Title: Reminiscing

Author: Tezukai

Pairing: Minsyung

Genre: Angst, Romance

Disclaimer: italics is for present day, and sorry this is not as good as I would like it to be, a midterm paper came in my way :P

Summary: Minwoo reminiscing about his relationship with Hyesung, and the turns it took.

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Minwoo knew love songs weren’t true, that they were written by heartbroken songwriters in the middle of a breakup, or lovesick fools too blind to see reality. He knew love wasn’t something that happened once in your life, that there was no “true love” or “destined partner” anyone could fall in love, many times in fact, and it wasn’t uncommon to remarry if your partner died. He knew all these things, but still his heart ached every time he was faced with the truth.

It had been new and exciting when him and Shin Hyesung first met. Hyesung had had short hair back then, spikey and stiff with hairspray, a look they often laugh about now, but back then Minwoo had felt his heart flutter at the way the taller man carried himself. He had been not much more than a teenager, but he felt more experienced, worldly to the country kid. Minwoo remembered how they all spoke English, Hyesung’s huskier-than-expected voice shocking him.

Minwoo was enthralled since the first glance.

Dongwan and Junjin joined later, but at that time, Minwoo had already gotten so close to Hyesung that there had been no going back. He had wanted to get close to the slender teen, his whole aura intrigued him immensely, the way he sang, his image completely changing from the normal hip hop loving teen in their dorm, the way he spoke of his time in America, exchanging English with the other two American members. Minwoo had to admit it, he craved Hyesung.

Minwoo had never considered himself gay or bi or, whatever he was, but he couldn’t deny what he felt for the main singer. Hyesung was everything he wanted, he craved him in every way, when he got to talk to him, he wanted more, if he got to help him with dancing, touch him, he wanted more. No matter what Hyesung gave him, it wasn’t enough, he needed him desperately, and he couldn’t have him quickly enough.

He had made a plan, a sure-fire way to get close to the beautiful teen. He knew he had one thing he could do better than Hyesung, dancing.

When they finally debuted, Hyesung received many comments and scolding for his lack of skills, Minwoo often heard the boy crying alone in his closet for hours, it broke his heart but also inspired him.

Hyesung had agreed immediately when Minwoo had asked him if he could help, they had then spent many hours alone in the studio, Hyesung sweating and moving for Minwoo, letting the smaller teen touch him and tell him what to do. Minwoo still remembered that innocent bliss he used to be in back then, just the thought that Hyesung was spending his time alone with him was enough to take away any sign of exhaustion.

Minwoo was alone in his apartment, the lights were off like they had been for a few nights now, he didn’t feel like leaving them on. He didn’t know why he had decided to look through old memories.

That was a lie, he knew exactly why he was doing it, but he would never admit it.

He still kept all the pictures and other things from their time together, everything was in this box, everything from his time with Hyesung, all the way back to the towel he had given the singer before their first kiss.

It had been a long night in the studio, Hyesung was exhausted and frustrated from doing the same thing for hours. It had been late too, around 2 or 3 am. Minwoo had turned off the music, stopped the singer in his moves and earned a death glare in return. He knew how determined the younger teen was but he also knew he wouldn’t get any better by injuring himself.

The room had been warm and the air thick, it was uncomfortable for both of them so the dancer had opened a window to cool them both down. He remembered turning around and seeing the dancer flat on his back, stomach exposed to cool himself down, hair gluing to his face as he panted.

Minwoo could have sworn his heart had skipped a beat, it had possibly stopped beating as he slowly approached the teen, a bottle in one hand and a towel in the other.

“I thought you could need this…” he had spoken timidly, slightly worried his voice wouldn’t have been there at all, but the singer had sat up eagerly, put his legs in a lotus position, pantlegs folded up to an almost too short pair of shorts as he had grabbed the bottle and started gulping it down.

Water had been running down his body, soaking the big t-shirt even more. It had been Minwoo’s luck that the singer was too busy to see the idiotic face he was making.

The water bottle had finally been emptied when Minwoo came to his senses again and leaned down to wipe the singer’s sweat. The steamy room had suddenly gotten warmer, the air thicker, as if it was choking them. Hyesung was staring straight at him, smile on his lips as his eyes twinkled and dug their way into Minwoo’s soul.

He was dabbing the sweat softly, leaning on one hand with his whole weight, sitting on his knees as the singer seemed to lean in. They both got closer, he couldn’t have explained how, it still felt like a dream even though Hyesung later explained how he had developed feelings for him as well long before that moment.

The towel had dropped from his hand as their lips met, it was a short sweet kiss, nothing passionate, just sweet and salty.

He had been in heaven, Hyesung’s hands both glued to the floor with the sweaty palms, leaning slightly back as Minwoo was resting a hand on the warm shoulder. Still now, Minwoo felt butterflies in his stomach as he thought of that.

That had been the beginning of their relationship, they had continued their dance practice alone, at first it had been awkward, they had both been shy and confused about what had happened, but when Minwoo confessed his feelings for Hyesung, the taller teen had explained how he felt the same and they had started dating.

It was exciting at first, having a secret relationship like that, holding hands when no one was looking, stealing short kisses when they were alone. It was everything Minwoo had wanted when they finally moved dorm and him and Hyesung got a room to themselves, but it had been tiring too.

They had had to hide from everyone, including the members. They knew they loved them, they would accept their relationship, but still they worried.

Hyesung had been the one to convince Minwoo that the others had to know. It had been a late night where they had cuddled and giggled for a while, playfully wrestling in Minwoo’s bed. Hyesung had rolled over and turned serious, his face blank and stern, stopping Minwoo in his steps.

“They need to know…” that was all he had said. Minwoo understood him, it would ease things up but it also terrified the dancer.

Andy had already finished High School when they decided to finally tell the others. They had all sat in front of them as the horrifying moment had occurred.

Minwoo Smiled to himself as he reminisced on the butterflies he had had, almost bigger than the butterflies he had had for Hyesung. Of course there had been no reason to be worried, they had all accepted them immediately. Some had asked questions about when and where, different jokes had been made as well, but overall it seemed perfect.

The smile faded from Minwoo’s lips, of course he knew everything hadn’t been perfect, or at least they wouldn’t stay that way.

He put down the towel, he had been stupid for opening that box to begin with, all it brought him was memories, memories that ripped up all the happy things he used to have, and reminded him how they were never to be again.

There were movie tickets from every movie he had asked Hyesung to go to, dinner receipts, small toys he had won in the arcade, even shirts that still smelled faintly like the taller man.

Tears were welling up in his eyes as he neared the bottom of the box, knowing he would soon run out of memorabilia, just as he ran out of time with the man of his dreams.

Hyesung and him had been perfect, they had been happy. 

It had been scary when their contracts had run out, they had left their dorm and their excuse to live together without fans asking questions. It had been a rough time in general but they had worked through it, kept strong.

They still had Shinhwa so it wasn’t uncommon for them to meet up. Things felt almost normal, and after a time it became a part of everyday life to be close through texts and calls.

It had gotten worse when Hyesung had decided to do a project with his friends though. Minwoo didn’t feel threatened by Jihoon and Kangta, he trusts them and his boyfriend, he knew they would never do anything. But the time the two had together had lessened.

Hyesung was off to concert after concert, performances and TV appearances every day. He wasn’t jealous of Kangta or Hyesung, but he was jealous when he saw how people talked about them, especially Kangta.

It was easy getting jealous, he knew Hyesung loved him, he had their daily calls and thousands of texts to prove it, but the countless rumours online of the lead singers’ alleged relationship made his blood boil.

He knew they were just friends, they laughed at the rumours and the accompanying pictures of the two men standing close and smiling. Minwoo knew the truth, but the pictures still looked romantic to him.

He had confronted Hyesung about it, one of the few nights they had had together. The younger man had freaked out when Minwoo had asked, furious that he could even suggest something like that. Minwoo had known it was all in his head, but he had still asked him, he had wanted to make sure, to calm his own overthinking brain.

Hyesung had left his apartment, stating he didn’t want to fight. It had been horrible, their first real argument.

Minwoo needed some time to himself, or more, he needed some time away from himself. He was too alone, too stuck in his own thoughts while Hyesung was out promoting.

Eric moved in with him at that time, he had needed a place to live as he had spent all his own money on Shinhwa’s trademark.

Eric was a big help to Minwoo’s mental health, they had always been close, but living together brought them closer yet. Hyesung forgave him quite quickly, Eric’s presence somehow made Minwoo saner, and the jealousy died down significantly after Group S finished promotions.

The three ended up spending more time alone, Hyesung coming to Eric’s and Minwoo’s apartment often to meet his boyfriend.

It was ironic in a way, how Minwoo had been so quick to jump to conclusions after seeing Hyesung with Kangta, when the real threat had been someone Minwoo himself had brought into the den.

Minwoo had soon decided to go solo as well, Hyesung was doing it, and Eric was in still more and more dramas. He was bored at home, and he wanted a solo career.

It had put a strain to their relationship again, Hyesung was already busy, but with Minwoo busy as well, they barely met up.

This time Minwoo didn’t have time to get jealous though, he was so preoccupied with singing and dancing he didn’t even notice how Hyesung was drifting away from him. Looking back he should have known, the way they didn’t call much, they were too tired to text. The signs were all there but Minwoo ignored them for his work.

He closed the box, stuffing it back into the closet. It had been a mistake to dig up all the old memories again, he knew what it did to him, yet he still reminisced upon that time every day.

It had been years since it had happened, their breakup. Minwoo had been too busy to spend time with Hyesung, they had both gotten so busy alone, and when Shinhwa finally decided to have another album together, everything was different.

It wasn’t like him and Hyesung were strangers, of course they had been spending time alone many times during their solo period, but it was the fans and the members who were different.

Minwoo had always enjoyed how much the fans shipped him and Hyesung, he knew none of them could know the truth about their relationship, but seeing how they made banners and stories about them warmed his heart, it made him feel accepted and he always made sure to provide plenty of material for fans to use.

That all changed with the new album. It had been a while since he had been with Shinhwa in concerts, on TV, and naturally he had assumed everything to be the same as always. But oh had he been wrong.

He didn’t know how it had happened, or when it had happened. But suddenly, Ricsyung was the new ship.

Eric and Hyesung had laughed about it, Minwoo had kissed the short dancer and told him it didn’t matter who fans thought he loved since his heart was always his, and Minwoo had foolishly brushed it off as just a dumb fan idea as with the Group S thing.

He got to spend more time with Hyesung during promotions, it did help their relationship and Minwoo remembered how much he really loved the singer. But every time they were in public, Hyesung seemed to spend more time with Eric.

It was everything from fans asking them to kiss or hug in concerts, to TV shows always putting them together to see their dynamics.

Minwoo thought nothing of it, how could he when Eric was his best friend and Hyesung his boyfriend?

Eric had moved out, bought his own apartment and let Minwoo finally have Hyesung alone. Everything had felt perfect and Minwoo couldn’t have cared less about the fans’ thoughts since he knew what was real.

But that was where he had been wrong.

He had been so trusting of Hyesung, so trusting of Eric. And even now he couldn’t hate neither, it hadn’t been their fault, it hadn’t been anyone’s fault.

The promotions ended and he went back to doing his solos, as did Hyesung.

Thinking back to this time of his life hurt the most, he needed a drink to calm himself down.

A bottle of soju was on his table, half empty already as Minwoo sat in the dark living room reminiscing upon the time Hyesung moved closer to Eric, further away from Minwoo in both a physical and emotional level.

They had been together so long that distance was no problem, but Minwoo found himself more often than not texting Hyesung only to find him too busy with Eric to talk to him. It was fine, Eric and Hyesung were close, but it still hurt the dancer not to have the one who held his heart with him.

He couldn’t think about the next few years, he didn’t want to remember.

Everything just kept going downhill, Shinhwa not promoting their next album only divided him and Hyesung more, it meant less time together. He should have seen it coming, he should have acted on all the warning signs, but he just let the love of his life slip away.

Eric entered the army soon after the comeback, Minwoo shouldn’t have thought this way, but it made him relieved.

He loved Eric, but he loved Hyesung more, and briefly it did seem like him and Hyesung could go back to their youthful days. They were together almost daily, talking and texting almost constantly. Minwoo was happy during that time, even if both were busy with their solo careers, it felt like they were closer than they had been for years.

But all that changed when Eric came back.

He was shy at first, Eric, not as loud and playful as he used to be. The three of them hung out a lot after his return, just like their days of living together. Minwoo was happy, safe. But then the distance started again.

Minwoo had to enlist in the army as well, and although him and Hyesung were close again, it still worried him.

He went to get another bottle of soju, it was the only way he knew how to cope with the thought that his time in the army put the final nail in the coffin for him and Hyesung.

He wasn’t gone for long, but the time he was gone was the time Hyesung needed him the most.

Minwoo had realized how little Hyesung was telling him about his life when he had read the news of his boyfriend’s gambling problem. He hadn’t even known Hyesung had been gambling, and yet here he was in the army reading about his boyfriend seizing all activities to reflect.

He could barely contact the singer, he locked himself away, or that was what Minwoo thought at the time. He would later be told how Eric helped him through the ordeal, comforting him and staying with him to make sure nothing bad happened.

That event was what sealed their fate. When Minwoo finally came out of the army Hyesung hadn’t been there waiting for him. Minwoo had gone home only to find him there waiting, gloomy expression on his face as he said what Minwoo had feared for years.

“I want to break up”

His world had crashed down with those words, each syllable burning in his eardrums and deafening him. The world was collapsing and yet Hyesung stood there steadfast and unmoving.

“I’m sorry… I just don’t feel what I used to feel…” those had been his words. Minwoo knew what the next line would be, he had known already back then but he had hoped so bitterly that it had all been his imagination.

“I’m in love with Eric…”

Minwoo felt tears running down his cheeks as he relived the moment. He hadn’t fought back, he hadn’t objected, he had just let the singer go. He knew it would only hurt him if he didn’t accept them, and the last thing Minwoo wanted was to hurt Shin Hyesung.

“Minwoo? Are you in there?” Dongwan’s voice sounded from the hallway, soon followed by the door opening.

“Ah… you shouldn’t be drinking alone” the short singer smiled solemnly, picking up a bottle and turning the lights on before greeting the seated dancer with a small kiss.

Dongwan always came over when Minwoo needed it, it was like he had a sixth sense for these kinds of things.

Hyesung was the only gay member in the group, or he had been at first. Minwoo was only gay for him, and Eric seemingly fit into the same box since he had dated plenty of women before…. Before that happened.

But Dongwan was different.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” the intruder smiled again, pouring himself a glass to fit Minwoo’s.

Dongwan had confessed his love about a year after Minwoo and Hyesung broke up. It had been strange to the dancer at first, he had been down in the slumps for a while seeing the happy perfect love the lead rapper and singer had, he hadn’t even noticed Dongwan’s advancements.

Apparently Dongwan had developed a crush over a few years, kept it hidden due to Minwoo’s status as taken, but now they were both single he had decided to make his move.

Minwoo had been careful at first, he wasn’t over Hyesung, he still wasn’t, and he didn’t want to be with Dongwan just out of pity, but somehow the slightly taller man managed to convince him to at least give it a try.

“I brought chicken by the way” the younger man pulled out a box of fried chicken and proceeded to unpack it, causing Minwoo’s stomach to remember when he last ate.

Dongwan was amazing, he was everything Hyesung hadn’t been for their last years of relationship. He was more in love with Minwoo than Minwoo was with him, he gave him everything he could want, but he wasn’t Hyesung.

Minwoo knew he hurt Dongwan when he did things like this, he knew it hurt Dongwan to know he could never replace what Minwoo lost, but still the man kept loving the dancer.

“We can watch a movie… I’m sorry I just…” Minwoo looked down, being interrupted by Dongwan’s “It’s ok, I understand”.

Dongwan could never be Hyesung, but Hyesung could never be Minwoo’s. He would just have to wait until his heart had understood what his brain knew.

“I just don’t understand…” the leader sat in his couch, solemn expression on his face as realization hit the lead singer.

“I don’t understand why you have to do this? Why am I not enough?” the slender man spoke with desperation in his voice, hands flying about.

“Hyesungie… I need a family, I’ve always wanted to have my own kids… and you…” he spoke slowly, explaining again why he was dating a woman.

“I what? I can’t have kids? And so what? Can’t you adopt, can’t you just have kids without the wife? Why can’t you understand I don’t want to be some kind of mistress?!” he was yelling at this point, tears threatening to form. He loved Eric, he honestly did, but Eric was straight, he was a Korean man, someone who could never understand him, not like Minwoo did.

“You don’t understand it… Don’t you want a family?” Eric tried for the umpteenth time.

“I have a family! You are all the family I need! Don’t you understand!? I love you! I’m not with you for the I’m with you cause I love you!” times like these made him think, what if, just what if him and Minwoo had made it work, would everything have been the same for them?

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