THWUMP

Bobby jumped awake as something huge and heavy landed on his head.

“Wha-?” He pulled the large pillow off his face and heard Hanbin’s sharp voice.

“Do you have any idea what time it is?” Bobby rubbed his eyes dopily with his hair getting in the way and finally looked up sleepily. Hanbin was standing next to the bed looking totally pissed off. There were basically storm clouds and lightning bolts swirling around over his head.

“Do you??”

“…What?” Bobby mumbled confused.

“DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?”

“, Bin, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I will be up in a second, It’s just that…I’m just really…” Bobby hesitated, struggling to go on.  

“You’re just what?”

“….Nothing, nothing.” Hanbin stared at him looking confused. There was also a flash of disappointment in his eyes, as if Bobby had just told him a blatant lie but didn't want to humiliate him by calling him out on it.

“It’s 11 already…” Hanbin said softly and walked out of the room. Bobby groaned as he started to sink deeper and deeper into guilt. . , , . There was nothing worse than letting Hanbin down – he was always going on about Hanbin not taking care of himself – next moment he was leaving Hanbin to do all the work. He was such a hypocrite!

Until Hanbin, Bobby had never met someone so utterly riddled with contradictions: touchy-feely but shy; charming but aloof; charismatic but awkward; sensitive but harsh; ambitious but fatalistic; intelligent but impractical; responsible but mischievous…the list went on and on.

This moment was highlighting yet another one of these endless intriguing, confusing contradictions. On one hand Hanbin was incredibly gifted when it came to making people feel special. With the simplest touch, such as an innocent hug or a of the cheek or a hand on the back of a neck, Hanbin could make people feel so loved and chosen. Those random moments where Hanbin reached out for physical reassurance still made Bobby so soft and light-headed, and he knew the rest of the boys went crazy for them too, even if they liked to deny it. On the other hand though, when it came to respecting the emotional and physical limitations of others…Hanbin just wasn’t so good…he could also make people feel like they were such a disappointment…

Bobby knew all too well that no one worked themselves harder than Hanbin. It was one of the reasons he loved Hanbin, but it was a double-edged sword because it also meant Hanbin just couldn’t understand what others were complaining about when they expressed exhaustion. When people got colds or were seriously sick, that was different, Hanbin was understanding and very caring, even protective. However when it came to being burnt out…or just needing to take a day off….Hanbin just didn’t get it. Bobby knew from many previous experiences that in Hanbin’s mind everything was simply a case of ‘you work till you break and even then, you still keep working.’ It was hard when Hanbin made him feel like he wasn’t enough…it rarely happened but maybe that’s why it hurt so much when it did, it was a shock…

He was just so burnt out though…he could literally feel the tiredness in every bone and atom of his body. The schedule of the last few months, constantly back and forth from Japan, had totally drained him. He felt like his brain had been carved into three parts –  BOBBY, MOBB and iKON – and each of those parts were being pulled further and further away from each other….it was taking everything he had to keep focussed. He loved what he did, none of it was a burden not at all, but it was draining needing to be the best version of himself 24/7. There were the rehearsals, the performances, the fan meetings, the photoshoots, the promotional events, the planes and trains, and worst of all the endless waiting of the in-between-event moments when he finally noticed the tiredness in his body but didn’t have long enough to nap or rest….

If he’d had his way he would have gone straight from the airport the night before to his parents place. He would have crashed at theirs that night and spent Saturday and Sunday with them. Whilst on the plane returning from Japan he'd had idyllic visions of the weekend to come: lazing around the house, eating with the whole family together, gaming with his brother and catching up on his life, joking around with his mum and sneaking in as many of her amazing hugs as possible, watching basketball with his dad and talking about life…but no. Of course YG had other plans. YG had vaguely promised Bobby a weekend of rest after jetting back and forth from Japan a few months back but now he was supposed to be wracking his brain for new songs!?

...Seriously, any other time YG, any other time and this would have been awesome. This weekend though? it, I just want to sleep…

Then on top of the burn out there was the other thing on his mind…the other thing that hurt to even think about…the other thing he needed to tell Hanbin about but couldn’t bring himself to…

…Maybe I should have just said it then when he asked, said what was on my mind when I had the chance. He was just there staring at me wanting to know. What the is wrong with me…why didn’t I…, have I blown my chance to tell him myself? I don’t want him finding out from someone else…

Bobby felt angry with himself that he hadn’t had the courage to be honest, but he also couldn’t help being disappointed in Hanbin…He knew it wasn’t fair to expect Hanbin to read his mind but he wished Hanbin had stayed...he wished Hanbin had sat down next to him on the bed, better yet cuddled up next to him, and forced him to spill what was on his mind – after all that’s what he always did with Hanbin – always reassuring him that he really did want to hear what was on his mind, no matter how anxious or depressing it was. Sometimes he wished Hanbin would fight more to understand him, the good with the bad...after all, he too had things that were hard to talk about sometimes…like this…

Bobby sat up in the bed, his head spinning with prickly lights dancing behind his eyes. He hated doing it but maybe he needed to confront the reason WHY he didn’t want to tell Hanbin. Urgh, this kind of thinking hurt his brain and made him so depressed. He hopped in the shower, and as he had hoped by the time he was out and drying himself off he had managed to come to a clearer understanding of the situation.

…He couldn’t bring himself to tell Hanbin what was weighing him down, even though it was hella obvious Hanbin was wondering what the was going on, because the reality was…he just wasn’t sure whether Hanbin would handle the information the way he needed him to…What if he brushed it off? What if he dismissed it as unimportant…what if he pretended he didn’t care? He just didn’t know how Hanbin would react and he hated that feeling more than anything. Hanbin was his, and he was Hanbin’s – surely that meant they should know everything that was important to one another right??

Now dressed he flopped back down onto the bed to have one last moment to relax before he got to work. The bed with its silky charcoal grey sheets was so warm, soft, and lush. Tablo, you’re one lucky guy to have all this…maybe I will have all this one day…Or at least I’ll make sure my parents do…he couldn't help smiling at the thought…

…He opened his eyes and for a few seconds it felt like he was coming up from somewhere dark and far away like the bottom of the ocean. Then he noticed the orange glow of the bedroom…with a heart-stopping stab of shock he realised he’d fallen back to sleep again. He scrambled clumsily to his feet in a panic. He looked out the floor length window, then checked then checked the time on his phone…it was late afternoon. , he had really screwed up now…oh god, poor Hanbin!

“Hey…” He murmured as he jogged into the studio. Hanbin, who was at the computer with headphones around his neck and writing furiously, didn’t respond.

“What're you working on….?” Bobby asked timidly, clinging to the hope that Hanbin might just let his sleep-in slide..

“Why didn’t you come get me?” He smiled, trying to make a joke out of the whole situation. Having a sense of humour and a flirtatious tone usually worked wonders but Hanbin suddenly spun around on his chair, looking up at him with black eyes blazing with disappointment and hurt.

“I DID come and get you. Then you fell RIGHT BACK TO SLEEP, JIWON!”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry…I’m here now,” Hanbin’s eyes narrowed coldly. “Look, bin, I was really ing tired. If I didn’t sleep I would have been useless anyway.”

“How do you think I feel? I’m also really ing tired! I was up till 3 in the morning writing this ing song while you slept like a baby!”  Bobby cringed.

“Can you calm down? Let’s just get to work.”

“It’s like you don’t care about this!” Hanbin was seething now and he couldn’t seem to stop the words coming from out his mouth. “It’s like you don’t care about Ikon anymore! What’s going on? You planning to leave us or something?” Bobby froze and Hanbin realised he had gone too far. That was one line they had implicitly promised to never, ever, ever cross…to accuse the other of not caring about iKON or even worse…of leaving Ikon.

The truth was Hanbin knew Bobby would die without iKON, there wasn’t a doubt in his mind about it, never had been, never would be. What Hanbin had really wanted to yell at Bobby was “Why don’t you want to be here with me?!?” but somehow accusing Bobby of not caring about Ikon came out instead…maybe it was easier to accuse Bobby of the impossible than to accuse him of the real worry that was haunting him right now…that Bobby had fallen out of love with him. Truth be told he was feeling petty and just wanted Bobby to feel as hurt as he did right now…but as always he had gone too far. He could feel himself blushing like mad.

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, that was the dumbest thing I’ve ever said...Let’s get to work.” Hanbin couldn’t look up from his two sweater paws sitting awkwardly in his lap.  

Bobby was shaken and trying to process Hanbin’s harsh words. He didn’t care about Ikon? Was he going to leave Ikon? Woah. Ok, so those words had to have come from a seriously bad place…he knew Hanbin was stressed by the comeback pressure, and he knew not to trust the words that came from that place of stress and tiredness…

Hanbin had accused almost everyone of not caring enough about ikon before, it was his weird way of motivating them, reminding them of what they valued, how much they wanted what they had. But he had never tried that on Bobby before – he had never needed to. So what the ? To accuse him of leaving Ikon? Where had THAT come from. That was seriously heavy.

If they had had more time Bobby would have literally gone over to the studio and door and locked them both in until they had talked things out. There was no way he would normally let something this serious come between them…he would tell Hanbin everything on his mind…and Hanbin would tell him everything on his…but there just wasn’t time. YG was expecting songs, the comeback was waiting. Bobby took a deep breath and sat down next to Hanbin.

“Forget it. Let’s go, Bin, show me what you’ve got.”