In better circumstances Bobby’s hands on him like this would have sent a thrill of excitement all the way through Hanbin’s body but right now his touch just felt like a cruel joke.

“What? You want to talk now! I asked you yesterday in the car if something was wrong and you said nothing! Clearly it was a lie – you’ve been acting like you can’t stand me ever since we got back from that stupid meeting with YG that got us stuck here!” Hanbin snarled as he pushed Bobby off.

“Hanbin, seriously, I know I’ve been a but pl- ”

“-Anyway, I get it, it’s your decision,” Hanbin spoke over him, looking him straight in the eye. “Seriously, do what you want. I’m not going to hold you back so don’t expect me to.”

Bobby recoiled in surprise. What did he just say? That was…not what he was expecting…. From what he understood, from Hanbin’s earlier outburst and his reaction to the text, Hanbin had somehow convinced himself that he was planning to leave Ikon and that he had been putting off telling him…

As he’d raced to the front door to stop Hanbin from leaving without before they could talk it out he’d imagined Hanbin breaking down in seconds, asking him why, pleading with him to stay – all before he’d even been able to get a word in about what was really going on - That he had zero intention of leaving Ikon and this was all an insanely stupid misunderstanding! After all, there was no doubt in his mind that’s what he’d do if it was Hanbin planning to leave ikon…

But now Hanbin wasn’t even going to try to convince him to stay? His arms fell from Hanbin’s shoulders to hang limply by his sides. Hanbin looked at him with that awful cold stoicism of his he hadn’t seen since their survival program days.

“Just say it Jiwon. I know what you’re going to say. So just do it already, give me the bad news.”

Bobby couldn’t believe it. He walked away few paces trying to make sense of it. How could Hanbin seriously be telling him to leave ikon so coldly, so callously, without even a fight to make him to stay – even after all they had been through together?? It was seriously messing with his head…He’d never imagined Hanbin could be so stubborn and petty! He was beginning to doubt things now he’d never imagined he’d doubt before…

 “If you’re going to end this…I accept your decision.” Hanbin said impassively.

That was it. Bobby went to the front door, dashed through and slammed it behind him. He needed fresh air, he needed a break, he needed to calm down. He needed as much space between himself and Hanbin as physically possible. He was done being patient. He was done being misunderstood. He was done trying not to hurt people and then getting punished for it. There was a long path that led from the front of the house to an opening in the large forest that sat around the property. He felt his feet taking him there furiously. As he walked the cold air misted his angry breaths in front of his face, clouding his way.

He was halfway down the path when he heard jogging and he turned around. Hanbin was standing there in the middle of the path, surrounded by the mist of his hasty breaths. His face was still infuriatingly devoid of emotion.

“Jiwon, just tell me. Am I losing you.” Hanbin said it not as a question but as an impassive statement.

“Are you ing serious?” Bobby asked in exasperation. This was for real but he’d truly never imagined Hanbin would be capable of something as stupid as this…Bobby didn’t know what he was disgusted by most: the fact that Hanbin actually thought he would leave Ikon or that Hanbin wasn’t even trying to stop him from doing so.

“Tell me if I am. Just tell me, give me a warning. I don’t want it to come as shock.”

Bobby was too angry to speak. He shook his head furiously, hunched his shoulders against the cold and continued walking towards the forest.

“Jiwon…” Hanbin’s voice was suddenly a pained yelp. It was such a pitiful sound that it rooted Bobby to the spot once again, but he didn’t turn around. The damage was already done - Hanbin had finally shown a side of himself that Bobby wasn’t sure he could justify. There was a pause in which he waited for Hanbin to say something, anything that would undo the incredible hurtfulness of his accusation and the way he was handling it…

…Take it back Hanbin, take back what you said about me leaving ikon and letting me go just like that, just take it back…

He gave it a few more moments but Hanbin remained silent, so he kept walking and for the first time since he’d fallen in love with Hanbin he began to question if they were really suited to one another after all.

***

Hanbin watched as Bobby stalked down the path that led to the forest, waiting till his figure had completely disappeared into the dense forest of pine trees.

…Was this it? Was this how break ups happened? They never taught you about this stuff at school, his parents never sat him down and told him either. He didn’t know how to recognise the signs…

For what felt like a lifetime he stood there with his eyes fixed on that forest path, encased in a numbness so deep that it was terrifying. He couldn’t feel the cold, he couldn’t feel the tears on his cheeks, he couldn’t feel his own heartbeat, he couldn’t feel his fists in his duck-down coat pockets. Finally, as if a spell had broken he turned back to the house and began walking.

…So is this what heartbreak feels like…?

If so, it was cold, so much colder than he expected…and so empty. It wasn’t the passionate rage he’d seen in films or music videos…or the angsty disappointment he had experienced when he was nineteen and had his first taste of “unrequited love.” It was more like he had blinked and opened his eyes to find himself at the bottom of a deep, dark, freezing pit with no ladder and no chance of escape. It was really weird though, while the pain was overwhelming his thought processes were inappropriately calm and pragmatic….it seemed that now the worst had happened his brain had reset itself and all the anxious thoughts were gone…there was just numbness.

…well, that’s that then…

…at least the worst is over….

…Better head back to the studio…

… need to get another song ready…

…maybe I could recycle those lines we ended up cutting…

…time is running out…

He sat down at Tablo’s desk and picked up a pen, holding it in his hands and starring at it for a while. He realized he was wasting time with a jolt – what was he doing..? Oh, he needed to find that file, that’s what...He gave the mouse a shake to wake up the Mac… suddenly he realized he’d been staring at the mouse... It was as if now that Bobby wasn’t his anymore everything looked different, strange, unreal...

He began writing and strangely enough for the first 30 minutes the lyrics came easily and the concept was strong. He took a pause and read over them. They were good, really good. He knew straight away they were going to work but…he felt nothing. No happiness, no relief, nothing at all.

…What the is wrong with me? I’ve just been broken up with and here I am writing songs…but what is the point in this? Like, what is going to happen now…what’s going to happen to Ikon because…because Jiwon and I have broken up….how the could it end like this..?

A hot tear trickled solemnly, almost apologetically, down his cheek, beside his nose and down under his chin. It was followed by another and another shortly after that. He hadn’t cried for so long it felt totally alien, like something his body was doing without his consent on someone else’s orders. His heart was throbbing so painfully now he was sure it must be bruised purple and blue inside. Each breath weighed a ton yet he felt impossibly empty, as if he was just a paper plane and at any moment would go sailing away into the cold winter air and no one would notice.

He winced and clutched his chest as a bolt of pain suddenly pulsed through him. Ok, wow. There it was, no mistaking it this time - this was heartbreak. The shock had obviously passed and now everything was really hitting him.

He sobbed into his folded arms on the desk in front of him, quietly yet raggedly, as if each sob needed to be teared from his lungs individually, one by one, to be set free.

***

Not usually one for nature - it was nice but not for all the time and definitely not while alone -Bobby had followed the path into the pine forest that sat behind Tablo’s house until it became a dirt track winding slightly uphill. The forest with its huge grizzly trees had an alien but beautiful, prehistoric feel to it. Pine needles cushioned each step and the last of the sunsets pink hues glowed streakily through the trunks. He pushed himself onwards and onwards stopping finally when he was absolutely breathless and his legs were shaking. It wasn’t that steep but somehow the air felt heavier out here, sitting like marble in his lungs because it was so pure and cold. He leant against a tree catching his breath then spotted a path that led to a small lookout. He wandered out onto the outlook marveling at how unexpectedly high up he was. Rejecting the corny looking wooden bench placed to enjoy the view, he scrambled onto a large rock that sat a bit behind and leant back on his elbows.

….Tablo’s house was over there to the left looking much smaller now and rather deserted…there was the car in the driveway…there was the road that led off the property back to the highway and all the way back to Seoul…there were the fields with their fluffy white pom-pom flowers…there were the creepy looking mountains, some middle-earth alright….there was the ing huge sky and a frickin’ beautiful sunset that looked like a strawberry milkshake...

He sat up suddenly as an overwhelming cringe-attack interrupted his appreciation of his surroundings.

…What a ing mess, you ing moron, Jiwon…this is what happens when you’re not honest with Hanbin…he loses his !! But damn him for being so insecure! No…that’s not fair, he loves me and I have been cold...he got scared, he panicked…he does that, the stupid idiot…the stupid idiot who is so ing full of pride and stubbornness he would rather save face than keep me in IKON..?!

He was still reeling from Hanbin’s unexpected reaction to his leaving iKON  - which wasn’t even a thing!!! How ironic, this whole time he’d been keeping his secret from Hanbin because ultimately he was afraid Hanbin would hurt him by letting him down if he didn’t react well…but now, Hanbin reacting to his “leaving iKon” in such a proud and stubborn way had ended up hurting him a thousand times more! It was so infuriating the whole stupid thing.

He wanted to cry, even wished he could because then he might feel better, but he was just too angry. He waited and watched as the sun set, painstakingly slowly at first, then suddenly all in a rush as if it was late for something.

What was he going to do….what should he do…where to go from here? He needed to speak to Jinhwan. He got out his phone but there was no connection…of course, he chuckled bitterly. He was going to have to sort this out on his own..

So, how was he supposed to understand Hanbin’s reaction….was there another way to look at it? Was there some other way to interpret it other than prideful, hurtful and disappointing? No…there wasn’t. Sure Hanbin was stressed….but this was something else. He still had standards about how Hanbin should treat him after all!  He now had to ask himself some tough questions that would cause him a lot of pain…

Could he forgive Hanbin? Just thinking the words made him wince.. Could he give him a chance to take back those words? Could they recover from this?

The truth was he just didn’t know, they’d never been in a situation like this…in fact he’d never been in a situation like this before relationship-wise with anyone ever!

Another thought ran through his mind….was it worth it? Was it worth fixing things with Hanbin? Or was it best they just go back to being friends as best they could?

That was the ultimate question…was it worth it?

***

Hanbin had managed to cry himself out of tears. He lifted his face chalky from the salt and wiped a hand across his raw eyes. He swung around on the chair and stared grimly at the studio door knowing exactly what he had to do. He went downstairs, grabbed the warmest jacket he had, pulled on a beanie and scarf, opened the front door and sat down on the big, stone doorstep. He hugged his legs and began waiting for Bobby.

***

…..What the are you talking about Jiwon.? Of course it’s worth going down there and sorting this out. Hanbin is worth everything and anything...

Hanbin had really disappointed him just now and he was still angry with him, that was for sure. But he loved him, loved him so much it hurt. He’d loved him as soon as he’d laid eyes on him his first day at YG. He hadn’t known it was love straight away, but looking back he realized it had been all along. And now Hanbin had been his for the last few years he couldn’t give him up. So in his mind they didn’t really have a choice, they were just going to have to deal with it and fix things.

But he needed Hanbin to understand why his reaction to his “leaving ikon” was totally ed. He also needed an apology – a really ing good one.

He climbed clumsily down off the rock he’d been on for the last forty minutes and headed back, only just able to see his way in the barely there light. He began gearing himself up to give Hanbin another chance…and to do his own explaining… He didn’t feel angry anymore just nervous.

…Don’t let me down Hanbin, I swear to God, don’t you ing break my heart man…

***

Years ago, back when he was still attending high school, Hanbin had hubristically vowed to never, ever, beg someone to take him back after they’d broken up with him. He’d liked the idea that he’d accept fate as it was dealt to him - even in matters of love. In his mind that was how truly wise and dignified people behaved. They didn’t get down on hands and knees and beg someone to take them back. They accepted their loss, stomached the pain, and moved on from it with pride intact.

But back then he clearly hadn’t known what love was. He also hadn’t known what heartbreak was. Now he did know. His heart was breaking right now on this ing freezing doorstep and it was a pain he could never have imagined or anticipated. It was as painful as losing WIN, perhaps even more. All his romantic ideas of stoic dignity, calm acceptance and resignation had gone out the door. Desperation and panic had taken over like a wildfire and he was going to try to make Bobby love him again. He wanted the pain to end and to be back in Bobby’s arms, being held there safe and loved again. He wished this had never happened. He wished it was a awful nightmare and he’d wake up any second to roll over and find Jiwon curled up next to him.

So, If he had to he would beg, cry, reason, fight, wail…And if that didn’t work…well, that just wasn’t an option…

***

…What’s he doing sitting outside?? What an idiot, he’s probably freezing his balls off….

Bobby was walking back down the path from the forest towards the house. It was dark now in the absolute, uncompromisingly way rural areas always are at night. As he drew closer he saw that Hanbin really was looking almost frozen, perched on the black stone step of the house, arms wrapped around his shins, eyes puffy, and the long tip of his nose bright red. As Bobby came closer Hanbin stood up and stumbled to the side on his stiff legs. He’d been in the same position in the cold for quite a while. Instinctively Bobby reached out to steady him and their eyes met awkwardly. Bobby felt himself melt just a little.

Goddamn it was so hard to be angry at Hanbin! Even when he was being so stupid he was so irresistibly vulnerable and attractive. You just wanted to grab and shake him, throw him against a wall and then kiss him really hard on his stupid, beautiful mouth. But no, he had to keep it together. They needed to work through this.

“Three years of training, two survival programs, nine countries, 15 music awards, 8 music videos, 2 years….” Bobby began listing.

“And…?” Hanbin asked confused. Bobby felt anger peak again.

“I AM REMINDING YOU OF EVERYTHING WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH TOGETHER, WHAT THE !”

“Is that seriously how you see us?” Hanbin mumbled.

“What do you mean?!”

“We’re not just a band…we’re more than that..” Hanbin’s voice broke.

“I know! So much more! So why would I leave?!”

“You’ve made it clear – you didn’t want to be here this weekend – you have hardly spoken to me – you told me back at YG that this weekend was bad timing….and then the text from Jinhwan…I saw it. I knew it, I knew this would happen,” Hanbin finished croakily.

“What would happen??” Bobby growled warningly. So what, was Hanbin now saying he’d been suspecting him of leaving Ikon for a while? Jesus, for how long? “ it Hanbin, just say what you’re thinking already!”

“That this was too good to be true…”

“I’m not the one who has decided this is too good to be true – you have!” Bobby protested.

“I should never have given us a go…it’s my fault.” Hanbin didn’t seem to be hearing him at this point.

“We should never have given iKON a go?? What the are you even saying?! We should never have followed our dreams!?” Hanbin looked at him with hurt shiny eyes and trembling lips.

“Why do you keep saying that? We’re not just iKON, Jiwon…we’re…well we were…but now you have fallen out of love with me, you don’t want this anymore.” Hanbin looked down in a grimace of acute pain. When he looked up tears were streaming down his face. “Don’t break up with me…please,” Hanbin croaked.

“-Wait, what?” Bobby was totally bewildered now. He couldn’t understand what he’d just heard and Hanbin’s tears were terrible to see – he hadn’t seen him cry in months and months. “What??” He asked again taking Hanbin’s hands.

“I-I was just saying that...I don’t want this to end, I-I love you…” Hanbin mumbled tentatively taken aback by Bobby’s confusion. Bobby stood for a second with his mouth hanging open and a look of utmost confusion on his face.

“You think I don’t love you anymore?” Hanbin didn’t dare say anything, he was also confused now.

“Wait you think I’m breaking up with you? Is that what this is about?”

“Yes…I asked you before you ran off and you didn’t deny it!”

“…JESUS CHRIST HANBIN!” Bobby grabbed Hanbin’s face in both hands and gave him a slight shake. “I thought you were accusing me of leaving iKON!” Hanbin didn’t know what to do or say, he was lost.

“I-I’m so confused right now…” Hanbin murmured unable to break contact with Bobby’s intense gaze.

 “Oh my god. Are you serious?” Bobby laughed and whined at the same time, his hands flying up to clasp together behind his head in frustration. This whole time he had thought Hanbin had been accusing him of ditching iKON for MOBB or his own solo work…but in reality he had been accusing him of falling out of love with him!

…actually he didn’t know which accusation was more stupid. Clearly they were both insane.

“Look, I am going to ask you some questions and I need you to answer me! OK??” He demanded. Hanbin looked alarmed but he nodded.

“Did you at any point over the last few days think I wanted to leave iKON?” Bobby asked intensely.

“No.”

“Did you ever think that I was deliberately spending less time on iKON’s comeback because I wasn’t interested in being a part of iKON anymore?”

“No.”

“Did you think Jinhwan’s text was about me not wanting to tell you I was leaving Ikon?”

“No.”

“….THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE WE FIGHTING ABOUT?” Bobby yelled in frustration.

“YOU TREATING ME LIKE !” Hanbin yelled back. “Since you got back from Japan you’ve been so cold to me! And then you didn’t want to spend this weekend here with me! It was like you couldn’t stand the idea of being alone with me or something…! You’ve been so moody, and distant…and apathetic!!Of course I began to think you didn’t feel the same way anymore or something! What the …are you laughing, Jiwon?? You !” Hanbin pounded him angrily on the arm tears bubbling embarrassingly from his eyes.

“I’m not laughing at you, I promise. I just can’t believe this whole thing escalated like this. . Look…I know I haven’t been the best since I got back from Japan…it’s just, well something happened the night I got back from Japan, before I even got back to the dorms…and well, it was a huge disappointment for me.”

“…What? Wait, is this what Jinhwan’s text is about?” Hanbin asked anxious again. Bobby might’ve said he hadn’t fallen out of love with him but he wasn’t letting himself get all hopeful yet…he couldn’t take getting his heart broken twice. No ing way.

“Just wait, wait, wait, can we go inside? It’s frickin freezing out here.” He ushered Hanbin in the front door and closed it behind him. Hanbin stood in the foyer looking solemn. He knew he owed him an explanation…he knew it was the right thing to do...but jesus he just didn’t want this to open a whole new can of worms…

“Do you wanna go sit down in the loungeroom? I’ll tell you ok….?”