Afternoon sunshine poured through the window of the car and scattered into a rainbow of light across Hanbin’s face. He closed his eyes until the glaring red behind his eyelids disappeared and reopened them to continue watching the scenery flashing by. Mountains loomed ahead peacefully in the horizon and over them the winter sky had started breaking down into flaming pastel pinks and oranges, lighting up the wheat fields lining the highway. Yet the incredible beauty outside only seemed to intensify what was wrong inside the car. Hanbin looked over at Bobby at the wheel. He was as handsome as ever with his full bottom lip pouting slightly and his sharp jawline cutting a dramatic shadow in the afternoon glow. His usually smiley eyes were cold and distant though, and there was something about his whole demeanor that seemed to say to Hanbin “I am far away and I don’t know when I will be coming back.”

Had there been a different mood Hanbin may have fed Bobby snacks as he drove. Maybe, he would have turned to him and asked a question he hadn’t asked before, something that would have made Bobby laugh and cringe but nonetheless he would have answered honestly, as always. Maybe, he would have hummed a new melody and recorded it on his phone while Bobby beatboxed badly. Maybe, they would have spent the trip teasing each other and cracking up, rapping along to their favourite tracks and being idiots.

But there wasn’t a different mood in the car – there was just the mood there was and it was flat and tired. In fact, they hadn’t spoken much since they got into the car at the YG building, only a few perfunctory exchanges regarding getting the GPS working. Hanbin had tried a few times to initiate conversation with Bobby but he hadn’t gotten very far. Bobby’s strained smiles and forced chuckles were more uncomfortable than silence and he had given up.

Nothing activated Hanbin’s anxious neediness quite like Bobby being out of sorts. It was as if the electric energy they shared was abruptly cut off at the source or like he suddenly didn’t have blood pumping through his body anymore. In those moments, he was reminded just how physically, emotionally and creatively dependent he was on Bobby and it was scary to remember how much of his happiness rested in that person feeling the same way. Bobby being in a bad place always seemed to act as a cold reminder that he and Bobby actually weren’t one brain, heart and soul, even though it felt like that a lot of time. Rather, Bobby really was like everyone else in the world – independent from him, an individual with a world of his own, and the terrifying power to both share and withhold his thoughts and feelings from Hanbin if he so chose.

As the wheat fields flashed past in a blur of golden light, green grass and white blooms, Hanbin being the compulsive over-thinker he was, was trying to piece things together, trying to work out when it was exactly that he had noticed Bobby had withdrawn from the world they usually shared, and disappeared into his own. Hanbin tried to think back to find some clues…

Bobby had been extremely busy lately dividing his time between his solo activities, MOBB and of course iKON and their comeback. Since the Japan tour had finished it had felt like every second day Hanbin had woken up it was to discover Bobby was gone, off somewhere doing something non-iKON related. Seeing Bobby’s empty bed and mussed sheets in the morning was always a surprise and left hanbin feeling a bit empty and flat until Bobby was back by his side. Usually they had made a point of being up to date with each other’s schedules so they were always prepared for the other’s absence. But the last few weeks it seemed pointless trying to keep each other up to date when their schedules were all so last minute, changeable and chaotic, structured according to a logic that only made sense to YG and their managers. They weren’t about to complain about it though – that was the irony of it all – although being busy was exhausting it was ten thousand times preferable to the stagnant, endless trainee days.

Hanbin had been crazy busy too. With the comeback pressure building relentlessly he’d simply had too much work to do and too much anxiety to stick to normal working and sleeping hours. Other than rewarding the fans for their loyalty, and of course producing awesome music he could be proud of, it was the promise of more iKON related promotions that kept him motivated and pushing forwards. He was looking forward to the nourishment of time with Bobby which was always more plentiful when IKON was the focus of both of their schedules. There was nothing quite like the seven of them altogether, and with Bobby by his side. In the meantime he took what brief happy moments he could get with Bobby when he saw him and tried not to dwell on how that still never felt enough and how annoyingly needy he could feel himself becoming...

The first time he had seen Bobby in what felt like ages had been just the night before. It was about 11pm and he was just about to return to the studio after a nap when Bobby walked in the front door with headphones on and a hoodie pulled down over his head. Only his straggly straw coloured bangs peered out from underneath. Hanbin could tell immediately from his slouched posture and the clumsy way he pulled off his Reeboks that he was exhausted. At the time Hanbin had put it down to the usual post-Japan-schedule-tiredness and Bobby’s susceptibility to jet-lag.

Because of his music blasting from his headphones Bobby didn’t hear Hanbin say hello from the other side of the room. He was about to slouch off in the direction of the bathroom when he spotted Hanbin. They exchanged one of their bizarre but efficient wordless-conversations in which they could read in each other’s faces the subtlest mood changes and thoughts in just a matter of seconds. First they raised their brows and smiled in greeting and both paused for a second where they were. Bobby nodded towards the door as if to say “You’re heading out? I’d hug you but I really, really need to pee, sorry.” Hanbin smiled back as if to say “Yup, all good, get some sleep please and I’ll catch up with you tomorrow, ok?”

…Well there had been nothing weird about that. Bobby had looked dog-tired, complete with eye-bags, dull skin, and none of his usual pep, but that wasn’t out of the ordinary as he’d just stepped off a plane….

…Well, what else could be putting Bobby in such a bad mood…? To be fair this whole situation had come up so unexpectedly, and unlike Hanbin who relished spontaneity Bobby didn’t cope so well with with. He was a total sloth when off-duty but because he liked to preserve his real fire for the fun stuff, like meeting fans and performing. Being spontaneous interrupted his energy cycle of unwinding and recharging his batteries.

Was that it then? Was Bobby just irritated because he hadn’t had time to prepare for this random weekend mentally?

To be fair, Hanbin mused to himself ruefully, he didn’t like having things sprung on him by YG either. It was the left over trauma all the way back from the WIN and Mix and Match days….

He rubbed his face with both hands tiredly stifling a yawn and tucked his legs up onto the edge of the car seat. It really had been one hell of a long, weird day. In fact, Hanbin concluded, this was the strangest thing that had happened to them so far during their time at YG.

***

The day had begun with a call from their manager telling Hanbin that a car would be coming around shortly to take Bobby and himself to a meeting with YG regarding their comeback. The anxious nerves had set in immediately and for a few minutes after the call all he could do was sit on the couch, his chin resting on his clasped hands while he stared into space, trying to anticipate what this meeting could be about. Getting Bobby up had been surprisingly difficult. The infamous early-riser was as stubborn as a sleepy toddler, growling with annoyance into his pillow until Hanbin informed him it was YG who was demanding to see him. He had frozen then finally started getting ready.

Bobby dreaded meetings with YG almost as much as he did but as they left the dorms Hanbin noticed he seemed more reluctant than ever, dragging his feet and slouching into the car with his hoodie pulled over his head. Hanbin put it down to the same tiredness he had seen in Bobby the night before, and although he wanted Bobby’s reassurance, even to hold his hand for a bit, he decided not to disturb him and just let him sleep in the car.  Thankfully Bobby had managed to pull himself together and was his usual polite, reverent self when they sat down before YG in his huge spiral office. Hanbin sat next to him, heart thudding in his throat, waiting to find out what exactly about the comeback needed discussing.

“So this comeback…” Yang Hyunsuk drawled in his soft reedy voice, “…is taking you longer to prepare for than I expected.”

Hanbin felt his stomach plunge into what felt like a bucket of icy, cold water. What a great start.

“It seems to me that the song-writing process is becoming really drawn out and I think this might be because there has been a decrease in the amount of time you are all working as a team. Remember, teamwork was always iKON’s forte.”

They nodded uncertainly. Where was this going?

“Hanbin you are the lead song-writer and you need plenty of energy and inspiration to compose good music for this comeback. From what I understand, you draw a lot of energy from Bobby? Is this correct?”

“Y-yes” Hanbin stuttered in surprise. Bobby and he hadn’t had song-writing time just the two of them for ages because of the conflicting schedules, and yeah, he had really missed it to be honest. YG was uncannily perceptive sometimes, Hanbin had to hand it to him. Even though he scared the out of him it was like YG sometimes understood him better as an artist than he did himself…

“Well I think that MOBB’s schedule has meant Bobby has not made a sufficient contribution so far to this comeback and we need to change this.” YG’s cold words hung in the air dangerously. They sounded harsh to Hanbin and he imagined they sounded even worse to Bobby but he didn’t dare look to see how he’d taken them.

 “So what I have decided is this,” Yang Hyunsuk paused looking between them intently, alerting the boys to the fact that something out of the ordinary was about to happen.

“I have spoken to Tablo about my concerns regarding your progress. As one of your mentors he knows both of you well as artists and as people. I thought maybe he could give me insight into what has been holding you up. He suggested that you two need to spend some more intense creative time together to move this song-writing process along. Bobby, I need you assume greater responsibility. I think some of the skills you have developed in MOBB will be of use to iKON’s comeback. I expect both of you, iKON’s rappers, to work together and draw upon your chemistry to produce some good music.

 “So, Tablo and I agreed you two both need a change of scene and uninterrupted time to activate this creativity. At first I was going to send you both to work in a different local studio but Tablo has very generously offered his holiday home in the countryside – it’s about an hour’s drive outside Seoul –  it’s very nice. And of course, he has an excellent recording studio there.”

For a several long, awkward seconds neither of the boys could summon an appropriate reaction. Hanbin snapped out of his shock first, bowing and offering his thanks, Bobby following his lead straight after.

“So, for your discretion you will be borrowing a company car with an ordinary license plate and tinted windows and I have been told that leaving around 3 o’clock will get you there in plenty of time before it gets dark. Any questions?” Yang Hyun-Suk regarded them with his usual impassive face. So this really wasn’t a joke, it was real.

 “Sir, when exactly will we be going?” Hanbin asked tentatively. Yang HyunSuk broke from his serious demeanour and chucked.

“Oh, I didn’t make that clear? Today, this Friday afternoon. You will come back Monday morning.”

Hanbin nodded robotically, everything was slowly sinking in…

 “Sir, will Tablo be at his house?” Bobby asked.

“No, you will have the house to yourselves without distraction or interruption. Tablo and his family have just left to go on holiday overseas but he has told me he will contact you both directly regarding any specifics about the house you need to know. He mentioned a few things about operating the sound booth in particular.

“Oh and one last point I would like to make clear,” YG’s tone was suddenly severe again, “this is a huge honour from your mentor. Use your time wisely so we can make this comeback a reality, or else I am going to have to push it back indefinitely.” The boys nervously offered their thanks once again and promised to try their best.

 “Ok, you can return to your dorms now and pack, take warm clothes. Even though it is warming up I’ve been told it is still colder there than here in Seoul. Have a good weekend.”

Upon leaving YG’s office Hanbin had turned to Bobby with broad smile of disbelief and grabbed him by the shoulders to give him an excited shake.

“What the hell? This is crazy! Tablo is the ing best!” Bobby’s reaction wasn’t what Hanbin had been expecting. He smiled weakly and gently pulled off Hanbin.

“Yeah….it’s just bad timing, that’s all…”

Watching Bobby then trudge down the hallway Hanbin felt a little disappointed and confused. Surely Bobby realized what an amazing opportunity this was? A weekend away on Tablo’s countryside property! A chance to get away from the comeback anxieties haunting their dorm and a chance to be creative in a different environment – the training rooms had been feeling particularly claustrophobic lately. There had been one last underlying and undeniably exciting implication regarding this weekend alone: three days and three nights together, all to themselves…but Hanbin was getting the feeling that romance was the last thing on Bobby’s mind and that kinda hurt..

***

Now, here they were, an hour outside Seoul hitting the highway at an easy 100 k/hr and Hanbin was still pretty sure romance was the last thing on Bobby’s mind.  Hanbin took another quick glance Bobby this time noticing his tight knuckles gripping the gearstick. He had been heavy on the accelerator and break today - not to mention the swear words. Leaving the city had truly been a battle of nerves between Bobby and everyone else on the road. There had been several times when Hanbin had simply surrendered to the fact that his life was over, closed his eyes, gripped the armrest of his seat and braced himself for contact. However, Bobby hadn’t forgotten that the slick black 4WD he was in charge of was a company car. Somehow that knowledge alone was keeping them safe against the odds.

Hanbin knew what he should do about this weird situation, rather, he knew what Bobby would say he should do about this kind of situation: “Just talk about it, be honest, talk it out.” Hanbin hated being the first one to initiate difficult conversations like this. He just felt so exposed and full of doubt. As soon as he went to open his mouth about what was on his mind he suddenly felt like it was all in his head and the other person would think he was crazy or needy. In this moment however, with Bobby obviously caught up on something he really needed to bite the bullet and say something. For a while Hanbin squirmed in his seat nervously, trying to build up the confidence. You’re always telling me to open up, to be up-front with you, so here goes…

“Hey, is everything ok?” he asked Bobby, trying to keep his tone cool and nonchalant.

“Yeah, all good,” Bobby replied quickly. Too quickly, Hanbin noted feeling unsettled. Instead of being reassured that Bobby was simply over-tired and would snap out of this mood as soon as he got a another good night’s sleep, now Hanbin just felt more convinced there was something else going on that Bobby had no intention of sharing with him.

But what on earth would Bobby not want to share with him? If Bobby was angry with him (which literally happened so rarely Hanbin couldn’t even remember the last time they had a serious fight) he would have said so by now - that was Bobby’s style. That was one thing he loved so much about Bobby, how honest he was, wearing his heart proudly on his sleeve so Hanbin always knew where he stood with him.

…Jiwon never lets misunderstandings drag out…if he was truly angry with me we’d already have had make-up by now…

…So, if Jiwon isn’t angry with me, then why else is he in a bad mood…?

Hanbin suddenly remembered when they left YG’s office that morning – Bobby had muttered something about poor timing…what did he say?

“…it’s just bad timing…”

Well, there were a few things he could have meant by that…

Maybe Bobby just really didn’t want to be going on this trip? That was kind of hurtful, because Hanbin was still clinging to the hope that the next few days could be awesome. Maybe that was it though? Maybe this mood was all just down to bad timing because Bobby had just wanted to rest this weekend. But then again, they all did and Bobby wasn’t one to complain about working hard. Long ago back in the first year of being a trainee Hanbin had watched Bobby learn the harsh realities of what it took to debut quickly and without complaint.

Or maybe it was bad timing because Bobby had wanted to see his family this weekend and he resented that now he couldn’t? Still, that didn’t really make sense either because Bobby usually planned seeing his family well in advance and Hanbin always knew when those reunions were coming up because Bobby would always tell him in excitement….and Hanbin would help him count down the days till Bobby saw them, that was what they always did…

Hanbin felt more bewildered than ever.

…There’s definitely something wrong, but you don’t want to tell me…and it’s not because I have done something wrong and upset you…but whatever is going on means you don’t want to have this weekend away with me because of bad timing…

Suddenly Hanbin thought of something. His blood ran cold, his heart beat became a painful thud, and he became aware of each breath feeling more shallow and weak. He knew he was jumping to the worst possible conclusion but it was too late, the idea was there now... Was it that Bobby’s feelings towards him changed and he couldn’t bring himself to tell him….? They had been spending the last few weeks apart more and more often…

No, no, no, no. Nope. Impossible. Hanbin erased the idea from his mind, literally shaking his head as if to send the thought flying out one ear. That idea was simply too terrible (and stupid – damn his brain!) to even consider.

He decided he would just try again later to get Bobby talking when he had rested. They would talk out whatever was going on and move on…but still, Bobby’s uncharacteristic refusal to confide in him had shaken his confidence.

A mass of anxious words and phrases began stubbornly running through Hanbin’s mind and he pulled his notebook out of his pocket to scribble them down hoping that might somehow tame them. Anyway, maybe they would end up being useful for late night lyric writing? If he was going to be an anxious mess he may as well make some use out of it.

Love – there’s nothing like it. There really is no other experience so defined by its extremes.

When it’s good, it’s unbelievable. It’s everything the songs, books and movies talk about. And more.

But when love is bad?

Well, it ing .

He slipped the notebook away.  Bobby was usually obsessed with his notebooks, nagging him to give him a look, even trying to steal them when he wasn’t looking. But the distant Bobby at the wheel today hadn’t even noticed. That hurt too…

The highest point of the sky was just starting to bleed into an electric cobalt blue, the colour perfectly matching Hanbin’s mood. Fortunately the GPS hadn’t made any alarming noises yet to tell them they were lost. He just hoped they’d reach the house before night fell -- He hated arriving places when it was dark, it made him feel depressed.

Following the robotic instructions of the GPS they were finally alerted to take a turn off the highway and started down a long drive through a forest of birch trees. Through the gaps between the grey and white patched trunks Hanbin caught flashes of the house and the anticipation began to build. The trees eventually thinned out, the road opened up and then they were driving towards a hill, the road lined by more fields sprinkled with white flowers and tall grass. A stunning mountain range and a forest framed the sprawling piece of land and before it looking out onto the fields was Tablo’s house. It was a large grey, modernistic building with three levels, each a minimalist concrete structure anchored on an angle to the one below. Huge full length windows featured on each level to make the most of the beautiful scenery. Timber details gave the place both a rustic and futuristic look. It was incredible. It was totally surreal that they were staying here for the weekend…

Hanbin came to his senses and realised Bobby had stopped driving – he too was staring with his mouth hanging open. Bobby finally shook his head in disbelief and took off with an impatient burst of speed. Hanbin had hoped for a joke or a string of swear words but they continued on in silence.

Entering the house was another experience altogether. It wasn’t so much awe as terror as they fully realised the gravity of the situation – they were unsupervised in a house full of beautiful, expensive things, all of which belonged to Tablo… What if they broke something?? Hanbin immediately decided that if that happened he would have to fake his death and flee to some obscure far-away country to disappear forever from shame. Unless…He suddenly had a ridiculous vision of himself and Bobby walking around the house covered head to toe in chubby space-suits made of bubble-wrap and he smiled to himself. Jiwon looked so cute! Usually he’d share his zany thoughts with Bobby who found him hilarious no matter how odd his imagination was, but that didn’t seem like an option right now.

The house had an open-floor plan with beautiful polished concrete floors and a grey and white colour scheme. It was luxurious without being ostentatious and minimalist without being uncomfortable. There was a huge white marble fireplace and several black sofas in the loungeroom area, huge grey bookshelves housing rows and rows of books organised by colour, a beautiful glass coffee table containing live plants, and a giant painting on the wall that upon closer inspection turned out to be the work of the creative child genius Haru. Apparently, the mass of bright scribbles and splashes was a portrait of Haru’s mother. Adorable. Over to the side there was a huge open kitchen mostly made up of polished concrete and chic black marble, with overhead cupboards containing artistic wabi sabi-style cups and plates. On the other side of the kitchen there was a hallway leading no doubt to more incredible rooms, and on the other side was a huge flight of industrial steel stairs that must have been imported straight out of an old factory. The place was effortlessly cool and totally charming - just like Tablo, Hanbin concluded approvingly.

Their footsteps made soft echoes in the large space as they wandered around in silent awe and the last glimmers of golden afternoon light hit the walls through the floor-length windows casting a dreamy glow that filled the entire space. The view through the windows was so pretty it filled Hanbin a deep happy longing. Forgetting his worries for a second Hanbin turned excitedly to Bobby.

“If this is the first level what are the other two like??” He gestured to the stairs, suggesting they keep exploring but Bobby, looking rather worn-out with his backpack slung over one shoulder and his eyes small and pinched with tiredness, hesitated.

“To be honest, I just wanna sleep…” Bobby mumbled avoiding his gaze.

“Oh yeah, sure. You’re tired…” Hanbin said trying to ignore his disappointment. Without another word Bobby trudged tiredly down the hallway. Hanbin heard him open and close a few doors until he found a bedroom. Light lit up the dark hallway for a second as Bobby obviously found the switch then disappeared as he softly closed the door behind him.

Hanbin took a long hot, but rather lonely shower in a palatial bathroom he found down the same hallway, trying not to overthink Bobby’s actions and dwell on his intensifying feelings of hurt and anger. Bobby was probably just tired, that was it…but he didn’t have to be so cold! He got dressed and walked into the kitchen, looking around nervously with wide eyes, half expecting to be intercepted by security guards on the way asking him who the hell he was and what he thought he was doing here in Tablo’s house. The kitchen was overwhelming in every sense. Hanbin would never have previously considered calling a fridge ‘beautiful,’ and yet that was the only way he could describe it. It was loaded with food: meat, eggs, fresh noodles, fruit, vegetables, fish….it was amazing and looked delicious but he had no idea what to do with it all. Despite the time his dad and Uncle had recently taken to improving his cooking skills he still had trouble pulling things together unsupervised. He needed Bobby – surely now he would be feeling better after having settled into the house a bit more and had time to finally gather his thoughts…?

He knocked on the door Bobby had disappeared into. There was no answer. He pushed the door open slowly to find the room in complete darkness. From the sound of soft snores it was clear Bobby was asleep already. Hanbin suddenly felt angry. He knew Bobby was tired but he resented the fact that he was going to have to get the song-writing process started alone. He had been so relieved at the idea that Bobby would be with him, brainstorming with him, writing with him. It was a far less stressful and lonely process that way and they really had so much to do there wasn’t any time to waste. Now here they were, the first night into this song-writing marathon, time was flitting away and Bobby was sleeping through it.

It also seemed odd and out of character…where was the Jiwon who couldn’t wait to get into the recording studio and create new music?

Hanbin found Tablo’s studio with little difficulty. It was on the second floor with a huge white door marking its place. Hanbin opened it tentatively, both excited and terrified what he would find within. There was a beautiful grand piano, a huge white desk featuring several Mac desktops and high-end headphones, a large sound-booth, several standing microphones, a vast array of speakers and switchboards, and an amazing wood panelled acoustic ceiling. There was also a small hallway leading to what appeared to be another part of the studio. Hanbin walked through to find a stunningly simple white room with high ceilings, massive bookshelves, a huge white sofa and full length windows looking out onto the countryside view.

Suddenly his phone buzzed – it was a message from Tablo.

>>So you find the house ok? What u think??<<

>>Yeah found it no problems! This house is ing incredible!<<

>>Hell yeah!! Message me if you have any questions. How’s Bobby?<<

Hanbin hesitated, not knowing how to answer Tablo’s question…

>>I will and thank you again. I have no idea how I can thank you. Bobby is good<<

Suddenly a short clip of Haru came through from Tablo. She was splashing about in a sparkling pool wearing her usual imperious facial expression. Hanbin smiled.

>>Tell Haru hi from me!<<

There was a pause, then:

>>She says you need to write songs now! Good luck B.I.!<<

Feeling nervous and mildly disoriented he sat down at Tablo’s desk and the computer. For a second he tried to collect his thoughts and get into the right headspace but it was hard. When things weren’t right with Bobby nothing seemed right….

Actually, that gave him an idea…He began writing. 

***

He woke up slowly, looking around with his hair fluffy and wild, struggling for a second to remember where he was. Since he’d hit the air con Tablo’s studio had become surprisingly cozy and he had quite literally fallen asleep on the job. He realised sadly that he still hadn’t finished the song he was writing…he needed another verse at least and the bridge just wasn’t that great. He checked the time. 2am. . He would work for another hour…then crash….

The hour passed painfully slowly but he made some progress. For some reason it seemed that being annoyed and hurt with Bobby was giving him some creative momentum.

The long day finally caught up with him and suddenly he just had to sleep. Rather than head downstairs and deal with the issue of whether or not to hop into bed with Bobby he wandered over to the other side of the studio and collapsed onto Tablo’s extremely comfortable white couch. He noticed a big woollen blanket folded up on the shelf overhead and he pulled it over him. Things would be ok with Bobby, he tried reassuring himself. This was just a weird day and Bobby needed sleep. Bobby would be ok. He would be ok. They would be ok. Everything would be ok.