“Namjoon-shi?” Seokjin tries to catch the attention of shivering man next to him who is curled up like a ball in his king size black bed. The red silk blanket which perfectly hides the tall man under it is like a tomb in the flat land. Inside the dark room, though he only sees blackness, Seokjin carefully observes the room which faithfully keeps his owner for more than two weeks and he finds nothing in this room to be the right excuses for Namjoon to avoid the dazzling world outside. Seokjin still stands in the place where he put his first step inside this room. With no light it is impossible for him to walk freely without bumping on something, break some vases or slipped of some clothes so, rather than ignites other problems, he chooses to stand still.

“Namjoon-shi, if I turn the lamp on, is it okay for you?” Seokjin tries to arrange the most proper words he can offer, said it softly like whispers cause when the single alphabet is not accepted by the other guy, Seokjin will tear the peacefulness that were hardly maintained. There is no response unless groans as a disapproval. But Seokjin never gives up, he used to be trapped among the sanity and insanity, the certainty and uncertainty and of course, simplicity and difficulty. “If I slightly open the curtain, is it still no Namjoon-shi?” again, no responses unless groans and some hiccups and in this state, Seokjin knows he should not ask anymore, rather than that, he should act.

With the steps that he takes carefully, he forces himself to be there where the other guy needs him, no matter how many times his flawless body hit the table or the sofa though he only walks about two meters. And when he feels the soft bed under his fingers, he finally senses his own fear is lessened. Finally he has clues he is not missing and ends up being inside the jungle or somewhere. Seokjin runs his fingers through the soft silk for getting the sign of other presence around him, but as far as he goes, he still finds nothing. Seokjin visits this room more than he visits his own room so he absolutely knows how big this bed is for a single man who always curls his body up. Namjoon only uses a quarter of this big bed and the rest is occupied by the coldness from the AC and loneliness. Seokjin sits in the bed for expanding his hand’s range and finally he touches the soft mint-smells hair which is prominent among the flat bed and he finally can smile widely.

“There is someone hurt you Namjoon-shi?” Seokjin more than know when Namjoon is on his breakdown, there will always something triggers it, cause never once Namjoon being in pain if others don’t give it, cause never once Namjoon being in his breakdown if others don’t make him. To be honest, Seokjin does not need to ask again cause the answer is obvious but Seokjin still hopes he will hear other reason which is worth enough for Namjoon to skip the sun which is eagerly shines, the rain that sometimes falls heavily and the sky that is still blue. And Seokjin is true, though Seokjin is inches away from Namjoon, Seokjin knows Namjoon nodded for his question. “Mind to tell me Namjoon-shi?” Namjoon shakes his head, tries to hide but the truth is, he needs to be comforted, Seokjin knows it more than anyone. “Do you remember what I told you before Namjoon-shi?”

“Jin..?” The deep voices of Namjoon resonate inside the silence of this room, the deep voices Seokjin never heard for more than two weeks and the deep voices which is finally voiced. Though his voice was loud enough, Seokjin is aware that Namjoon is being in exhaustion. Who will not lack of energy when you have wasted your two weeks in a row cried with not even a single carbohydrate enter your digestion system?

“Yes?”

“Hug me.” Namjoon demands for attention, Namjoon craves for affection and Namjoon yearns for companion from Seokjin. Seokjin was away for more than two weeks and within those terrible weeks, if Namjoon was not sane enough he would kill his own self with the knife which is safely kept inside the drawer of the nightstand right away but the voices of Seokjin who called him through the phone every nights before he slept was enough for lessening Namjoon’s insanity though is not enough for healing the wounds Namjoon has. But the last two days, Seokjin was totally unreachable, Seokjin could not leave his responsibility for being a psychotherapist for earthquake victims in Japan, he needs to cure hundreds or even thousands hopes who is still alive but Seokjin forgot while healing others he almost killed an innocent live.

“Namjoon-shi I am sorry for…”

“Hug me.” Namjoon is being impatient. His voice is full of forces despite his weak condition. Seokjin in other hand can’t say no towards Namjoon. He ever tried once and for once only and that was enough for him to regret it. He can’t witness the desperate Namjoon cause he will kill you only by his brown orbs. Seokjin slowly climbs the bed with some doubts, he is aware he crosses the line, he breaks the professionalism and he ruins his own vows but if he has other options, then he will never let himself for being this submissive. Seokjin lies down beside Namjoon who corners himself with the cold wall. Seokjin keeps the distance cause Seokjin just thinks he should not cross the line than it is supposed to be.

“Closer.”

“But Namjoon-shi…”

“Closer Jin.” Seokjin does not have any option in the first place, he never had ones and he will never have ones. Seokjin still does not understand why Namjoon being this clingy towards him. He has been being Namjoon’s personal psychotherapist since three years ago but as time flies away, Namjoon seems can’t control himself and desperately needs Seokjin around him. Though Namjoon’s father is one of the most well-known psychotherapists and an owner of the psychotherapy center where Seokjin works at, Namjoon’s father gives his up on Seokjin. And Namjoon’s mother who has passed away since Namjoon was still fourteen years old gives other pressure for Seokjin. “Wraps me in your arms, let me taste every inches of you.”

Seokjin can’t move his body but only take off the blanket from Namjoon, and Seokjin who is slightly adjusted with this darkness finally can see the round head with messy hair style. This really close distance among Namjoon and him is more than enough for Seokjin. He just can’t easily touch each other like couples. He has to maintain the professionalism on him, he has to think his career can’t be ruined by this little disturbance. But as far as he goes, Namjoon always finds the way to chase after him. And just like this, the fragile Namjoon only needs to grab Seokjin’s wrist and drags him really close to Namjoon’s side and Namjoon stir his body towards Seokjin embrace, snuggling to the crook of Seokjin’s neck. Seokjin is taken aback but he can do nothing, he pulls Namjoon closer if it’s possible, but something is off. The wide chest he used to know is lost, the strong arms are gone replaced by the skinny ones and it only ignites other guilt of Seokjin. “Namjoon-shi?” Seokjin tries to gain Namjoon’s attention, there are a lot of things they should talk about. “Namjoon-shi?” But seems Namjoon does not care or does not hear. “Namjoon-ah?”

“Hm?”  Namjoon craves for comfort, needs for affection and Seokjin is aware of it. Seokjin always tries his best for raining Namjoon with the sense which was still left on him but Seokjin always finds himself fails on distinguishing the roles he has taken, as a psychotherapist or as a more-than-psychotherapist. Seokjin often finds himself passes the forbidden boundaries and he finds it is stupid. But though Seokjin knows the lines he has passed, he does not stop or does not want to stop to be honest and he finds it is more than stupid. “Why you left Jin? And you did not ask for my permission.” Namjoon is desperate for having the right excuses why he was left in the first place and Seokjin has prepared thousands of it.

“I asked you Namjoon-shi and you said yes.” Seokjin his crown for preventing he burst in tears. Namjoon is shaking under Seokjin’s embrace and Seokjin shirt is little bit soaked.

“Namjoon-ah, Jin-ah.” True. Seokjin is trying on suicide. Seokjin could end two lives at the same time cause Namjoon would kill Seokjin first and then Namjoon himself if Seokjin kept on calling Namjoon like a stranger. “And you asked for a week.., but then you left two weeks, you even could not be contacted, Jinie…” True again. Namjoon only gave a week for Seokjin for being away with Namjoon but Seokjin broke those promises. “I was breathing, but I was not living.” Namjoon can’t be controlled for this time, he only lightly hit Seokjin’s chest while kicking Seokjin’s legs and Seokjin will let him be at least till Namjoon is slightly conscious. “I was  breathing but I was dying. I always thought it would be better if I was not breathing at all.”

“I asked for two weeks and you said yes Namjoon-ah.” Seokjin cringes with what Namjoon said. Was Namjoon that helpless? Seokjin is grateful that his presence is meaningful for others but in this circumstance, Seokjin feels he is worthless.

“No. You asked for A WEEK ONLY.” Seokjin tried on lying but it was tougher than he had thought. Namjoon is good on memory and Seokjin should not play with it even once. Seokjin bits his lower lip, thinking what he supposed to say for convincing Namjoon.

“Japanese was on trouble and I needed to take care of them. I should take care of Naruto author, so you can read the comics for a long time, should not I?” Namjoon loves anime, so Seokjin is sure, Namjoon will buy his bait for this time.

“You saved him but you killed me. It’s useless Jin-ah.” Seokjin sighs deeply, the Namjoon he is having now is the vulnerable Namjoon. When the vulnerable Namjoon is on, Seokjin does not have any options, the vulnerable Namjoon is so detail and Seokjin has nowhere to escape.

“How long you have been here?” Seokjin is trying to see through the darkness he has used to be, and he finds nothing, Namjoon’s room is still the same unless the crumpled bed sheet and blanket which was never changed since the last time Seokjin changed it a month ago. Seokjin tilts his head to have better view of Namjoon who is still hiding under his embrace, Seokjin observes Namjoon thoroughly and it only enhances the guilt of Seokjin. Namjoon has lost so much weight, his bones are only covered with thin layer of skin, his collarbones are so much prominent and his chubby cheeks are not so adorable anymore.  And what amazes Seokjin more is the fact that Namjoon is still wearing the Micky Mouse pajama Seokjin gave since the last night Seokjin sang lullaby for Namjoon before he went to Japan. That Micky Mouse pajama is crumbled as if justified what Namjoon had done for two weeks.

“Two weeks a day, 3 hours, 36 minutes, 5 seconds.” Seokjin drops his jaw though he had known it. Namjoon had locked himself since Seokjin’s departure. Namjoon’s maids were worried when he called Seokjin in the first day Seokjin was in Japan, they said Namjoon locked himself and did not want to come out, not even for eating. The maids won’t never put a single finger of them on Namjoon’s possession, so they in the end did nothing unless reported Namjoon’s condition to Seokjin. It is a lie if Seokjin was not worried back then. But Seokjin had other priority and Seokjin thought, by his leaving Namjoon could be more independent but then it was totally wrong. When he came home he found the lifeless and soulless Namjoon. “I counted every seconds passed in hope it could kill the time but I was killed instead.” Seokjin embraces Namjoon tighter in redemption for his absence. Seokjin hopes, tighter he embraces, faster Namjoon heals.

“You did not eat Namjoon-ah?” Of course he did not. Namjoon is a picky eater, he will loss his appetite in second if the menu is not he has craved for. And Seokjin’s absence only worsened Namjoon’s appetite.

“Lost my appetite.” Seokjin is true. Seokjin did not need to ask cause more than anyone, he knows Namjoon won’t even take a glance for foods and just starving for many days. But Seokjin tried for ensuring his own self that Namjoon at least changed a bit, he would not weaken his body for more than a week but the answer Namjoon gave was enough for Seokjin to know Namjoon is Namjoon.

“You know you can’t continuously hurt your self Namjoon-ah.”

“And you know I won’t eat without you beside me.” Namjoon is insane and Seokjin knows that. Seokjin could easily yell, scold, leave Namjoon in the first place but he knows those actions only lead Namjoon to his death. Seokjin could give up in the first place but he knows once he did that, Namjoon was only a name.

“Namjoon, how many times I say you have to live whether I am with you or not. I can’t always be with you. I can’t stand beside you for the rest of your life. I won’t help you every time you need me.” Seokjin takes deep sigh. His tiredness is not even gone, his long journey in Japan was no joke, he could not rest well when other people and his own self were threatened with the earthquakes which always came. “I will live my own life, so will you. We can’t be like this forever, I mean everything absolutely changes.” Seokjin stares the white ceiling which chandelier is beautifully hanged on it. Though in the darkness, he knows any details of this room, he have spent a half of his life on this cozy room and within those years nothing has changed. His right hand never stops on the shaking Namjoon. Seokjin hears soft whimpers and Seokjin feels wetness around his chest. Namjoon is one of the strongest men he ever knows but when Seokjin starts to bring this topic up, Namjoon is never success on holding his tears back. Seokjin does not have heart for hurting Namjoon especially when Namjoon is such in breakdown state but it’s the only chance for him to make Namjoon listen to him.

“N-no…” Hoarse voices are echoing in this quiet place, every single breath they take is like a loud thunder. “Jin-ah , you promise me we will always be together.”

“Never Namjoon, you assume it by yourself.” The warm body under Seokjin’s embraces is contrast with the AC-ed room. The warmth radiates through his cells and Seokjin can’t help but sweating. Right now Seokjin is having serious chat with Namjoon which if Seokjin makes a little mistakes, no one can come out from this dark room. “You used to say we will be always together and I never even once agree with it nor nod my head on it.”

“Then, will you be with me forever? I am asking right now, not assuming.” Namjoon forces his dizzy head for looking for Seokjin’s beads which can calm his furious heart beats and heavy breaths. Namjoon seeks calmness on brown beads and when Seokjin stares him back, though they are wrapped in the darkness, Namjoon still sees the same love which is never lessened. Namjoon stares the face he has longed for, he has missed, he has craved to see. The pale face of the latter sends thrills on him, though he is being selfish bastard right now, he can’t deny Seokjin is also in pain. But Namjoon hopes for more. Namjoon hopes Seokjin never gives up on him. Namjoon needs Seokjin for living.

“Namjoon…” Seokjin takes the deepest sigh while closing his eyes, seeking for the right words in the darkness inside his eyes. “No. We will be in different ways.”

“Which way you take? I will follow.” Namjoon is unbeatable, he is stubborn as stone and he is ambitious as a monster. Namjoon wrap his hand around Seokjin and snuggles closer to Seokjin in hope the skin ship they share can break the tough wall of Seokjin. “I could easily kill myself Jin-ah, but when I tried to, only your face that holding me back. I could run away in no time but I always realize if I chose to, I would not see my sunshine anymore.”

“But Namjoon it is impossible.” The possibility for them for being together is only 1%. It will be hard for them for being together, they just can’t. “If we are together, we will face scarier reality.” Seokjin can’t tell Namjoon yet. Seokjin never has guts on telling him about it cause Seokjin won’t ignite other state which not even him or Namjoon can handle.

“No. Trust me, I will change. I know I am like a burden for you, but I will change anything so you will feel comfort around me, you will feel being loved Jin.” No, that’s not Seokjin’s point. Namjoon misunderstands it and it is understandable, Namjoon knows nothing unless the fact that Namjoon has mental disorder and the truth is beyond that. Namjoon emphasizes any words he has said as if he really meant it. The eyes which are slightly closed are finally widely opened with the passion inside on it.

Seokjin’s phone vibrates under his pocket, another hurricane is coming Seokjin thoughts inwardly. Namjoon is aware of it and has sent Seokjin glare with pouts and some whines and really that is not really helping. Seokjin only needs rest for re-upgrading himself but he has known he never has the priority for himself. Seokjin read the ID caller and Seokjin is not surprised at all, he is almost 5 times a week called by the same ID. Seokjin take a glance to Namjoon, ask for permission and Namjoon does nothing, Seokjin just breathes heavily. “Hello?” Seokjin listens nothing but heavy breaths, he waits and still nothing but the screams on the other line is enough for jolting Seokjin. Seokjin almost slips the phone he grabs. Seokjin listens again, carefully and he again hears screams and a lot of “Help!”. Seokjin does not need longer time to know what his client being into. Seokjin closes the line ready to pull away from Namjoon and Namjoon knows Seokjin is ready to leave him with loneliness again.  Namjoon shakes his head vigorously even when Seokjin does not explain yet. “Namjoon-ah I need to go. Please eat! I will call someone to bring you meal. I will be back soon.” Seokjin is ready to go but he is stopped by the loud cries and he knows whose cries are those. Namjoon with his red eyes is not even moved but only stares Seokjin in despair. Namjoon needs Seokjin more than anything. Namjoon is not satisfied with Seokjin’s companion, he craves for the answer and the presence. He has lost his warmth and he has lost his sun, nothing he can do rather than plunges deeper to the coldness. Namjoon curls up his body like a ball again, hugging his knees and wraps the silk blanket around his shivering body while closing his ears in hope it will send him to the slumber sooner. “I’m sorry Namjoon-ah.” Seokjin leaves again and Namjoon dies again.

-R-