Lying in his arms after such a mind blowing experience, cuddling with him, was surprising just as satisfying. It was a different feeling of happiness the he just couldn’t describe. Nothing in all this 18 years had prepare him for this.

Not only did you lose his ity to his long time crush, but his first time was so wonderful that he was just beyond relieved.

I couldn’t help but draw little hearts with my finger on his chest, and I thought JJK was dozing off until his placed his hands on mine to stop its movements.

“What are you doing?” he said as he turned his head to look at me.

I was embarrassed that he caught me drawing hearts on his bare chests. I know I had to be blushing, “Nothing” I tried to take my hand back, but he wouldn’t let go.

“Are you tracing hearts on me because you love with me, or because you fancy yourself in love with me?”

His words had me shook. I did not know how to respond. But it was amazing that the atmosphere of wonderful contentment could easily turn so sour. I tried again to pull my hand away, and still he would not let me go.

“I hope it is the first one,” he stated “I would not think you would be so foolish as to believe yourself in love.”

He finally released my hand and got up to dress himself. With his back turned away from me he could not see the devastation his words had caused my heart.

“I have to say for a were very passionate, I would not mind if we can work out an arrangement where we can mutually benefit from.” He turned his head towards to waiting to see my reaction to his proposition.

“You speak as though me giving you my ity meant nothing.” I finally gained the courage to meet his eyes “I did not give in to your advances because it meant nothing, I do love you.”

There I said it. I confessed. Of course I had planned it to be at an amusement park, riding a carousel and confessing over the city lights of Seoul in the background, but it was never set in stone.

He gave me pitying kind of look, like I was too stupid to understand the real world.

“You are acting like I should take responsibility for taking your ity…in this an age everyone is exploring they’re ual side.” “I myself have had many ual partners, both guys and girls, every one of them knowing what with me entails.”

My heart was breaking with each words that left his beautiful mouth. He just wanted one thing, and nothing more, and as stupid as I was, I still love him. Confessing, and being rejected didn’t change anything.

But I was determine to try one more time, to change his heart. I just need to change the plan. But to do so, I need commitment from him, in the only form I know he will accept.

“If I agree to continue our relationship as you want it, which is just ,” I took a pause trying to force the tears back and from my voice “Can I have your word that you will sleep with no one else, while you are in agreement with me?”

He didn’t even hesitate, he grabbed the back of neck pulling my face to him, as he agreed to my request.

I tried not to cry, as he continue to kiss me passionately. I tried not to cry has hands caressed my body, manipulating my body to respond to his ministration. I tried not to cry as he leaves bruises all over my neck and body. Only when he is ing deeply into me, holding me facedown into his pillow that I allow the tears to fall.

Because he didn’t know that my heart was breaking because of him. He didn’t know what I was sacrificing to allow myself to be in this kind of relationship with him. He didn’t know how much I truly love him. But I hope someday I can show him. Even if it means sacrificing my heart to do so.