Music...

 

I slowly understand everything and eventually admit that I am undergoing depression after four months of therapies and antidepressants. The realization was gradual so it didn't hit me like a truck or anything but it did put me off balance. The thing that I felt after finally coming into terms with it is being lost. I am lost. For how long, I don't know. And I felt really small and scared all of a sudden. How can I let this happen? Why did this happen to me? How come they know it first than I did? What did I do to deserve this? There were a lot of questions, but the more they pile, the more I feel like I would never get the answer. And it only made it worse. I thought once I maybe accept that I am sick, it would be easier to recover from it. But no, somehow, it only dragged me down deeper.

The dorctor said it was natural. For someone like me who had been embracing depression for years, it would be really hard in the beginning. They said that it won't be that fast because both my brain and body adapted depression like it is a part of my personality, of my life, rather than a sickness eating me out. He explained to me that that's the reason why I lost interest in most things I liked to do before, like dancing and cooking and reading. That's the reason why I'd rather sleep everything off rather than to get angry or excited or be bothered about things in life. That's the reason why I'd rather lock myself for days and weeks with no end rather than put myself in socializing or having fun. Because depression drains you out emotionally that it affects your body that makes you lazy and tired all the time.

The thing I hate about it too is that I don't know how to act anymore. The doctor said that I've let depression live inside me so almost all my actions are results of my sickness. It made me think that I really don't know myself. And if I don't know myself, how could my friends know me too? The only good thing that came out from this is their ever lasting support. Although it annoys me a great deal of time, I'm still thankful that they're not getting tired of me yet. Especially because I'm really tiring. They tiptoed around me for most times and acts like I'm about to die half of the time, but I'm trying to understand that they're just worried about me.

And then there are the voices. I think that's the worst yet. The voices have been there ever since I can remember. But I never thought that it's the thing that's most dangerous. If before, I let it drown me for hours, consume my days and accompany me through the night, I was advised not to listen to them anymore. But it's hard. That's why I listen to them in the first place. That's why I let them stay in my head. Because it's tiring to fight something inside you. And they're too loud. I can hear them even with all the people chattering all over me.

"You're spacing out" A hand grabbed my shoulder and I flinched. Realising that I once again got lost in my thoughts while I'm out with friends. I looked apologetically on my left but he just smiled at me like he's not bothered with my reaction.
"They're loud" I whined because if there's someone who I can always rant and whine at, it's Soonyoung. He doesn't seem to mind and I think he even liked it since it makes me talk. He tilt his head, and it's cute, as if he's confused on who I'm talking about but I put my hands up and knock on the side of my head. Explaining without words who. He sighed.
"Come on" He said and I yelped when he pulled me down so my head ended up in his lap. Our friends didn't seem to mind, seeing that Lisa only followed our example and also lie down with her head on Mingyu's lap.
"Here" He handed me his big headphone (it covered all of my ears) before playing something loud. I was surprised but in the end, I enjoyed the songs. We lie there for hours. Him choosing songs after songs, in completely random genres and I listened to all of them. Because it kept the voices quiet until I can't hear them anymore.

Since then, it felt like I'm not the only one who's fighting the voices inside my head. Soonyoung felt like a body guard who wouldn't let the voices get near me. He made sure to put all sorts of songs in my phone and tablet, even in my laptop. We'd listen to music with no end. Whenever we're on our way to school, we'd share earphones on the bus. Or when we're walking home, he'd somehow conviced Lisa and Joshua to play loud songs from their phone and they don't even care if it attracts attention of people who we passed by. On our break times, I would lie my head on his lap as he plays songs after songs.

But Soonyoung isn't always on my side. Nor my friends. We have separate classes and we all have things to be busy of. Soonyoung has dance practices. Lisa and Mingyu has science club, and Joshua is in the school choir. And I can't let them drop everything just because I don't want to be alone. I don't want the voices to creep in cause I know for a fact that I would let them come in.

I skipped my last class for the day in exchange for going to the clinic. I'm not really sick, but the voices in my head are so loud I kept on spacing out and I can't focus. I considered going back to the apartment. But I wouldn't know what excuse to say that wouldn't make them worry.

One hour after trying to sleep, my phone buzzed and I found a text from Soonyoung.

Where are you?

Clinic.

Which one?

Our department.

I didn't received any reply but twenty minutes later, he's already beside me.
"Why are you here?" He asked as he sit on the edge of the bed.
"It's quiet" I told him and he looked at me as if he already knows what I'm trying to say.
"Do you want to go with me?" he asked, I stared at him confused.
"Where?"
"To paradise"

Paradise, in Soonyoung's word, is actually the noraebang. We ended up ditching all of our classes for the day and spent four hours, singing and screaming in the small confined space of the karaoke room.

"Do you still hear them?" He asked, a mischievous glint surrounding his eyes. And for some reason, I laughed out loud. Because trust Soonyoung to be so extra. He actually just dragged me to a karaoke just so I wouldn't be bothered by the voices.
"No" I smiled at him. And even if it is shallow, even if it is fleeting and for just a short moment, I can feel that I can be happy. That in 24 hours of a day, I can be happy even for just 24 seconds. And if I continue to fight the voices, if I continue to fight my sickness, 24 seconds would turn to 24 minutes and turn to 24 hours. I'll just have to try harder. Fight harder. Hold on tighter.
"Good, and you won't hear them for awhile because we're not done!" and he screamed loudly as he played another upbeat song. And with all the reservations I had, I sing along.

I look at the headphones that Soonyoung gave me. Technically it's still his, but he makes me keep them. Said that if it helps block the thoughts, he won't think twice about giving them to me. Even though it costs four times expensive than the ones I own. I don't want to accept it, but he keeps on insisting that we compromise. It still his, but we share.

But it doesn't do its usual wonders.

It doesn't block the voices no matter how loud I play the music. I still hear them when I usually don't. And it's making me scared. Because I know that if I listen even for just a second, I would never be able to go away from it. I'll let it drown me. And let it eat me. Because it's easier that way.

So I did the next thing that comes to my mind. Call Soonyoung.

It took eight rings (I counted), eight rings before he answered his phone. And his voice is so groggy, and I figured out that he must be sleeping and I woke him up. In the dead of the night. Just because I can't stand being alone with my thoughts. And it's so stupid of me, so wrong, that I depended on him, on them to shield me from my thoughts. I should be the one fighting it, I shouldn't burden them with what's supposed to be my own problem.

"Minra, are you there?" I didn't notice that I still have the phone against my ear, and Soonyoung repeatedly calling my name.
"I'm sorry. Keep sleeping" I said and hang up right away. Hoping that sleep would take whatever consciousness Soonyoung has when I so rudely woke him up. I smiled bitterly. I am so annoying. Why do I keep bothering other people with my problems? Why am I so weak? I'm a grown woman. I should know how to handle myself, my thoughts. I don't even know why they even listen. Or why they even help me when they can't get anything from me but headache. Because I'm sick. Why would you want to be friends with someone that is sick? 

I flinched when continuous knocking was heard from my door. And I blanched again remember that I almost succumbed to my thoughts. Words and echos lingers in my mind as the knocking continues. But I don't bother to get up. I don't care whoever it is. For all I know, it's a ing murderer because who the knocks like that in the hours of.... 4 am? They're usually killers, right? That's what movies taught me.

When my phone ring, I sighed and looked at the caller. Cursing when the ID caller shows Soonyoung's name. I was hoping that he fell back to sleep. I answered it right away.

" you answered. Where are you? Why aren't you opening your door? Goddamn it, open it right now" He screamed on the phone and my eyes went wide as the realization hit me. I scrambled from the bed, leaving my phone there even without answering Soonyoung and hurriedly open my door.

What I saw is Soonyoung pacing back and forth, with his phone against is ear, and his other hand clutching his hair as if he's going crazy.
"! Are you okay? What happened? Tell me what's wrong?" he immediately pulled us inside. And checked my arms, and body for something. I blinked at him.
"I'm... Okay?" I whispered. And he loudly sighed. Looking at me with worried eyes. And it just occured to me how wrong my actions were. Looking at his bed hair, and still on pajamas, he must've thought that there's something wrong with me and immediately go to me. In 4 in the morning. I feel ten times tier.
"I'm sorry" I told him and he shook his head.
"Why did you call and suddenly hang up? I was scared less" He said and pulled me into a hug. Where I gladly let myself melt and be wrapped around his grounding presence.
"I.... It won't stop. I keep hearing them. I didn't know what to do. I didn't realized that it's too late and I didn't want to bother you. But I already called you, and just... I'm sorry" I explained, babbling, feeling hot tears pressing inside my eyes. And I feel him hug me tighter.
"I'm here. I'm here. I told you, right? You can call me anytime. You can talk to me anytime. It's okay" He said and kept on rubbing my back. I didn't know that I'm already silently sobbing.
"It's not okay... I'm not okay. And I don't want to burden you. Or anyone. I'm such a-"
"Stop! It's okay. And you might not be okay, but I'm here okay? No matter, I'd be here. Stop listening to those voices. You'll never be a bother to me. To us. Okay?" He said and I just cried harder because I want to believe him. I know the truth, I know that he's being sincere. But my head won't let me hold on to it. It keeps on saying 'No, he's gonna leave'. 'No, he'll be tired of you'. Which I replied with a louder cry, because I don't want to hear it. Because he's Soonyoung. And if there's someone I can trust, it's him.
"It won't stop" I whined at him, and kept on crying. He just let me hold on to him tighter, whispering repeatedly that he's here.

There's already light when I calmed down. Even though the sun isn't up yet, the clouds are the colors of white and sky blue. Indicating the hours of early morning. And Soonyoung is still with me, petting my hair as he tells me random stories. There's Jihoon being mad with Mingyu, them constantly bickering. And there's Minghao who met some chinese girl in the academy he attends to, and his fail flirting. It's all random but I don't care. Because his voice keeps me relax.

In every music he makes me listen, it's his voice I always longed to. It's his voice that brings me back to reality, helps on making the bad thoughts go away, makes the voices quiet, and keeps me above and never lets me drown. With all the music he makes me listen, it's his voice that anchors me to life, and to him. He doesn't know it, but to every word he says, I cling to them tight and let it pull me back towards to him and away from the things that scares me. To every words he says, I let it wrap around me as if it shields me from all the bad things. He doesn't know it but him, and his voice, saves me from dying. And I might not be okay today, but as long as he's here, talking to me, I'd continue on holding on.

"I'm tired" I whispered, and he smiled down at me.
"I'll sing you to sleep" I nodded. And with his honey like voice, I fell asleep hoping one day that I'd keep hearing it, and one day where I'd be okay.