kibum turns around to look at him.

Don’t go, Jinki signs and Kibum widens his eyes. Jinki reaches into his pocket, ignores Jonghyun’s texts as he unlocks his phone and writes a message to Kibum in his notes.

I want to talk.

Kibum raises an eyebrow when he reads the sentence and then looks at Jinki. Jinki takes the phone again and writes another sentence.

I just can’t.

Jinki can see how Kibum processes the information until he suddenly realizes what it means.

“You mean, you’re …?” Kibum asks and Jinki nods. He doesn’t need to hear the word said out loud to know what Kibum is trying to say. “But you sang Three Bears for me when I was 4!”

Kibum’s disbelief is both amusing and disheartening. Jinki bites his lower lip and just nods a little before he lowers his gaze. He no longer holds Kibum’s wrist but Kibum sits down beside him again and reaches into his bag and produces a notebook. He flips it to a clean page and then hands it to Jinki.

“Write here instead. I’m sorry I don’t understand sign language that well…”

Jinki just sends him a small smile. For the first time ever since he was 12, he is not alienated. It is also the first time he has told someone he’s mute.

 

Kibum understands. He understands that it takes a few seconds more before he gets his answer, he understands that Jinki isn’t trying to be rude when he doesn’t answer immediately. He understands how difficult it is to not talk and Jinki might be falling in love with him. It really isn’t on purpose, though. Jinki knows he shouldn’t fall in love. He shouldn’t fall in love in general and he shouldn’t fall in love with a man.

But Kibum is so much more than just a man. He’s a friend and an ally. He’s kind, funny and open. He’s social and helps Jinki pull away from his isolation, just a little. Kibum helps Jinki open up about his mutism and lets people know that Jinki isn’t arrogant, snobbish or rude. He’s simply unable to answer their questions verbally.

Jinki is Kibum ever grateful and he doesn’t really know why Kibum is acting so kind to him. He doesn’t understand what he has done to deserve such a man. Sometimes when he lies in his bed he thinks it’s karma. Maybe because he was such a nice young boy to the other man, Kibum is now repaying the kindness. The thought quickly turns depressing, though, when Jinki realizes that he wants it to be more than just repaying kindness. He wants Kibum to genuinely like him.

 

“Is it rude to ask how you lost your voice?” Kibum asks and sips of his tea. They’re sitting in Jinki’s dorm room on his bed, nursing cups of teas. Kibum has been complaining about his teacher ever since he arrived.

They’ve gotten closer over the past 6 months and these meetings in Jinki’s room is not uncommon. Kibum’s roommate, Taemin, is a dancer and he sleeps a lot when he is in their room. Kibum usually doesn’t want to disturb him which is why they meet up at Jinki’s.

Jinki reaches for his phone, the notebook too far away, and writes down a curt ‘don’t want to talk about it’. Kibum nods a little in understanding. Jinki doesn’t like reliving the memories of almost dying and while he isn’t suffering in daily life from the trauma, he doesn’t think he can tell it without being affected.

“You know, in kindergarten I didn’t speak either. I knew how to, I just chose not to.”

Kibum is staring at the TV screen but he doesn’t really watch the drama that’s playing.

“My parents fought a lot when I was a kid and it caused me to believe talking was bad. I heard the phrase ‘kids should be seen, not heard’ way too many times, even though I was young so I chose not to say anything. I hated being in kindergarten but you made it bearable. The therapist that had me and diagnosed me with selective mutism and social anxiety said you really helped me along. Even though I could never thank you.”

There’s silence when Kibum ends his monologue. Jinki doesn’t know what to say. He wants to tell Kibum that it’s not a problem, that his goal was to help Kibum talk again and to see Kibum talking now is worth it all. Jinki also wants to tell Kibum that his laughter is beautiful and that he’s happy he gets to hear it, even if he can’t laugh with him.

“I’m sorry, that wasn't necessary,” Kibum then says and turns to look at Jinki with a smile. “I guess I’m just happy I finally get to thank you. So thank you for talking to me back then.”

Jinki feels his heart flutter at the thank-you and he turns his head away so he doesn’t have to look at Kibum. At least not for long because Kibum suddenly starts tickling him and Jinki slides down in the bed in soundless laughter.

 

jonghyun.948 says

yo

 

dlstmxkakwldrl says

Yo yourself.

 

jonghyun.948 says

hes alive

 

jonghyun.948 says

thank god

 

dlstmxkakwldrl says

lmao

 

dlstmxkakwldrl says

I’m in love.

 

jonghyun.948 says

woah ok how about you start over again because im pretty sure you have forgotten to tell me all about that do you even understand how bad that is youre forgetting your best friend how horrible

 

dlstmxkakwldrl says

Periods, Jonghyun.

 

jonghyun.948 says

.

 

Jinki leans onto Kibum and Kibum squeezes his waist in the cold winter night. There are snow falling softly from the sky and they are returning back to campus after an evening out shopping. It’s Sunday and tomorrow there’s early morning classes for them both but they don’t regret going out. Jinki’s heart is beating loudly in his chest but for once he’s happy he’s physically unable to blurt out something embarrassing. Something like “I’m in love with you”, because right now that is all he feels. Overwhelming love for the man beside him. Kibum stops in front of the bus stop first and Jinki is halted by Kibum’s sudden stop. He forms his mouth in an ‘O’ and Kibum smiles and shakes his head.

“You’d get so lost without me, you know?” he says and Jinki nods because he knows. They sit on the bench in the bus stop so they don’t have to stand up the next 7 minutes before the bus arrives and leans onto his shoulder again. Kibum fumbles with his phone and Jinki closes his eyes.

“You’re also cute, do you know that?” Kibum whispers a minute later and Jinki feels his heart skip a beat. He’s not sure he’s supposed to have heard that or if Kibum thinks he’s asleep. He’s a little afraid that his cover is blown with how hard his heart is beating in his chest but he stays silent with his eyes closed until Kibum gently shakes him and says his name out loud.

When Jinki lies in his bed that night, he keeps repeating Kibum’s sentence in his head. Jinki doesn’t get a lot of sleep.

 

“You should join, Jinki,” Kibum says and Jinki reluctantly agrees. He still hasn’t told Kibum about the day he lost his voice and while he thinks he’s completely over his trauma, joining the party Kibum is inviting him to is still scary. It’s so scary that Jinki stands outside the front door of the building for 5 minutes before he rings the door bell and is invited inside and up to the apartment.

The apartment is overflowing with beer cans and soju bottles and most of the people inside is drunk. Taemin, Kibum’s roommate, is there as well, dancing with a smaller woman. Jinki thinks he does fairly well throughout the evening, not reacting much to the clinking.

It isn’t until a bottle smashes on the kitchen floor, that everything goes wrong. Jinki goes rigid and forgets everything. He feels paralysed, the pain is his arm suddenly spiking up again. The pain is overwhelming but the memory even more so and Jinki feels tears track down his cheeks. He’s unable to do anything as the feeling of hands slink about his throat and he starts scratching at it furiously. Jinki can faintly hear someone call his name, but he’s so far in his memory and his panic attack that it isn’t enough.

It isn’t until an ambulance arrives that Jinki manages to return to reality. He hasn’t been choked, his arm and shoulder isn’t broken anymore. The only thing is his beating heart that is beating to prove that he is still alive. Jinki cries for hours in Kibum’s shoulder after that. He’s shaken by the panic attack and the forgotten memories. Kibum looks at him with worried eyes but knows that Jinki can’t tell him what happened. Jinki feels sorry that Kibum has to see him in such a state but he’s too exhausted to do anything but cling to Kibum’s shoulder and cry.

 

Kibum looks at him with worried eyes when Jinki wakes up. Jinki blinks a few times before his eyes adjust to the sunlight in the room before he realizes he’s not in the dorm.

“You fell asleep yesterday. We borrowed Junghee’s bedroom. Don’t worry about it.”

Jinki can hear the unsaid ‘please tell me what happened’ but he can’t do that. He can’t relive it once again.

“You don’t have to hurry anywhere. Are you okay?”

Kibum gently removes the hair from his eyes and looks at him with wide, brown eyes. Jinki swallows the lump in his throat before he nods. He’s okay. Kibum then buries his head in Jinki’s shoulder and Jinki blinks surprised.

“I was so afraid!”

The low sobbing is the only proof that Kibum is crying. Jinki awkwardly lifts his hand to pat Kibum’s back as Kibum cries into his chest. Jinki doesn’t want to hurt Kibum more than necessary and this seems to have hurt him a lot. He doesn’t want Kibum to ever see Jinki hurting in a panic attack and he doesn’t want to tell Kibum the trauma that lies behind. Instead he waits until Kibum’s breathing steadies before he slinks out of bed and tip-toes into the living room.

“Jinki!” a woman says behind him and Jinki spins around in surprise. She’s smaller than him, but her gaze is stern. She has platinum blonde hair but a small, skinny frame. “Are you okay? Kibum was so worried about you. You’re not leaving, are you?”

Jinki doesn’t really know what to answer but he assumes a nod is answer enough to all her questions. It only has her squinting at him. Jinki sends her a small smile before he turns around again and leaves the apartment and Kibum behind.

 

jonghyun.948 says

so youre an idiot

 

dlstmxkakwldrl says

I guess

 

jonghyun.948 says

seriously it cant be so bad that you cant tell your boyfriend

 

dlstmxkakwldrl says

It is. And he’s not my boyfriend.

 

Jinki skips classes the next week and locks the door to his room. He excuses himself with illness but he’s hiding, hoping not to meet Kibum. He’s not answering Kibum’s texts and the other man has soon stopped sending them. Jinki seeks comfort in his friends on the internet and his games and tries to forget all about Kibum, but he’s in love and forgetting is hard. Jinki has just heated a cup ramen when someone knocks on his door. He opens it with the cup ramen in hand and suddenly stands face to face with Kibum.

“Move,” Kibum says and then opens the door. Jinki doesn’t move quickly enough and the door hits his shoulder lightly. Kibum closes the door behind him when he’s inside the dorm room.

“I have something I need to tell you.”

Kibum takes a deep breath before he continues.

“That at the party scared me! But it scared me even more when you had just left. And now you’re avoiding me. Do you know how much it hurts?”

Jinki looks down at the floor.

“If it was just platonic feelings I had, I could have excused it with you being an but I can’t fall asleep because you’re on my mind all the time and I need to know what I’ve done wrong. You can’t just leave me like that and at least not tell me.”

Kibum then shoves his phone towards Jinki. It’s unlocked and Jinki takes it in one hand. His thumb is hovering over the buttons but he can’t get himself to type anything Kibum has done wrong. Instead he shakes his head. Kibum just waits impatiently on the words he so desperately needs right now. Jinki focuses his gaze back on the phone before he types out a sentence.

You haven’t done anything wrong

Kibum reads it and scoffs.

“You can’t say that and avoid me! I must have done something.”

Jinki shakes his head again, this time more confident.

I don’t want to hurt you

Jinki hands the phone back and Kibum reads it with an incredulous look.

“Right… So, you don’t want to hurt me so avoiding me is better than telling me what the is wrong? You’re hurting me Jinki. Avoiding me is hurting me so badly!”

Jinki looks towards the floor and bites his lower lip.

“Don’t you understand Jinki?” Kibum says and grabs his shoulders and shakes him a little. The ramen in Jinki’s hand spills a little onto the floor but neither of them care.

Jinki looks up when Kibum shakes him, their eyes meeting and before any of them knows how it happens, they’re kissing. Kibum has his hands around Jinki’s shoulders, pressing him closer, and Jinki lets go of the ramen so he can wrap his hands around Kibum’s waist.

When they pull away, they’re both flushed pink.

“I’m sorry,” Kibum says. “I shouldn’t have kissed you. It’s … It was stupid. I’m in love with you, I guess it’s not that secret anymore. I’m sorry. Maybe it’s better if I leave.”

Jinki doesn’t know how to shut him up so he leans close and kisses him again. Kibum melts instantly into the kiss and Jinki’s heart is beating so loud it’s the only thing he can hear, but it’s beautiful. Being here with Kibum is scary and beautiful at the same time.

When Jinki lets go he looks to the floor to hide his blush and then notices his spilled ramen and pouts. Kibum chuckles when he notices it too.

 

Kibum cries when Jinki tells him how he lost his voice. Jinki is not nearly as affected as he thought he would be. Writing it down is almost therapeutic and he has left out the most gruesome details. Kibum still hugs him close when they fall asleep in the evening, a kiss pressed to his nape to assure him that Kibum will protect him from everything evil.

 

“Mountain bunny, bunny

Where are you going?

Hopping, hopping while running,

Where are you going?”

 

Jinki’s voice is sounding through the speakers. It’s a recording made in music class in kindergarten. He had sung it to Kibum at the time, hoping to get the younger boy to sing or at least hum along. Now his recorded voice is singing it to Kibum, while Kibum is humming along with teary eyes. Jinki hasn’t heard his own voice ever since he went mute. His parents don’t have a lot of recordings of him, most of them getting lost when Jungho moved in with his mother. This one is the last of Jinki really singing.

Kibum leans against Jinki and links their hands. The gesture is intimate and Jinki knows that he’s loved. He knows that Kibum appreciates him, even without the voice. He knows that what he did as an innocent child made a huge difference for another child. That the same child he saved in Kindergarten would be the one to save him in College, Jinki hadn’t know. Now he couldn’t be happier.