D-19

                  She sighed while directly staring at the pale yellow ceiling she had in her room as she lay on her bed. It’s too quiet that she can’t afford not to have ideas swarming up in her mind. With this kind of situation, she knows it would always end up on endless thoughts about her, about what had happened yesterday and just anything about them.

                Sometimes she thought, probably, it’s better to just keep her feelings there – buried in the deepest part of her heart, never letting it to resurface. For when it does, she knows it would create a big hurricane that would just pull her apart from her. And she definitely doesn’t want that.

                She tried. She really did before.

                But to bury, to burn, and to forget, is not working. Because, she knows, even at the start, she won’t be able to.

                She would just keep on coming into her space. And she is so sure that she wouldn’t let a day pass on without seeing the other girl. If there would be a day that she would, just in case, in all probability, she would still see her face… but, it will be on her dreams or probably images of her, stuck on her mind, repeating and replaying.

                And no, it never gets tired of running in her head.

                It’s there anyway; it is always there, always.  Her image; the sound of her voice and laughter; those black orbs of her which didn’t fail to make her feel thatshe wants to be absorbed in there, even for forever; her fresh scent that reminds her of her favorite flower or her favorite color; She would always be there in her mind, unconsciously or not.

                She smiled when she saw her phone lights up indicating a coming notification. Something pops up with the name of the girl currently filling up her thoughts. and just like a lovesick teenager, she excitedly reached out to read what was in it, but as soon as she did, regrets take over her. Her smile vanished as a frown replaced it in its place.

                She sighed thinking that nowadays, she easily brightens up and yet it also takes some seconds to rain in her heart. Her mood can easily shift into a bright one, especially, whenever she’s talking to her. Honestly, even if she just hear her voice. Crazy, right?  But, sometimes, a multicolored flower, in a garden of black and white, can flourish, showering the world the hidden colors needed, and one minute, it may decay. Just like her, sometimes, when she's with her and just be with her, she would feel oh so heavenly, she could wish the world would stop revolving for once and make her happinness last. But there would also come a time when the younger girl she adores speaks of that guy – that man the younger girl knew and whom she thought she love, it makes her heart twist and turn, bumping on her lungs and making it hard on her to breath.

                She thought that it is her – decaying.

--------------

                Unnie, Annyeong! Have you eaten your breakfast? Oh, and I’m meeting him right now. What should I wear?

                She put the phone down and tried to calm herself down. It’s her fault anyway. If she didn’t told the younger girl to go on dates, then she wouldn’t have been in this place right now. In this place which keeps her from being just a bestfriend. It is a wrong move, she knows, and she regrets it. But to her defense, that time when she suggested that they should go on dates, or probably just meet up with a good guy they know at school – that moment she was just caught up with trying to confirm her feelings, or probably to forget it, telling herself that it is their friendship at stake.

                But, it was. Her feelings are true.

                It is true. And, she can’t forget it. What’s worse than that is that her mind, heart and hypothalamus or whatever it is, doesn’t even want to forget.

                She knows it is hard to be in love with her bestfriend. It is just like the angsty feelings, the pain felt by other people, like her, who fell with their closest friend. Now, she gets to be asked of advices of what the other girl should do, what she should say, what she should wear and other kind of questions about dating.

                She thought that if it was her, if she was dating her, she would never need to ask those questions. She doesn’t need to, because to her, she would always be perfect in her eyes – flawless as she is and flawless as she would be.

                  She love her anyways. It is so much of  a fact that she even love her flaws. It is even the one that makes her totally whipped.

                She took a deep breath and she closed her eyes as released it. What makes it harder in her situation is the fact that they have the same gender. For her, there are a lot of things blocking her path. But, she already started and she won’t back down. If they block her, she'll break them down. To hell with those! Isn't love stronger than rules? Either way, for her, if it is her - if it is SinB, there are no right and no rules for her. She'll definiitely go towards her.

                She might look like a glass bead but she would never break easily.

                She gets her phone which she just abandoned a while ago and typed a message for the other girl.

                Anything. Anything you wore would always suit you, anyway. Just be you, Hwang Eunbi. You’re perfect, just the way you are.

                That was her answer for the girl – an answer that she have always wanted to say to her. Basically, that is her, expressing her feelings for the younger girl.  She thought of putting a heart at the end but ended up on choosing not to, afraid that the younger girl might think that she was fooling around again, and just being the touchy and flirty bestfriend,,, again.

                     But to be honest, she wants ther to stop seeing that. Can she just see her as the touchy and flirty girlfriend? That's what more like it. She absolutely wouldn't complain about that anymore. Well, she could petition for a wife position in her life.

                Her attention was caught by her phone getting another notification. And, she immediately read the message from the girl.

                Okay Yerin-unnie. Then, I should wear black pants and, uh – well anything I get on my cabinet. LOL. See you later! Love you!~

                  She smiled. She hopes that 'LOL' could mean 'Lots of Love' and not just 'Laughing out Loud'. They could laugh out loud while expressing their lots of love for each other anyway. Okay, that's lame. But, no sorry. It's lame... but true. 

                And, if that 'love you' is really meant by the younger girl, she could be the happiest in the world. But, that’s okay, at least SinB told her that, even though it is just in messages. She’s not vocal with her feelings anyway. It depends on her mood and it would be often be like a half-tsundere she is.

.

                I love you too.

                She typed but didn’t bother to send it. She plans on saying it to the girl later, personally, in words and with her voice. She doesn’t care if the girl would view it as her fooling around, or being the usual way she is. She just wanted to feel and hear those words coming from towards the younger girl. She put her phone on her pocket and let the unsent message be saved in the drafts automatically. She went to the kitchen and chose to start her day.

---------------------------

                Breathing hard and exhaling heavily, the blonde girl is now sitted on the living room. She had just finished cleaning some of the rooms and decided to take a rest for a while before she take a bath. She was about to turn on the television when she was startled by the ringing of their doorbell and a voice she didn’t expect to hear at this time of the day.

                Unnie! Unnie!

                She heard the voice outside again.

                Ya!  (Hey!) Open the door!

                She heard her again and she sighed. Great, she’ll see me like this. She internally groaned and checks if she smells due to the sweat from cleaning. She absolutely doesn’t want to embarrass herself in front of her. She opened the door hesitantly while she tried to look the best as she can be.

                “Yes? SinB, why are you here? I thought you have a date with Jackson?” She asked continuously.

                “Nothing, I just want to see you, can’t I?” said the younger girl as she moves towards Yerin. She lets herself in and gently pushed Yerin, who is blocking the door, in the process. Yerin is used by the occurrence of her unexpected visits before her date, so SinB lets herself in naturally, as what always happens.

                Yerin thought that the other girl is just being sweet but she can’t stop herself from smiling. And again, in an instant, with little words from SinB, her mood shifted up and her world turns as bright as she hope it can be.

                “Oh, you cleaned?” SinB commented like it’s a normal thing. And yes, for Yerin, it is.

                She only hummed and let SinB sit on her own. The younger girl is already familiar with her home anyway as if it is like her second home. Oh, of course, How Yerin wish it would be their home, together, perhaps, in the future. She definitely wouldn't complain waking up early every day just to cook SinB her favorites.  And, it's better for her to cook than letting SinB do it, or else they might not it and starve there. Yerin chuckled and bit her lip to stop herself. She looked at the younger girl dreamily at first...only at first because there she saw her future wife in her mind turning the newly organized DVDs into a chaos. But, of course, in Yerin's state, she wouldn't mind cleaning everyday for the younger girl.

                     Aside, from SinB thinking that it is her second home. She already is comfortable in here too. She would do every crazy thing she wants to do and sit like she doesn’t care of what she might look like. She even made Yerin sleep on the floor while she take the bed, saying that she's a guest and that's what's bestfriends for. She's really feeling at home to the point that she even have her own toothbrush, her own plate, chopsticks and a glass. And of course, a designated chair for her. That's has become to that, since Yerin's parents adore her anyway.

                Yerin smiled, watching her bestfriend rummage through the DVDs she have just neatly put in order a while ago, on the cabinet situated under their flatscreen TV, hanging on the wall.

                “You want food?” She asked, though she is already going to the kitchen. She stopped on her tracks when she remembered something.

                “SinB-ah, what time are you going to meet him? Are you sure you’d hang out in here first?” She asked, peeking from the kitchen.

                “Yes, I’m sure! I suddenly just want to spend time with you.” She shouted back, still looking through the DVDs. “I’ll meet him later unnie, just later.” she said gesturing that she doesn't care at all.

------------------------------

                The Sun is brightly shining making the place scorching hot. There, near the park, located with a lot of trees, SinB can be found taking her time, walking slowly. She is wearing black pants combined with a plain white shirt, tucked on the front through her pants, adding to her style.

                With the good weather, she was supposed to have a bright smile but, nevertheless, she sighed. She doesn’t know why, but she felt like she left something at her bestfriend's house. It has always been like that. Before she meet with someone, she would always drop by her house. Don't ask her why, she wouldn't answer you. She says she doesn't know.

            But everytime, she would get out of that house and walk away, somehow, it feels like there’s something missing. She felt like meeting with this person isn’t something she should be excited about, and, to be honest, she isn’t feeling any excitement at all. What makes her mind more tangled than it is, is that she would always have this sudden urge to go to her unnie everytime she would go to dates. It is completely the opposite of meeting the 'others'. She would have this feeling like she wanted to stay with her, always, like she misses her so much and she doesn’t want to go away. Of course, she doesn’t tell Yerin about it. It is just complicated – too complicated that even she, herself, can’t explain it. That is the reason too why she went to Yerin’s house a while ago – to spend time with her and just to see her. She thought, it is to let herself calm down and hopefully make this unknown feeling go away.

                But, it doesn’t. Because here she is, walking under the Sun towards the decided meeting place, but she is still thinking about these stubborn feelings boggling her mind, and even her heart.

                She found her mind drifting to some memories about her blonde bestfriend and unnie, Jung Yerin. And again, she doesn’t know why but her mood just rode the rollercoaster when she remembered their conversation a while ago.

                “Thank you for the food!” SinB gets her designated chopstick for her in Yerin’s house and excitedly eat what Yerin has cooked for her. She knows she might have bothered the older girl with her almost usual routine of going to her house, but she can’t stop herself from wanting to see her and so she just let herself. 

                There’s no harm in doing it anyway.

                She happily eats what Yerin cooked while the older girl is just watching her and all the while smiling at her. She would, at times, put food neatly in her spoon and offer it to Yerin and the girl would happily oblige to eat it. She thought those kinds of scenes didn’t fail to make her smile and giggle and as silly as it may sound, she doesn’t understand why. Perhaps, it is just because the older girl looks cute doing that, or, maybe just the action of feeding someone and some sweet things looks kind of cute for her. Though, it makes her cringe sometimes.

                “Unnie, do you like someone?” she asked all of a sudden, making Yerin almost choke with the food she just have fed her.

                “Omo! Sorry unnie.” She hurriedly stands up and gets Yerin a glass of water.

                “It’s okay.” Yerin said, a blush creeping up to her cheeks, as she shakes her hand, signaling SinB to calm down and continue eating.

                “So, judging from your reaction… You like someone.” SinB commented, her voice coated with a hint of disappointment which she, again, doesn’t understand why.

                Yerin smiled at her. “I do.” She answered. “I really like her.”

                “Her?” SinB’s curiosity spiked up. “Who is she?”

                “You.” Yerin grinned at her.

                “Wow, unnie, time to joke around, huh?” She sarcastically said, leaning her back towards the chair. “Spill.” She said with seriousness.

                But her seriousness is only met with laughter. A laugh from the older girl, which came at her like there’s nervousness in it and something that she can’t quite get herself to grasp.

                “There’s someone I like. She makes me laugh. She’s kind. She could turn my world upside down with just her little actions. She is talented too, and, I swear, she’s a real beauty.” She said dropping hints about that someone.

                “Of course, she is. Why would you like her if she’s not?” SinB said. She tried to make the words come out like she doesn’t care, but her voice betrayed her and it came out as a bitter one. Like the words are made from all the sadness she can muster and all her unwanted feelings of her memories in the past that she doesn’t even want to remember.

                “Woah, are you jealous?” Yerin playfully asked her.

Please Subscribe to read the full chapter