‘Just breathe, okay? Just take a deep breath, hold for four, and breathe out…’

Reminding yourself to stay calm, you tried to recollect your thoughts and center yourself. Thankfully, it was just before dawn, so there was no one else outside on this side of the river to witness the array of emotions you were currently getting into. On the other hand though, it left you more vulnerable to your thoughts, as the silence always put you on the edge. Gazing off over the barely visible tops of the trees, you found yourself reminiscing on your past.

Although your parents were servants in the palace, you still had some semblance to a normal childhood. You did all the chores you were expected to do, and every once in a while, you were given a break and would play with all the other servant children. It was a fun childhood full of excitement, but nothing could have prepared you for that fateful night.

You could remember the exact moment all your problems had begun, or at least when your life took a whole different spin. Only four years old, you had just learned how to cook rice and steep tea. Apparently that was enough for the Queen, seeing as she had one of her ladies-in-waiting come over to your small house to fetch you. Being abruptly woken up from sleep, you had no idea what all the fuss between the woman and your parents was, only aware of the fact you were suddenly holding a bundle of clothes to your chest and running towards the back gate of the palace.

From that day on, you had never seen your parents again. You had gained a new “family”- the crown prince-turned-king Jinheung and the man appointed to guard him, Paoh. You weren’t really sure why you had been brought along, but you had been raised to follow and not question, so you always kept your thoughts to yourself.

The king never talked much in the early years. He stayed quiet, only speaking when he was spoken to. It would have been extremely awkward and uncomfortable if it weren’t for Paoh, a man who had become an uncle to you in every sense but in blood. He had basically raised you both, albeit with different standards, with the same amount of compassion and you were grateful to have someone like him in your life.

As you got older, you realized just why it was you were brought along for the ride. Although you weren’t treated like a palace servant, there were still certain expectations that you had to meet. It was your job to have food ready at the appropriate times and make sure the laundry was always washed in a timely fashion. Even though the list of tasks to be completed each day was a long one, you took it all in stride for the people you were with made the work more than bearable.

The second time your life took a spin was when King Jinheung decided he was going back to the capital. You had been having doubts over the past few months, but the reaction you had to hearing the words “I’m going- whether you join me or not is up to you,” confirmed the feeling in your heart that you had grown accustomed to. Most simply put, you were in love.

Being that the man you were in love with was the king of the nation, you decided to keep your feelings to yourself. You made sure to never act on them, scared that he’d either distance himself because of how you were acting, or that Paoh would have no choice but to send you away. Day in and day out, you continued on with your duties as you always had, afraid of how the erratic beating in your heart would affect you. If it meant that you got to stay with the two men you had spent more than half of your life with, you would suppress acting on those feelings.

Although you made sure not to act on your new found revelation, there were times when you just couldn’t keep it one hundred percent hidden. Upon entering the capital, you were scared that someone was there waiting at the gates to slaughter to king. When he refused to live in the palace, you just about had a heartattack when the hired assassin came rushing in through the door. And when he decided that he was going to join the Queen’s Hwarang…

Momentarily forgetting all the hierarchical rules in the society, you completely disregarded the king and his idea, turning instead to Paoh to demand him to do something about the situation. There was no way you were going to let him into that snake pit! Sure it would being left behind by the one that you loved, but how much more would it hurt to know you willingly allowed him to walk towards his death? You may have gone along with all his other activities in the past, but this was where you were going to draw the line for yourself.

As thankful as you were that Paoh had echoed your sentiments towards the dangerous idea, the two of you were not enough to convince the king of otherwise. He had his mind set on joining the Hwarang, and with a sinking feeling in your stomach, you knew that there was nothing that could be done to stop him.

The shock of the revelation dying down, you excused yourself with the excuse of making dinner. You were never the type to easily cry, but you were just so frustrated and scared that you felt even one more second in the king’s presence would send you uncontrollably bawling. Willing the tears away, you lifted up your long skirt and hurried off towards the kitchens.

Not knowing what to do, you stubbornly held onto the hope he wouldn’t be chosen, but you also had enough sense to know that he was going to be a Hwarang even if you despised it. Unable to help yourself, you started crying, the poorly chopped vegetables a reflection of your despair.

“I knew you weren’t that smart, but I didn’t know you were an idiot.”

Hearing the king’s voice come out of nowhere startled you, causing your hand to slip and resulting in a shallow cut. It was a relief that you hadn’t been hacking at the innocent vegetables, for if you had, you were sure to have chopped off a finger.

“You really aren’t smart.”

“Shut up, this was all your fault anyway.”

Although you realized that sure words could theoretically get your head sliced off, at the present moment you didn’t care. You were still upset about him joining Hwarang, and the fact that you were bleeding did nothing to soothe your mood.

Surprisingly, King Jinheung stepped forward with a slight chuckle, taking your hand in his and easing over the sink. In stunned silence, you allowed him to attend to the small wound. The more rational side of you screamed to pull away and apologize for inconveniencing the king, but the more romantic side momentarily pushed it aside to take over and swooned at the fact that he had his full attention on solely you.

“Why are you like this… Is it because of my decision to join the snake pit that is my mother’s Hwarang?”

Hiding the small mirth at the fact he also thought of Hwarang as a snake pit, you nodded bitterly at the fact he was teasing you for feeling fear. Side-eyeing the king, you pull your hand away slowly, bowing down and muttering that you were sorry for bothering him and that you were going to continue to make dinner.

“Ah, so now you’re running away from your feelings, are you?”

Instantaneously, you were frozen in your spot. He knew? Since when? You were always careful to hide it though? How’d he find out? Mentally berating yourself for your carelessness, you slowly turned back around in his direction, head bowed down to hide the embarrassed blush hot on your cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Your Majesty. I have failed as your servant for holding onto these feelings for so long instead of dispelling them as soon as they arose…”

Although it felt like a weight had been lifted off your chest from the confession, you couldn’t help but be nervous about just how he would react. He must have sensed it a while ago, just now deciding to address the matter. Daring to look up, you noticed the confused expression on his face, and you realized that you messed up.

“What kind of feelings are you talking about? Don’t lie.”

Cursing yourself for slipping up, you reluctantly confessed the truth. Softly you started to explain, and he listened on, intently staring at you with the same leveled look, his unchanging expression worrying you. At the end of your explanation, he seemed puzzled, an emotion that wasn’t what you expecting.

“You…’fell in love with the king’?”

Hearing your own words coming out of the king’s mouth only caused the tips of your ears to redden in shame. It wasn’t that you regretted what you felt, but more like you felt like you had failed him for feeling in such a way. Not trusting yourself to speak just yet, you kept quiet.

“How could you fall in love with the faceless coward that is the king?!”

Shocked at his choice of words, you found yourself in tears once more. How could he possibly think such a thing? Knowing the king as you did, you slowly realized that he must have been harboring these sentiments in secret, internally beating himself up for something that wasn’t even his fault.

Slowly you reached out to him, wrapping your arms around his waist and laying your forehead against his chest. You knew that this sort of gesture was highly inappropriate given the difference in rank that you two held, but at the moment you paid it absolutely no heed. All you wanted to do was comfort him, and you had chosen to do so with a hug.

Scared to break the moment, you started to whisper your fears about being left behind, as well as everything he meant to you. It was comfortable until you had told him that you were scared he was going to get himself hurt, which caused him to be irritated with you. Hurt at the response, you pulled back and started to walk away, but you hadn’t even taken two steps before you felt his arms surrounding you. He had apologized even though you were in the wrong for bringing it up, and silently the two of you continued to just stand in each other’s comfort. You closed your eyes, willing the moment to never end, but alas, it was not what reality had in store for you. The sound of Paoh’s footsteps met your ears, and the spell was broken.

As much as you wanted to say that the moment had changed the relationship between the two of you, it really hadn’t. Everything was exactly the same to the point where you were almost convinced that it had never even happened in the first place. Seeing as he basically dropped the whole matter, you did so as well.

Seeing the hues of yellow painting their way throughout the sky, you decided that it was about time for you to go home. Today was the first day of King Jinheung’s life as a Hwarang, and as much as you worried for him, you found comfort in the small symbol on your wrist. Right before leaving, he had asked you to fetch the special ink from the west, and to your surprise, he had taken a paintbrush and marked you.

“Whenever you feel down just take a look at this symbol and know that it is my promise to you that I shall return safe and sound.”

January 18, 2017