Title: UNCHANGING

Author: Ladyerror

Pairing: Shinhwa x Shinhwa Changjo

Genre: drama

Summary: Tell me, how did I see you on the first place anyway?  Tell me, how did I did get here on the first time? I saw your eyes. Because of you, I found a new way of seeing love.  That love has a color, and I wear that color in pride.  I was blind in love, and now, I love blindly.  That color – orange – blinds me.  Yet, to you, I’m just a faceless crowd sealed under that brightness of orange.

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Tell me, how did I see you on the first place anyway?

I used to walk around aimlessly, wandering whether I could find love.  A love that is unexplainable, a love so simple that it needs no explanation.  A love that I need to recall before I go to another world in dream.  A love to recollect when loneliness bites me in haunting seconds.  A love that can show me, even when my breath is faint, just another white in the air, it is still worthwhile to fight for another, in order to see-

You.

Tell me, how did I did get here on the first time?

I found you in the most unexpectable way.  In a place, far away from home, in a meaninglessness of the seasons going by that brought tears for no reason.

I saw your eyes.

So deep in sorrow.  So deep in sadness that continued to fall.  So deep in hurt.  Yet, you cover it all well.  Perfect in your smile.  Perfect in your everlasting spirit.  Perfect in every way but the truth.  

Yet, you conceal it well.

Who are you?  I read your history.  So wistful, changes to pure white snow.  You know what?  I understand.  I relive your pain.  I relive your happiness.  I understand and I appreciate it.  I watch every movement you made on stage.  I wonder how you did it.  Where does that strength come from?  How can you radiate bliss so obvious? 

Tell me, how did I did get here on the first time?

Because of you, I found a new way of seeing life.  I found new friends and family, unexpectedly beautiful in their way.  Because of you, I found a new way of seeing love.  That love has a color, and I wear that color in pride.  I was blind in love, and now, I love blindly.

That color – orange – blinds me.  

I remember.

I remember the first time I came in that color.  I remember the pride.  I remember the excitement.  I remember witnessing an ocean of orange.  Its beauty is indescribable, carved so deep in my heart that make me regret why I have not found you sooner.  

I remember.

The moment I saw you in real life. 

You exist.  Exactly like how I have always imagined.

Beautiful as words could describe.  Gorgeous as sight could lay on.

To me, you’re the only light so bright I’ve seen on the world.  

To you, I’m just a faceless crowd sealed under the brightness of orange.

But I don’t mind.  As long as I could see you stand tall, as long as I could see your smile kindly brightening my days.  I don’t mind being faceless.  I don’t mind being just another shadow in your life, that eventually will vanish by your light.

Because every pray is faceless.

Because every wish is faceless.

I don’t mind living a love so unexplainable.

Nobody understands why I would live such a love – a love that will never reciprocate.

But I don’t need them to understand.  

They told me, there are so many more beautiful faces other than yours.  They told me, there are so many more beautiful voices other than yours.  They told me, there are so many with fame and fortune more than yours.  It’s unreasonable to fall in love with a person like you.

It’s okay - I don’t need them to understand.  

Because honestly, I don’t understand either.

Perhaps, I owe you once in my previous life.

Perhaps, in my previous lifetime, I was a stray cat, begging at your feet for food, and you give a spoon of yours.  Perhaps, in my previous lifetime, I was a hopeless ant, carried away by raindrops, yet you took time to save me with a leave and brought me back to my family.  Perhaps, in my previous lifetime, I was a trapped butterfly in a glass window, and you opened it for me so I could reclaim my freedom.

And now, I’m given a chance to cherish your kindness in this life.

In that previous lifetime, you showed love to someone like me, though it’s unnecessary, yet you showed it anyway.  So, in this lifetime, I show you love, thought it might not be necessary for anyone else, but I show it anyway.  I love you, and that’s all I need to know.  

Then that day finally arrives.

You set your choice.  You set your heart and mind.  To someone special – one person dearest to you.

Then that day finally ends.

Once friends and family in orange, start to heartbreaking.  Some cry.  Some smile wistfully.  Many mourn.  Some even curse.  Curse you for betraying them, shattering their dream, dismissing hopes.  Some condemn, some smash their hearts to the concrete underneath, breaking them into pieces that impossible to repair.  

Then that day comes.  They come to me.  Whispering chants and mantra, haunting me.  They want the piece of heart in my hands for you.  They want to take it from me with all those scaring thoughts.  That you betray them – and me.  With lies and deceit.

No.  Please.  Don’t.

No.  Please.  Don’t.

They stood.  They left.  Empty chairs around me are horrifying.

No. Please.  Don’t.

No. Please.  Don’t.

Don’t leave.

Don’t you remember the love?  Don’t you remember the pride?  Don’t you remember the light?

Why do you HATE him?  Why do you hate her – the one that he chose?

Don’t you see?  Don’t you get it?

She is one of us.  She is his biggest fan and she’s going to sign a lifetime contract with him, to be by his side, through sorrow and gladness, sickness and contentment, coldness and warmth.  

She is one of us.  She is his biggest fan and it’d be her lifetime duty to comfort him in his lowest point in his life.  She will be with him all those hours, minutes and time, all those days, weeks and years.  Till the time stops for him – or her.  And she can’t quit.  She must give her whole life for him, and what can surpass that?

Don’t you see?  Don’t you get it?

She is one of us.

And we are-

We are only faceless crowds, shadows and screams. 

But-

Don’t you see?  Don’t you get it?

Shadows need light.

He’s my light.  I’m just a faceless shadow.

I need him to exist.  So...

No. Please.  Don’t.

No. Please.  Don’t.

Don’t leave.

At least, don’t stop me from staying.  Don’t stop me from whispering him a prayer.  I would keep looking to the sky, if now my wish reaches him, please let him live his fullest life.  Let him pursue his happiness, and before my body vanishes, let him stay in this path.  Because I am selfish.  

Always so bright, I want to stay with him longer.  

Always so bright, I know he will never see me.  

To him, I’m just a faceless crowd sealed under the brightness of orange.

It’s okay.  

It’s the love I choose.  It’s the life I live.

Because I am selfish, I pray he never change.  That he always is there for me.  I want to bloom in his heart forever as a faceless crowd sealed under the brightness of orange.  So, I would never forget the warmth, of when I paint out his name in loudness and wave it highly in pride.  Even when he’s loving someone else, I'll never let go of his voice as I heard it the last time.

Even now, he’s still by my side, smiling at me with that sweet smile.  When I close my eyes, a myriad of seasons quietly envelops me, waiting for another tick to return to see his face, in reality.  Nobody knows what’s at the end of this long journey, but these uncertain nights will never come again.

Because I have him.  

We can keep walking forever together, now and forever.  

This love I clutch close to my heart will never change, this one unique -  I love him.

The day I met him, like a little flower dancing in the wind is far away.  I shut away myself from the negativity of the world, to protect the memories we can laugh at together at the end of our days.  

So, please – UNCHANGING.

Don’t forget this promise we’re making.  Because you’re more important to me than anyone else.  You’re my dream and I want to make the dreams you told me about come true, little by little.

Let me stay as a faceless crowd sealed under the brightness of orange.

It never mattered.  We can keep walking forever together, now and forever.
This love I clutch close to my heart.

Perfect as always – UNCHANGING.

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End – for now.

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