Wrote this while listening to Stray Kids - On Track (바보라도 알아)

The first time Tzuyu visited Japan, she made a mental note to treat it as her last. Just to make sure she can force herself to fully enjoy the time on that foreign country. Surprisingly, it didn’t take much for Tzuyu to indulge herself in the short 3 days trip. She actually likes, scratch that, loves Japan. Well, more particularly a state called Osaka. She even considered buying a house there when she has enough money, in case she’s going to have frequent trip to the beautiful place for some time off or just to be by herself.

Who is she kidding, really.

Of course the real reason was because of a certain native living there. A certain cheery, loud, noisy, beautiful, gorgeous, out of this world woman by the name of Minatozaki Sana. Yes, she can list out all the adjectives to describe Sana, but sadly there’s none that can fully illustrate how breathtaking and surreal the person is in real life. Because Sana is loved by every person, maybe every creature alive too, but mostly, she is loved by Chou Tzuyu. The ranking of her love for Gucci was frighteningly on par with the squirrel-like girl, but she had already come to terms that nothing can beat her love for Sana.

So when Sana suddenly invites her to her hometown during one of their long overdue vacation, Tzuyu agrees without a beat. She’s a couch potato, preferring to rest and hibernate for the whole day with reason of needing to recharge after days of struggling with classes, archery trainings and part time jobs. It wasn’t easy being a foreign student depending solely on scholarship for her daily necessities. It was really hard for her, she almost made a rash decision to drop off on her second year. But the positive smile on her sunbae who’s struggling as much, perhaps worse than her, became the motivation Tzuyu never knew she needed to keep going. Leave it to Sana to be Tzuyu’s living inspiration, effortlessly making herself to be one of the reasons for the latter to treasure the shiba inu presence in her life.

Unfortunately, Tzuyu forgot she’s tight on money because really, Sana’s laughter was the only thing running in her mind during those harsh days of presentations and assignments, along with impromptu quizzes. The flight to Japan from Korea might be of short distance, but it isn’t so with the flight’s fare. She checked her bank account with a deep frown, before rummaging her cupboard for the piggy bank. It took her countless of deep breaths and self-hypnotis to break open the emergency savings of her 4 years degree, but here she is doing the irrational deed for the sake of the trip. Hopefully she can bribe Chaeyoung with a month-worth free meal in exchange for Mina-unnie’s hidden cam of her singing as a dare.

Sana was really attentive to her from the minute they left the dorm, on the airport, even during the 2 hours flight. By attentive, in Tzuyu’s perspective, is being clingy and touchy. They would hold hands, or if Tzuyu made no effort to offer her hand, Sana will simply cling their arms together instead. Not that Tzuyu is uncomfortable with the gesture, she’s just afraid that the older girl will hear the loud thumping of her heart by the close proximity. Yeah, her pulse was going on a full frenzy mode, it was a surprise Sana didn’t feel it through their hand-holding.

Tzuyu was nervous before, now she was drenched in cold sweat when Sana announced they’re staying at her parents’ house for the whole trip. Now, what was Tzuyu gonna say except, “Konnichiwa, arigatou, sayonara.”, because believe it or not, for the whole 23 years of living she had never been exposed to anything Japanese, except Sana. The bright, colorful, glittering Japanese with glimmering caramel eyes with a life of its own. Okay, enough of these flattering words because Tzuyu’s love life is not going anywhere. had a mind of itself it seems as it clamps shut when Sana’s mother greeted her with a tight hug and a kiss on her cheek. Tzuyu was startled, a little bit puzzled with the unexpected action followed with their fast conversations. Not that she understood a word but it took Tzuyu another minute for her to register that the gentle smile on the older woman’s face was actually welcoming her into the family, unofficially.

It was official a few months after her seventh visit, when Sana’s secret crush to her was accidentally exposed by her mother. Tzuyu had taught herself the language through online illegal classes and borrowed books from the library, anything that does not involve a transaction or depositing of money. Their conversations were mostly in English at first, but Tzuyu tried her best to talk with Sana’s mother in her own language sometimes. She wasn’t trying to impress, well maybe at some point she did, but she finds it fun to challenge herself with something new. That was when she heard the conversation of the mother and daughter in the kitchen by chance as she was going down the stairs for breakfast. Of how happy Sana has been since, of how kind and polite Tzuyu is, of how obvious they are wearing their feelings on the sleeves for everyone to see, of how she’s giving the blessing if perhaps they decide to take a step further in their relationship. It was still vivid in her mind how Sana was hunched on her seat, her fingers white from gripping the mug so tight, but most of all, how her cheeks painted red along with a suppressed smile painting her pretty bare face.

Tzuyu felt it that day, how hard she had fallen for her sunbae, how Sana had easily claimed a spot in her heart, how she had carelessly let someone invades her life just with a smile so bright, it blinded her eyes from the harsh reality of life. Because she found out later that false hope is no way better than the harsh truth. That she didn’t deserve Sana as much as Sana deserves her. That her feelings were merely an infatuation coming from a naïve, blunt, ignorant young girl who was a fool to herself. That her Sana-unnie doesn’t belong to her at all, all along.

She had successfully ended her 4^th year, having another year left to complete her degree. It has been 3 months since her sunbae graduated, and it was also the duration of their last contact with each other. Truthfully, it was longer than that but having the same circle of friends and sharing the same dorm building, it was inevitable for them to avoid each other. No, it was more of Tzuyu shunning herself from the group while her favourite unnie will constantly ask of her whereabouts. But she doesn’t need to worry at all because the older already has a replacement, someone who is far better in treating and appreciating Sana for everything she is.

It is another long holiday, and she had wondered for the nth time how the hell did she ends up in Osaka right now when all she ever wanted was to run away from everything Japanese.

“Are you sure we can easily get a cab here?”

Oh, yeah. Because she’s a good friend, that’s why.

“There’s no need.”

“Mwoh? Then, how are we supposed to go there?”

Tzuyu took out a key and press a button, the sound of a car being unlock fills the underground parking of the hotel they’re staying. She leads them to a white sedan car, earning a disbelief gasp from her friend. Tzuyu almost rolled her eyes from her exaggeration, the reaction undeserving of the girl who owns a limited edition convertible back in Korea.

“Whoa! You own this?”

“I wish.” Tzuyu deadpanned. She can’t even afford the fee of a cab, let alone buying a car this extravagant in a foreign country.  “Someone lend me this car.”

“Seriously? Who’s this someone you borrowed from, huh? Seems a bit sketchy to me.”

Tzuyu chuckles lightly with a shrug, “Let’s just say they owed me one.”

The ride from the hotel was uneventful, more of Tzuyu being the good tourist guide to her friend’s endless curiosity and amazement of the beautiful place. Even Tzuyu is enjoying the view because despite the repeated trip of the same road, the view is still pleasing and stunning. She is on the verge of regretting her adamant decision she made before agreeing to help her friend to bring her to Japan but a glance on the passenger seat throws away all doubt slowly creeping from the deepest desire in her heart.

The sedan comes to a stop in front of a familiar house. Nothing much has changed, the building is still the same, only a purple compact car as a new addition to the front porch. She didn’t get to wonder who the owner is, even if it is obvious anyway, when she feels a slight shudder coming from the passenger.

“Nervous?”

“Nope.” Her quivering lips failed her though, “Just a bit jumpy.”

Tzuyu placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Relax, you’re gonna be fine.”

Her friend bops her head, slightly shaking as she glanced on the gated residential house. “Any tips for me?”

Tzuyu ponders for a second, before giving her an encouraging smile. “You just need to be yourself. That’s all.”

“That’s not really helpful, mind you.”

Tzuyu merely laughs, waiting patiently as her friend takes a few deep breaths to calm her nerves before grabbing the two paper bags on the backseat. She peeks inside to check the content, one for the parents while the other is… Tzuyu doesn’t have the heart to even say it in her mind. Her friend nods satisfyingly before raising her head to meet Tzuyu’s calm gaze.

“Sure you’re not coming in to say hi?”

“And spoil the surprise? No way!” Tzuyu scoffed good-naturedly, mirth ghosting her lips. “Call me when you’re finished. I’ll pick you up at the café we passed by earlier.”

“Yeah, alright.” Her friend gets out of the car, slamming the door shut as she take one last look on her reflection on the door glass to check herself. Tzuyu giggles to herself, winding down the tinted window with a thumb up.

“Good luck, Dahyun.”

“Thanks, dude.”

She made a hwaiting stance, slowly swerving the car back to the road. She reaches for her vibrating phone, opening the notification from the familiar sender. Her lips turn upwards from the message she received, the older woman announcing her friend’s arrival and her daughter’s obvious shock when she opened the door. Tzuyu left the message on read, not missing the bubble popping up telling her to stay for dinner at least when she returns the car. She never had intention to interact with the family, even more to step a foot inside their lovely house called home. Tzuyu almost made it as hers too, sadly it didn’t work out as she hoped for.

That time when Tzuyu calls the older woman for a favor, the latter was obviously taken aback. It’s rare for someone to help her friend to meet with the family to ask for her hand in… dating? Is that what it’s called? Tzuyu doesn’t know, nor did she intend to find out. Having to explain the plan was hurting enough for her, let alone contacting the people she once considered as a family. She feels guilty for ruining everything, for disappointing the older woman when all she wanted was to see both of them happy, together. But Sana can be happy, just not with her. She can’t provide Sana all the happiness and wealth she deserves, not her, and hopefully, Sana’s mother will understand her pitiful reasons. Such a coward, she mused to herself.

Instead of driving to the café, Tzuyu made a stop on the playground nearby. She steps out, inhaling the crisp evening air of fall. Soon, it’s going to be winter, her favorite month. Also, Sana’s month. She walks to a lone bench situated under a large, old tree. Her mind reminiscing back on the many times she plans for a surprise birthday party for Sana, be it in their dorm or here in her house, with Sana’s mother as an accomplice. The older woman had always been the partner in crime, still is till this day. If possible, she wants to be Tzuyu’s collaborator even in the future. But that would be too much and unfair to them, to Sana, to her.

She twists her body towards the tree, her fingers tracing the faded familiar carvings of her name. It was Sana’s idea, one she deeply opposed, only to falter by the mere pout of the girl.

“I’m not doing it!”

“Oh, come on! It’s just us here and I bet no one’s going to care much with it.”

“It’s considered vandalism, Sana.” Tzuyu claimed with her straight face.

“It is, if it’s a property. This tree is not owned by anyone.” She reasoned proudly with puffed chest.

“But…”

Sana sighed with a frown, “I just want to have this as a memory with you. Who knows, this might be the last time you’re visiting-”

“No.” She cuts her off, “I already made a promise with aunty to come again for Christmas.”

Sana rolled her eyes, “It’s like you’re friends with my mother instead of me.”

“She knows the way to my heart.” Tzuyu responded with a smug smile, “Unlike you.”

“Yah! What’s that supposed to mean? I brought you to the famous aquarium yesterday!”

“Aunty made bread and pastries for me.” The younger shrugs stating the obvious, earning a deep pout from her sunbae.

“Fine, I’m not talking to you.”

“Eh? Why?” Tzuyu whined, or more like laughing while trying to annoy the older girl who deepens her pout while crossing her arms with a loud “Humph!”

The taller girl scratched her head, confused with the sulking girl. She scanned the ground, finding a small pebble with sharp edges a few feet from her. Sana watched curiously as the younger runs to a spot, crouched, and picked up something. The girl gave her a grin while showing the stone in her hand, not minding the look Sana gave her, swoon by the childish action of the younger. Tzuyu approached the tree and start scratching the bark with the pebble. Sana peeks from behind, her eyes slightly widen in glee as letters start forming from Tzuyu’s carving.

She steps aside, satisfied with her amateur carving. The letters were hard to read in first glance, but readable after a few times with some head tilting in different angle. She showed her work to Sana proudly with a grin, the latter mirroring the same. However, Sana suddenly snatched the pebble from Tzuyu’s hand and stoop down to face the spot Tzuyu carved earlier.

“There! That’s better, right?”

Her already visible dimple turned more profound as her smiles widen from the sight. Instead of better, it looked almost perfect for her, how the two names complement well with each other.

“Absolutely.”

The letters are still there, but with more improvisation being done with each additional visit she did. A faint HOW MANY TIMES can be seen over Sana’s name with a question mark at the end which they added during her second visit, Tzuyu recalls perfectly. On her third visit, Sana had suggested to add tally marks instead since she has been a frequent visitor of the playground. There are 2 sets; one had been crossed out diagonally while the other only has 4 lines.

“9 times, huh?”

A giggle escaped her lips, Tzuyu herself is not sure what’s so funny about the heartbroken memories.

She takes out a pen knife from the pocket of her jacket, adding a diagonal line on the set of four to indicate her visit for today. She observes the carvings again, wanting to add something else to make her work complete.

She brushes her palms together, taking a deep breath to calm her heart. She traces the wording one last time with closed eyes, as if engraving them in her mind instead. She snaps her eyes open, a subtle smile plastered on her face as she thumbs Sana’s name. She turns on her heel, dragging her heavy feet to leave the place, along with her heavy heart.

The first time Tzuyu visited Japan, she made a mental note to treat it as her last. This time, instead, she made a mental note to make it as her last visit.

The last time, on the last place, for the last piece of her heart to fall.