Jongin whirled around, pushing past Yifan. Taemin was lying still, eyes shut, the nurses surrounding him looking deeply concerned. Yifan rushed forward. 

"Did he faint?" He asked one of the nurses, who nodded. 

"What was all of that about?" Yifan turned to Jongin now. 

"I don't know," Jongin took a shaky breath. "All of a sudden he just freaked out." 

"What were you talking about?" 

Jongin paused. 

"I... I asked him what happened to him, and then after that, I brought up someone I guess I probably shouldn't have." 

"Oh?" Yifan raised an eyebrow in interest. "Who is this person?" 

Jongin didn't answer, fiddling with his hands. He didn't know if he even should answer. 

"Jongin," Yifan's voice was soft. "I need to know so I can make a note to not accidentally mention them." 

"I don't think you'd ever mention them, it's nobody you know." 

"Doesn't matter. It's really important, he can't be under too much stress while he's trying to recover. If I can, I need to make sure that there's absolutely no way we'll accidentally set him off."

Jongin sighed. Yifan had a point. He didn't know why he was so reluctant to share, anyway. 

"An ex of his. Choi Minho. I said something about him and then..." He gestured to the sleeping boy. 

Yifan nodded, before turning to one of the nurses tending Taemin.  

"How's his condition?" 

"He seems fine," the nurse said without looking up. "I think maybe he fainted from stress." 

"Or his head injury. But you could be right." Yifan mused. 

Jongin stood awkwardly in front of the doorway, watching the doctor and nurses exchange words. He felt helpless, just watching the way he was, and he hated it. He didn't know where Junmyeon was, but he needed to tell him that he was going back to work. He didn't want to sit idly by anymore. Of course, he wouldn't get to constantly be at Taemin's side if he were working, but he'd probably be able to do more for him if he was actually working. 

Just then, Taemin stirred, jarring Yifan and the nurses out of their conversation. The nurses hurried over to his side, speaking softly, while Yifan walked over to Jongin, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

"Come on, it's time for you to go." 

Jongin didn't argue, as much as it pained him, he knew that Yifan was probably right. And so with a quiet sigh of defeat, he left the room, the sound of the door shutting softly behind him echoing in the empty hospital hall.

*****

There was something that Jongin was trying to forget, and no matter how hard he tried, it stayed stuck in the back of his mind, and now, with nothing better to do, Jongin was letting himself relive it. 

(A few weeks earlier)

Taemin had come back inside from his call a short while ago, and had joined Jongin on the bed. They hadn't said a word since he came back, and Jongin was on the verge of falling asleep.

"Jongin?"

"Yeah?" Jongin rolled over to face his boyfriend. Taemin was biting his lip, looking uncertain. After a moment, he shook his head, looking down at Jongin.

"I love you." 

"What?" 

The sure expression in Taemin's eyes didn't falter as he repeated his words. 

"I love you." 

"Taemin..." 

"I-I don't expect you to be able to say it back. I just wanted you to know." Taemin looked away. 

"I'm sorry. I... I don't think I can say it yet. B-but, you know that I feel the same way, right? I just can't say it yet." Jongin sat up, putting a hand on Taemin's knee. The boy nodded. 

"I'm glad we both know, then. Now go to sleep, you have work tomorrow." He smiled, giving Jongin a gentle shove. 

"Will you be here when I wake up?" Jongin asked. Taemin hesitated. 

"Probably not. I think I'm going to go back once you fall asleep. But I'll make sure to text you in the morning, okay?" 

Jongin smiled and nodded, not wanting to show his disappointment. Soon after, he fell asleep, and like he'd been told, Taemin wasn't there when he awoke.

*****

He felt so guilty. Why couldn't he just say it back? He knew how he felt, and that he wouldn't just be throwing such heavy words around carelessly, so why? He did love Taemin, so what was holding him back from saying so? The guilt was nearly eating him alive. 

Because deep down, he knew the problem. 

But he'd never admit that.

The problem was the same one that had been plaguing him throughout their entire relationship. He was still in love with Kyungsoo. He still couldn't bring himself to just move on. He felt guilty about not being able to tell Taemin that he loved him, but he felt more guilty about having fallen in love with him in the first place. How could he love two people at once? It wasn't fair to either of them, it wasn't right, and that was what kept him from expressing his feelings for Taemin. He couldn't do it, and he'd never be able to. 

*****

He'd returned to work two days ago, having told Junmyeon that he couldn't sit around doing nothing anymore. However, he hadn't seen Taemin, as for the moment, he'd been told by Yifan to stay away from his boyfriend, and he had no choice but to comply with the order. The whole situation made Jongin extremely nervous, despite Jinki updating him on Taemin's condition for the past couple days. He knew he wouldn't be satisfied until he could see for himself how the boy was doing, but he had no idea when that would actually happen. 

And so, he went about his schedule as normally as he could, although he didn't return home between shifts, too nervous to leave the hospital in case something happened. He always thought longingly of his apartment and the warm bed that awaited him, but he settled for the occasional nap in a closet or the corner of a hallway. He was taking one of these naps when he was shaken awake by a nurse he recognized as Seohyun, one of the nurses assigned to Taemin. 

"I'm sorry to wake you," she said, voice rushed. "Yifan told me to hurry. Taemin's been asking for you." 

Jongin was already on his feet. 

"That's fine. Let's go." 

She nodded, and Jongin followed her down the twisting hallways, slowing a bit when he knew they were approaching Taemin's room. He was finally going to see him. But what if he freaked out again? Jongin didn't know how he'd take it if Taemin went off on him a second time. Seohyun seemed to notice Jongin's sudden hesitation, turning to give him a reassuring smile. 

"Don't worry, he really wants to see you. He's been asking since he woke up after he fainted, Yifan just wanted to be sure he'd be okay. I don't know what happened a couple days ago;  he's the only one who really does, but he feels bad about it, I can say that for sure." 

Jongin nodded. 

"Thanks, Seohyun." 

She didn't even know how much she'd just helped him out. He took a deep breath, walking past Seohyun and into his boyfriend's room. 

*****

"I'm so glad you're here," Taemin said for about the umpteenth time since Jongin had come in. 

"I missed you too, Tae." Jongin said, smiling gently. "You're sure you're doing okay, though?"

Taemin nodded.

"As well as I possibly can, considering my current... condition. Quite honestly, though, this back brace is uncomfortable and I'm really wishing I could sit up right now." He laughed lightly, the slightest hint of bitterness in his tone. Jongin took a moment to respond, reaching out and tucking a stray lock of hair behind Taemin's ear.

"It'll be better soon, at least. Your first operation is in a few days, right?" 

Taemin sighed. 

"Don't remind me. It's two days after I get my chest tubes taken out, which happens tomorrow, so yeah." 

"I'm sorry," Jongin paused. "Are you nervous?"

"No. Yes. I don't know, I don't want to say I am."

Jongin nodded. 

"Don't worry. You'll be fine." 

"Easier said than done." Taemin grimaced.

"You're probably right." Jongin glanced at the clock. ", I'm late for my shift." 

He got up to go, beginning to walk to the end of the bed, but Taemin caught his wrist, his grasp weak and loose, but more than enough to make Jongin stop, for fear of somehow hurting the boy. 

"You're leaving already?"

"I have to, I'm late as it is..." The sadness in his boyfriend's expression was breaking Jongin's heart. 

"Go then, I guess. Work hard." Taemin let go of Jongin, a dejected look on his face. 

"Don't worry, I'll be back soon. After all, I am assigned to your medical team, so that means I have to come in here and check on you at least once during my shift, and then of course when it ends I'll be coming straight back here." 

Taemin perked up a little bit after hearing that, less upset by Jongin's leaving now that he knew he'd be back soon. 

Just as Jongin was about to walk out the door, Taemin spoke up again. 

"Jongin?"

He turned to face the boy. 

"I... nevermind. Go work, I won't keep you any longer." 

"See you soon." Jongin left the room, walking briskly through the white hallway. 

There was a terrible taste in his mouth. He knew what Taemin had almost said. He felt so guilty. 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A/N

This took less time to put out, I'm pretty sure, so that's good. I really apologize for the slow chapters, I wish I could go back to my old weekly schedule, but I just don't have the time :(((

Anyways, I hope you like it! Thanks so much to all my readers, subscribers, commentors, etc. You guys are really the best :D <3

Thanks for reading!

-H