their mornings & evenings are spent together, their days apart.  taemin’s business keeps him away from their home & eunsook’s status keeps her there.  she enjoys their mornings together but finds herself counting the hours until the evening, when time is no longer a constraint.  she busies her mind & hands with soil & greenery. 

they eat their evening meals together & he takes her on walks & on horseback rides, fulfilling his promise made on their wedding day.  he’s caught her from falling twice & laughed at three jokes she had tentatively made.  smiling in his presence has become as reflexive as breathing.

it’s their talks that she especially looks forward to, after they’ve prepared for bed & before they slip beneath their respective sheets.  and the kiss he gives her when they’re through.  he’s asked her to name her favorite flower, season, dessert, fragrance, drink, animal, song, activity.  tonight it’s her favorite book.  he’s kissed her forehead, each of her eyebrows, both temples, both cheeks, & her nose.

tonight he seems to be leaning towards her jaw when she, on impulse, presses her fingers to his lips.  he stands frozen & she glances frantically between his eyes & his mouth.

“may i?”, she asks, her fingers slipping away.  he nods, his eyebrows crinkled in confusion.  she leans forward, her gaze focused on his mouth, closing her eyes just as she presses his lips with her own.  they’re soft & warm, & she thrills at the experience of their first kiss.  pulling back, she pauses before looking up, watching his face for a response.  his gaze is soft & she fidgets shyly beneath it.

“was that fine?”  he chuckles, & by now she knows that is a good response.

“yes, quite.  may i?”, he asks, his hands next to her jaw.  when she nods he slips them beside her neck, her cheeks with his thumbs.  he leans down & their lips connect again, the warmth & softness now familiar.  then he’s moving his lips, guiding her, & it’s even better.  she doesn’t understand everything he’s doing, & she fumbles more than once trying to follow his lead.  when he pulls away it is too swiftly: she is light-headed & her cheeks are flushed.

“how do you feel?”, he asks, & she smiles happily, amused at his concern.

“very well.”  she leans in for another kiss but he rebuffs her gently, stepping back & away from her.

“that is enough for this evening, i think.  we should get some rest for the morning.  good night, eunsook.”  he is in bed beneath his covers, his back to her before she’s able to reply a dazed, “good night.”  much of her night is spent in fitful bursts of slumber, unhappy dreams provoking wakefulness: doubt & disquiet keeping her awake.

her uncertainties are abated when she is awoken the next morning by the soft murmuring of her name.  her eyes open to the sight of her husband kneeling beside her bed with a timid smile & warm eyes.  she smiles back, glad to see his face.

“may i have another kiss before breakfast?  and perhaps another after?”  she giggles as she sits up quickly, climbing across the bed until she is at the very edge, sat in front of where he kneels.

“yes, that would be very nice.”, she replies, as this time she takes his face in her hands.

another night passes & she’s asking him to share her bed.  he stops fiddling with the button at his wrist & looks up, searching her face.

“i would like you to be with me tonight.”, she repeats, uncertain now at the silent response she’s received.  they have made so much progress in such a little time, their talks deepening & their affections growing.  she is certain she is ready.

“no.”  a simple word, quietly spoken.  one that stabs her in a way she’s never felt.  she had not anticipated her request being denied & his tone brokers no argument.  she drops her head & stares at the floor, no more words to speak at such a firm refusal.  the room echoes only their quiet breaths, not even a clocks tick to drown out the silence.

eunsook’s heart hurts & she thinks she might cry.  she wishes taemin a curt “good night” & turns to her bed as quickly as her feet will take her, slipping beneath the covers at the farthest edge, her back to where he sits at the other side of the room.  tears do fall, silent sobs wracking her body.  the only things that would give her away if he were to look too closely are the shallow breaths she takes.  she does her best to muffle them, pressing the pillow to her lips.

a soft creak is heard, followed soon by the steady breaths of taemin’s sleep.  it’s another wound to her pride & she cries a bit more.

her head aches & is sore & she just wants to sleep.  it comes in fits filled with heart-breaking dreams that wake her with fresh tears on her cheeks.  the third time she wakes she decides she cannot endure it anymore.  the sound of her husband calmly sleeping while her mind is troubled is too much to bear alone.  she slips out of her bed & leaves the bedroom.

the night is warm & the grass is soft beneath her feet.  if she hadn’t been in such a hurry to escape the confines of their room she would have slipped coverings over her feet.  instead they are bare & chilled, growing dirty with every step she takes over the darkened lawn.

there had been no intention in her steps yet here she finds herself beside the fledgling blossom presented to her on the day she was wed.  it wasn’t so long ago yet it feels as though it were ages.    leaves painted black by the moon slip between her fingers like velvet.  it’s odd, she thinks, as she tilts her head to stare at the stars & the sliver of moon that glitter in the sky above, that she should in this moment feel so alone when she has been so publicly bound.  a sigh escapes her lips & her chest aches at the thought of gwiboon.

“you’re like a fairy princess!”, she had exclaimed, eyes bright as she braided eunsook’s hair.  her head had rested against gwiboon’s lap as the younger girl’s thin fingers worked through her tresses.  “off to meet your prince.”

“yes,” eunsook had murmured, “meet.”  a silence descended upon them, the only sound the slight rustle of gwiboon’s gown as her fingers wove the strands of hair together.  the braid slipped into her lap & neither of the girls moved.

“perhaps he will be handsome.”  it was a weak attempt at consolation, every other avenue easily blocked by her cousin’s melancholy. 

“perhaps.”, eunsook murmured, finding gwiboon’s hand & gripping it with her own.  gwiboon bent over & kissed eunsook’s forehead, leaning back & tilting her head to rest it upon her cousin’s.  the stuttered rise & fall of the elder’s chest was the only indication of the tears silently gliding down her cheeks as thin fingers ran up & down her arm.

her fingers graze the places where the tears fell as she closes her eyes & remembers the way gwiboon’s lips felt against her skin.  a lifetime of memories swirl out & she wraps herself in every one of them, remembers the love they shared: stolen kisses, soft caresses, & warm embraces.

the memories are vital now, she needs them for courage & for hope.  to remember that she had been loved, to believe that she could be again.  looking down at the bud in her hand she is met with evidence that she has been thought worthy of such a beautiful gift. 

enough time has been spent wallowing, she thinks, just as the distant crunch of a guard’s boot against the gravel echoes in the dark.  startled, she rises from her vigil & hurries back inside.  the doorknob is gripped in her hand as she closes the paned door as quietly as possible, the click of the lock far too loud in the silent house.  she stands still, listening to the sound of her own breaths as she waits to be discovered.  there is nothing, no one, only herself alone in the dark.  her eyes flit up to the moon that still glows, stars flickering in the black sky.  a few shaky breathes are taken as she simply stares at the celestial beauty, admiring their lights.

eventually a calm settles itself like a soft blanket & she steps away from the window.  the walk back to her chamber is quiet & dim, only the moonlight shining through the windowed hallway to guide her steps.  the knob feels cold in her hand as she twists it, struggling with the door that is nearly too heavy for her to push open when it whips from her grasp, flying open so quickly that it nearly pulls her with it.  she grasps the doorpost for balance as she’s met with her husband’s mussed hair & panicked eyes, his breaths as rapid as her own.

they stare at each other, their eyes wide: hers with surprise & his with fear.

“eunsook.”  he swallows as he stares at her, not moving from where he blocks her entry into their room.  it is not a question but it is her name, yet she is not entirely certain how to respond so she merely nods in affirmation.  they’re at an impasse, she in the hallway with her hand pressed against the frame of the door taemin grips with white fingers & he’s staring at her still.

“i was having trouble sleeping so i went out to the gardens.”  perhaps an explanation of her absence is necessary, perhaps that is what he is waiting to hear before he allows her passage.  yet he still doesn’t move, he still stares at her, & she’s becoming frightened that she may have angered him with her actions.  maybe she wasn’t allowed to leave without his permission in the night.  he had said that it was her home & garden to roam through as she pleased but perhaps that was only during the day. 

he’s still staring at her & her heart is thumping in her chest & she is afraid.  the only thing she can think of to do is to apologize for whatever it is that is keeping him from letting her in.  just as she opens to speak he releases the knob & pulls her into his arms, his embrace tight & warm, his breath soft against her neck.  he has her shoulders locked in his arms & she awkwardly raises her hands to his waist, resting her palms just above his hips.  they stand silently in the doorway as eunsook’s husband holds his wife close.

he's holding her almost painfully tight & she is torn between requesting that he release her & relishing the feel of their bodies touching.  it is a relief & a distress when he pulls away, his hands warm against her shoulders as he presses his forehead to hers, his breaths soft & the only sound between them.  her eyes rest on his nose, crossing slightly as she waits, her hands still resting at his waist.

“may i kiss you?”, he asks, his eyes still closed & their foreheads pressed together.  she begins to nod then thinks better of it.

“yes.”

he lifts his hands from her shoulders & tilts his head back, cupping her face in his hands as he looks at her again with that inscrutable gaze that makes her heart ache.  his fingers brush the loose strands of hair away from her face, petting her head beneath his palms before they slide again against her cheeks.  and then he kisses her, his lips soft & warm against her own.  it’s unlike any of the kisses they have shared before; this one is urgent, passionate, & she’s left breathless when he deepens it, the sensation both foreign & welcome.

eunsook is gasping for air when they finally pull apart, her eyes closed & her lips tingling.  her fingers still rest at taemin’s waist & her face remains cradled within his palms.  she is dimly aware that her feet still rest on the cool wooden floorboards of the hallway, the darkness thick behind her, & she wants to step across the threshold, towards her husband, towards the light.

for now, it is enough just to be held by him, to feel the warmth of his fingers against her skin, the muscles beneath his tunic flexing with every stifled breath.

“i was frightened,” he whispers, “when i found you had gone.”  eunsook’s eyes fly open & she looks at him in distress, his own eyes still pressed shut.  he lets out a shaky breath that blows against her lips, a ghost of a kiss.  she wants to know why he was scared, why her absence had upset him so.  she thinks it better to let him have this moment, to grace him with silence.  so she simply holds him, quietly, letting him hold her in return.

they stand there for moments or hours; eunsook loses all track of time.  abruptly, he steps away, his fingers slipping from her cheeks & her hands falling from his waist, limp at her sides.

“perhaps we should go to bed.”, he murmurs, his eyes slowly rising to meet hers.  her heart skips a beat because she’s not sure he means what she’s hearing, & she’s almost too afraid to ask.

almost.

“we?”  her voice is soft & meek, tentatively hopeful, & she can feel the blush blooming across her cheeks.

“if it will keep you here, yes.”

her heart breaks at the reply.

“i will stay either way.”  all this time he had been so careful to move in a manner & a speed that catered to her comforts, her needs, her apprehensions.  to think that he would sacrifice his own honor to acquiesce to her desires is abhorrent, & she can’t imagine hurting this man she has grown to love in any way.

and she does love him, she realizes, standing just outside of their bedroom, the cold wood floor now warmed beneath her bare feet.  she smiles encouragingly & waits. 

he watches her with uncertainty.  the silence between them is heavy & she shifts uncomfortably beneath its hold.

“i do want to lie with you, eunsook.  more than words can express i desire it.”  his words are slow & her brows furrow in confusion because his words are not matching his mournful tone.  “but i do not think you yet understand what that means.  there are things we should do first, steps we should take together.  perhaps you feel pressured to please me in this way but i assure you there is still time.”

enough has passed, she thinks, as she nods silently.

“we can start now, if you like.”

 this is not what she was expecting.  she was expecting a dismissal, a command to their separate beds, a repetition of the refusal she had received earlier that evening.  she nods again as he reaches out his hand, taking it as she finally steps through the door.  it’s so quiet that even its gentle shut crackles through the room & she shudders both at the sound & the sudden anticipation.

~

 he leads her to their bed, setting her down so that she is seated at the very foot.  his hands are at either side of her thighs, pressed into the linens that cover the bed.  he’s looking at her with concern, trepidation, & she opens to assure him that he doesn’t need to do anything he isn’t comfortable doing.  his hands move from the bed onto her thighs, massaging them gently with his thumbs, his eyes never leaving hers. 

“tell me if you want me to stop.  no matter what we are doing, no matter what you think i want.  any time you decide you want to stop we will stop.  promise me.”

“yes, i promise.”

it’s an easy enough thing to agree to.  everything they have done until now has been pleasant, she has enjoyed it all, & she loves him, believes that he would never hurt her.  why would she ever feel uncomfortable?  he leans forward & she meets him halfway, slipping her arms around his neck as their lips meet, their kiss deepening, all the while her thighs are massaged beneath his expert thumbs.

she gasps & pulls back, still caught in their kiss, her hands slipping down to brace against his shoulders.  she’s frightened now, suddenly understanding the full reality of what she’s asking him to do.  memories of the examination she had endured to ensure her al state before the engagement was agreed upon, & the one just days before their wedding, suddenly burn in her brain & she visibly shudders.  he slips his hands back up to where they had rested on her thighs only a moment ago, concern in his eyes.

“do you want to stop?”  she watches him, nervously, not certain how she wants to respond.  it was surprising but not unpleasant, not like before but she’s somewhat afraid it will be if they continue.  but she doesn’t want to stop.

“no.”, she replies, though her voice doesn’t sound certain.  she repeats the negation more forcefully & sighs when her husband doesn’t look convinced.  “i was just surprised, that’s all.”

“i’m sorry, i should have asked first.”

“it’s alright.”, she murmurs, smiling down at him.  he still looks uncertain, still isn’t moving.  she leans down & takes his face in her hands kissing him gently, softly, chastely.  she leans back, smiling, his face cradled in her palms as she watches the first glimmers of hope shine in his eyes.  “i trust you.”

what he does to her that night is nothing like what she endured against her will.  everything he does is everything she has done herself, more even, in ways that set off nerves she wasn’t even aware she had. 

there is no fantasizing about the stable boys & what she had witnessed, no thoughts of how beautiful her cousin looked in the sunlight.  she is present in the moment & the man she loves is caressing her body: she’s not certain how many times she has calls out his name before he stops.

they spend the next few nights in the same manner, eunsook lost to the pleasure taemin’s hands & lips bring her, blushing when she thinks of the things he has done with his tongue.  it’s exquisite & she laughs to think she was ever frightened. 

she’s lying on her back, pressed against the pillows, her night dress pressed up to her waist, still too bashful to bare herself fully.  taemin’s head is between her legs, her fingers tangled in his hair as he crooks his fingers inside her.  her breath comes in quick, desperate gasps as he flicks out his tongue.

his name is on her lips as she cries out, eyelids fluttering.  he’s pressing soft kisses to the inside of her thighs, massaging them his hands.  he has praised her thighs constantly, seems mesmerized by them, & she flushes with joy at his attentions. 

“have you done this with many?”  it is a question that has weaved itself through her thoughts yet she never meant to voice it aloud.  she gasps & covers with her hand, horrified at what she has just done, apologies spilling over her lips.  taemin only chuckles, kissing her thigh once more before sitting up, pressing her legs back together.

“would you prefer if i had not?”  she pauses before she whispers, “it would have been fairer.”

“ah.”  he’s still chuckling, not quite meeting her eyes now, clearly amused.  “yes, though not many.  and not since our engagement.”  she raises her eyebrows at that because there had been no need for him to abstain all these years.  there’s no need to now, she thinks sadly.

seeming to guess her thoughts he leans back down & takes her hand, pressing it against his chest, his heartbeat thrumming beneath her fingers.

“i saw you, after our engagement was announced.  i snuck onto your grandmother’s estate when you visited there for the summer.  she recognized me immediately.  she should have sent me away, perhaps called the guards even.  instead she pointed you out to me.  you were...you are the most beautiful girl i have ever known.”  eunsook looks away because she knows it’s not true.  her entire life has been a comparison of herself between her sister & her cousin & she has always, always fallen short.  never has she been called beautiful, never have her thighs that gave her mother so much angst been adored.  it can’t be true.

“stop.  whatever it is you are thinking, stop.  believe me.  trust me.”  she swallows at that last request because he has already told him she trust him with her body: why shouldn’t she trust his words?  so she sits up & presses a kiss to his lips, a silent agreement to his request.  when she sits back it is with a serious gaze & a thumping heart.  her cheeks flush at what she’s about to ask, frightened that he may think less of her for what she knows, for what she has done.

“there are...”, she stops, swallowing, waiting for courage.  the amusement in his eyes twinkles at her & she hopes it won’t dissipate with what she’s about to say.  “that is...you have shown me much affection & i...”, she looks down, unable to meet his gaze.  “perhaps it is time i am allowed to show you affection as well.”  she keeps her eyes down, embarrassed to have said so much, nervous to see his response.  these are things she should not know.  a al princess should be pure & unwise to the ways of , in any form, & she had already crossed a line as a youth by learning to pleasure herself.  now she is revealing that she understands that there is more than lying on her back & allowing the prince to have his way & it is terrifying to be revealing so much.

she thinks of the stable boys, of jonghyun & minho, & of what she had witnessed them do in the barn.  they had no way of knowing that she was in the loft, nestled in a dim corner with a book & a pillow of straw.  and she had no way of alerting them without causing too many questions to be born between them.  so she remained silent, listening to their breaths grow deeper & quicker, listened to the soft refrains of the other’s name falling from their lips, the sounds of their bodies working in tandem.

it was intoxicating.

she understands that there are differences, that the way the boys shared their bodies is not the ways she will share hers with her husband.  but there are things that they did, that she had witnessed through the gaps in the bales of hay, that she believes even a wife might be capable of.

after all, a man is a man.

she thinks of the way minho sat on his knees, the way he worked his hand & mouth, the way jonghyun ran his fingers through those dark curls & moaned, & she wants to feel taemin’s fingers thread through her own.

everything they have done until now has been for her, every touch & caress meant to bring her pleasure.  it’s enough now, she is comfortable enough.  even to the point of slipping her gown over her head, her husband’s eyes widening at her newly form.  she wants those fingers in her hair, she wants to hear taemin moan the way jonghyun had, the way he has made her: she wants to hear her name fall brokenly from his lips.

her movements are tentative, stuttered.  the desire is there but not the full knowledge & she looks up for guidance.  he looks terrified, she thinks, which is not good because one of them needs to know what they’re doing & she doesn’t know enough to do this by herself.  he swallows hard before pulling her gently forward, kissing her deeply, & running his fingers up & down her form.  pulling away, he presses their foreheads together, his breathing uneven & his eyes squeezed shut.

“are you sure?”  she smiles & kisses his nose & whispers that yes, she is.  when he gently guides her hand to his lap she loses a bit of her confidence, lips pursing in concentration.

~

afterwards, she marvels at how unfazed by it she is when decorum says she should be scandalized.  it’s not as though it were pleasant, exactly, but it wasn’t unpleasant either.  and the feeling of taemin’s fingers tangling in her tresses, the way her name spilled brokenly from his lips just as she had dreamed it would, was worth every moment of uncertainty, of doubt.  he had pulled away from her at the last minute, her lips wet & tingly, confusing her with the rebuttal.  but when he had kissed her deeply, pulling her body flush with his, she had felt pride.

he still does not lie with her though he does begin to share her bed.  she doesn’t understand how he has so much control when she barely has any of her own.  for the time being she settles for lying in his arms, her head resting against his chest as she links her fingers with the hand at her waist.

it is an embarrassment when her bleeding begins & she must shy away from his affections.  he doesn’t make her leave completely, she is surprised to discover, having been told that men find such an act abhorrent.  having been raised exclusively among women, with only very young brothers & a father who visited solely when propriety dictated his presence, she had spent her days of fertility among her aunts & cousins, her mother & sisters, relaxing & massaged, no cares to be bothered with.  she was warned, however, that her husband may not afford such luxuries.

instead, he asks her what she requires, her desires, rubs her shoulders & feeds her fruit with his own hands.  he is a good man, she thinks, & she is grateful to have been put in his care, though her father could not have known that when he traded her away in return for peace.  this is what she thinks as she lays in the steaming bath, allowing her pain to be absorbed by the water.

her forehead is kissed & her lips are caressed as she waits impatiently to be able to do more.  when the day finally comes it is a relief to them both.  his hands feel like silk as they run up and down her waist, her thighs kissed as he moves between her legs.  there had been no reason for her attentions to have ceased during her fertility but he had insisted that it would not be fair if they could not both be pleased.  she warms to the sound of her name falling from his lips at her ministrations.

they map out each other’s bodies, learn what touches, what caresses the other enjoys, the ones they don’t.  eunsook waits eagerly for their nights, the hours they are allowed to spend together merely as husband and wife.  her days are spent as a princess & the lady of the house while his are as a prince, second in line to the throne & of great importance now that he has married the daughter of a previous enemy.  they are burdened with their titles & responsibilities & relief comes in the nights they spend entwined, lips & fingers dancing across flesh.  & eunsook wants more.  her body aches to be near taemin, to feel him, & she is still nervous but no longer scared to learn what exactly that may mean.  she wants her husband to lie with her.