Title
The title for me is just average and simple, but maybe not
enough to be clicked on by nitpicky readers. It's a bit
interesting yet predictable, since that you can tell by the title
that the story will be based on the Beauty & The Beast
and that the best, this time, is a female. Predictable, yet
interesting. I look forward to seeing the plot.
Description / Foreword
The description, to be honest, is a little bit short and I feel like
it's missing something. It doesn't reveal any of the key plot
points at all but instead foreshadows the ending which is not
a very effective way to reel in readers. I mean, as a reader, I
would think "Oh, that's the ending right there; why would I
need to read it?"
One of the most effective ways to write a description is to
include the setting, the conflict and optionally, the characters.
Or if all else fails, a poem or a snippet should do good as a
description.
On the other hand, the foreword is okay. I have no complaints
towards the foreword.
Appearance
Kudos for setting the mood of the story perfectly. The
background and the poster's color scheme compliment each
other and the story. The font size and style are readable both
in computer and mobile as well.
Characters
The characters' behavior and backgrounds were established
perfectly and logically. However, I find it a little bit unrealistic
that Hoseok would still chase after Chiyeon. It would
have been more realistic if he withdraws from Chiyeon (and
thinks about what had he done for her to shy away from him)
after months of rejection, and then come back to her once he
saw her true form, truly realizing and understanding his
feelings for her. Despite the intense feeling of love towards a
person, no one would be always and forever chase that
person— there needs to have some kind of contemplation like
should I continue doing this? Otherwise I find this a
romance cliche in your story.
Though there is a little bit of character relationship
development between Hoseok and Yoo, it was pretty
crammed and made short; even if the reason they fell for
each other is because of love. I also find some scenes
were the characters lacked in acting. For example, in the
scene where Hoseok saw Chiyeon in her dark angel form,
there was no hint of surprise, or shock.
Another scene is when they are sittig beside the river after
the incident. Hoseok could've thought that ah, this might
be the reason why she shied awya from me, therefore
deepening the character relationship and having more impact
to the audience. Other than that I have no more complaints.
Plot
I was so damn wrong!
I had expected that the beast would be a literal beast, like the
beast from the Beauty & The Beast but I was so wrong.
I just love the angel concepts in the story! Allusion towards
from Pandora and the Paradoxical situations (e.g. Yoo is
pure but hides a dark secret) are in play and I
love those two concepts, since it has been a while that I've
read such a good story with those concepts.
You have made a good story beginning, seeing that you first
introduced the conflict then revealed the crucial plot points.
The story ending is also satisfying. I find no plotholes in the
story. There were problems with the flow of the story, and I
mentioned them in the Characters above. The setting
of the story was clearly described.
Grammar
On average, I find 31+ grammatical errors.
Here are some that I picked up:
• Missing commas.
• ncorrect usage of to
• Unnecessary comma usage (...as she pushed back a
lock of baby hairs, with her slender
fingers)
• Incorrect / weak adjectives (e.g. highly ranked should
be high-ranking)
• Weak word usage (e.g. passing should be
replaced by death since this is Angst after all)
• Missing articles. (The)
• Missing adverbs. (That)
• Unnecessary adverbs (...to befriend the townspeople of
different status, regardless)
• Missing prepositions (All she saw in
herself...)
• Incorrect usage of punctuations
Wrong: ...that silently followed them - Hoseok.
Either: ...that silently followed them— Hoseok
...that silently followed them; Hosoek.
• Missing dashes (pink tinged should be pink-
tinged & dark blue speckled should be dark blue-
speckled)
• Incorrect adjective usage
Wrong: ...ran towards her in excite
Right: ...ran towards her in excitement.
Writing Style
The way you write sentences is sometimes lengthy and can
be confusing to non-native English speakers. There are also
some redundant and awkward sentences too... but other than
that, the way you described the environment around the
characters is good. The characters' dialogue feels like they
are really from the medieval era (due to their formal-like
speech) so kudos!
Personal Satisfaction
Personally, I love angel concepts or anything that has to do
with Fantasy, so I greatly enjoyed the story. This is the best, if
not, one of the best J-Hope fanfics I've ever read. He's just so
underrated :(
Comments / Advice
You just need to work on the character development,
character emtion portrayal and the grammar :) I also advice
you to proofread your story to correct all grammatical errors which I would be happy to do! I
only do it for 5 KPs. Please mention in your comment if you
are interested in proofreading!
Comments