YUJU

“I leave you for one minute and this happens.” I force myself not to cry.

“You’ll be alright. You’ll be okay.” Sinb says, caressing Sowon’s hand.

The feeling I’m contained with right now is quite unexplainable. I am not feeling sad, happy or anything at all. There’s this feeling where you would watch everything around you and all you can do is feel so confused. Like the world you are living in doesn’t feel real and the things you would do is useless and insignificant. Have you ever had that feeling?

Maybe it’s the fact that everything right now is all happening at once, too much to comprehend and the only thing you could do is to just stop and stare. Sowon is in a hospital bed once again. My father is out and about doing something unforgiving, planning a plot to kill of the rest of the Hwang family.

Sinb is in trouble and I can’t tell her that. Us being together is dangerous.

I look back down at Sowon’s grey face. And couldn’t help but feel the surging anger arise. I could’ve prevented this from happening. I knew she wasn’t stable to wander around herself, but I let her go last night. And the only thing I could think of was that she must be heartbroken, and the only one person has the audacity to do that. I went over to pick up Sowon’s phone on the bed side table.

“What are you doing?” Sinb says, furrowing her eyebrows.

I fumbled around with her passcode. “Do you know her passcode?”

“Why do you need it for?” She lets go of Sowon’s hand and reached over to grab the phone out of my hand. She picked up her hand again and pressed her thumb against the home button. “Stupid.”

“Shut up.”

I checked her call log and held my hand in a tight fist. “Of course.”

“Put the phone down Yuju, this is not the time.”

“Eunha called her last night. That’s why she didn’t come home yesterday.”

“Please, Sowon doesn’t need any more heartbreak than she already does.” I look into her sad eyes. But I need to keep you safe first.

“This is my fault, I shouldn’t let her go out late last night. I’ve made the same mistake I did back in high school. I let her go knowing full well those pills weren’t only just for headaches.”

“It’s the past, leave it. Come sit down.” She motions me to come sit next to her. But I don’t.

“I’m calling Eunha.”

“No, Yuju!”

“Let me please!”

“You don’t know what you are doing right now!”

“Yes, I do. I know what I am doing.”

“Give me the phone now.”

“I need to keep you safe first!”

“What are you on about?”

“Trust me.”

“I do. But what you are doing right now is not the best. It’s not you.” She walks towards me and took the phone out of my hand. “She could die. Did you know that?”

“Give the phone back Sinb!”

“No.” Tears started to well in her eyes. We haven’t changed at all have we?

“You need to stop whatever you are doing Choi Yuna!” She yells at me. “You’re not yourself and all this is driving you crazy, so calm down please. You’re scaring me.”

“You don’t understand. You don’t understand at all! You’re in danger, big, big danger. And I need you to call Eunha and look after Sowon. Please.” I could feel my cheeks getting wet. “You could die anytime too. You’re not going to be in my life one day and that’s scary.”

I make my way to the door. “Call her, that’s all I’m asking you to do. I need to protect you too.”

SOWON

I could hear their conversations. And yes, they are not themselves, their emotions had taken over them. The world is falling apart I can feel it. It already has for me. Within their sick minds are mirages of fuel to the fire. The worst part is that they don’t even know that they are sick, they deny it. Defensive as they are, unrealistic dreams they think about. Fighting wouldn’t get them anywhere, fighting won’t keep them together. I know that now.

Right now, I am trying to relight the torch to keep me from accounting the darkness. I want it to keep burning longer so I can still lurk in my kindling memories. I want to keep living long enough for me to grow old with Eunha. I still want to be a part of those glowing photos that keep on existing in her mind. I’m not doing that right now am I? I keep pushing her away, am I? I’ve wanted to call out her name and watch as she would spin around and look me in the eyes and smile at me with unconditional love. That’s not happening is it? Because I keep pushing her away, even though I had forgiven her. There’s no more reply when I call her name. And I would panic all the time, as her name would echo down the empty hallway, of my empty home, and empty heart. I’ve love her enough to live without her loving me back. I’ve cried long enough to not feel the tears trickling down my face. I loved her once upon a time and I still do.

It keeps me up at night, thinking if one day I would only exist in photographs and memories. I’ve chosen to end my life a long time ago, but I always seem to find an excuse to keep on living longer.

Even though my body seems to not wake up, paralysed because, I don’t know? It wants to. My mind is awake, and I don’t want it to.

“Sinb, I’m just asking you to call Eunha and tell her to get her here and look at what she’s done.” Yuju says.

“You are being so immature, you can’t blame her.”

“Yes, I can.”

Sinb stayed quiet and I could hear her shuffling closer to my bedside. She’s scared. After that there was a door slamming and the shuffling of feet. I could feel Sinb clasping onto my hand, sobbing away and I can’t do anything to comfort her. There’s an empty, silent moment that even me being half dead seems to be uncomfortable.

Sinb let go of my hand and I could hear her fumbling next to me.

“I’m sorry Sowon.” She whispers to me.

“Hello? Sowon?” The girl on the line says. Her little voice makes my heart sink.

“No, it’s not Sowon.”

“Sinb?”

“Yes-“

“Is there something wrong? Why are you calling me through Sowon’s phone?” She says.

“I don’t have mine here, but I’m with Sowon now…at the hospital.”

“Oh my god.” Eunha. Thought so.

“You know what to do right?” She didn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry I can’t associate with her anymore.” Eunha says.

“You’re not making the same mistake, twice aren’t you?”

“I can’t. Not now I can’t.”

“You can but you never try. Why aren’t you winning her back? Even when the both of you broke off she still came running back to you! No matter how many lies you’ve told. Even if you cheated on her!”

“I don’t deserve her. I’m moving on.”

“Just like how I thought, you’re still hateful till the end. I don’t want to hate you Eunha, but that’s deemed impossible right now isn’t it?”

“I’m sorry Sinb.”

“If you’re really sorry, then come here right now.”

“I’m hurting her.”

SINB

“No, you’re not. She doesn’t say it, but she wishes that you are by her side. Always.” I look at Sowon. “She’s still very much in love with you. And moving on from you is impossible. She needs you and I know you do to, so please…stop running. And go to her. Because any moment she could shut down and that will be the end of it. Time’s running out…”

The static between the line gets louder, as I wait for her response. My pulse quickens as she takes a breath.

“I’ll come, but only for a while.” She says. I smile a bit. I know things didn’t end well between them. Nothing to do with me. But I have to do it for Sowon. My best friend of a hundred years. Eunha could barely look into Sowon’s eyes, they broke up. She disappeared after our graduation. Never to see her again, until now. And Sowon was left to apologise, saying that it was her fault their relationship fell apart. I get into bed with Sowon, thinking about how happy they would be together, finally, after so long. For the first time, after a while my heart feels light. Everything is slowly coming together, the dark slowly melts away out of all of us.

When I wake the next morning, my eyes open to see the person I wanted to see the most. We all were not ourselves yesterday, which was scary. We’ve lived torn apart by tragedy, that we had forgotten who we were. Yuju forgot who she was yesterday, and I almost lost my mind. She stood outside with Eunha, all was well when I start to hear raised voices coming out of them. They seem to be arguing intently about something.

I hear Eunha say. “You don’t understand I can’t stay for long! I have to go to college tomorrow!”

“You have a whole life time to study, but you don’t have a lifetime with Sowon.” Yuju drops her head, before lifting it again. “Let’s cut to the chase okay. Sinb and I can’t stay around here much longer. All I ask of you is to look after Sowon, okay?”

I turn away from them and rest my arm on Sowon’s stomach, their voices quieter now. All I want to do is to stop all this. The sun rays touch the skin on my face and the warmth was almost comforting, I let out a small laugh. I trace Sowon’s features with my eyes.

“You’re getting more beautiful every day. That’s not fair.” I whisper to her. “What am I going to do Sowon? I’m scared.” I snuggle into her neck and listen to the air coming in and out of her lungs. You’ve been away for an awfully long time, I haven’t seen you in forever. You are so quiet that I forgot that you’re suffering.

The door clicked open

“Sinb.” I sat up from the bed and look to the owner of the voice. “I’m here.”

“Noted.” I climbed off and walk past her. “I have nothing to say to you. Do as you please. But if you hurt Sowon, and it will be the end of you.”

“Noted.” She says.

“And Eunha, the things I say to you, I don’t mean to be rude and scare you. It’s just sometimes when you’re too nice to people, they take advantage of that to f**k you up.” I walk out the door not waiting for her response. I avoided Yuju, walking straight past her.

“Stop following me Yuju. You heard what I said to Eunha.” I say to her, hearing as her footsteps squeak on the floor. I knew at this point she wouldn’t stop trailing behind me, she followed me until we stop at our parked car. “Take me home.”

She wraps her hand around me wrist and pulls me to face her. “Not until you tell me why you are being mad.”

“You know why.” I say to her not looking away from her eyes.

“No. I. Don’t. That’s why I’m asking you why. Why are you angry at me? You didn’t even say hi to me.” I stare at her.

“What the hell was going through your mind yesterday? I’m not mad, more like scared. I’m scared that you’re going to one day be so sick in the head that you’re going to look at my face and not recognise me. Did you not see yourself yesterday?” She lets go of my wrist. “Your eyes had nothing but the pits fire that would burn right through me.”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you?”

“I know what I’m feeling, you don’t need to worry. Worry about yourself.”

“Look at yourself! No, you’re not! What’s wrong with not being not okay? You can be honest with me. Do you know that? Stop being a pretty liar and face it.”

“You’re all talk. Have you taken the time to see yourself?” She takes a step away from me. “You too have driven yourself mad! Your mum is dead! You are seeing things, she’s dead! Just like the hundreds of stories you have told me. And she’s dead in all of them. Do you even know what’s real and not anymore? Wake up Sinb!!!” She screams at me, with tears in her eyes. She ruffles her hair before swinging the car door open. “We really don’t know each other anymore.”

“That hurts. All the things we’ve been going through, amounts to nothing with the words you’ve said. Like this long line for me to get closer to you, suddenly cuts off at this moment.” I say.

“I’m sorry if I bothered you. If I got in your way. I’m sorry that I ever was in your life.” I turn to walk away. My heart hoped that she would run and grab me, hug me in her arms.

But she doesn’t.

A/N :)