Hours passed and I was forced to accept the fact that my gut had been wrong. I did not have enough information after all. There were some theories I was able to throw away, like the stupid but not entirely impossible notion that Jongup crying had not been caused by me and Youngjae. Yongguk and Himchan acted as though Jongup's reaction to the incident was nothing less than to be expected. They no doubt knew something I did not. We had not even told them Jongup had cried, yet they knew the boy had been seriously hurt. For some reason. 

The idea that Youngjae and I had triggered some trauma from Jongup's past seemed increasingly likely. If our hyungs knew about the trauma, it all fit together. Though I had spent some time pondering on what it was Himchan would not tell who; that piece did not quite fit in with the trauma theory. Perhaps it was something simple, like Himchan had promised not to tell us about Jongup's past. But he had said him, not them, and - Zelo aside - I was certain Youngjae knew as little as I did. 

As I ran possible reasons as to why witnessing two people having  would be seriously upsetting through my head, something else did come to mind rather quick. If you liked someone, just seeing them kiss or hold hands with someone else could hurt like a stab in the gut. Seeing them have with someone else... I wanted to throw the theory out the window. I wanted to argue that Jongup had congratulated me and Youngjae on our relationship, that he had seemed perfectly fine. Say he did like one of us, I would not even know who; as far as I knew, he had not been showing any signs of liking someone. But like with the trauma theory, the bits of information I had did all fit in. Perhaps even better. Jongup had tried to hide that he was even awake last night; if he had been hiding his feelings previously it would only make perfect sense. If Himchan and Yongguk were aware of it, their reaction was logical. Himchan's little comment that he won't tell him would be no, of course I won't tell the person you like that you like him. It made too much sense to ignore. 

I decided to hope for the trauma theory. As little as I wished a traumatic past was hidden in Jongup's past, well... If the second theory was the correct one, I had probably just traumatized him myself. And that was by far worse. If trauma was not it, I hoped it was Youngjae Jongup liked. Probably. Trying to conjure last night's scene in my head with the added idea that Jongup liked me was enough to make me feel sick. I could not see how he would ever be able to forgive me. But then again, I was not sure what Youngjae would do if it was him. He would feel sorry alright. Regret it and apologize. And move on. I did not like the sound of that. It was wrong. Such an offense should be payed for with more suffering. Jongup deserved more than that. Not to say I wanted Youngjae to suffer, either, though... Yes, hoping it was Youngjae was incredibly selfish, I decided. It was a disgusting attempt to push any responsibility away from myself. 

Perhaps it was better if Jongup liked me. I could suffer for it. I could do everything in my power to make up for it, and Youngjae could move on without too much difficulty. It felt borderline narcissistic and at least wrong to "hope" Jongup liked me when I was in a relationship with Youngjae, but given the circumstances it made sense. I very much doubted Jongup would like either of us in any way at all after this event, anyway. Whatever feelings he had harbored must have been forcefully made to rot and crumble by none other than me and Youngjae. I should have known better. I should have refused Youngjae and told him sternly to get back to his bed. I should not have let myself be taken in by the lust. I should have, I should have, I should have not. It was too late for that now. All I could do was wait for Himchan and Jongup to return and hope the past trauma was it.

//Note: This chapter is pretty boring, just one long internal monologue, so I'll update again later today (so like within some 10-12h).