Solar fiddled with hem of her sweater, exasperatedly giving up on ignoring the fraying thread.  It was her only article of clothing that wasn’t black, a soft white and blue oversized sweater.  She was wearing black jeans and her usual black wool coat, but she was hoping Moonbyul would be willing to overlook those other two pieces.  

 

Giving her outfit one last satisfied tug, she strode out the door with as much confidence as she could muster.  As she walked down several flights of stairs she glanced at her watch.  How surprising was it that a grim reaper was late to an appointment?

 

A date, Solar self-corrected with red cheeks, as she poked her head out the door of her apartment building.  She crossed her arms over her chest, exhaling warm breath into a swirl of misty fog because of the cold.  She should have brought a scarf.  Solar glanced behind her at the door, contemplating the idea of running up and getting it.

 

“What are you doing over there?”

 

Solar stiffened as she saw Moonbyul poking her head out of a sleek black car with a grin.  She got out of the car with a smile so wide that Solar couldn’t help but reciprocate.

 

“Get in the car, Solar-ssi.  It’s awfully cold out.”

 

“I’m getting there,” Solar replied, not moving at all as Moonbyul strode up to her, glancing up and down at her outfit.

 

“You look very pretty today. Any special occasion?”

 

“An annoying goblin asked me out on a date and I thought I should at least look nice for it.”

 

Moonbyul’s mouth twitched as she took a step closer, almost inappropriately close. Those brown eyes seemed incredibly soft as they met Solar’s gaze.

 

“W-what is it with you and personal space?” Solar spluttered out, still not moving despite her protest.  

 

“I guess I just can’t control myself when I’m around you.”

 

“Maybe you could control your greasy lines better.”

 

“You don’t like my compliments?”

 

Solar ducked her hand at the way Moonbyul asked the question with a voice slightly rough and breathless, daring her to deny the undeniable pull between them.  Instead of replying, she raised her hand and gripped the worn gray lapel of the other girl’s wool coat, looking at the fabric instead of those burning eyes.

 

“Shouldn’t we get going?”

 

“What if I just want to look at you a little longer?”

 

“And miss the reservation to an expensive dinner date?”

 

“I would miss anything in this world to just look at you.”

 

Solar swallowed at the uncomfortably heavy weight the comment had.  The protest of greasy fell on her tongue because there it was again. the goblin’s sad and lonely look of a being who had lived for 900 years.  

 

She linked her arm through Moonbyul’s ignoring the way her own cheeks warmed.

 

“Well you can look at me as long as you want while we’re eating.”

 

The light comment seemed to cheer up Moonbyul as the other girl chuckled, walking them to the plush car.  Before Solar could open her own door, Moonbyul was there like some chivalrous knight, opening the car and waiting until she had her seatbelt fastened before getting into the driver’s seat. 

 

Moonbyul turned to look at Solar with a happy grin.

 

“What?”

 

“Are you ready for the best date of your life?”

 

“Well this will probably be the best date I’ve ever had since it’s the only date I can remember.”

 

“Because you remember nothing from your past life.”

 

Solar nodded a little sadly.

 

“It’s probably better that way, honestly.  There’s a reason I’m being punished by heaven, right?”

 

Moonbyul made a strained sound as she began to pull out of her parking place.

 

“Do you… do you really think you deserve to live like this?  I can’t imagine you doing something so terribly that it damns you to centuries of servitude.”

 

“You don’t know me at all,” Solar retorted with a bit too much bite to her comment.  

 

Moonbyul had said nothing as her jaw clenched once.

 

“You’re right.  I suppose I don’t.”

 

———————————

 

“I thought I’d be getting at least a bottle of soju out of this date,” teased Solar as she held onto the other girl’s arm.  They were strolling through the park in the light of dusk, observing the other bundled up couples loitering around.

 

“I was worried if I asked you to drink with me you’d think I was trying to take advantage of you.”

 

“You don’t think my tolerance is good?”

 

“I know it isn’t good.  I had to carry you all the way back to your apartment that one time!”

 

Solar grinned and playfully pinched at Moonbyul’s side, causing the other girl to flail her arms in surprise.

 

“Hey be gentle with me! I’m practically a god after all!”

 

“Wouldn’t that mean you’re less fragile than other beings?”

 

“But I’m infinitely more special,” quipped Moonbyul with a cheeky grin.  

 

Solar rolled her eyes and pretended like she was about to let go but Moonbyul’s hand assuredly clasped her hand.  She stopped walking and the other girl turned.  Solar would remember that moment with the lamplight brightening the smile tugging at Moonbyul’s face and suddenly she saw a tree burst into bloom.

 

“You have to stop doing that,” Solar said shaking her head and sneakily pulling her hand away. Walking backwards with a broad grin she looked at the way a rare blush colored Moonbyul’s cheeks.

 

“I-it only happens when I’m really happy.”

 

“I make you happy?”

 

Moonbyul stood there, eyes almost distant as they watched Solar, scanning her body like the memory of Solar in that moment had to be imprinted in her mind forever.

 

“When I’m with you, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”

 

Moonbyul’s voice trembled a little and she dropped her head, jaw clenching and unclenching like she was trying to control her emotions.

 

“Why do I make you happy?” Solar asked quietly, taking a step toward the other girl.  “You don’t really know me.  It doesn’t make any sense.”

 

“But you feel it too.  Don’t you, Solar-ssi?”

 

“It?”

 

Suddenly Moonbyul reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling it to rest right above her heart.  Solar ducked her head in embarrassment at the romantic gesture but she could feel the other girl’s heart racing beneath the thick wool of the jacket.  

 

“Can you deny that there is something that you feel when you look at me?” Moonbyul asked quietly, the hold on Solar’s hand tightening imperceptibly.  

 

“I don’t know what it means.”

 

“Do you want to know?”

 

Solar looked up then and there was that sadness teasing at the edges of Moonbyul’s eyes.  That loneliness that clung to the other girl no matter how wide she smiled.

 

“Have you thought that maybe I deserve to not know? That maybe it’s heaven’s will that I do not know?”

 

“Aren’t you tired of heaven’s will?”

 

Solar’s throat constricted and she realized that her own eyes were wet.  Before she could wipe the tears away a warm thumb brushed them aside. 

 

“Why do you cry?”

 

“I don’t know.  But, Moonbyul-ssi, when I see you I do feel happy but a part of me aches.  And I don’t know if I can reconcile those two feelings.”

 

The other girl’s mouth twisted at the words and she pulled Solar into an embrace.  Solar let out a gasp as Moonbyul’s arm braced against her back and the hand that had been holding her cheek moved to cup the back of her head.

 

“Can you feel it?”  Moonbyul asked into her hair.  And Solar trembled.  

 

Because she felt an overwhelming wave of emotions that she couldn’t even begin to name.  The thought terrified her.  She had existed for so long content with no memory, living as a grim reaper who did decent work for centuries. But what on earth was this goblin doing disrupting everything?

 

“I…”  Solar pulled a little from Moonbyul’s hold and was captured by soft brown eyes.  

 

“Moonbyul-ssi, thank you for the date tonight.”

 

“But?”

 

“But I think I need some time to think before we see each other again.”

 

Moonbyul’s mouth twitched but she nodded, dropping her arms and respectfully taking a step back.  The phantom warmth of the other girl still clung to Solar’s shoulders and she knew that if she closed her eyes she could feel Moonbyul’s breath against her hair.

 

“Whatever, you need.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Solar smiled and Moonbyul returned it.

 

“But let me at least give you these since you requested them.”

 

With a snap of her fingers, the goblin was holding a bouquet of flowers wrapped in simple brown butcher paper and tied with a silk blue ribbon.  Solar’s eyes caught the flowers, lush white blossoms dappled with red.

 

“You kept your promise.”

 

“Occasionally.  I’m a practically a god and my mind seems to change constantly.”  

 

Solar nodded once as she accepted the flowers, ignoring the way their fingers brushed.  She couldn’t stop how warm her cheeks felt at the simple contact. 

 

“I hope I’ll see you soon, Solar-ssi.”  

 

Moonbyul gave her one last hungry look before Solar turned away and left the other girl under the lamp light.  She knew that if she turned around Moonbyul would still be watching her leave, eyes a little captivated and smile a little sad.

 

———————————

 

Solar walked back to her apartment holding the flowers close to her chest.  She took her time, letting the chilly air nip at her face and hands.  But she didn’t really care.  It was like she was in a daze, her mind full of Moonbyul.

 

Was this what love felt like?

 

“So annoying,” she growled with a sigh, shaking the flowers a little violently in her hands.  But then she saw the gleam of the pretty ribbon and couldn’t hide her smile.  

 

If she felt so overcome with… “love”… then why on earth had she walked away?  The answer to that of course was obvious.  She had been so overwhelmed with whatever she had been feeling that trying to come to terms with it right there with Moonbyul seemed too much.

 

And she had even cried.

 

As Solar arrived at her apartment, she rubbed at her eyes again in embarrassment.  

 

“Had a fun night?”

 

Solar nearly jumped out of her skin as she saw Wheein standing in front of her apartment building.

 

“Jeez, Wheein-ah, what are you doing here?”

 

The other girl seemed subdued as she shrugged, glancing up and down at Solar’s outfit.

 

“Not wearing all black today. Special occasion go well?”

 

“Yes, thank you for covering my shift for me today.”

 

Wheein gave another shrug and Solar swallowed nervously.  The street was deathly quiet and she realized that all the cars were frozen, suspended in time.

 

“Wheein-ah, is there something you wanted to talk to me about?”

 

“Unnie, do you know what the greatest punishment is for a grim reaper?”

 

Solar stilled at the way Wheein watched her eyes completely devoid of her usually cheerful warmth.  

 

“Wheein-ah, what’s wrong?”

 

“There’s a reason we are this way, you know.  Even though we’re being punished for eternity, the heavens gave us one mercy.  We would not have to remember what horrible thing we did to earn this fate.”  

 

“And what does this have to do with anything?”

 

“But you know,” Wheein continued, pointedly ignoring the question, “Heaven can be cruel.  And the gods even crueler.  Sometimes they make grim reapers remember out of punishment or for some cosmic scheme far beyond our control.”

 

Solar felt very cold as Wheein took a step toward her, grabbing at her wrist firmly and causing her to drop the flowers to the ground.

 

“I have been given an order, Unnie, so please forgive me.”

 

She felt tears prickle the corner out of her eyes out of dread but she was too afraid to pull away.  

 

“The holy tea of memory can give back memories of past lives to souls but also… a grim reaper’s kiss can help too.  Hopefully Moonbyul-unnie will forgive me for borrowing your lips for this one time.”

 

And before Solar could even register what was happening, Wheein pulled her into a swift kiss.  The instant their lips touched, her vision blurred and it was like a super nova burst.  She fell to her knees with Wheein standing above her, watching with an unreadable expression as Solar clutched her head and let out a pained cry as everything came b a c k.

 

———————————

 

rewind

 

Yongsun was everything that her mother didn’t want.  At first.

 

She was a girl and that had ruined everything.  Desperate to secure the throne for herself and justify her almost embarrassing power grab for the queen’s title, Concubine Kim had tried to have a son.

 

“It would have been so easy,” Yongsun’s mother had hissed as she flipped irritably through a book in her beautiful room, the soft light of the sun filtering through an opened window.  Yongsun remembered looking up from the hard book filled with almost indistinguishable hanja with a curious frown.

 

“If you had been a boy it would have been too easy to get that throne from your half brother and his half-witted mother.”  Yongsun’s mother would sigh then, tipping her head back and pursing her lips.  And then before Yongsun could quite feel the smart of pain at being rejected by her mother, the woman would level her with a wicked grin.

 

“But we can show them, can’t we Yongsun-ah? A woman is not something to be trifled with?”

 

In that moment, Yongsun would have given up everything to make her mother always smile at her like that.  As if they were the only two people in the world, sharing a secret so special and unique to just them.

 

So she had kept her mother’s trainings to heart.  How to be smart and captivating to the palace court.  How to make a man watch her without even acknowledging his presence.  How to make a man do everything she wanted. 

 

Since she was a little girl her mother had planted two wishes in her heart.  To become someone Yongsun’s mother could be proud of.  And to become the queen.

 

“I will give you what I could not have,” her mother would whisper into the nape of her neck as she held her during the night.  Yongsun remembered how the words had burned as if they were physically being carved into her skin.  

 

“You will make the crown prince fall in love with you.  Even though you share the same father we can always have you adopt my mother’s clan name to avoid confusion in the registry.  Just as your grandmother had done.”

 

Yongsun would be awake long after her mother had fallen asleep, eyes trained on the open window full of a night sky rich in stars.

 

I will become queen, she would mouth until her lips were sore the next morning. 

 

But that would have been too easy to have the title handed to her.

 

Yongsun’s first mistake was that she became too comfortable in making her mother’s wish equate to a feasible reality.  It was hard, when the crown prince would invite her to his room and they would talk for hours under the guise of sibling bonding to not fall for him a little.  When his eyes would light up as he showed her his books that he was learning from with bright eyes full of hope for advancing religion and civilian infrastructure.  

 

I will help you become a good king, she would think to herself as she fantasized about her wedding as she walked through the palace.  She would imagine herself and the crown prince standing at the top of the steps leading to the main palace, adorned in the traditional ornamentation for the crown prince and princess.  Her body would ache with want for the chance to be crown princess.  To be happy.

 

Even at the age of twelve.  

 

But then when she was fourteen and she was called to the king’s chambers she had gotten her first rude awakening.  Standing in front of the elevated grand throne with her head bowed, she waited as her father seemed to study her from above.

 

“You must know of your mother’s attempt to poison the queen.”

 

Yongsun bit the inside of her cheek as she feigned shock, eyes wide and mouth pulled down in what she practiced and knew to be a look of horror.  Instantly she started her weak act that would normally make men pity women.  She dropped to her knees and began to whimper and cry.

 

“Oh Your Highness, whatever do you mean? My mother… to commit such a heinous crime is unspeakable!”

 

She whimpered again, wiping at her eyes piteously.  Yongsun heard the king draw a sharp breath but still remain seated. 

 

“Regardless of your prior knowledge, you must know that the tentative plan for your marriage with the crown prince is impossible now.  I cannot have my future grandchild come from the blood of a woman whose mother is a snake.”

 

“Oh Your Highness, please spare my mother’s life!” This time Yongsun’s tears were real as she let out a muffled sob.  The thought of living in a world without her mother guiding her and planting hopes deep within her chest horrified her.

 

“You plead for the life of a woman who attempted high treason.”

 

“Is there evidence of her crime, Your Highness?”

 

“No, but the eunuch and court ladies who claim they acted alone all strangely received large sums of money that couldn’t have been procured quickly from any civilian.  Who else within this palace would have a motive to murder the queen but your mother?”

 

Yongsun swallowed, gathering her courage as she lifted her head and looked directly at the king from her spot on the ground.  She saw, strangely, herself in his eyes.  She was his daughter and she could use this against him.

 

“Father,” she said, the words tasting unfamiliar in but not lacking fond sincerity. “Father, without definite evidence how could you know my mother is the culprit of such a horrible crime?”

 

The king brushed his beard with the side of his hand, making a thoughtful sound as his eyes narrowed at her.

 

“I fell in love with your mother because I admired her wit and ambition.  I should have known that this would be the eventual result of those feelings.  What I didn’t know is she would produce a daughter of the same fold.  How frightening.”

 

Yongsun felt something strange stir within her as she heard her own father’s fear in his level-headed remarks.  She scared him.

 

“I will spare your mother’s life.  But I cannot have you marry my son.”

 

She could not hide the bitterness under her usual facade of bright-eyed cheer and kind smiles.

 

“Will I lose all marriage prospects, Your Highness? Will you take from me any opportunity to live as a married woman?”

 

“So that you can have some sort of power? You will never be satisfied will you?”

 

Yongsun clenched her jaw and dropped her head.  This time the tears easily fell. 

 

“Give me time to think about this.  Although you are Concubine Kim’s daughter, you are also my daughter.  I can be merciful.”

 

And with those words she was dismissed.  All of her dreams that had been whispered in her ear since she was a child had been ruined with one king’s breath.

 

That night Yongsun sat outside her quarters, on the porch, and choked out angry hot sobs that left her face blotchy and red for a whole day afterward.

 

After that, all the crown prince could spare her were longing glances.  Her mother was despondent, laying in bed, completely humiliated and infuriated by her failure.  Yongsun alone had to stand at the crown prince’s wedding, watching with eyes full of jealousy as that rich girl who was the daughter of a favored scholar walked up the steps in crown princess regalia.  The girl was all demure smiles and practiced measured steps that Yongsun had been doing since she could walk.

 

It was hard to pretend to be a pretty princess during those times.

 

For nearly two years she waited, nursing the wounds of herself and her mother.  Her mother recovered from the humiliation of failure and it wasn’t too long before the king was slipping back into her mother’s quarters. 

 

With closed eyes she could hear the maids whispering about her father’s lust for a fox who would gladly tear out his throat if he shut his eyes.  Purposefully spilling scalding tea on their hands in an “accident” had been too easy.

 

And then one day she was given her marriage agreement like a death sentence.  Rolled up in a scroll and sent by courier with the king’s seal.  Yongsun, the girl who was supposed to be the next queen, was to be married off to some nobody soldier boy. Son of an unsuccessful military man.

 

For once, her mother had let her cry in front of her, shamelessly sobbing into the wide sleeves of her silk robe.

 

She had been all polite smiles and kind words in front of her betrothed’s parents when they had visited her at the palace.  Yongsun must have seemed to be an angel with her easy smile and well-mannered words.  The perfect bride for their son.

 

Riding in the palanquin to meet her betrothed, Moon Byulyi, she had decided to hate him on principle.  She would keep this hatred and anger deep within her chest, but it would be there, simmering at the surface.  Yongsun knew it was a scape goat but she couldn’t live with herself and her mother otherwise.  

 

But then, her palanquin door had opened and she stepped out onto a dirt path lined with large trees with light pink blossoms.  It had taken her by surprise as she marveled at the way the flowers caught the soft sunlight of spring.  Some bitter part of her was a little captivated and as she dragged her eyes away from the sight, she saw her betrothed.  

 

Moon Byulyi was stoic, face completely flat with a burgundy headband covering his forehead and dark hair tied back.  For a second she let herself be surprised by the curiosity she felt as he seemed to look at her.  It wasn’t the usual lust that she was accustomed to.  It was the same look she had known she had been giving the soft looking blossoms just then.  It was a look of complete captivation. 

 

Even the crown prince had not looked at her like that.

 

The thought stirred something strange and curious within her that she could not quite name.  

 

She should have known then that Moon Byulyi would be her complete downfall. 

 

———————————

 

forward

 

They were to be married the following year.  It was strange for Yongsun to want something and not be able to have it.  Not that she desperately wanted to marry Byulyi.  But there was some part of her that wanted to see those captivated eyes on her.  She was the frightening daughter of the horrible Concubine Kim and yet she wanted to feel how the songs and old folk tales described love.  With longing and captivated touches.  

 

Yongsun hated how weak Moon Byulyi made her feel.  But she couldn’t stay away.

 

“Captain Moon,” she had whispered when her maid gave them a moment of alone time with a giggle behind her palm.  

 

Captain Moon gazed at her levelly, still clutching the red ribbon she had handed him.  There it was again, that look of captivated interest.  Is this what it feels like, to bewitch a man? Yongsun wondered.  But she knew that she had not bewitched Byulyi in the way that snickering court ladies accused her mother of.  This soldier looked at her like he hadn’t ever known what it was like to love someone.  Like he had never understood what it was like to want something before.  

 

Yongsun wanted to be spiteful.  How privileged must someone be to not have ever wanted for anything! All that Yongsun lived for was wanting things that she could not have, whispering her dream of queenship still under her breath before she went to bed at night. 

 

But then Captain Moon simply reached out and grasped her hand with tentative fingers.  And her breath caught in as impossibly soft brown eyes met her gaze. 

 

“I will keep your token with me, always,” Captain Moon murmured with a smile, squeezing her hand gently. 

 

Any practiced words were completely forgotten as she was left completely at lost for words.  There was no doubt in her mind that Moon Byuyi did not want her for anything but for the pure sake of wanting.  When he left with a smile and bow, Yongsun had still stood there, pressing her fingers against her lips with a warm blush covering her cheeks.  

 

She wasn’t sure how she could handle this feeling of being wanted without strings attached.  How could there be no motivation? No desire? Just… interest?

 

Yongsun had sat on her porch that night and stared at the stars so deeply that she fell asleep outside.  

 

———————————

 

forward

 

Yongsun found out Byulyi wasn’t a man in a private meeting with the girl’s father and her mother.  Her mother was sitting in the seat of power at the front of the room, Byulyi’s father on his knees and bowed in front of the other woman prostrate.

 

She took in the scene cooly, detecting the obvious shame in the man’s hunched shoulders and the fury in her mother’s eyes.  

 

“What is the meaning of this?” Yongsun asked quietly with an arched brow to her mother as she nonchalantly took a seat to the side of the bowed man.

 

“Your betrothed’s father has been lying about some very important information.” Her mother’s voice was practically trembling with rage.  “Would you care to share with my daughter, days before her wedding ceremony, what you just shared with me?”

 

Byulyi’s father let out a trembling sigh, clearly humiliated by having to be groveling for mercy.

 

“The person you will be marrying… Moon Byulyi… is not my son but my daughter.”

 

Yongsun blinked slowly, perfectly stilling any expression on her face from revealing her emotions.  But she gripped her gown tightly as her mind reeled at the words.

 

“Daughter… Moon Byulyi is a girl?”

 

“In order to preserve my family’s name, we had to, Your Majesties.  There was no other way but to make her a son.  I could not risk having my family’s name dropped from the register.  I am the only son and it is a burden I had to bear!”

 

Yongsun felt her mother studying her as she stared impassively at the man.  Some part of her felt heady with the power she had over him.  He was completely at he mercy.  For attempting to fool not only the king’s concubine but the king himself… Byulyi’s father would surely suffer a punishment worse than death.

 

If Byulyi’s secret was revealed.  

 

“Mother, what do you wish to do?” Yongsun asked calmly, glancing over at her mother who impassively looked down at her hands.

 

“Do you wish to break your engagement?”

 

Yongsun paused and thought of Byulyi.  Thought of the girl’s smile and the strange kindness that she had shown her.  Her mind couldn’t help thinking of how warm her hand was and how comforting her presence seemed to be.

 

But just saying she wanted Byulyi would not be enough for her mother.  There always had to be a trade-off with that woman.

 

“What if we keep the engagement and have the Moon family indebted to you?”

 

“I don’t need a paltry soldier’s family indebted to me.  I need powerful support.”

 

“Moon Byulyi is already captain at the age of sixteen.  Regardless of her gender, she is a clearly talented soldier.  Isn’t it easier to catch a kitten than a tiger?”

 

Yongsun’s mother smiled as she made a thoughtful sound.

 

“Make the girl indebted to me before she can even think of making connections with anyone else?  Interesting thought, Yongsun-ah.”

 

“If you give her your support, than all that she has will be yours.”

 

“Yes, Your Highness,” interjected Byulyi’s father, bowing his head even harder into the floor, “if you support our family and let this marriage continue, the Moon family will give you our undying support.”

 

Her mother’s mouth twitched and then she threw her head back and gave a delighted laugh.  And Yongsun knew she had won.

 

Even after Yongsun had admitted to Byulyi that she had known that she was a girl, that captivated gaze never went away.  It thrilled her that she was gazed at now not only with captivation but also with tenderness.  It was evident that the other girl was incredibly thankful for Yongsun’s acceptance.  

 

It struck her as weak-hearted to be so vulnerable to another person’s kindness.  

 

They were sitting outside in a pavilion in the garden at evening.  Yongsun cooled herself down with an elegant fan, a wedding gift from the crown prince, as she watched Byulyi lying down and reading a book on a propped fist.

 

“What book are you reading?”

 

“Records of the Three Kingdoms,” Byulyi replied quietly as she turned a page.

 

“I didn’t know soldiers read anything other than military books.”

 

Byulyi glanced up at her and smiled.  

 

“I am no ordinary soldier.”

 

Yongsun couldn’t help the thrill that ran through her as the other girl shamelessly grinned at her.

 

“You are not.  Because you are married to me!”

 

“So you make me special?” 

 

“I have been told that you are nothing without a good wife.”

 

Byulyi sat up, her book abandoned as she scooted toward Yongsun.  She tried to keep her cool by giving the other girl a pretty smile but her heart pounded nervously in her ears.

 

“Then I am most grateful I have you at my side.”

 

For once she couldn’t deny the helplessness she felt as Byulyi gently grasped her shoulder and looked at her with those captivated eyes.  Her face felt incredibly warm as she blustered out a weak reply and they continued in their banter.

 

It was an infuriating weakness of the heart, Yongsun thought, as she contemplated her feelings toward Byulyi as their married life stretched to nearly a year.  She could not deny that there was something new that she felt when she looked at the other girl.  And how could she not fall for her? Byulyi looked at her with no expectations, no judgement.  Just tender appreciation.

 

When Yongsun pressed against Byulyi’s in a goodbye kiss she couldn’t sleep.  Her mind had left her.  Careful training and years of preparation to be the perfect political wife had been thrown to the wind as she felt her heart for once winning out over her mind.  

 

She sat outside, gazing helplessly at the night sky as she desperately tried to understand herself and the ache in her chest from missing Byulyi.  

 

And it was from her frustrations at herself and her emotions that she first gave into the hunger for queenship she felt since she was a little girl. 

 

While Byulyi was gone during that year of campaign at the border, the crown prince now King invited Yongsun to the palace.

 

They chatted for the first time in a few years and Yongsun saw the lust in his eyes. 

 

“The king can have anything he wants,” she had said gently as he glanced at her in surprise.

 

“You are not just anything, Yongsun-ah.”

 

“I am not a little girl, Your Majesty.  I know when I am wanted.”

 

This was everything she should have always been.  She could hear in her mind the enticing whisper of power and her mother wrapping around her brain like a constrictive snake.  Yongsun gave into the intoxicating thought of imagining the king completely at her mercy, bewitched as much as her mother had bewitched the old king.  

 

It had been so easy to just give into that ambitious part of herself as she let the king pull her into his lap and kiss her with the passion of a lustful man.

 

All she could think of as she closed her eyes and gripped at his royal dragon robes, was that this is what power tasted like.  

 

You will always be unsatisfied, the old king had said.  And Yongsun knew, as she thought of Byulyi behind closed eyelids as the king began to pull off her silk robe, that he was right.

 

———————————

 

forward

 

She had promised herself that she would abandon her feelings for Byulyi now that she had finally gotten what she had wanted.  The king had a queen but she had captured his heart.  The palace was finally hers just as her mother had wanted.  

 

And yet she found herself still writing to the other girl like nothing had changed.  The outpouring of her thoughts and wishes were too hard to control.  Perhaps it was easier to write to Byulyi and not think of the consequences because she could not see the other’s face and physically see the person she was opening up to. 

 

Despite her conflicted feelings, she couldn’t compartmentalize the part of herself that desperately wanted power and the part of herself that was falling for Byulyi. She wanted to stay firm and hold onto one position, some days choosing one or the other. But then she had heard that Byulyi was returning from the border and some part of herself couldn’t stop from waiting outside the house for her.  

 

She gazed at the blossoms of the old trees from two years ago and her heart swelled as she thought of that moment when she had seen eyes on her that were so captivated that Yongsun was speechless.

 

Seeing Byulyi finally arrive at the house, covered in blood and grime with eyes listless, opened the flood gates of concern and empathy.

 

“Husband,” she said in front of the small crowds lining the streets and the string of soldiers riding before and in front of the girl.  The returning march of the victorious soldiers was crowded and jubilant in stark contrast to the lonely sorrow deep in Byulyi’s eyes.  

 

The other girl had servants rush to her side and take her horse as she dismounted and stumbled toward Yongsun.  Thoughtlessly she reached out and took Byulyi in her arms.  She couldn’t believe the tears that welled in her eyes as she clung onto her.  

 

“I missed you,” she choked out feeling more lost than ever.

 

Her feelings only worsened when she waited in their shared room as Byulyi returned in a fresh white robe and face scrubbed clean.  She still seemed incredibly sad as she sat down next to Yongsun who was expectantly waiting on their bed.

 

“How have you been, Yongsun-ah?” Byulyi asked with a kind smile that didn’t reach her eyes.  The sight made it easy for Yongsun to tear up, show the vulnerability that was so hard for her.  She leaned into the other woman’s shoulder, inhaling the familiar smell of Byulyi as a warm arm wrapped around her waist.

 

“I’ve missed you,” she whispered like it was a secret.  I shouldn’t crave you and care about you as much as I do but… 

 

“And I, you.”  Byulyi’s grip tightened around her and Yongsun felt incredible guilt at how simple she was.  

 

“A-are you alright?  You seem sadder.”

 

“The way the last battle ended was particularly hard.”

 

Yongsun swallowed.  She didn’t have to probe.  She gained nothing by probing.  But she was compelled to when she pulled a little away and saw that Byulyi’s eyes were wet.  Reaching a hand out, she tentatively wiped at the tears with a thumb.

 

“Byulyi-ah.”

 

Byulyi paused at the way she said her name, focusing on Yongsun’s face.  This time Yongsun couldn’t quite hear her mother’s voice warning her to not get too invested in someone who could only bring her a paltry amount of power as some military captain.  

 

All she could hear was Byulyi’s soft whimper into as she kissed her so deeply that both of them saw stars.

 

———————————

 

forward

 

It was a chilly fall day as Yongsun went with Byulyi to the palace.  The other woman looked rather dashing in her full military regalia, freshly promoted after another successful military campaign.  They looked the part of a successful and attractive couple as they walked together to her mother’s quarters, exchanging fond smiles as they talked.  

 

Yongsun wondered about what the court ladies would say behind her back about the wife of a successful warrior who was sleeping with the king whenever her husband wasn’t warming her bed.  The thought made her link arms with Byulyi and give the girl an adoring smile

 

“Will the king be sending you off soon?” she asked as they turned toward the familiar gates of her mother’s quarters. Yongsun had been able to convince the king to give the nicest building that a former wife of his father could possible have.

 

“He told me I can have some reprieve during the winter.  The men at the border now are doing a fine job without me.”

 

“Is that just what you told him?” teased Yongsun sticking out her tongue a little at the professional response.

 

“I also told him how much I missed and adored my wife, of course.”

 

The words caused Yongsun’s face to still and she felt sick as she tried to think of how to respond.  But then they had arrived at her mother’s building.

 

“You go have tea with your mother.  I’ll see how the preparations for the banquet are faring.”

 

“You will be sitting with my mother’s side.”

 

Byulyi nodded and gently squeezed her hand once before leaving, an impressive figure that had the eyes of court ladies watching with awe.  Yongsun swallowed once before entering her mother’s quarters, hands shaking a little as she tried to ignore her nerves.

 

“You called for me, mother,” she said calmly as she saw her mother sitting at her usual spot of power at the front of the room.

 

“We have much to discuss, Yongsun.  You hold both Moon Byulyi and the king in your hands and we should decide soon which one we wish to keep and which one we wish to dispose of.”

 

Yongsun bit her tongue as she sat down in front of her mother, feeling like a little girl again who was being reprimanded.

 

“What do you mean, Mother?”

 

“You cannot have both in your life.  We know that you cannot embrace both the moon and the sun together.  Moon Byulyi is no fool and neither is the king.”

 

“So what do you suggest?”

 

“I think you should give up Moon Byulyi and become the queen you deserve to be.”

 

Yongsun bit her tongue as she tried to stop the nausea from overwhelming her. 

 

“You don’t think that she could be of some use? I don’t doubt that in a few years she could be a general.”

 

“What power does a soldier have now that the king has become distrustful of military and is making them work like servants?”

 

“That distrust he has was something that I had planted on your advice, mother!”

 

Yongsun’s mother’s eyes narrowed at the outburst.  Yongsun tried to compose herself with a nervous swallow.  

 

“Why do you ask me for opinions when it seems that you have chosen for me?”

 

“Do you honestly think you could live with yourself if you spent all your life as Moon Byulyi’s wife? Your taste for power and the throne is just as strong as mine was.”

 

“I…”  Yongsun her lips and met her mother’s arched eyebrows.  She hated the almost smug smile she saw, like a cat trapping a mouse.  Because her mother was right.  Just as her heart tugged at her to follow Byulyi, her mind craved to follow the king to his throne. 

 

She was trapped by her mother just as much as she was trapped by her own ambition.

 

“So what do you suggest, mother? If I am to suddenly replace the queen? And get rid of Moon Byulyi without it getting back to me?”

 

Her mother smiled like the question was so stupidly obvious.  The sight made Yongsun’s jaw clench.

 

“The military officers have acknowledged Moon Byulyi’s skill as a potentially great commanding officer.  Apparently some soldiers are ripe for a coup.  All we need is for the king to suspect Byulyi and for Byulyi to doubt the king.  If any rumor of Moon Byulyi with conspirators for the throne came out, the king will be forced to act to eliminate her.  Not only will this leave you free to be the king’s wife, but his distrust of the military will only throw him more on our side.”

 

“We will be his only counsel,” whispered Yongsun, struggling to contain her horror.

 

“Plant the seed of doubt in Moon Byulyi’s head tonight, Yongsun-ah.  Tell her about the king forcing soldiers to be laborers.  Tell her about the suspicions he has for his relatives’ duplicitous plots.  Tell her of how scared you are.”

 

“That’s all?”

 

“Yes.  Once that seed is planted it will grow and grow until we can pluck its fruit and enjoy the sweetness of you as queen and the kingdom as ours.”

 

Yongsun felt go dry as she found herself nodding, not completely able to deny the thrill that rushed through her as she thought of her dream from years ago as a little girl of her walking through the palace in the full regalia of the queen.  Happy with her head high and smile proud.

 

———————————

 

forward

 

Even though she had agreed to her mother’s plan, there was no acting on any moving parts.  Yongsun had told Byulyi of her fears of the king and although she had patiently listened there was no action.  Her wife was no impassioned leader.  

 

Maybe that was why she had agreed to the scheme.  Because she knew deep down that the other girl did not have it in her to want to overthrow the king. That thought was what kept the guilt from completely overwhelming her as she lived with Byulyi.  

 

She could live with her because she believed that she wasn’t giving her a death sentence.

 

At least not yet.

 

“The king seems intent on sending me to the border again despite the peace after the last campaign.”  

 

Yongsun watched Byulyi from their shared bed on the heated floor, eyes still bleary with sleep.  The other girl had her sword unsheathed as she took to sharpening the blade with eyes intent.

 

“Do you doubt his mental health?” Yongsun mumbled into her pillow, eyes downcast.

 

“I do not doubt the king. I am only concerned for him.  It is no secret that most of the military is upset with him.  Besides myself and the men to the far north, most of us soldiers are being treated as little better than entertainers and laborers.”

 

At her mother’s request, Yongsun thought with a strange feeling of revulsion.

 

“So are you happy then that you can go to battle and advance in rank?”

 

“Yongsun-ah, you know that was always my father’s dream, not mine.”

 

“You completely lack ambition, don’t you?”

 

She didn’t mean to have the words come out as sharply as they did. Biting her tongue, she pressed her face into the pillow.  These days she felt like she was going crazy.  An unbearable pressure seemed to rest on her chest and she couldn’t relieve it no matter how hard she tried.

 

Is this what it felt when a liar finally has a conscience? she thought with a grimace.

 

Yongsun peeked from her spot on the bed, surprised to see Byulyi looking at her with a smoldering gaze.

 

“Do you resent me for not having the desire to be as great and as ambitious as the king?”

 

There was an edge to Byulyi’s usually even and measured voice.  It chilled Yongsun to see the usually level-headed girl look at her so cooly.  Yes, she wanted to reply.  Yes, I resent you because while you can be happy with just a simple lifestyle and me at your side I am stuck suffering in an unquenchable greed for power. While you are perfectly simple I am corrupted.

 

“Why do you mention the king?  While he has made impressive temples and bridges, you have waged wars and won them.  How is that not ambition?”

 

“Those were orders, Yongsun-ah.  They were not things I burned to do.  Not like how the king plans grandiose infrastructure projects or has dreams of making Goryeo the center for some Buddhist utopia.”

 

Yongsun bit her lip as she looked at Byulyi.  Maybe the woman wasn’t as blind and simple as she thought.  Something itched under her skin at the thought of her underestimating her.  Her pride hurt.

 

But greater than her pride was the desire to make Byulyi’s frown disappear.

 

She rose from the blankets, pulling her loose silk robe closer to her chest as she crossed over to the sitting girl.  Yongsun felt almost sad at how easy it was for Byulyi’s tense mood to dissipate as she gently her cheek with a hand.

 

Kneeling next to her, Yongsun turned Byulyi’s head until they were staring at each other, a breath apart.

 

“Byulyi-ah,” she whispered against the other girl’s lips.  She watched as those lips parted and soft brown eyes trembled.  

 

She couldn’t apologize or say that Byulyi’s words were wrong. But she could just kiss her and hope that they could share some happiness in the honesty of their physical intimacy.  As Byulyi tightly gripped her waist and Yongsun tangled her hands into the other girl’s hair she couldn’t help the tears stinging her eyes.

 

She was pushed onto her back and Byulyi hungrily pulled open her robe to expose her bare stomach.  Yongsun let out a little gasp as her warm mouth traveled down her neck, kissing wetly with a hunger tempered by affection.

 

“You love me too much,” she whispered too softly for Byulyi to hear and those tears final fell.

 

———————————

 

forward

 

Two years was a very long time.

 

It was a blur of letters to Byulyi and breathy kisses from a king driven half mad by her purposeful whispers.  Yongsun wondered sometimes in the darkness of night if it was good that she would be separated from Byulyi for extended periods of time.  Although some part that she could not deny ached for Byulyi, there was a part of her that was grateful that the other girl never saw her like this.

 

Whispering poisonous words into the king’s ear as he held her at night, mouth twisting into a smile as she heard him respond just how she thought he would.  The taste of power was always hot on her tongue and it was almost like bloodlust, constantly edging her on to return to the king’s embrace like an addiction.

 

It was all too easy in the throes of her desire for power to whisper how she could never completely be the king’s as Moon Byulyi’s wife.  And how there were rumors that there were two kings in Goryeo.  One was king by blood and one was king by worth.

 

The pieces of the complicated puzzle that she had been putting into place were so close to perfectly coming together.  The thought simultaneously nauseated her and thrilled her.  

 

Yongsun sat outside with a book in hand, watching the wind rustle the garden in deep contemplation.  A mindless distraction before she would most likely be called to the palace under the cover of darkness.  

 

“Lady Kim.”

 

She looked up, curious at how early a palace courier had arrived.

 

“I didn’t know His Highness wanted to call me so soon.”

 

“This is not a letter from, His Highness.”

 

Yongsun tilted her head a little with a smile sharper than she normally allowed.  Being apart from Byulyi for so long seemed to make it harder for her to remember how to be kind.  

 

“And who is it from then?”

 

“Your mother.”

 

Yongsun felt her face go hot as a sense of dread filled her chest.  She practically snatched the scroll from the man’s hands and snapped the fabric taut.

 

A trembling gasp escaped her lips.

 

The message wasn’t terribly long.  Her mother was not a woman to go on verbose tangents about her plans.  She was savagely concise.

 

I have called Moon Byulyi to the palace under your name. According to spies outside the city gates, she should be arriving soon.  As you know, the king has come to despise her.  The king, in a fit of hysterics has stated that if she returns to the palace it will be treason.  Stay at your home in case Moon Byulyi comes there first and convince her to go to the palace.  When she comes to the palace gate’s she will be convicted of conspiring treason.

 

The scroll dropped from her fingers, clattering to the ground.

 

It was finally happening.  Byulyi would fall to the hand of her mother.  She and her mother would get the power they so desired at last.

 

And yet why did Yongsun find herself standing and calling for a palanquin to her to the palace?  She was never an impulsive person.  Always calculated to the last moment.  And yet she found herself rushing to the palace gates, her blood pounding in her ears as she desperately hoped that she was wrong.

 

What do you do when you cross a line and realize you never wanted to cross it? 

 

“I am a fool,” Yongsun bit out to herself in the quiet of the palanquin.  Now as she realized she was truly sacrificing something far more precious than she wanted to admit, she couldn’t stand the thought of letting it go.  Yongsun felt like something so carefully and tightly wound had come unhinged within her.  This was blind passion, she thought as she hurriedly stepped out of her palanquin, now inside the palace.  

 

She passed by the guards without a glance, making her way to the king’s chambers and ignoring the eunuchs and court ladies who were scrambling to announce her arrival.

 

There was a moment when she stood in front of the king’s door, her heart burning in her chest as she let her frenzied actions finally catch up to her.  Did she want this? Was she acting impulsively?

 

And if she wasn’t. If this was what she wanted… just how could she put a stop to this perfect plan already set in motion?

 

rewind

 

“There is an old saying,” Byulyi murmured into Yongsun’s hair.  She giggled at the sensation and her smile widened as warm hands splayed against her back.

 

“And what is this saying?” she asked, gazing up at Byulyi’s dancing eyes.

 

“Sometimes the easiest solutions are right in front of us.  In battle, there are always marks of greatness in any opposing side.  An excellent archer.  A fierce warrior.  A brilliant strategist.  My job as a commanding officer is to find those people that set the enemy apart from my soldiers and eliminate them.  To narrow the odds.”

 

Yongsun made an interested sound, feeling a rare thrill at the authoritative way Byulyi spoke.  It was not often that the other girl spoke of her life as a soldier with such passion.  

 

“Sometimes when you see the army’s opposing general coming at you on his big horse and you know that the general is the key to everything but you have to kill him, it all feels overwhelming.”

 

A warm hand on Yongsun’s back slid up to lightly play with the hair at the base of her scalp.

 

“Instead of getting afraid of the prospects of taking down the giant general in an impossible situation, I think it’s easy to keep things simple.”

 

Yongsun practically purred as Byulyi held her tighter and whispered teasingly into her ear.

 

“If you kill the horse, then you kill the general.”

 

forward

 

Yonsgun smiled.  Her mother was the general commanding this particular battlefield. Yongsun was her mother’s most beloved horse.  And so she had to bring herself to her knees so that she could win this last fight. 

 

———————————

 

forward

 

It had been too easy to goad the king into hurting her with his sword.  His mental health was already so precarious with a mixture of suspicion and guilt clouding his mind.  All it had taken were sharp criticisms of his aptitude as king. A rejection of his love.  A declaration of her renewed loyalty for Byulyi.  

 

“You pretended for all those years that you had my best interest at heart and that you loved me?” sneered the king, his sword dripping crimson with her blood.  “You are truly a frightening woman.”

 

Yongsun just grit her teeth as she pressed a hand to where sticky red seeped onto her silks.  She closed her eyes and remembered her father saying similar words in this same throne room years ago.

 

“How could I have ever thought I loved you?”

 

And she smiled because she wondered if Moon Byulyi ever wondered the same thing.

 

———————————

 

forward

 

Yongsun tipped her head back as she sat near the queen’s quarters, the color of the sky edged with scarlet from the drops of blood that still clung to her eyelashes.  It had taken far too much effort to drag herself from the king’s quarters to outside.  She let out a wheezing breath, the coppery tang of blood coating her tongue, as she pressed her hand against her side.

 

“If the horse as fallen, then maybe the general has, too,” she choked out through bloody teeth.  

 

“Not quite.”  

 

Yongsun peeked out of the corner of her eye at a woman dressed like a geisang with luxurious silks and lips painted as red as the blood pouring from her chest.

 

“Does the grim reaper visit me even before I am dead?”

 

“Well I’m not a grim reaper.  I only visit particularly bad souls in their final moments.  You have a rather long list of immoral crimes.  Adultery, lust for the throne, and manipulation of innocents, to name a few.”

 

“I had to do it.  I didn’t have a choice!” hissed Yongsun, the words said so violently that bits of bloody spittle dripped from .

 

“Are you satisfied now?” the woman asked as she pulled out a long and thin wooden pipe, cocking her head coquettishly to the side as she blew a stream of bluish smoke into her face.  “Are you happy with all of the choices you made blinded by your greedy ambition?”

 

“At least my last choice was a good one.  I protected Byulyi in the end.”

 

“Oh? How so?”

 

“The king no longer has the motivation to comply with my mother now that I am no longer factored into this scheme.  Now he’ll look at my mother and he advice like it’s poison.”

 

The gisaeng's lips twisted up bitterly.

 

“And what of your Moon Byulyi? How do you think she will feel? Have you factored her into this?  Have you factored in her love for you?”

 

Yongsun gasped as her chest burned and she could barely sit up properly.  

 

“S-she won’t do anything.. she will mourn my death and then continue with her life as a soldier.”

 

“You are foolish if you blind yourself with those lies.  Kim Yongsun, you have committed the gravest sin of all with your thoughtless actions.  You have damned an innocent soul to become a part of your treachery.  You have damned Moon Byulyi as much as you have damned yourself.”

 

She felt her heart drop at the words as cool brown eyes glared down at her like she was absolutely nothing.  

 

“What.. what do you-”

 

“Moon Byulyi will murder the king and bring about an era of political instability that will eventually lead to Goryeo’s downfall.  The barbarians that she had been so ardently fighting in the north will see the weakness of this kingdom and steal the pieces.  You and that girl have succeeded in plunging this country into darkness for the next three hundred years.”

 

Yongsun trembled at the words, feeling the weight of them with each measured statement.  She shut her eyes, speechless with a myriad of emotions too plentiful to name.

 

“Your Highness, please have mercy!”

 

And suddenly her eyes were open and there was Byulyi, the face of the woman she loved and had not seen in nearly two years.  She could barely get out any words to Byulyi’s worried questions.  When she was scooped up, Yongsun’s eyes fluttered closed as she felt the warmth of Byulyi’s arms and the measured sound of her heartbeat.  Her eyes filled with tears as she tasted the blood in the back of .  

 

“Byulyi-ah,” she whispered so quietly that the other girl couldn’t hear her, “I’m… so sorry for lying to you.”

 

She swallowed the blood and began to mouth the words against the other woman’s skin.

 

If I could have turned back time… I would have never met you.  And you would have never met me.  You could have been happier that way.  Without my mother’s plotting and my ambition.  I selfishly wish that you will never know that this side of my existed.  The side that had an affair with the king and was planning to cast you aside so that I could become queen.

 

I loved you like a thief in the night coveting the stars.

 

Yongsun faintly heard Byulyi mention that they were close.  But out of the corner of her eye she saw flowers that reminded her of the first day she had met Byulyi.  She wanted the last thing that she felt as she was pushed to her end to be that warmth of Byulyi’s arms and that feeling of pure captivation that had pulled Yongsun to the other woman.

 

Fruitlessly she had begged her to not kill the king, her eyes struggling to stay open as she looked at Byuulyi’s face, desperately committing the image to memory.

 

Oh heaven… I dare to beg for you to let me meet her again.  Let me see a glimpse of her one time a thousand years from now.  In a time and place where this kingdom is ash and the only thing we know about each other is our love.

 

Yongsun knew as she weakly pulled Byulyi into one last kiss that she tasted like copper and tears. 

 

 

A/N: sorry that took me so long... this latest chapter just came out at a monstrous 10,000 words and it took me longer than usual. I'd love to hear your thoughts on Solar's back story! I loved making it and I found it fascinating to engage with a character that was in love but also was motivated by ambition as a source of happiness. She's so complicated and it's just a sad story. Also if you want to leave long asks or questions, please stop by my tumblr @thewoundupbird